by Anna Martin
“He’s pr—good looking.”
“Were you going to call my boyfriend pretty?” Evan asked, teasing now.
“No,” Scott mumbled.
“He is pretty,” Evan mused.
“Where’s he from?”
“Jacksonville,” Evan said with a laugh. “His mom’s from Puerto Rico, though.”
“Hmm.”
“So, what about you? Are you seeing anyone?”
“Not anymore,” Scott said, stretching his toes until they cracked.
“So you were.”
“Yeah.”
“Go on, tell me.”
“Just a girl I met on campus,” he said, being evasive in a way Evan had never attributed to his best friend before. Normally Scott was an open book. “Her name’s Rachel. She, uh… I…. Fuck.”
“What?”
“She got pregnant,” Scott said, rubbing his hands over his face. “I got her pregnant. Back earlier in the year.”
“Shit, Scott,” Evan said. “Did she…?”
“Get rid of it? Yeah. She told me first, just to see if I had an opinion, I suppose. I said I’d support her whatever she decided. That’s what you’re supposed to say, right? That it’s her body, her decision.”
“Yeah,” Evan said softly.
“I sort of wanted her to keep it, though. I know how stupid that is. We only hooked up a couple of times. I didn’t really know her, not as a person. She was just a girl I hooked up with. But it was like there was this whole world of possibility existing there between the two of us. Even if it only lasted a couple of weeks. I was going to be a father.”
“You still will be, one day,” Evan told him. “I’m sure of it. You’ll be an amazing dad. But a family made when both parents are still teenagers, first-year college students? It wouldn’t have worked, Cap.”
Scott smiled. “No one’s called me that in ages.”
“Cap?”
“Yeah.”
“It suits you,” Evan said with a grin.
Scott huffed a laugh. “I’m not a captain anymore.”
“Do you still play?”
“Football? Nah. Just the, you know, intramural games. I still wanted to play after I got injured last year, but I was nowhere near good enough to get back up to the sort of level to play for the college.”
They fell quiet for a moment, and then Evan sighed.
“You want some of this?” Scott offered, holding the joint out to Evan.
“Nah. My lungs hurt.”
“Shit. I smoked way too much weed this year. You get good shit in Wisconsin.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s cheaper than booze too. Doesn’t make you sick. No hangover.”
“I’ve definitely had a weed hangover before.”
“That’s because you don’t smoke the good stuff,” Scott said, leaning back and exhaling heavily.
“Don’t tell me you’re turning into a stoner,” Evan laughed.
“Nah. I only do it every few months. Probably ’cos I know I’d get really into it if I let myself, and I don’t want to turn into one of those guys.”
Evan snorted. “Sure you aren’t already?”
“Hmm. You’re sobering up.”
“I told you my lungs hurt.”
Scott narrowed his eyes for a moment, then moved decisively.
They’d taken the huge couch, each backed into a comfortable corner. Scott straddled Evan’s thighs, one of his strong legs either side of Evan’s, boxing him in. Either the weed or the late hour was making Evan’s head fuzzy, and he frowned, moving too slowly to do anything to stop Scott’s advance.
“What are you doing?” Evan asked.
“Here,” Scott said. He sat back on his heels and took a long, long drag on the joint. He held it in his lungs for a moment, then grabbed Evan’s chin, leaned forward, and exhaled into Evan’s open mouth.
Evan pulled the smoke in, breathing deeply, and couldn’t help but focus on Scott’s ocean blue eyes. When he let the smoke go, Scott was still gripping his chin, and Evan blinked, not daring to move.
“Fucking hell, Evan,” Scott said and leaned in for a kiss.
Evan was stunned into place as Scott’s lips moved decisively yet so, so slowly over his own mouth. After a second, his body jolted into action, and he wrapped his hands around Scott’s waist, leaning up into the kiss and slipping his tongue between Scott’s lips.
Scott tasted like weed and tobacco and beer, and Evan wanted so much, so badly, it was a deep twist in his gut that almost made him cry out with the shock of it. Scott leaned over and stubbed out the joint in the ashtray on the coffee table, then pushed both of his hands into Evan’s hair.
Evan jolted his hips up, desperate for more contact, and Scott moaned as he ground back down to meet Evan’s inelegant thrusts.
It took Scott tugging at his sweater for Evan’s brain to finally catch up with him. He couldn’t do this. He had… fuck. Cael. A boyfriend.
“Scott. Stop. Stop.”
“Hmm?” Scott hummed, pressing tiny kisses up the side of Evan’s neck.
“I have a boyfriend.”
“What, some asshole at college?”
“Please don’t.”
Scott sat back on his heels again and frowned. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Don’t do this.”
“I’m not doing anything,” Scott said.
Evan rubbed his hands over his face. He was rock hard in his jeans, his whole body straining for Scott. He wanted so desperately to touch and kiss and take whatever it was Scott wanted to share with him.
“I need to go,” Evan said. His chest felt tight, his whole body aching with something more than the physical.
“You’re running away again.”
Scott sounded more annoyed than Evan had ever heard before. He was usually fiery and passionate, but never angry.
“I’m removing myself from a situation I can’t be in right now,” Evan corrected. He shuffled out from under Scott’s lap and went to the corner of the room where his jacket had been piled.
“This is such bullshit,” Scott said. He knelt on the sofa, scowling as Evan layered up in his jacket and scarf. “If you want to do this, then fine, we’ll do it. Don’t just walk away, though.”
“I need… fuck, I need time, Scott.”
“Why?”
“Because I have a boyfriend!” he exploded. Evan knew this was totally out of character for him too. In their whole lives, he’d never yelled at Scott. Not like this.
“And what are you planning on doing about that?”
“I don’t know,” Evan said. The fight drained out of him in an instant, and he felt himself physically slump. “I don’t know, Scott, which is why I need to leave. Before I do something I regret.”
“Would you regret me?”
Despite everything, Evan smiled. “You’re so fucking conceited.”
Scott laughed, and then he sobered again. “Please, Evan. I want to find out what would happen. What if.”
“Not right now.”
“When are you going back to school?”
Evan sighed. “The second week in January.”
“Okay. You won’t go without letting me see you again? Promise?”
“Promise.”
Scott held out his hand, pinky finger extended. Evan walked over and hooked his own finger around Scott’s. For a second, they just looked at each other. It was only in that moment that Evan realized quite how much he’d missed his best friend.
Using nothing but their linked fingers as leverage, Scott leaned up and brushed his lips over the corner of Evan’s mouth.
“Happy Christmas, Evan.”
“Happy Christmas.”
And it was.
Sort of.
Evan’s mom loved the sketch he framed for her, crying over it for at least half an hour. Christmases of his childhood had never been particularly extravagant affairs. His mom didn’t have much money, and they didn’t have any family who lived close e
nough to celebrate with.
Instead they had their own traditions. On Christmas Eve, they went out and bought a tree, a real one in a pot so it could be planted out in the backyard after. Some of them took, others died, but they had a little copse of conifers now. These days Evan’s mom let him drink mulled wine instead of hot cider while they decorated, and a ham roasted in the oven.
This was his family. His whole life it had been Evan and his mom against the world, and that was just how they liked it.
Mark had been invited for Christmas dinner, and he’d accepted, which Evan was strangely pleased about. Evan liked Mark. He was a bit of a lone wolf; like Evan, he was an only child with only one parent in his life. Mark’s father lived in a care facility outside Charlotte and was delighted that Mark finally had a sweetheart to spend the holidays with. Mark had spent Thanksgiving with his father and would drive down again to spend a few more days with him after Christmas was over.
When Evan’s mom and Mark fell asleep on the couch late on Christmas afternoon, Evan went to his room to call Cael. Not that his mom would have minded if he’d made the call from somewhere else, but he wanted a little privacy for this.
His bedroom was warm, and Evan fell back onto his bed and stretched out before calling Cael. He answered on the second ring.
“Hang on, babe. I’m going to go upstairs.”
“Okay,” Evan said, smiling.
The sound of Cael’s footsteps came through the phone, then a slamming door.
“Shit. Happy Christmas.”
“Happy Christmas,” Evan laughed. “How are things there?”
“Insane. I swear there’s forty people in this house right now. How are you?”
“Good. I’m one of three. And the other two are asleep.”
Cael groaned. “Seriously? I want a Christmas like yours.”
“You say that now…. You’d get bored, I’m sure.”
“I’m sharing a room with two brothers and a cousin,” Cael said, sounding grumpy. “I’m excited about getting back to my horrible roommate. Can you imagine?”
Evan laughed. “It must be crowded.”
“It’s hell. Anyway. Tell me what’s happening there.”
Evan felt a rush of guilt. There was no other word for it.
“I ran into Scott. My friend from when I was a kid, remember?”
“The one you had a massive crush on?”
He couldn’t read Cael’s tone, not at all. “Yeah,” he said as his stomach churned. “That one.”
“Huh. How is he?”
“Good, thanks.”
“What happened, Evan? Just tell me.”
Evan blinked back tears. “He kissed me.”
“He kissed you?”
“Yeah.”
“So you weren’t an active participant in this kiss?”
“Cael, please don’t.”
“Don’t what? You just told me you kissed another guy. How the fuck did you expect me to react?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know.”
“Do you want to be with him?”
“No,” Evan lied. He hoped Cael couldn’t hear it. The lie. “He goes to college in fucking Wisconsin. It’s not like I have all these opportunities to cheat on you with him, Cael. It was one kiss, and I broke it off. I didn’t ask him for it, and….”
“And what?”
“I wanted you to know, so you wouldn’t think I was hiding it from you. If it had meant something, I wouldn’t have said anything.” He took a deep breath. “Are you going to break up with me?”
“I don’t know,” Cael said, and suddenly his voice was very small, almost broken. “You kissed someone else.”
“Someone else kissed me.”
“I need to think about it.”
“Okay.” Evan closed his eyes and dug the heel of his free hand into an eye socket. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want this. You know how much I care about you, right?”
Cael made a choked noise. “Why did you have to do this today?” he whined. “Of all fucking days.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. Me too. Look, Evan, I need to go.”
“No,” Evan croaked. “Not like this.”
“I have family waiting for me. I’ll talk to you when we get back to school, yeah?”
“I can call you before then.”
“No…. I want to think about things.”
Evan nodded and sniffed. “Okay. I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye, Evan.”
Cael hung up before Evan had the chance to say anything else.
He flipped the phone shut, rolled onto his front, and buried his face in the pillow. He wanted to be under Cael right now, making out slowly and touching each other everywhere, too scared to take clothes off in case a roommate decided to return home early. He wanted to walk into ECU’s GLBT society holding Cael’s hand, feeling smug that he’d found someone on this campus, someone who thought he was worthy of dating.
But more than all of that….
He wanted to spend more time discovering what Scott’s tongue tasted like. He wanted Scott’s waist between his palms, Scott’s hair between his fingers. Evan wanted to know what would happen if they had an empty house and a few precious hours with the sure knowledge no one was going to interrupt them.
While he was sniffing and wallowing in a self-indulgent sulk, Evan’s phone buzzed in his hand. He checked the readout and then laughed to himself at the irony of it all.
Evan flipped the phone open again and hit the button to open Scott’s message.
Hi. What are you up to
Nothing much. Everyone here is asleep. You?
My brother is a dick and my sister is a demon.
Evan laughed, feeling the weight in his chest start to loosen. Before he could respond, another message came through.
Wanna go for a drive? I can come pick you up.
Evan’s hands seemed to move independently of what his brain was telling them to do.
Sure.
He quickly changed, pulling on a thick sweater over his T-shirt and finding his heavy boots. He didn’t want to think too much about what he was doing… of what Scott wanted from him.
He tried to make as much noise as possible as he went back downstairs, and it seemed to work. His mom was stirring when he went into the family room and sat down to lace his boots.
“Hey,” he said softly. “I’m going to go out with Scott for a bit. That okay?”
“Sure, honey,” his mom said sleepily.
“If I stay over there, I’ll let you know.”
His mom reached out her hand and squeezed his. “If you’re with Scott, I’m not worried.”
Evan swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Happy Christmas, Mom.”
A car beeped outside, and Evan rushed to his feet, made sure he had his house key, wallet, phone, and the last wrapped gift from under the tree tucked into his jacket pocket before slamming the door shut behind him.
Scott had left the engine running and the heat on high, so it was almost stifling when Evan let himself into the passenger seat.
“Hi,” he said, grinning at his best friend.
“Fuck, it’s cold.”
Evan pulled the door closed and rubbed his hands together. Scott was wearing leather gloves, but Evan hadn’t bothered.
“Happy Christmas.”
“Ugh. I’m so over the holiday season.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I love my family, but man, when they all get together….”
“Your grandma gets drunk and disorderly, and your grandfather—”
“Is a racist dick, yeah. You remember.”
Evan laughed. Scott was winding his way through the familiar streets of their hometown. It was almost eerie like this—dark streets, the houses lit up with brightly colored fairy lights, snow on the ground and on the roofs. Hardly any other cars passed them as they took the long loop around to their old high school.
“You been back here since we left?” Scott
asked as he pulled over. The whole building was cloaked in darkness, and it seemed smaller somehow, from when Evan was here last.
“Yeah, actually. I stopped in to see Ms. Martinez when I was back for Thanksgiving.”
Scott’s family had spent that holiday as they always did, at his uncle’s cabin in the mountains. Evan had been there a few times when he was a kid, and “cabin” didn’t really do the place justice. It was more of a luxury hunting lodge with space to sleep about twenty people.
“You know there used to be rumors you were fucking her,” Scott said absently. He was still looking out the window, his reflection in it revealing his pinched expression.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. You two were always close. And she gave you those ‘special projects.’”
Evan laughed. “Well, no. That was very not true.”
“You don’t sound mad.”
He shrugged. “Jocelyn is a friend. I suppose people are always looking for a scandal. And I guess rumors like that helped keep me in the closet for the last couple of years of high school.”
“That mattered to you?”
“I couldn’t have come out, Scott. Even with you there to protect me and the fact that I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks of me. It would have been hell.”
“You can’t know that.”
“I know what people are like now,” he said softly. “It’s not always easy.”
“I wouldn’t have cared.”
“I know.”
They were silent for a while then, looking out at the abandoned field where Scott had led his team to so many football victories. It hadn’t been that long ago, not in the grand scheme of things, but it seemed like a lifetime had passed.
Without saying anything else, Scott turned the engine over and took them out toward the beach, which was absolutely deserted.
“You wanna go jump in the ocean?” Scott asked with the twinkle in his eye that had gotten Evan in so much trouble during his formative years.
“Oh, hell no,” Evan laughed. “No way.”
“Come on. It’ll be fun.”
“Your mom is a nurse, Scott. Hypothermia isn’t fun. Just ask her.”
He laughed at that. “It’s warm in here. We’d dry off real quick.”
“I am not jumping in the ocean in the middle of winter.”
