When you left I had the urge to be with my family, with those who unconditionally love and care for me. I will suffer your condemnation as a weak soul, but in some respects I think you will understand. I hope to one day understand your rejection; I admit to struggling with it at the moment. I have always fought for anything I believed in, but perhaps that is the problem, you did not believe in me, or that we could turn what we felt into the happy ever after that I know does exist. If I thought I could change your mind I might have stayed, but my pride says that to have been rejected by you twice is enough to convince me that you do not feel as I had hoped and that I need to be realistic not romantic.
I shall be going to Hampshire, not immediately to Bath and ultimately may be away for some time. I shall let the gossip subside once Sophie’s announcement in the Times is seen. I know James was throwing caution to the wind a little towards the end of the week, so there will be some speculation which I would rather avoid. I can provide amusement enough for my neighbours, but do not necessarily want to be there while they have their pleasure! Very unsporting of me I hear you say.
I hope the day went well and send my best wishes to the married couple. I know with your support they will succeed in life. I wish you all happy and well for the future.
Please forgive me for running away; I shall always look back on at least some of our time together with pleasure.
Yours
Isabelle.
Sophie expected her brother to hand her the letter when he had read it, but he did not. He jumped up, muttering to himself, turning an alarming shade of red. He was almost stomping across the room and he muttered, “Stupid, stupid girl. What was she thinking? Her actions are idiotic! What does she mean by travelling half way across the country alone? Anything could happen!”
He stormed about the room until he realised Sophie was still sitting watching him. “Leave me Sophie.” He said angrily.
“But, Tom...” Sophie started.
“I said leave me damn it! Will you for once do as you are bid?”
Sophie fled from the room. Tom had never spoken to her like that before and she could only imagine what could possibly be in the letter that would cause such an outburst. She returned to her husband shaking in fear.
Tom stormed about the room for half an hour before finally slumping into a chair. He had never experienced anger or the feeling of loss her departure had caused. He had lost something precious now that she had gone, but the anger was overwhelming and he knew who he was angry with the most. Himself.
*
Five tiring days later Isabelle arrived in Hampshire, relieved to be back with her family. James and Mary had been surprised at her return without any prior warning by letter. There had been questions raised as to why the Earl had not accompanied her home, but she explained that because of the marriage, it had been decided that it was more for James’s feelings that she had travelled some of the way separately from to the group. She did not go into too many details and in her more private moments came to the conclusion that she had learned to lie on this journey if nothing else.
James had been philosophical about the wedding; he had already seen the notice in the newspaper by the time Isabelle had returned home. Mary had explained that he had been very upset for the first few days, but as it was over a week since they had all been in Bath a little time had helped him to start recovering from his hurt. To all appearances he seemed like the James of old, instead of the shell of a person that Isabelle had expected to see. She wondered if such a speedy recovery meant that his affection had not truly been that of the long-lasting kind. She was not sure that a week would be enough for her to forget the Earl of Standish.
Isabelle and Mary decided to spend two weeks in Hampshire before returning to Bath. They both did not want to leave James straight away; he could be putting on a brave face and suffering more than he was showing, especially as he seemed to have no inclination of returning to London. Isabelle was happy to stay. There was plenty to occupy her while in Hampshire. She enjoyed the area and spent most of her time outside riding and walking. She seemed to need to be outside even more than she had before.
The house was set at the edge of extensive parkland that consisted of the formal gardens surrounding a Tudor style house. The gardens were in turn surrounded by woodland before the farms of the tenants filled in the patchwork quilt of landscape. While she was on family land she could walk or ride out alone, which she needed to do. She left Mary to entertain James after he had finished his estate duties, although he did often join her on cross country rides. They both rode hard at these times, Isabelle trying to rid herself of feelings that haunted her every waking moment and disturbed her dreams and she presumed James felt the same.
Their social circle was small while in Hampshire, most families had moved into the city for the season, but there were still enough for some entertainments to take place. James was a naturally social creature and the people within their own area had no idea about his recent romance, so there was no need to hide away from society. They had no real parties to speak of, just dinners with the local gentry. James also invited the local clergyman along. He was new to the area and James wanted him to become acquainted with the nearby families and thought this was the ideal opportunity.
Isabelle tried to help with some of the duties that James dealt with. As a member of the family she felt it was her role in lieu of a lady of the house. She visited tenants and the poor of the parish on a daily basis. She visited those who were sick and spoke with the clergyman to ask his advice on what she needed to do during her stay. She did not want to waste her time and keeping herself occupied gave her less time to think, less time to picture the dark hair and blue eyes that she would never see again.
Mr Roberts, the Clergyman welcomed Isabelle’s help and a friendship quickly formed between the pair. He was fair haired and blue eyed, taller than Isabelle and slim, which made him appear even taller. They were sitting together one evening at dinner with an uninspiring group of people. Isabelle was beginning to think it was perhaps time to move back to Bath, when Mr Roberts interrupted her thoughts.
“You seem very serious tonight Miss Crawford,” he smiled, turning to her.
“Yes, I was wondering when it would be appropriate to return to my home,” Isabelle answered quietly, so James or Mary would not hear. She had not broached the subject with either of them.
“I shall be sorry to see you leave. I feel we have made a difference in the area over this last week,” he replied smoothly.
“It’s nice of you to say so, but I feel you are more than capable of carrying out your duties without my help,” Isabelle returned, always one to wave off a compliment.
“On a selfish note, it is far more pleasant having company. Not many people want to help with such vigour; they usually just want to help enough to secure their place in heaven, no more.”
Isabelle laughed. “Is a clergyman allowed to say such things about his parishioners?”
“I may be a clergyman Miss Crawford, but I hope that does not mean I am blinded by the obvious,” he smiled back at her. “Just don’t tell anyone.”
“Oh you can be assured that your secret is safe with me. It is encouraging to meet someone as cynical as myself.”
“I am sure this habit you have of putting yourself down is done to make me feel better about myself, but you cannot. I know my shortcomings, as a second son I accepted my lot a long time ago and hope ultimately that my parishioners approve of what I do for them. I just keep a little bit of my true self for special moments.”
“I am glad to have seen some of your true self Mr Roberts. I always believe in honesty, to the disgust of both my brothers.”
“Yes, likewise my brother despairs,” Mr Roberts smiled. They chatted about family and country life until the end of the meal. Isabelle had to admit she was glad of his company, but her mind did tend to wander to a dark haired man who could make her laugh with one look. Although Mr Roberts was pleasant, he did not set
her heart racing as the Earl had done almost from the first moment they had met. As they conversed she wondered if she would ever stop comparing everyone she met with Tom, and ached inside when she acknowledged that no-one would measure up in comparison.
James announced the following morning that Frank and Grace would be arriving at the end of the next week. Isabelle was disappointed, she had hoped to be back in Bath by then, but knew it would be impolite to leave as soon as Frank arrived. She had not seen him for some time, so she would have to delay returning to her home, which she was beginning to miss. Country life was well and good, but she actually had begun to yearn for the bustle that made up Bath society. She had come to the conclusion that she needed to exorcise the ghosts in Bath that would remind her at each turn of the Earl’s visit. The sooner she got home, the quicker she could try and force herself into forgetfulness, but Frank’s visit delayed that.
Mary seemed happy enough to stay in the country when Isabelle confided to her the wish to return to Bath. “I have always preferred the country, as much as I like the things Bath offers,” Mary said as they ate breakfast. “At least one of us will enjoy the longer holiday!”
“For a companion, you can be very unsupportive sometimes,” Isabelle huffed with a smile.
Isabelle forced herself to fill her days as much as possible until Frank’s visit, something of which James teased her about. “You have turned positively saintly with all the work you have done with the tenants since your return,” he said one day as she sat in his study, telling him what needed to be planned over the coming months.
“Just trying to be useful while I am here,” Isabelle said, knowing she was anything but saintly.
“It’s a good thing I also have Mary here, or I would have no-one to entertain me. You prefer Mr Roberts’ company to mine.”
“Well who wouldn’t?” Isabelle smiled with a sly sisterly smile. “You have not much to recommend to a sister James, Mary is welcome to your company!”
Frank, Grace and their children arrived on time and finally the house resounded with noise that was very welcome to Isabelle’s ears. Bath was never quiet and the silence of the countryside had been difficult to become accustomed to on this visit once the first novelty of being free and outdoors had worn off. She imagined she would be restless wherever she was. It was not the place, but her own feelings that were the problem, but the new arrivals provided a pleasant diversion.
*
On the second day of Frank’s visit Mary came to Isabelle’s chamber as Isabelle was dressing and asked to speak to her. It was obvious that Mary was agitated, an unusual state for the normally composed woman.
“What’s wrong Mary?” Isabelle asked, dismissing her maid, curious as to what could have disturbed her calm cousin.
“I hope nothing,” Mary answered mysteriously. “Isabelle I have something to tell you and I have honestly no idea how you will react to the news.”
Isabelle felt alarm. “What’s happened?” She asked quietly. Please don’t let it be anything wrong with Tom, she thought to herself.
“Isabelle, I’m sure you will think this is strange and sudden but I hope you will give me time to explain. James has asked me to marry him and I have said yes!”
Isabelle stared at her cousin in shock before collecting herself. “Mary how can you? He was running after Sophie just a few weeks ago, please don’t marry him out of pity or because he is on some sort of rebound. Please don’t sell yourself short.” Isabelle loved her brother, but she also loved Mary and could not bear if her cousin was not happy.
Mary laughed a little. “Oh Isabelle, you are the dearest creature! I would not be marrying him out of pity and I do not think it would be a match on the rebound, although I am sure the gossips will think so,” she pulled a face.
“If I thought you loved each other I would wish you well, you know that, but Mary are you sure this is the right thing for you?” Isabelle was not convinced by her cousin’s words.
Mary held Isabelle’s hands. “Let me tell you something I have only recently admitted to James. I have always loved him Isabelle, from being very young, he was always perfect to me. I had not the charms to ensnare him and after growing up with a lot of contact between us both I don’t think he ever considered me in the light of anything but a cousin and friend. I once had a suitor who James was unreasonably against and sometimes I think he perhaps was reacting on something he felt deep down, but was not acknowledging then. The suitor moved away and nothing more developed. I have watched James over the years, acknowledging but hiding my feelings and thought that as long as he married and was happy I would be happy.”
“You are far more amenable than me! If I loved someone I could not stand by while they married someone else,” Isabelle snorted.
“We have different natures and I am a lot older than you,” Mary smiled. “When all this business happened with Sophie James relied on me. He was shocked as I said before, but it only took him a very few days and then he was his old self again. I was convinced his heart had not been truly broken, or when he made me his offer I would have refused him, I truly would. Over these last few weeks we have spent more time together and when he was faced with our returning to Bath, he said he could not bear to see me go, so last night he proposed and I said yes as long as you gave your blessing.”
Mary finished and Isabelle stayed silent for a few moments while the news sank in. She knew they were the best of friends, but she had never detected any other partiality, but then she had to admit she had not been looking for any. They did spend a lot of time together and she hardly spent any time with them, so she was basing her assumptions on very limited observations. They were very comfortable together and they did seek one another out, perhaps she had just been blind to a different type of affection to that she had experienced.
Isabelle finally roused herself from her thoughts and looked at Mary. She saw her worried expression. “Mary, I wish you all the happiness in the world. James could not ask for a better person to be his wife and you will be my sister! How could I not be happy at that? If you love each other nothing else matters and I hope you will be truly blessed.”
Mary’s eyes filled with tears, but she wiped them away. “Thank-you Isabelle, you don’t know how important it was to hear you say those words. I shall make him happy and I know without doubt that he will make me happy.”
“He’d better, or he will have me to answer to!” Isabelle smiled, struggling with damp eyes herself.
Mary looked at Isabelle before speaking. “I hope you will forgive me for saying this, but I have spent many years adoring your brother from afar and hiding it from all those around me. Isabelle, I know some of what you have gone through with the Earl of Standish. I am sorry it did not develop; I thought his feelings were strong from the way he looked at you and the change you brought out in him when he was in your company. I hope the pain does not last too long for you.”
Isabelle found herself struggling with more tears and leant over and hugged her cousin. She was also sorry for what could have been and hoped the pain would soon subside.
Chapter 13
James made the formal announcement at the evening meal. They were alone as a family so James took the opportunity to declare his feelings and announce their wedding plans. Frank and Grace had not known about Sophie, so there was less surprise on their part than there had been on Isabelle’s. Congratulations flowed and toasts were made.
“So when will you marry?” Frank asked when everything had settled back down.
“We were thinking in a month,” James said smiling at Mary. “There didn’t seem any reason to wait and it will be enough to make the necessary arrangements.”
“Are you having a large wedding?” Grace asked.
“No, although we do want to invite some friends. We shall have the service here of course and then a wedding breakfast. We shall spend a few days in London, before returning here. We are going to spend most of our time in Hampshire,” James squeezed Mary’s han
d. “I know Mary prefers the country and my wife will have what she wants.”
They all smiled, but then Frank voiced what Isabelle was just beginning to see was a problem. “What about Izzy?”
“What do you mean?” James asked.
“Well with Mary here, are you going to give up your Bath house?” Frank asked turning to Isabelle.
“I’m sure there is another cousin somewhere in our family who would be willing to join me in Bath,” she replied lightly, but she had a sinking feeling, she knew exactly what was going to be said.
“Izzy, you can move in with us,” James offered.
“Or us, we would happily have you live with us. The children adore you,” Frank said quickly.
Isabelle suppressed a groan, she may technically be a maiden aunt, but she did not have to choose the lifestyle quite yet. “Thank you for your offers, but I do have a life in Bath that I am more than happy with, but this is not about me, we are here to celebrate James and Mary’s news, not to work out who will be my future companion.”
She knew they were not satisfied with her words, but the expression on her face prevented any more discussion on that subject. Unfortunately for Isabelle she knew the subject would not go away easily. Frank in particular would press her to change her lifestyle if past experience was anything to go by.
The following day she escaped to the grounds to go for a solitary walk. She always began to feel inadequate when Frank was around, as much as she loved him. He could not understand that people could be happy if they chose not to follow in his footsteps with regards to marriage and children. Isabelle usually sought escape from him on his visits, but not usually this soon, the news about James and Mary had enabled him to start lecturing her earlier than he usually did.
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