by Anna Martin
It wasn’t really surprising that Luc’s natural sexuality and grace transformed into something incredible when they made love. He seemed to be in constant motion, pressing himself against Caleb’s body one moment and tearing himself away the next, screwing his eyes shut and then opening them wide in pleasure, biting down hard on his lower lip or letting his sweet, full lips part in a delicate gasp.
“God, Caleb,” Luc moaned. “Fuck. Oh my God.”
Luc arched away, stretching his neck so the long, smooth line of his throat was exposed for Caleb’s soft kisses. When Luc drew his knees up and wrapped his legs around Caleb’s waist, Caleb took this as his invitation to take more.
Their minds might not have worked out all the technicalities of this act just yet, but their bodies seemed to understand and guided them through the fear and the lust that were there in equal measures, helping them to turn this into an act of making love.
Luc found himself unable to keep still, his body arching and reacting to each delicious pull and stretch. After the initial pain of penetration, his cock had deflated, but with each gentle thrust of Caleb’s hips he felt it start to grow again. He kept his hand there, a familiar comfort as he rolled the hardening flesh in his palm, feeling the brush of Caleb’s belly against the back of his hand.
He wrapped his arm around Caleb’s shoulders and didn’t make any attempt to stop the sobbing cries that escaped from his lips. Caleb was making noises too, not dissimilar to those when Luc sucked him but deeper now, like the noises were made in a different part of his chest.
“I think I’m—” Luc gasped, gripping on to Caleb’s arm so hard it hurt. “Caleb.”
Then he came, shooting between them and trembling. While he was still recovering, he felt Caleb’s hips snap up, finding the deepest, most complete point between them and holding there. Caleb cried out when he came, a guttural noise that seemed to touch Luc’s very soul.
Breathing hard, Luc pressed his face to Caleb’s chest, his arms still wrapped up and clinging on tightly.
“Please don’t let go,” he whispered, even though he knew Caleb couldn’t hear him.
Or maybe there was some other way of communicating his desperation to be held in that moment, because Caleb just shifted on the bed and rearranged his legs, and suddenly they were in that position Luc liked to wake up in, the one where he felt so, so safe.
They held each other for what felt like a small eternity, wanting the moment, this experience, to last forever. It couldn’t of course, and Caleb pressed a delicate kiss to Luc’s cheek before rolling off the bed for the bathroom.
When he returned Luc had cleaned his stomach off with Caleb’s underwear and was curled up on his side, looking vulnerable and beautiful. Caleb immediately lowered himself back onto the bed and scooped Luc up into his arms, needing the contact, the weight of Luc’s body against his own.
Luc laid his head on Caleb’s chest, his cheek pressed tight to the smooth, warm skin. He felt more at home here than he had anywhere else. It felt right.
“I love you,” Luc choked, his voice catching and breaking. “I love you.”
Caleb held on tight and heard nothing.
Due to some fault in scheduling, Luc didn’t have that many classes with his friends, even though he’d complained to the administration department about it more than once. They insisted he needed to integrate himself, to get to know his classmates better.
Fuck that, was Luc’s general attitude as far as that was concerned. The last time he’d tried to “make friends” with one of the popular kids he’d been looked at like he had fleas. Thankfully, one of the few classes he shared with Ellery was his bio lab on Monday mornings. Saying good-bye to Caleb had been nothing short of traumatic, and he needed to vent to someone who understood.
It turned out he didn’t need to spell things out for her.
“So, this weekend,” Luc started.
Ellery’s eyes widened dramatically. “You had sex,” she hissed.
“Shut up,” Luc said under his breath, not wanting any of their classmates to overhear.
“Oh, no way,” she said, shifting her lab stool closer. “You need to tell me everything. Everything.”
Luc shrugged. “So I had sex,” he said.
“With Caleb?”
“Yes, with Caleb,” he said, offended. “Who else would I be having sex with?”
Ellery held her hands up. “Sorry,” she said. Then, in a lower voice, “What was it like?”
For a minute or two Luc concentrated on copying the formula into his notebook, not because he was interested in it but to delay the inevitable grilling.
“It was incredible,” he said eventually, giving in. “He was incredible. I’m so in love with him, Ellery.”
“Aw,” she sighed. “You’re so cute.”
“Sometimes being away from him during the week, it actually hurts, you know? Not this metaphorical pain but real hurt, right here.” Luc rubbed his knuckles over his sternum. “But when I get to see him again at the end of the week, that’s such a fucking rush. He holds on to me, and I feel like I can breathe again.”
Ellery was silent, looking at him strangely. “Wow. You really do love him.”
Luc nodded. “Yeah.”
“Did he hurt you?”
“What….” He looked at Ellery, who nodded pointedly, her eyebrows raised high. “Oh. Um, a little, but not much. I was expecting it to hurt, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.”
“That’s good,” she said. “My first time was horrible.”
“Caleb was just… so gentle. It’s all happened so quickly. We only met in person a few weeks back, and now I can’t imagine my life without him in it. I’m scared that it could all be over just as quickly.”
“It won’t be,” Ellery said, finding confidence where Luc had none. “If you really care about him, and you obviously do, then you need to figure out what needs to happen to keep things between you solid.”
Luc nodded and rolled his pencil between his fingers. He wasn’t being overly dramatic—the pain of missing Caleb really did follow him around. Without meaning to, his mind kept taking him to dark places, dark thoughts that told him there was nowhere this relationship could go.
Those were old demons, though, and Luc was determined that they had no place in this beautiful thing that was being constructed between himself and Caleb. What they had was pure and honest and real.
“I showed him my birthmark,” Luc said to Ellery, his voice soft.
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t have sex with your clothes on.”
Luc pushed her playfully. “I hate showing people.”
Ellery tapped her pencil against her lips and looked at him inquisitively. “I think,” she said, “from what you told me, he probably looked at it, shrugged, and decided he didn’t give a shit.”
Luc conceded and laughed. “Pretty much. It was like it didn’t bother him at all.”
“Luc,” Ellery said, sounding exasperated. “Caleb is deaf. He deals with a physical disability all the time. Why the fuck would he care about some damaged pigmentation in your skin? You love him because of who he is. Why would he feel any different about you?”
When she put it like that, it seemed obvious. “He loves me.”
“Yes, you doofus. He loves you.”
Luc had watched that morning as Caleb packed his bag when the light was still creeping over the horizon, wanting to wait until the last possible moment to leave Luc but needing to get to the bus station to get his early ride back to Boston. They kissed slowly in the chilly predawn until Caleb broke away with a sad smile, pressed their foreheads together, and signed “Good-bye.”
Then Luc got on the subway and went to school, feeling like his heart was breaking.
It didn’t get any easier, no matter how many times they had to say it. The familiar ache was back in Luc’s chest, and he rubbed his knuckles over the spot, not minding the pain. It was a reminder that Caleb was his.
“How lo
ng till you see him again?” Ellery asked, breaking Luc out of his memory of the morning.
“Soon, I hope. We didn’t make any plans yet.”
“Next time he’s here I want to meet him.”
Luc grinned. “I think we can do that.”
12. Unthinkable
Luc set up a coffee date with Ellery in Manhattan over spring break, since she didn’t like having to take the subway out to Queens on her own. Luc had tried to invite Jay along too, but apparently his so-called best friend was far more okay with the concept of Luc’s homosexuality than the reality.
In the weeks that Luc had been dating Caleb, he’d tried to keep things on the down-low in school, not wanting to be the big fag on campus. Not that he’d ever been able to hide his sexuality that well, but still….
The problem was, far too many of his classmates followed him on social media, and he’d not been particularly subtle about his relationship on Snapchat or Instagram. So the rumors had spread, and there was little Luc could do to stop them. After the first person asked if it was true—was Luc really dating a deaf boy—he’d made the decision not to hide it. He wasn’t ashamed of Caleb or of what they had together. If anyone else had a problem, well, there wasn’t a lot he could do about it.
Some people treated him differently. A few of Ellery’s friends had started asking him for makeup tips or for his opinion on the boys in school. After reading some horrific coming out stories from his peers, Luc thought he was lucky that at this school, in New York, he had it easy.
Ellery told him to forget it and that Jay was fighting with his own issues, whatever that meant, but Luc couldn’t help but feel hurt. Betrayed. Jay was one of the first people he’d connected to after he transferred to Millennium from his old school in New Rochelle. Jay was the one who took Luc under his wing—one weird kid finding another, introducing him to everyone else who made up their little gang.
Still, Luc still had Ellery, and she seemed like she was going to be cool with Caleb. Luc had explained about Caleb using ASL and had promised to act as translator. She’d still wanted to learn some signs before meeting Caleb, and Luc had spent a week’s worth of lunch breaks dutifully teaching her how to sign.
They met in Starbucks because it was easy to find and Luc knew all three of them could find something they’d like on the menu. Caleb’s preference was for tea, as Luc was learning, which he found slightly endearing.
Ellery hadn’t arrived yet, and her phone wasn’t connecting, so Luc guessed she was still on the subway. They waited in line to get their drinks, and Luc leaned back on Caleb’s chest, because he felt safe and loved like that.
“Tea?” he asked Caleb when they got to the front of the line. Caleb grinned and nodded, and Luc placed their order, adding two large muffins at the last moment. He was suddenly hungry.
Caleb rolled his eyes when the barista handed them the tray and took it, letting Luc lead the way to a table in front of the window so they could see when Ellery arrived.
She did, only a few moments after they’d sat down, looking hurried and a little disheveled. Luc waved her over, and she smiled, then pointed to the counter, signaling that she’d get her drink first.
“I’m nervous,” Caleb admitted as he turned back to Luc.
“Don’t be. I’m sure she’ll love you.”
It was awkward at first. Not the introductions, they went really well, but then Luc had to try and coordinate a conversation between people and translate Caleb’s responses to Ellery’s questions.
The three of them sat in a triangle formation to best be able to see each other, and Luc reached out frequently to touch Caleb’s arm or knee, just letting him know it was okay. Ellery was, as always, sweet and kind and wonderful, and Luc wanted to hug her so hard it hurt. She laughed and smiled and said she wouldn’t stay after her first mug of coffee was done, not wanting to interrupt their precious time together.
Before leaving, Ellery hugged first Caleb, then Luc.
“Thank you,” Luc murmured against her cheek.
“You really love him, don’t you?”
“Yeah. I really do.”
She was grinning as she pulled away. “Have a good weekend, guys,” she said, then signed “Good-bye.”
Luc and Caleb sat back down, and Luc collapsed dramatically into his chair. “Do you like her?” he asked.
“She’s amazing.”
Try as he might, Luc couldn’t keep the grin from his face.
Caleb’s favorite thing about New York was being able to walk along the sidewalk, his hand safely tucked in Luc’s, with no one judging or commenting or even looking at them. He wasn’t convinced they’d have that safety in Boston, even with the city’s liberal leaning.
The sun from that morning had burned away, and the light, fluffy clouds had grown steadily darker. For some reason—he was going to blame youthful optimism—neither of them had bothered to wear a jacket.
As the first fat drop of rain landed on his shoulder, Caleb regretted that decision.
They were almost in the middle of Washington Square Park with only the trees for cover. Luc looked up comically, then to Caleb with wide eyes. Unable to help himself, Caleb giggled as another drop of rain landed on Luc’s nose, making him go cross-eyed as it rolled down and gathered on the tip before falling off and disappearing.
Then the heavens opened.
Luc shrieked and pulled at Caleb’s hand, dragging him to the tree line, but it was too late and too early in the year. There weren’t enough leaves on the trees to shelter them, and within moments the heavy spring storm had soaked them through.
As far as Caleb was concerned, Luc’s reaction was hilarious. His carefully styled hair turned to soggy strands that stuck to his face, and wet lines of eyeliner ran down his cheeks. Caleb reached out and cupped Luc’s head, carefully wiping the lines away with his thumbs.
Impulsively he leaned forward and, still cupping Luc’s face, pressed their cold lips together.
He could feel Luc’s bottom lip pushed out in a pout and couldn’t help but giggle again.
Luc pulled away. “You’re happy because I’m miserable,” he signed, pretending to be annoyed.
“Not miserable,” Caleb signed back, feeling mischievous. “Wet.”
Luc held his expression for a few more moments, then, as thunder rolled ominously through the air, broke into laughter. He leaned up onto his toes and demanded more of Caleb’s kisses, warming their lips with each other’s tongues.
The rain only lasted for ten minutes or so, but it was enough to chase most people out of the park for cover, so when the downpour eased off into a lighter drizzle they were left almost alone in New York.
Caleb smiled into the bright blue eyes and felt a little piece of his heart shift allegiance, no longer belonging to him but the man who was smiling right back. He wiped at Luc’s cheeks again, cleaning the last of the black smudges away.
“We’re going to need to go and get changed,” Luc said softly. “And warm.”
“Not cold,” Caleb signed. It wasn’t. There was still a warmth in the air and a light breeze that tugged at their soaked clothes.
“Dry,” Luc signed, one he’d learned only that week, proud that he got the chance to use it.
“Okay,” Caleb signed. It was his turn to reach for Luc’s hand as Luc led them to the nearest subway station that would take them back to Queens.
Wet shoes got uncomfortable very quickly, and wet jeans chafed. Caleb thrust his discomfort away in favor of being amused at Luc’s attempts to fix his hair in the reflection of the window opposite their seats on the subway train. His hair, and the dark smudges under his eyes that Caleb hadn’t been able to shift, and pulling his T-shirt away from his slim body, where it had been sticking to his skin.
Eventually Caleb got bored of giggling and instead took both of Luc’s hands in his own, stilling their movement over his own body.
Caleb shook his head pointedly. “Beautiful,” he signed, letting go of Luc’s hands to make
the movement.
Luc stopped fussing and smiled. Then he plucked at the hem of his T-shirt again.
It was only a few minutes later that the train pulled up at their stop, by which time Caleb was starting to shiver with discomfort and the cold.
“Come on,” Luc said. “Let’s get home.”
They rushed down the street, where it was now raining again, a horrible steady pulse against their bare arms, and Luc had to dig his key out of his wet pocket to let them in the front door.
“I’m home,” he yelled out into the house.
There was no reply. He shrugged and trudged up the stairs, each step making a wet squelch in his shoes. As soon as they crossed the threshold into Luc’s room, Caleb started to strip out of his wet clothes, all sense of embarrassment or modesty gone, overwhelmed by his desire to be clean and dry.
“Shower?” Luc signed.
Caleb nodded in thanks, relieved but strangely disappointed when Luc plopped down onto his bed in wet boxers. He extended his hand, not really sure what he was offering. Luc took it.
In the bathroom, Caleb turned the water on for the shower and let it heat up as he gently stroked his thumb back and forth against the soft skin on the back of Luc’s hand. When the room filled with steam, Caleb stripped out of his boxers and stepped into the shower cubicle.
Luc hesitated, playing with the edge of his own underwear until Caleb huffed a laugh and extended his hand once again, beckoning for Luc to join him. Only then did Luc strip down to nothing and climb in too.
For all the exploring of each other’s bodies they’d done over the previous few weeks, this was a barrier they had yet to cross. Caleb backed up against the tiles to make room for Luc, who instinctively wound his arms around Caleb’s waist and rested his head on Caleb’s shoulder.
Luc’s shower wasn’t the best. Some of the sprays shot off in the wrong direction, and others didn’t work at all. But in that moment, with the warm water pulsing over his back and Caleb’s cool skin under his cheek, he couldn’t think of another place he’d rather be.
