Uncertain Destiny

by Carole Mortimer

  Justin gave a weary sigh, the marriage certificate fluttering back down on to the table as he moved his hand to run his fingers distractedly through his hair. ‘Yes—I do see,’ he finally answered in a raggedly disjointed voice. ‘The marriage certificate confirms that I was married before,’ he conceded flatly.

  ‘Yes,’ she nodded, her eyes pained.

  ‘And now you want to know about—’

  ‘Penny,’ she put in firmly.

  He frowned darkly. ‘How do you know her name?’ he demanded suspiciously.

  ‘Dreams. Your dreams,’ she revealed. ‘When you called out for her.’ She deliberately kept her voice devoid of emotion, not wanting it to sound like an accusation, even though his calling for the other woman had made her feel betrayed.

  ‘Oh, God.’ He groaned, his gaze momentarily hidden from her as he squeezed his eyes tightly shut. The memories were all there in the silver-grey depth once he looked at her again. ‘I’m sorry for that,’ he told her heavily. ‘I thought they had all stopped. I—I am sorry you had to find out about Penny that way.’

  Caroline moistened her lips. ‘All I learnt from your dreams was that you had a woman in your life called Penny. I didn’t realise until last night that she had been your wife.’

  His gaze widened. ‘Then what—’ He broke off abruptly as Mrs Avery bustled in with the tray of tea.

  ‘Sorry I took so long.’ She seemed unaware of the tension in the room, her flushed cheeks telling of her own flustered mood. ‘The telephone rang. And then I realised I had forgotten to put the kettle on. And then—but you don’t want to hear all this.’ She suddenly seemed to realise that the silence in the room was fraught with an expectant tension. ‘I’ll go and see about dinner,’ she awkwardly excused herself.

  ‘Poor Mrs Avery.’ Caroline gave the ghost of a smile as the tiny woman hurried from the room. ‘She isn’t used to all this.’

  ‘I don’t think any of us are,’ Justin bit out, seeming more in control after the brief interruption. ‘If you didn’t know Penny had been my wife, what did you think she was?’ He watched her closely.

  Caroline drew in a ragged breath. ‘I believed that—that she was the woman you loved. I didn’t know she was dead.’

  ‘If I loved another woman, why did I marry you?’ he demanded impatiently.

  ‘Any number or reasons.’ She shrugged ruefully. ‘Penny could have been married to someone else. Or maybe she couldn’t accept your decision about not having children. Or perhaps—’

  ‘I get the general idea,’ Justin bit out raspingly. ‘When did these—dreams start?’ he frowned darkly.

  She sighed. ‘The night we first went to dinner with Sonia and Tony. The first night you hadn’t—hadn’t—’ She couldn’t put into words the start of her disillusionment when he had rejected her so cruelly.

  ‘Oh, my God,’ he groaned emotionally. ‘And when I called out for Penny later that night you thought it was because I loved her!’ He grasped Caroline’s arms painfully, forcing her to look at him. ‘Darling, it wasn’t that at all—’

  ‘Don’t call me that.’ She wrenched away from him, her eyes dark with pain. ‘You loved her. I could tell that you loved her!’

  ‘Of course I did,’ he admitted dismissively. ‘But it was twelve years ago, Caroline. I’m not even the same person now that I was then!’

  ‘I know that,’ she choked. ‘The man you are today is incapable of feeling love!’

  The hands he had been raising to grasp hers suddenly clenched into fists instead, Justin recoiling as if he had been struck.

  He turned away from her, his breathing ragged. ‘Can’t you see,’ he finally bit out forcefully, ‘how much loving someone hurts?’

  ‘I know exactly how much it hurts,’ she choked, her love for him clearly revealed in her pain-filled eyes if he would only care to turn and look at her.

  And he did turn, flinching back from her as if she had dealt him a physical blow. ‘I never asked for your love.’ He shook his head, coldness in his gaze now. ‘I told you from the first how I felt about it.’

  ‘But you didn’t reject my love when I first offered it to you!’ she reminded him raggedly.

  ‘No,’ he conceded heavily. ‘I’d hoped—wanted—’ He breathed harshly. ‘Where do we go from here?’

  Caroline felt as if part of her had curled up inside her and died. What had she expected, that Justin would suddenly get down on his knees and declare his undying love for her, tell her that no matter how he had felt in the past he could no longer deny his love for her and their child? Those were the things that dreams were made of, and when a man was as determined as Justin never to fall in love again they were destined to remain just that, dreams.

  ‘You don’t go anywhere,’ she sighed shakily. ‘But I have to go. You must see that.’

  No emotion showed on his face; she might just as well have told him she intended going out shopping, not that she was leaving him and not coming back!

  ‘Like all women, I had foolish dreams,’ she dismissed self-derisively, her heart breaking inside. ‘But now I think it would be best, for all of us—’ she had to think of her child, and the man standing before her could never love anyone ‘—if I just left.’ She held her head up proudly in defiance of the pain that threatened to rip her apart.

  Justin still stood unmoving—and unmoved. ‘I can’t let you do that,’ he murmured softly.

  As if any of them had a choice any more! She had to believe they would all be better off her way, she because she would no longer be constantly seeking the unattainable, her baby because it would grow up knowing only love, and Justin because he was happiest when he wasn’t forced to acknowledge emotion. It didn’t matter that she would always love him, not when she had her child to consider, too.

  She gave a dismissive shake of her head. ‘I wasn’t asking your permission, Justin,’ she stated huskily. ‘This is the way it has to be.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Justin—’

  ‘Not yet, Caroline,’ he insisted harshly. ‘If you still want to go in a few months’ time then I’ll help you set up your new home. I’m sure Mrs Avery will be only too pleased to accompany you wherever you want to go,’ he added drily. ‘Her loyalties had changed by about the second day you moved in,’ he conceded ruefully.

  ‘I’ll be pleased to have her,’ Caroline accepted distractedly, ‘but I’m most certainly not waiting a few months before I leave.’

  ‘I can’t let you go just yet.’ Justin shook his head.

  ‘And I already told you I don’t need your permission!’ She was becoming deeply agitated; why couldn’t he at least let her leave with her dignity intact! ‘Justin, don’t let’s prolong this. Let’s just end things while we’re at least still friends.’

  He gave a tight, humourless smile. ‘I’m not asking this to hurt you any more. I just—Caroline, why don’t you sit down? You’ve been under enough strain for one day.’ He frowned. ‘All this can’t be good for the baby.’

  ‘Please don’t pretend that it matters to you,’ she said sadly. ‘That would be too cruel.’

  ‘I certainly don’t want you to lose it, and if I—’ He broke off, breathing harshly. ‘You have to stay here!’

  Caroline looked at him searchingly. ‘Why?’ she finaly prompted huskily.

  ‘Is your pregnancy going well?’ he probed anxiously. ‘Is the doctor satisfied that everything is—normal?’

  ‘Very normal,’ she confirmed warily. ‘Justin, tell me what’s wrong?’ she urged with a sudden certainty that something definitely was wrong!

  He drew in a deep breath. ‘You once asked me about—well, about this.’ He put a hand up to his velvet-covered eye.

  ‘Yes?’ She felt a strange churning in her chest.

  Justin nodded abruptly, seeming to be searching for the right words. ‘There is no easy way to tell you this,’ he finally bit out harshly. ‘You’re sure nothing is—going to happen, to you or the baby?’ He looked at her anxiously.<
br />
  ‘I can’t promise.’ She shook her head. ‘But if it’s something that I have a right to know, something that affects my leaving today, then I think you should tell me.’

  ‘At least sit down,’ he encouraged softly.

  She couldn’t see how having her sit down was going to make any difference if what he were about to tell her was so disturbing, but she did as he requested anyway, sensing that he really was anxious nothing should happen to the baby.

  ‘The tea is probably cold by now, but—’

  ‘Justin, I don’t want any tea,’ Caroline told him patiently. ‘I just want to know what’s bothering you.’

  ‘Lindford is what’s bothering me!’ he bit out forcefully.

  ‘Don Lindford?’ she repeated in a bewildered voice. ‘But what does he have to do—’ She broke off, paling as she remembered what Justin had said a few minutes ago. ‘You mean he—’ She swallowed hard, nausea quickly rising. ‘He’s the one—’

  ‘—who blinded me,’ Justin finished grimly, his fingers moving absently against the black velvet that covered the unseeing orb. ‘Yes, he’s the one,’ he confirmed harshly. ‘And until I find out what he intends to take from me this time, I can’t let you leave here!’

  CHAPTER NINE

  CAROLINE looked up at him with bewildered eyes. ‘Take from you?’ she repeated dazedly.

  Justin came down on his haunches beside her chair, taking her chilled hands in his. ‘Surely you can see that he’s been coming here for a reason, that his friendly little promises to “see me again soon” are no more than veiled threats?’ he explained grimly.

  Yes, she could see that now, now that she knew the other man had deliberately injured Justin in the past because of the wrong he considered he had done him.

  She would never have guessed that the pleasantly attractive man was responsible for blinding Justin, his ready charm having lulled her into a false sense of security where he was concerned. It gave her a shiver down her spine to recall how friendly he had seemed, how he had talked to her teasingly as if he were an old friend of Justin’s who had just heard of his marriage. She didn’t need to be told where he had been ‘away’ so that he was unable to attend their wedding as he had claimed. It would have been a little difficult for him to have got out of prison for the day!

  God, how he must laughed at her for her ignorance about him. And Justin was right about those veiled threats; she recognised them for exactly what they were now. She also realised what Justin had already known, that the other man’s visits while he was at work hadn’t been accidental at all, that Don Lindford had been well aware of the fact that Justin wouldn’t be at home at that time of the day.

  Last time he had taken the sight of one of Justin’s eyes as his retribution; what did he intend to take this time?

  ‘Oh, God, Justin!’ She paled even more as realisation hit her. ‘He knows about the baby.’ She clutched at him frantically. ‘He realised this afternoon that I was pregnant, and congratulated me on the fact.’ Her eyes were wild. ‘He wouldn’t try to—try to—God! Justin,’ she choked again.

  ‘The man’s dangerous, his vindictiveness is a sickness. Can’t you do anything to stop him?’ She gazed up at him anxiously.

  ‘The police already know of his last visit—’

  ‘They do?’ she pounced eagerly.

  He nodded slowly, his gaze gently apologetic. ‘I was afraid to tell you before who he was in case anything happened to the baby. I didn’t want to risk causing you to miscarry,’ he told her grimly. ‘But I had to stop you leaving me, and leaving yourself open to Lindford’s schemes.’ He looked at her searchingly. ‘Maybe I should call your doctor now and get him to check you over. This must have been a shock to you, and—’

  ‘Justin, babies, and pregnant women, are much stronger than you realise,’ she sighed. ‘I don’t even feel a twinge of discomfort. And no doctor would thank you for bringing him here for no reason other than your own worry.’

  ‘I don’t give a damn whether he would thank me or not,’ he rasped. ‘You’re what’s important.’

  She could see that she was important to him, that although Justin still didn’t want their child—his child—he couldn’t bear to see anything happen to her or it. She didn’t know which it was worse to feel, the futile love she had for Justin, or his own inability to recognise love, to acknowledge it even if he did recognise it.

  ‘You should have told me about Don Lindford, Justin,’ she frowned. ‘It’s been weeks since his last visit.’ She gave an involuntary shiver as she realised he had been as close to her in this room as Justin was now.

  ‘I’ve alerted the police, although there isn’t anything they can do unless he actually commits a crime, except warn him to behave himself, and they’ve already done that.’ He grimaced. ‘Paying a visit and congratulating you on your pregnancy can’t be considered a threat. But Mrs Avery knew to call me if he came here again.’

  ‘You’ve been treating me like a child who had to be protected from the truth, Justin—’

  ‘It was your child I was concerned about. Can’t you see that?’ he interrupted angrily. ‘I knew you would never forgive me if anything happened to the baby because of who and what I am,’ he said bitterly. ‘You’ve forgiven me a lot of things, but even you wouldn’t have been able to accept that!’

  ‘You still should have told me, shouldn’t have kept this to yourself.’ Her eyes suddenly widened as she realised Don Lindford knew all about her family too, and now that she knew who he was, and what he had done to Justin in the past, she very much doubted that he had acquired that knowledge through gossip about her and Justin, as he had claimed he had. He seemed to have an obsessive need to know all about Justin, and the people who were close to him. ‘My family have to be warned—’

  ‘Tony already knows to take care of Sonia, and your parents are sensible people, too. Unfortunately, paying me social calls can’t be considered a crime,’ Justin grated, his gaze bleak.

  ‘But he didn’t come to see you. I’m sure seeing me here alone was deliber—What do you mean, Tony already knows about it?’ She looked puzzled as she realised what he had said. ‘You told him?’ she frowned.

  Justin gave an abrupt nod of his head. ‘The night we first went over there for dinner. You had mentioned Lindford’s visit, and Tony saw my reaction to it. He realised something wasn’t quite right about Lindford’s visit. In the circumstances I thought it best that he know.’ He shrugged.

  ‘So that’s why he seemed different when the two of you got back from buying the champagne,’ Caroline said slowly.

  ‘Yes,’ Justin sighed. ‘As soon as we were out of the door he started asking questions.’ He looked at her ruefully. ‘Once he knew the truth about Lindford he agreed with me about not telling you yet, something to do with the early months of pregnancy being the most delicate. As it turned out it was the best thing; it saved you six weeks of unnecessary worry. When anything might have happened,’ he added pointedly.

  For someone who proclaimed to care nothing for their child he had been very anxious that no harm should come to it! Unless that really was because he believed she would blame him if she miscarried because of a past he could do nothing about. She suddenly felt too tired to battle with her own thoughts any more today, feeling weak and ill.

  She sighed wearily. ‘It seems I have no choice but to stay here until we find out what—game this man Lindford is playing with us.’ Worry etched her brow. ‘I wish—oh!’ She gave a start of surprise as she clutched instinctively at the slight swelling that was the baby.

  Justin was instantly at her side, his face very pale, his gaze darkly shadowed. ‘What is it?’ he demanded anxiously. ‘Is it the baby? Oh, my God,’ he choked. ‘I didn’t—’

  ‘It is the baby, Justin.’ She spoke calmly, soothingly, her expression serene. ‘But nothing is wrong. I just felt a fluttering movement, like the gentle beat of a butterfly’s wing.’ Tears of happiness glistened in her eyes as she looked up at him
emotionally. ‘I felt our son or daughter move inside me for the first time!’ she told him shakily.

  He seemed to pale even more, shaking his head as he moved away from her. ‘You couldn’t have done,’ he gasped. ‘It’s too soon, surely?’

  ‘About sixteen weeks the doctor told me it can occasionally be felt, and I’m just over that, although it is usually about twenty weeks.’ She gazed up at him yearningly. ‘It’s the strangest sensation, and yet the most beautiful too. I—’

  ‘I think you should go and lie down,’ he cut in abruptly, keeping his gaze averted from where her hands still rested lightly against their baby. ‘I’ll have Mrs Avery prepare an early dinner and then I think you should get some rest. And you don’t need to worry, I’ll be sleeping in the guest-room from now on!’

  Caroline watched in dismay as he strode briskly from the room. Nothing was going to change, it never would change; she had been a fool to hope that it ever would. She could only hope she wasn’t forced to stay here too much longer.

  But their lives did change irrevocably after that day, with not even the physical closeness there now to prevent Justin and herself from becoming complete strangers.

  They went about their lives separately, often not seeing each other for days at a time, Justin often eating dinner in his study while Caroline had a tray in her room. If Mrs Avery was aware of the estrangement she wisely said nothing.

  They heard nothing from Don Lindford in the weeks that followed, and it seemed that he was still out of the country. Justin had his own ideas as to the purpose of these ‘business trips’ but proving it would be difficult, although it almost seemed as if the other man was daring Justin to try and prove anything against him by telling him of his ‘import/export’ business.

  Neither of them had any doubt that he meant to keep to his promise to see Justin again!