by Skyla Madi
He laughs and starts to back the car out of the parking lot. “Have you decided where we’re moving yet?” I know he wants to change the subject so he doesn’t tear up, and I’m okay with that. I haven’t given much thought to where we would move, and honestly it doesn’t even matter where we go as long as I wake up next to Jake every morning.
“You choose.” I pull up a map of all the states on my phone. “Keep your eyes on the road and point.”
He laughs and rolls his eyes. “You want to me choose where we spend our future by simply pointing to a map? What if I choose the worst place on the planet?”
“Then it will be the worst place on the planet and we’ll share it together.”
His finger pops out into the air, and I guide him to the screen and where he touches starts to zoom in and I turn the phone so he can’t see where it lands.
“So where are we moving?”
“Kansas.”
“Kansas it is, then. You and me, Bug. Forever.”
I lean my head back on the headrest and look at the passing scenery outside the window. It’s the same things we’ve seen coming in, but now it just feels different. Life feels different. I can’t change my past, but I can make sure my future is everything I want it to be.
Jake held the pieces of my past on his skin and in his heart.
Now he holds the pieces of my future at the touch of his fingertip.
“I’ll tell you when we get there.” I smile and open the window to let the crisp air inside the car. He doesn’t complain because he knows I’m washing away everything that’s happened in the past few months so I can let it go and be who I want to be.
The accident doesn’t define me. What happened to me doesn’t define me. Jake doesn’t define me, and Michael and Sabine sure as hell don’t define me.
I define myself.
I choose who I want to be.
Who I’m truly meant to be.
I am Olivia White.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
A year later
The air hovering over the backyard full of friends and family is thick with love and laughter. The Midwest sun showers down on us and fills our bodies with warmth and the best feeling of being content that I’ve ever known.
It’s been a year since Jake and I left Seattle for a quiet, suburban life in Kansas with a picket fence, friendly neighbors, and everything cliché that comes with it. He sold off all of his businesses and invested in some business opportunities that apparently are making him money. I try and stay out of that business since I know nothing about it—and really don’t care to.
I got a job at the local YMCA because I felt the need to give back the time that I’d wasted in Silver Lake. No matter how many times Jake tells me it wasn’t my fault…it was. I owed it to myself to try and be a better version of myself, whatever that meant.
The phoenix tattoo on my back helps to remind me of what I’d lost without knowing I’d even lost it. There’s something comforting about knowing there’s a piece of you floating out there in space and time that someone can grab at any given moment just to have something comforting to hold on to.
And then there’s Jake.
He has so many pieces of me that it’s hard to keep track of.
The dreams have slowed down, but they’re not completely gone. I have some now and then; some are repeated memories I’ve already seen, and some aren’t. The headaches aren’t completely gone either, but the ease that Jake instills inside of me helps with that tremendously.
Sometimes we’ll talk about what our life was like before the accident; he’ll tell me stories and answer whatever questions I have without hesitation. When we met—this last time—I knew that Jake Redding was connected to me somehow. Little did I realize that he’s my past, my present, and my future. There’s something about his tall frame and curly copper blonde hair, muscular arms and ripped chest that holds a special place in my heart. But that’s all just visual. There’s many more things—I learn something new about him every day—that make up the compound of Jake Redding that entice me more than a set of strong arms can.
The unspoken love that Jake holds for me is the warmest feeling I’ve ever experienced. After everything all of us have been through, it’s hard not to take the first thing I can and run with it. I’ve had to block any feelings for my real father that muster themselves up inside of me just to make room for the people in my life that haven’t put me in harm’s way.
I haven’t spoken to Michael Cervase since I visited him in the prison. He’s tried to contact me while rotting away in a jail cell, but those efforts have stopped after the fifteenth time of me rejecting his phone calls and throwing away his letters.
Jake’s even flown Brant out a few times to visit, but I think it’s more of a silent obligation he feels he owes to Brant for helping me more times than one. Last time, he brought his new girlfriend out to meet us, and they stayed for a week to relish in the suburban Midwest life with us. After the week was up, she was itching to get back to the big city of Dallas and leave our little town behind her in the dust, taking Brant with her. I haven’t heard from him since then, but as long as he’s happy, I’m happy.
And then there’s Caitlyn and our parents.
Well, my sister and brother-in-law. I still call them my parents because it’s all I can remember them as, and it just feels right and fits.
They are in a corner of the backyard, drinks in hand and smiles on their faces as Jake walks up to them and engages them in a conversation. They moved to South Carolina, but for this special occasion, they flew in to celebrate with us just like the dozens of other people chattering and laughing around the plush, green backyard.
“Hey, you,” Jake whispers behind me, and it startles me. “I’d ask if you were okay, but that seems like a silly question.” His smile warms my heart as he steps around me and kisses my lips. “Are you having a good time? You haven’t really spoken to anyone.”
I let my lips spread across my face. “Just taking it all in. Life’s changed so much these past few years that it’s hard to appreciate it for what it is.”
He makes an agreeing noise and snakes his arm around my waist. “And what do you think life is all about? I’m sure you have an excellent answer.”
I know he’s mocking me, but I don’t care. The fact that he appreciates what I have to say, no matter if he agrees with me or not, is the real point to focus on. “I think everyone has a different purpose in life, and we don’t just have one; we have many. Like for instance, you and me.”
His eyebrows raise, and he waves to one of his brothers. “You and me, huh? What’s my purpose in life, do you think?”
A giggle escapes my throat as he tickles my side. “To be at my beck and call, of course.” I laugh and let him playfully groan and tug me into his arms for a bear hug. Some people in the crowd make cute noises and clap when Jake puts me down and kisses me. I knew we would be on display today, but it’s weird to have dozens of pairs of eyes watching and waiting for you to do something adorable.
“Hey, you two.” Noah, one of Jake’s brothers, walks up to us. “Jake, didn’t you want to make a speech or something?” He winks at his brother and nods toward the concrete patio where a microphone has been set up for use. “Everything’s ready, man.”
Jake takes my hand and kisses my fingers before leaving me with Noah, who puts his arm around my shoulders to keep me in place. Jake clears his throat when he reaches the microphone, and once everyone gathers around to hear what he has to say, his eyes meet mine, and for the very first time, his entire face blushes red and he’s suddenly at a loss for words. His hands shake as he reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out a folded-up piece of white paper, ready to read whatever is on it.
He clears his throat and tries to calm down. “Hey, everyone, I, uh…I just wanted to start off by thanking everyone for being here. It means a lot to Olivia and me that you care enough about us to join us today.” He nods in my direction, and it’s my turn to blush from
the pairs of eyes that are fixed on me again. Noah laughs and takes his arm from around my shoulders. Apparently, he’s confident that I won’t run from anything now.
Jake nervously laughs and looks at the paper in his hand. “Okay, so I just wanted to say a few words about the one person in my life that has always been there for me, no matter what sort of trouble I got myself into. She’s the only one that tried to bring me out of the darkness when I got so far deep that I didn’t care if I made it out alive. I was a fool to deny her, but once I let her into my heart and soul, that was and continues to remain the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. Being with Olivia has made my heart full of emotions that I never thought I was worthy to feel. I was in a bad place before Olivia found me and held on. We all know that she was born Lacey…”
A lump forms in my throat when I hear that name every single time.
“…but to me, she’s Olivia, and most of you just see that as a name, but to her, it’s much more than that. She lives and breathes kindness, and without her, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I owe her much more than just my life. I owe her my freedom. I owe her everything and anything I can possible give to her because she chose to love me not only once, but twice.”
The crowd coos, and Jake takes a glass of champagne from a passing waiter’s tray while Noah fetches one for the both of us and hands mine to me. “So let’s raise our glasses to this incredible woman that rekindles the pieces of me that I never thought could be fixed. Let’s raise our glasses to the woman that has touched each and every one of our lives in a positive and unforgettable way.”
Jake’s eyes reach mine, and tears stream down his cheeks. “Let’s all raise our glasses to Miss Olivia White and the fact that she agreed to let me make her my wife. I love you, Bug.” He brings the glass to his lips quickly so others will follow suit before they realize that he’s crying.
I dodge all of the arms flailing around me to swoop me into a hug so I can make it to Jake first. He catches me as I run to him, and our lips mesh together so soundly that nothing is going to keep us apart.
“I love you, Jake,” I breathe into his lips, and he smiles.
“Thanks for fixing me, Bug.” He laughs and swoops me up to carry me around the backyard so everyone can congratulate us on our engagement. “Thanks for sticking around to fall in love with me again.”
“Jake Redding, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I smile, and our family and friends surround us with smiles on their faces and love in their hearts.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Bonus Chapter One
Six months
Jake
The constant ticking of the clock on the wall pisses me off. The green paint on the wall underneath the clock pisses me off. The way the bed looks without her in it pisses me off, and the fact that it’s been six months since I’ve touched her skin really fucking pisses me off.
Everything pisses me off.
“I fucking miss you, Lacey. I don’t know how to be normal without you,” I whisper into the darkness. The room is cold; it has been since she left. I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about…she didn’t leave. Her hand was forced; they played to her emotions and got her to leave with them. She wasn’t in danger; I was supposed to keep her safe. I didn’t know I had to keep her safe from them too.
My heart burns.
I hate everything.
Fuck this house. I’ll burn it all down.
“Jake!” Noah’s voice echoes through the halls. “Where are you?”
I want to scream and tell him to fuck off, that I don’t want to see anyone right now. This is all my fault; what kind of fucking monster nearly kills the woman he’s in love with?
Me. Jake Redding, that’s who.
Noah turns on the bedroom light and stands in the doorway, surprised. “What the hell are you doing in here, sitting in the dark?”
“Did you find her?”
He shakes his head.
“Then fuck off.”
“Jake, this isn’t the end, okay? Whatever Michael did with her, he buried it deep. There’s people out there he still trusts, and he used them. It’s gonna take some time, brother.”
My fist slams on the bedside table. “I don’t have any more fucking time! It’s been six months, Noah. Six. Fucking. Months! You know how I get without her! I need her, Noah! So go out there and fucking find her!”
“I have another lead. I was coming to tell you. I’m going to Miami.”
“It better be to find my fucking lifeforce and not take a fucking vacation.”
Noah shakes my shoulders. “Would you calm the fuck down? I get it, Jake, you love her. I love her too. We all love her. Lacey is special, man. Everyone knows that. What I can’t do is magically make her appear, okay? I’m doing the best I can.”
“Find her, Noah.”
He sighs and releases me, leaving me alone in the bedroom. The problem with living in this house without her is she’s everywhere. Her perfume lingers in the bedroom on the bedsheets where I can’t even sit without thinking about her naked body beneath mine. Her sneakers are still where she’s kicked them off underneath her vanity; I can’t bring myself to move them.
Her purple toothbrush. The bottles of Merlot in the wine cellar. Her sun room. The dying maple tree in the backyard.
Lacey is my heart.
I can’t survive without a heart.
Every room I walk through has something to remind me of her, and I can’t take it anymore. From the moment I laid eyes on this girl, I knew she was the end of the world for me. The love in her eyes when she handed me the note that changed my life forever on my seventeenth birthday was so real and pure, I didn’t stand a chance.
I still don’t stand a chance.
She makes me better; I don’t have to be the beast when I have her.
But I don’t have her.
When I find her, she won’t want me anyway. She’ll know that I cut the brakes on the fucking car and tried to kill him. There’s no denying what I’ve done, and she’s going to fear me again. I haven’t seen fear in her eyes since the day I told her I never wanted to talk to her again.
***
“Jake, this isn’t you. You’re better than this. Come home with me.”
Lacey tugs at my arm, and for a split second, I do want to run away with her. I’ve always wanted to run away with her; there’s no question about that. She’s been everything to me from day one. That hasn’t changed.
I’ve changed.
I’m a monster now.
“Lacey, go home. I don’t want you here.”
She gets knocked back a few steps and looks stunned. The group of friends I’ve been running around with aren’t exactly decent people. Lately, we’ve taken to lurking in the woods smoking pot for the time being until we can stir up new trouble around town.
“What’s this we’ve got here?” Larken Brown, the self-appointed leader of our group and total fucking scumbag, stops to stroke Lacey’s hair. “Who does this one belong to?”
Lacey grits her teeth. “I belong to no one.”
“Me,” I speak up. “She’s mine.”
Larken’s eyebrows rise. “Better get this one in line, Jakey Boy.”
Once he moves on, I grab her wrist as tight as I can. “Lacey, go the fuck home. You stay here and I can’t protect you for long. This isn’t the place for you.”
“Or you, Jake. Please, I love you. Come home with me.”
I can’t look into her sad gray eyes. “I love you too. Go. Home.”
Larken makes his way back around and hears what I say to her. He claps his hands together and starts laughing loudly, making a big scene. “Look at all these pretty ladies out here tonight! Who wants to drink my special punch?”
The fear in her eyes when he stops in front of her kills me.
This is gonna fucking cost me big time.
I reach over and grab Lacey by her waist and throw her over my shoulder as hard as I can. She whimpers fr
om the blow, but I don’t care. I have to make it look believable so nothing bad will happen to her. Larken watches me stomp away with her and throw her into the backseat of my car.
“Lacey, kiss me.” I lean over her and try not to cry. “You have to kiss me.”
“What is happening here?” she cries into her hands. “You’re just a kid, Jake. What are you doing here with these guys?”
“Larken gets fucked up when he’s drunk. He won’t touch you if I am. He doesn’t like someone’s sloppy seconds.”
Her eyes darken. “That’s disgusting.”
“His words, not mine. If he thinks you’re with me, he won’t hurt you. I told you not to come after me, Lacey. I don’t want anyone to follow me. I just want to be alone.”
“Why? What’s so bad that you want to be alone?”
“I’m just so fucking angry all the time I can’t trust myself to be around you without hurting you. I’ve done things you would be scared of me for.”
She leans up and kisses my lips, and my skull nearly explodes. I’ve thought about kissing her before, but this is…different than I thought it would be.
“Take me home, Jake,” she says. “Take me home, and when you’re ready, I’ll be there for you.”
I want to kiss her again, but I can’t.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
***
Noah comes back into the house; his boots stomp against the hardwood floors. He waits for me in the kitchen, giving me the space I need to cool down and have a rational conversation about things.
“Michael had some accounts in Miami that were closed down not long before his arrest. I think that maybe he hid her there with the money,” he says and hands me a hot cup of coffee. “Remind me again why we’re looking for a girl who doesn’t remember any of us?”
The hot liquid burns my throat, and I need it to feel alive.
“We owe it to her to find her and bring her home.”
