by Maz Evans
‘Get rid of it!’ shrieked Nyx. ‘I’m in no mood for surprises today. Take the – whatever it is, and burn it to ashes.’
‘Isn’t that a bit of a fire hazard?’ whispered Epiphron.
‘Do it. NOW!’ screeched Nyx, sending a bolt of red lightning towards the Daemons.
‘Oh, come now, Mother,’ drawled a familiar voice as the bronze gates opened behind her. ‘Let’s not be so hasty.’
‘You’re back,’ hissed Nyx to her son’s approaching figure. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘My memory, apparently,’ said Thanatos with a slow smile. ‘There was I, halfway to the Earth’s core when I realized I’d forgotten one little thing . . .’
‘What?’ snapped Nyx.
‘The Chaos Stone!’ laughed Thanatos. ‘It’s in the safe in my office. Duh.’
‘Unlike you to be so careless,’ scowled Nyx. ‘Hurry! Go and get it and be on your way! We don’t have time . . .’
‘There’s always time,’ said Thanatos. ‘The Olympians are all but defeated on Earth. Surely we can allow ourselves a moment to celebrate?’
‘I will celebrate when you are the rightful ruler of the Earth. And not a moment before.’
‘You need to lighten up, Mother,’ said Thanatos. ‘After all, what’s the point of ruling the world if we can’t have a little fun. What is this?’
‘It’s nothing,’ said Nyx, ‘I’ve ordered its destruction.’
‘Why ever would you do that?’ said Thanatos, admiring the wooden warthog.
‘I don’t trust it,’ said Nyx. ‘I don’t trust anyone.’
‘Well, you trust me, don’t you?’ said Thanatos. ‘And I rather like it. Bring it in.’
The Daemons looked nervously from Nyx to her son.
‘Don’t move a muscle,’ Nyx commanded. ‘What are you doing? We have no idea what this is or who it’s from. I say we burn it.’
‘I say we enjoy it,’ said Thanatos. ‘It’s probably someone trying to curry favour. They know which way the wind is blowing. Bring it in.’
‘Leave it there!’ Nyx ordered again. ‘I am telling you, as your mother, no good can come of this.’
‘And I am telling you, as the soon-to-be ruler of the world, I don’t care,’ Thanatos growled. ‘Last time I checked, this was my party and I say who’s invited. Now stand aside.’
‘You are making a big mistake,’ Nyx glowered. ‘I can sense it.’
‘And this will look great in my new palace,’ said Thanatos. ‘I can see it. So, Mother. Move.’
Nyx glared angrily at her son. But there was nothing she could do. With the utmost reluctance, she moved out of the warthog’s path and watched it being wheeled slowly into Tartarus. The Daemons closed the massive bronze gates behind it.
‘There,’ said Thanatos. ‘Now, what’s this about a surprise . . . ?’
‘ATTAAAAAAAAACK!’
The cry made Nyx leap into the air.
‘What’s going on?’ she shouted, looking at the large flap in the warthog’s backside, where three fully armed heroes were climbing out. ‘Daemons! We’re under siege!’
At her command, a small flock of Daemons flew from their posts, surrounding the wooden warthog.
‘Daemons, eh?’ roared Hercules, punching Corus and Epiphron out of the way. ‘Theseus? How do you fancy a Daemon Deli?’
‘On it,’ said Theseus, slicing his way with a meat cleaver through the swarm of Daemons in a cloud of goo. ‘Jason, you with us?’
‘Ready,’ said Jason, kicking Daemons left and right with some stealthy karate moves. ‘I’m working on the title song of my next album: The Day the Daemons Died (And Took All Hope With Them).’
‘You see!’ screeched Nyx, grabbing her son by the collar. ‘I told you! I knew it was a trick!’
‘Babe,’ grinned Thanatos. ‘Chillax. And watch the threads . . .’
‘What did you just call me?’ Nyx said, withdrawing cautiously.
‘I said,’ Thanatos repeated, ‘you need to chillax. Babe.’
Nyx tried to quell the rage that consumed her soul as Thanatos’s figure melted before her eyes, dissembling into his true form. A dissembler. A dissembler with an invisibility helmet who could fly over the walls of Tartarus. How could she have been so foolish?
‘Gotcha,’ winked the fully armed Hermes, regaining his usual form. ‘Boom.’
‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!’
Nyx launched herself into the air and unleashed a torrent of red lightning at the Messenger God. But Hermes was prepared. He raised his shield and deflected the lightning straight back at the Goddess of the Night, who had to dive to avoid her own blast.
‘E! V! Go stop Thanatos!’ Hermes shouted, pulling out his iGod. ‘Me and old night-night knickers have a score to settle.’
Nyx saw Elliot and Virgo clamber out of the warthog, guarded by the three heroes, who tried to clear a path for them through the Daemons towards the tunnels leading to the core of the Earth. She smiled. These brats had troubled her long enough. She began her charge to take the children out of the equation for good.
SMACK!
A blast of light flew out of Hermes’s iGod, striking Nyx square in the chest, smashing her against a rocky outcrop.
‘’Ave it,’ grinned Hermes, blowing imaginary smoke from his iGod. ‘Upgraded my phone, didn’t I? This one comes with a top-of-the-range camera, improved storage and unlimited monthly BOSH! E – hold my bag. I got some business to take care of.’
He tossed his satchel to Elliot.
Nyx took a moment to gather her wind and her wits.
‘Clearly I didn’t kill you enough the first time,’ she howled, summoning a ball of red lightning between her talons. ‘I won’t make the same mistake twice. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!’
And she launched herself at the Messenger God, determined that, this time, she would finish him off for good.
18. A Right Royal Kicking
‘OUCH!’
The King of the Gods came thundering down to the ground for the umpteenth time. ‘Give up yet?’ roared The Ram, kicking Athene and Aphrodite across the fields with his left foot.
‘NEVER!’ roared Zeus, pulling himself up again. ‘I’M COMING FOR YOU!’
‘He doesn’t speak for both of us,’ grumbled Pegasus, struggling to his four hooves. ‘If you wish to be tossed around like a salade niçoise, by all means continue. But I’d like to have some of my magnificent limbs left intact, thank you very much.’
‘Come on, Peg,’ said Zeus, ignoring his haughty steed’s groans and clambering back into the saddle. ‘Fourteenth time’s a charm . . .’
‘YOU NASTY LITTLE BLIGHTER!’ Achilles shouted at The Brain, as the younger Titan played keepy-uppy with his head. ‘JUST YOU WAIT! I’LL KICK YOUR GREAT BIG BEHIND FOR THIS! JUST AS SOON AS I’VE FOUND MY LEGS!’
‘Yous need to loirn some manners, you big ole brute!’ yelled Persephone, stepping on The Brain’s giant foot with her high heels.
‘Ow!’ yelped the Titan. ‘You gave me an ouchy.’
‘Get off,’ said The Ram, picking Persephone up by her tail feathers.
‘You put her down!’ commanded Hades, charging towards the larger Titan. ‘I’m woining yoo—’
‘If you say so,’ smiled The Ram, tossing Persephone through the air. She landed with a crunch on top of her husband.
‘You’re even more heroic than I thought,’ cooed Persephone.
‘Geez. You’re even heavier than you look,’ groaned Hades.
The Titans advanced on the exhausted Gods, herding them towards the Heel Stone. The Ram stepped over the small battalion of deities and ripped the sacred stone up, revealing the steps to the prison below.
‘Time for you to check in to your new accommodation,’ he leered. ‘We have two options. Get in yourselves. Or we’ll kick you down every last step.’
‘Not a chance!’ Zeus yelled, drawing his sword. ‘We will never surrender!’
‘Zeush. It’sh no ushe,’ a bruised and battered Ares s
ighed. ‘They’re jusht too shtrong. I shay we shurrender.’
‘You what?’ scowled Aphrodite.
‘Shure,’ shrugged Ares. ‘What’sh the point? We’re done.’
‘You know, this is SO like you!’ screamed Aphrodite. ‘You can’t commit to anything! You know what’s done? WE ARE!’
‘Shuit yourshelf,’ shrugged Ares. ‘Plenty more fish in the shea.’
‘Men. Are. PANTS!’ shrieked Aphrodite, somersaulting across the grass and launching herself ferociously at The Brain. ‘AAAAAAAARGH!’
‘Oh, crikey,’ gulped The Brain as the Goddess of Love kicked him in a particularly sensitive part of his anatomy.
‘That’s for all the single ladies,’ panted Aphrodite, flick-flacking back and accepting her sister’s proud high-five.
‘You see?!’ cried Zeus, clambering back on to Pegasus’s back. ‘NO SURRENDER!’
‘Father,’ panted Athene, running over and placing a restraining hand on her father’s shoulder. ‘We need to regroup. We need a plan. We need reinforcements.’
‘Like who?’ grumbled Aphrodite, pulling grass out of her hair. ‘I don’t exactly see a line of volunteers.’
‘There must be someone,’ Athene cried, wracking her vast brains for the help they so desperately needed.
The Titans closed in tighter, backing the Gods back towards the perilous pit behind them.
‘Oh, look,’ said The Ram, eyeing up the hallowed rocks of Stonehenge with an evil glint. ‘Skittles. Fancy a game, bruv?’
‘Yeah,’ said The Brain, clapping his mighty hands with glee. He grabbed Poseidon with his right hand. ‘Look – a ball.’
‘Put me down, ye great lump o’ squid plop!’ Poseidon raged.
‘Great idea,’ grinned The Ram, scooping up a wobbly Dionysus.
‘I am NEVER drinking again,’ groaned Dionysus, hanging from The Ram’s fingers. ‘Has anyone got a headache pill and a bacon butty?’
‘Ready . . .’ The Brain called, pulling his arm back.
‘Father!’ Athene cried. ‘We have to stop them!’
‘I know,’ said Zeus, looking around for anything that might help.
‘Aim . . .’
‘What are we going to do?’ Aphrodite screamed. ‘We have to—’
‘STOP. RIGHT. THERE!’
Everyone froze as a clear, crisp voice rang out around the stones. It was a voice that demanded respect. It was a voice that commanded authority. It was a voice that required everyone to . . .
‘KISS MY ROYAL BOTTOM! AAAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHH!’
Before the Titans had time to gather their wits, Queen Elizabeth II launched herself at The Brain with a spectacular ninja kick. Such was the pinpoint accuracy of her attack, The Brain was sent sprawling across the grass, the wind knocked clean out of his lungs.
‘What the—?’
But if The Ram had something important to say, he didn’t get time to say it. No sooner had Her Majesty landed in the splits than she sprang back up with a fearsome roar. She charged forward in a series of front somersaults, gathering phenomenal speed as she front-flipped across the Wiltshire plains. By the time she reached The Ram, she was like a sawmill ploughing through the grass, smacking the Titan’s foot with her court shoes, then leaping nimbly up his body until she reached his shoulder.
‘You, sir, have been a very naughty boy,’ she chided.
‘Yeah, grandma?’ said the Titan, trying to grab her as she leapt around his body. ‘What you gonna do about it? Knit me a jumper?’
‘Actually,’ said the Queen, jumping on top of his head and catching her breath. ‘I prefer crochet. Take that!’
And with a perfect backflip, the Queen somersaulted off the Titan’s head, bringing herself level with him for the split second she needed to land an almighty punch square in the face. The Ram stood perfectly still for a moment, as if the punch hadn’t affected him at all. But then, like a tree being felled in a forest, he slowly swayed forward, then wobbled backwards.
‘Look out below!’ called the Queen, descending elegantly to the ground.
The Olympians scattered as the Titan teetered, unsure which way he was going to land. He looked around with a trembling lip.
‘I want my mummy,’ he wailed. Then he finally rocked forward and fell flat on his face with a thundering smack.
‘I think I’m in love,’ Zeus gasped. The Queen, having landed lightly on her feet, immediately began powdering her nose.
‘With someone other than yourself?’ said Hera, striding up to him. ‘I thought I’d fetch the Queen to help us along. You can thank me later.’
‘You can thank me later,’ mimicked Zeus, quite unable to acknowledge the brilliance of his ex-wife’s plan.
‘Good shot, Mummy,’ called Prince Charles as he galloped over on a white polo pony. ‘Shall I take a turn?’
‘Thank you, dear,’ said the Queen, reaching for her lipstick in her handbag, which had stayed firmly in the crook of her elbow throughout.
‘How dare you!’ roared Prince Charles at The Brain. ‘This is our land. You shall never take it! But you can have this!’
And the Prince removed a giant marrow from his saddlebag and launched it at the Titan with his polo stick. It landed with a triumphant splatter right in the middle of The Brain’s giant head.
‘Oweeee!’ The Brain whimpered.
‘Oh, darling, that’s your prize marrow,’ said the Duchess of Cornwall, coming up behind her husband and booting The Ram in the belly on the way past.
‘A prize marrow for a prize melon,’ said Prince Charles. ‘Hello, kids!’
‘Sorry we’re late,’ said Prince William, pulling up in a large family estate car and letting the children out of the back. ‘Couldn’t get Louis’s car seat in. What have we missed?’
‘A proper kicking,’ said The Ram, coming to and rising unsteadily to his feet. ‘Just wait until I get my hands on . . . OW!!!!’
The massive Titan started jumping around from foot to foot, howling in pain.
‘Argh! The torture! The agony!’ he screamed as he leapt around the grass. ‘What fresh hell is this?’
Prince George and Princess Charlotte giggled together.
‘Children,’ scalded the Duchess of Cambridge with a smile. ‘What have I told you about leaving your Lego on the floor?’
‘Poo-poo head!’ laughed the royal children, pointing at The Ram.
A sudden rush of air above them drowned out the Titan’s screams of pain.
‘Don’t start without us!’ cried the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, both dropping down a rope from a hovering helicopter. ‘We do love a good punch-up.’
‘Lovely to see everyone,’ the Queen smiled. ‘Now let’s kick some Titan tush!’
‘Nooooooo!’ The Brain cried. ‘No more! We surrender!’
‘Bruv! RUN!’ screamed The Ram, turning to escape the royal family.
‘I don’t think so,’ said Prince Harry. ‘Are you ready, darling?’
‘Sure,’ said the Duchess of Sussex, yanking the other end of the tripwire they held between them, just in time for the two Titans to fall headlong over it. They came crashing to the ground in a perfect duet of defeated grunts.
‘Super job,’ said the Queen, removing a length of rope from her handbag. ‘Everything seems under control here.’
The rest of the royal family busied themselves tying up the Titans while the children sat on their giant heads.
‘I’ll get these guys back down to Tartarus, don’tcha worry ’bout that,’ said Hades. ‘What a pair of joiks.’
‘Your Majesty,’ gasped Zeus, kneeling before the Queen. ‘Can I just say that was the most magnificent display of warrior skills I have ever seen?’
‘Too kind,’ said the Queen. ‘One is happy to help out.’
‘And can I also say, you are some super smoking hot royal totty?’ Zeus drawled.
‘Father!’ gasped Athene.
‘Too kind again.’ The Queen gave him a wink. ‘One is happy to hear that too. Now �
�� can I assume my Queendom is safe?’
‘I wish!’ Zeus grimaced. ‘Thanks to you, we’re safe up here for now. But unless Elliot stops Thanatos, then all our bally geese are cooked.’
‘I have every faith in young Mr Hooper,’ said the Queen. ‘He seems a rather remarkable young man.’
‘He most certainly is,’ said Zeus gravely, checking his watch. ‘I just hope beyond hope he can be remarkable enough.’
19. Oh, Brother
Take nothing for granted: defeat could be all too easily snatched from the jaws of victory. After living for a thousand lifetimes, no-one knew this better than the Daemon of Death.
But, as he strode towards the Earth’s core, Thanatos allowed himself a small moment of hopeful anticipation. He was so close. He could feel the world in his hands as surely as he felt the Chaos Stone in his palm. After all the waiting, all the suffering, all the pain, he was going to have everything he wanted. Any. Minute. Now.
‘So . . . I have a question,’ Hypnos chirped, disrupting Thanatos’s happy contemplations. ‘You’re going to blast the Earth’s core with the Chaos Stone, right?’
‘Yes,’ snapped Thanatos. He wasn’t in the mood for his brother’s nonsense. But then, he never was.
‘And then the world will be besieged with earthquakes, fires, hurricanes and floods, wiping out all but a few mortals?’
‘Correct.’
‘The Gods will be imprisoned beneath Stonehenge until you snatch their kardia and kill them?’
‘I’ll take my time . . . but, yes.’
‘Coolio,’ said Hypnos, nodding slowly. ‘Then what?’
‘What?’ grumbled Thanatos, walking faster towards his victory.
‘Then what?’ Hypnos repeated, shrugging. ‘I mean, you’ve spent over two thousand years planning to conquer the Earth, take your revenge on the Gods and have the Chaos Stone at your command. Looks like you’re gonna do it. Finally. What then? With most of the mortals gone and the Gods imprisoned, who do you have to fight? I mean, no offence, but your CV is pretty one-note: “Maniacal obsession with world domination.” Not many transferable skills there . . .’
Thanatos stopped and looked at his brother.
‘This has never been about fighting,’ he said. ‘It’s been about winning. I would expect you of all people to understand that.’
