by Sara Mack
“Because I’m an idiot,” he responds without hesitation.
I smirk. “You said it, not me.”
He gives me a tiny smile, but it quickly fades. “When we met…” he pauses, trying to gather his thoughts. “I wasn’t looking for anyone else. Or anything else. Teagan was on my mind constantly.”
My face automatically twists at the mention of her name.
“Not like that,” he says, noticing my reaction. “I was having second thoughts. The longer she was away, the more I started to realize that I had asked her to marry me for the wrong reasons.”
I shift my weight in the seat to get more comfortable. “So why did you propose?”
“Because it was expected of me.”
I shoot him a confused look. “Shouldn’t you at least be in love with the person?”
“I was once,” he says and leans his head against the headrest.
“And?”
He turns to me. “I’m not anymore.”
Why does my heart skip a beat when he says this? I reprimand myself. Dane and I are done.
“Teagan and I were that couple,” he says, explaining. “You know, the couple in high school brought together by friends more so than any true feelings.” He looks up and stares out the moon roof of the car. “I’ve been with her since we were sixteen. It made sense for us to date back then. We were both popular; our parents knew each other.” He looks at me again. “And she wasn’t too hard to look at.”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, I can see where her looks make up for what she’s lacking in personality.”
He laughs. “She wasn’t always this nasty.”
I undo my seatbelt and turn my body to face him, curling my knees up on the seat. “So what went wrong?”
“She’s always been spoiled, but it soared to new levels when we went to college. I think it went to her head.”
“Why didn’t you break up with her if you didn’t like her new attitude?”
He sighs. “It was a gradual thing. It’s not like one day she woke up a complete bitch.”
I laugh.
He smiles and shakes his head. “Then, after we graduated, her father offered me a job. My dream job, actually. I mean, how many grads do you know get to start their career immediately after college? Not many. Plus, it was my chance to avoid working for my dad at Bay Woods.”
“Hey! It wasn’t that bad.”
“No,” he concedes and looks me in the eye. “Not with you there.”
My pulse picks up again. Does he do that on purpose? “So,” I clear my throat, “you felt you had to propose because her dad gave you a job?”
He frowns and considers my question. “I guess that was part of it,” he admits. “Teagan was getting anxious and bringing up marriage all the time. I understood why she was doing it; we’d been together for seven years. But, I kept putting her off. Then she was selected to be on the conservation team and was headed to God-knows-where. At the time I thought that was my sign, you know, do it now because who knows what will happen. So I did.”
“I bet she was ecstatic,” I say.
He rolls his eyes. “Please. The wedding talk has been non-stop. Even while she was gone her mother kept hounding me. She made me book the honeymoon a year ago because ‘that’s the groom’s responsibility,’” he mimics Teagan’s mother’s voice.
I feel like I’ve been sucker punched. “So when’s the big day?” Why does this bother me? It shouldn’t bother me!
“Never,” he says adamantly and leans forward. “When she left, I finally had some space to breathe, some time to myself. Time to figure out what I wanted without her in my face all the time.” He pauses. “I know what I want. And I don’t want her.”
My mouth falls open in surprise. “Shouldn’t someone inform the bride?”
He snickers. “She knows. She thinks I’ll change my mind.” He lets out a frustrated sigh and runs his hand through his hair. “She hasn’t told anyone that we’re not together. She won’t stop throwing herself in my face, won’t stop coming over. Won’t take off the ring.”
Wow. And I thought my relationship with James was messed up. Still, even with all he’s told me, he hasn’t answered my original question. “And you didn’t tell me about her because…?”
“Because I didn’t want you to think I was some jerk who runs around proposing to women and then plays around while they’re out of town.” He pins me with a pained expression. “I wanted to end things with her months ago, but I felt I owed it to Teagan to do it in person, not over Skype. When she came home I told her the engagement was off. As you can imagine, it didn’t go over well,” he grimaces. “She’s been putting up a fight ever since; she let herself into my place and came across the bill for the things I sent you. If I had known she had mailed that article to you I…”
My eyes open wide. “She sent it?”
“When she asked me about the bill, I explained that you were Matt’s friend and we had worked together. I told her we had grown close. When Matt told me how you found out about Teagan, I confronted her.”
“Maybe you should get your locks changed,” I joke.
“I need to,” he sighs. “Just last week I found her there in my bed.”
I swallow. I don’t know why I even want to ask this question, but I ask it anyway. “Have you two…?”
He looks me straight in the eye. “Do you want the truth?”
No, not really. “Yes.”
He leans forward and searches my face. “When she first came back, we…I…tried. You had said you didn’t want me, but…” he hesitates. “But I couldn’t go through with it.”
“Why?” I whisper.
“Because all I could think about was you.”
My heart stops. I shake my head to clear it and give him a stern look. “Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
I put my feet down and lean forward. “Saying things like that! Looking at me like that!”
He tilts his head and smiles. “It’s hard not to. You are an odd shade of green.”
“That’s not what I meant!” I push against his shoulder in frustration. My action backfires because he grabs my wrist and pulls me forward, so I’m half leaning over the console.
“I know what you meant,” he says, his face inches from mine. “I’m not going to lie to you ever again. You asked for the truth, and I gave it to you.”
I try to pull my arm away, but it doesn’t work. “Will you stop manhandling me?”
He raises his eyebrows. “I think you want me to manhandle you.”
My mouth falls open. “Arrogant much?”
Dane stares into my eyes. “When will you admit that you have feelings for me? I know that you do.”
I try to remain impassive. “Even if I did I couldn’t act on them.”
“So you admit it then?”
Shoot! I blush and try to back track. “Nothing has changed. I still love James.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t love me, too.”
Has he been talking to Garrett? “Dane…”
His face softens. “Em, you’ve told me before.”
I stare at him, confused. “What are you talking about? I never said…”
“After you were attacked.” He moves his free hand to cradle my face. “When I was calling for help you said I love you.”
I stare at him wide-eyed as my heart begins to pound. I did say that. But I was talking to James! Dane and I remain face to face, and I’m frozen. I can’t tell him I was talking to my dead boyfriend!
He leans closer, his voice dropping an octave. “I’m dying here. Would you please just kiss me?”
My pulse is racing; his lips are centimeters from mine. Am I actually considering this? “I…”
“Don’t tell me you can’t.”
I turn my head to buy some time – and see James sitting in the back seat of the car.
“Holy shit!” I yell and scramble backwards, yanking my hand from Dane’s grasp.
“What? What is it?�
� Dane looks panicked.
I shift my eyes to the back seat and James gives me a condescending stare. “Go ahead,” he challenges me. “You know you want to.”
What? He’s going to choose to appear now? He’s never done this before!
“Is everything okay?” Dane asks, worried.
I close my eyes as my mind scrambles. “I thought…maybe we should…” I open my eyes and let out a muted squeak. Meg has taken a seat next to James, her hand on top of his.
James focuses on me, clearly agitated. “So?” he asks. “Are you going to kiss him or not?”
Does he expect me to answer that?
Meg gives me a sympathetic smile and then she pats James’ hand, pulling his attention away from me. James meets Meg’s eyes and nods. He gives me one last look as they fade away together.
Anger builds inside my chest. How dare he!
“Emma? Seriously, you’re freaking me out,” Dane says.
His voice snaps me back to attention, and I focus on his face. “I’m sorry.” I move my body away from the door. “I don’t know what happened.”
“Are you sure? You look angry.”
I am angry. James knows how hard it is for me to maintain my composure when I hear him, let alone see him. He just made me look like a complete ass in front of Dane! My mind turns to Meg, and my jaw tenses. He thinks my being here with Dane is bad? Obviously he gets to hang out with whomever he wants, involve them in my personal business. Where are my choices? I look at Dane and reach for his jacket with my right hand. “Come here.”
He looks confused but leans forward just the same. I grab a hold of him near his collar and pull him to me as best I can. My face hovers inches from his. “If I kiss you now it’s only to prove a point.”
“Prove what point?”
“That I have choices. That I am in control.”
“Okay.” He smiles like he knows I’m lying. “Whatever you say.”
“You’re that desperate to kiss me?” I ask.
“I’m always desperate to kiss you.”
That does it. I catch his mouth with mine as I clutch his jacket, with both hands now, pulling him to me. His hands travel up my arms and one settles against my neck, cradling my face. His touch is hot against my skin, just like in my dream, and I allow myself to let go for once. I let him pull me closer; allow him to consume my mouth. Shivers travel up my spine as everything inside me starts to warm and soften, sending warning bells ringing in my head. It’s time to stop this before it gets out of hand.
I pull away and he tries to follow me by resting his forehead against mine. “Okay,” I say, trying to catch my breath. “My point’s been made.”
“To who?” he asks. “I didn’t get it.” He tries to catch my mouth with his again.
“No.” I release his clothes and straighten myself in my seat. “Don’t get the wrong idea. My choice. I’m in control. We can start to be friends again. That’s it.”
“Confused much?” he asks, mimicking my earlier comment.
I shoot him a sarcastic look. “Yes, actually.” First I’m mad and now I’m kissing him? I pause. “I’m not kissing you anymore.”
“Maybe not tonight.” His expression is smug as he leans back. “But there’s plenty more where that came from.”
“Says who?”
“Says you.”
I slump down in my seat. What have I started?
My inner voice, the MC, speaks up again, letting me know Anxiety won round two of my mental boxing match and is gearing up for round three. Who is the next opponent? Looks like my good friend, Doubt.
Chapter 15
The next day, I end up staying at my parents longer than I had originally planned. My brother and his girlfriend came over for dinner, which convinced me to spend a few more hours at home. It feels good to spend time with my family and away from Guardian issues. Not that James couldn’t visit me anywhere at any time, but I have the feeling he’s saving our next conversation for a more private location. And that’s fine with me. I plan to use the long drive back to school to formulate my thoughts into coherent sentences. Every time I think about what I want to say to him, I talk myself in circles.
After hugging my mom and dad goodbye, I head out to my car balancing my keys, my backpack, and a leftover dish full of pot roast and vegetables. I sigh. I won’t make it back to my apartment until after ten now. If I weren’t so close to graduation, I would seriously consider transferring to a school closer to home. I toss my backpack into the passenger seat and then crawl in myself, arranging the leftover dish so it will stay in place. I pull my phone out of my pocket to connect it to the radio for the drive and start the car. I grip the steering wheel and pause, staring out the windshield at my childhood home. I really wish I could stay here.
My cell chimes and I glance down. I didn’t lose your number.
I roll my eyes. Here we go. Obviously.
Where are you? Dane asks.
On my way back. I don’t think it’s a good idea to let him know I’m still in town.
Stop texting. Let me know when you get there.
Ok.
I said stop texting!
I laugh. Little does he know I’m parked in my parent’s driveway. I remember our sarcastic banter from the summer, and I try to think of something witty to send back. I come up with nothing. I put the phone down, put the car in drive, and make it to the road. My cell sounds again.
Think about when I can visit.
I swallow. Yeah, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.
After apologizing to Garrett for waking him to get my key, I let myself into my apartment. I’m grateful to be that much closer to bed and snuggling with LB. I flip the light switch by the door and sweep the room, expecting to find her waiting for me. Instead, what I see almost causes me to drop my leftovers.
James is leaning against the arm of the couch and Meg is standing directly in front of him, too close for my liking, but apparently not for his. James meets my eyes and quickly stands as Meg takes an automatic step back. I narrow my eyes at them as anger surges through my veins. “What do you think this is? A motel?”
James gives me a condescending look as Meg takes the hint and evaporates immediately. I march into the room and throw my backpack on the floor, then turn and head to the kitchen with the leftovers. I’m afraid if I hold on to them I might throw them. I yank open the refrigerator, toss the container in, and slam the door. Since I can’t physically hurt James I might as well take it out on the appliances.
When I return to face him, I stop just a few feet over the threshold from the kitchen and cross my arms. He plants his feet and does the same. We stare at each other.
Three thumps on my wall interrupt the silence. I take a few steps back, never losing eye contact with James, and hit the wall to answer Garrett’s good night. When I return to my previous spot, he finally speaks.
“You two have some secret code now?” James asks bitterly.
“Yes,” my voice drips with sarcasm. “That was the ‘Hey-Garrett-James-is-with-Meg-again’ signal.”
He tilts his head. “Funny. What’s the code for ‘I’m-going-home-to-make-out-with-Dane-can-you-watch-my-cat’?”
I step forward. “That’s not what happened.”
“Isn’t it?” He pauses. “It sure looked like a rendezvous to me.” Using his fingers, he ticks off the details. “Parked car. Middle of the night. Secluded spot. Am I forgetting anything? Oh, yes,” he looks at me accusingly, “your lips on his.”
Blood starts to pound in my ears. “Are you going to let me explain? Or would you rather assume you know everything?”
His raises his eyebrows and gestures for me to go ahead.
“I didn’t plan on running into Dane yesterday; I didn’t know he would be at the party.”
James feigns confusion. “So you ended up connected at the mouth how?”
I inhale, trying to maintain my composure. “He wanted to talk, to apologize. To explain the whole engagement fiasco.”
“That still doesn’t answer my question.”
“Did you miss the part where I told him I was still in love with you? I wasn’t going to kiss him! If you had waited to appear for, like, two seconds, you would have seen that!”
James shakes his head. “I don’t believe you.”
“It’s the truth,” I say adamantly.
“Really?” He looks me dead in the eye. “I saw what happened after Meg and I left. I heard you choose – and I saw what you did.”
The mention of Meg’s name irritates me to no end. “Good! That’s what I wanted!”
He looks confused for a moment and then rearranges his face. I walk up to him and stop inches from his chest. “The only reason I kissed Dane was to prove to you that I’m in control – not him, not you, and certainly not your little girlfriend!”
His face twists. “She’s not my girlfriend!”
“Is that so?” I press. “She’s everywhere you are! Including in my personal space!”
He looks at me skeptically. “So I’m not allowed to have friends, is that it?”
“Am I?”
“It’s not the same!” James says in frustration. He starts to pace and when he turns back to me, his eyes are hard. “I’ve never kissed Meg.”
I look down to avoid his stare. I know how much Dane gets under James’ skin. Kissing him was a childish move.
“Meg and I are working together,” James says. “She understands me.”
My head snaps up. “And I don’t?”
“You know that’s not what I meant.” He walks toward me. “Meg and I, we want the same thing.” He pauses and searches my face. “It’s what I thought you wanted, too.”
How can he doubt that I would want him to be human? “Of course I want that.”
“Do you?” he asks. “Or have you changed your mind?”
My expression twists. “No!”
My phone rings from my back pocket interrupting us. I reach for it automatically as I mentally kick myself. I was supposed to call my parents when I got back.
“Gee, I wonder who that could be,” James says sarcastically.
“It’s my parents,” I snap. I look down at the phone to answer it and find that I’m wrong. It’s not my mom and dad. I stare at the phone as it continues to ring, afraid to answer it.
