“I’m saying you should talk with her. Get to know her and help her wrestle through the stages of grief she’ll go through. You understand those better than most. And be a friend to her.”
Lloyd heard everything the pastor said, but all he could think of was how his plans had failed massively. Was he supposed to take care of this woman? Had she now become his responsibility?
“Lloyd,” Peter said, resting a hand on his arm. “She can stay with us and you two can have the conversations you need to. Don’t over think it.”
Lloyd knew that was exactly what he was doing, but could he help it? He had a daughter to think of and work to do and…He released a huge sigh. “I’ll try.”
“Good, now let’s get back in there. Don’t want to leave that poor girl with Anne too long. She’ll talk her ear off.”
Lloyd cracked a smile and they went back inside to find the two women talking, Josie asleep in Millie’s arms. The sigh was painfully familiar to him, but he pushed past the memories. It wasn't the time to be thinking about his past or future struggles. He just needed to be here, in this moment.
“There you two are,” Anne said, pulling a loaf of bread from the oven. “Not that I mind the company though. Peter, you didn’t formally meet Millie did you?”
Lloyd watched as Peter came up to Mille, resting a gentle and calming hand on her shoulder. “It’s good to meet you dear. I'm glad you’ll be staying with us for a time.”
Millie’s eyes flitted between the pastors to Lloyds then back. “Y-yes, me too.”
Lloyd cringed. He should have been the one to tell her, but here he was worried about what he would do when she had just lost her sister in a violent attack. Peter was right, he’d only been thinking of himself and not how she would be feeling.
He thought back to when he’d lost Nell. Everyone wanted to talk to him—to tell him how sorry they were and to make sure he knew without a doubt that they were there for him to talk about it all. He hadn’t wanted any of that though. He’d just wanted silence. A time to rest and to not have to answer the difficult questions about how he was doing or what he was feeling.
He stepped toward her. “Would you like to rest?”
Her eyes sought his. He softened his gaze with a half-smile. “I assume you may want to rest and…have some time. Alone.”
Realization dawned and she nodded, grateful. “That would be nice.”
He accepted the bundle of his daughter and Anne stepped over. “I’ll show you to your room, dear.”
Before she left Lloyd reached out his free hand. “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon and we can talk.”
She nodded and left with Anne.
“Perceptive,” Peter said from his chair by the window.
“I just remember needing time.”
“Exactly.”
Lloyd shot Peter a look and caught the hint of a smile on the man’s face. The man was wise if not slightly infuriating at times.
***
Millie fell into a restless sleep the moment her head hit the pillow. She slept and woke, slept and woke. Every time she opened her eyes it took her a moment to adjust to her new surroundings. Her thoughts would fly to Morgan then the tears would begin. It was a cycle she thought she’d never truly break until sometime in the early morning she slipped into deeper sleep.
When she woke with sunlight streaming through the window she blinked groggily, wondering if she’d overslept. Then again, what did she have to get up for? Her entire life had changed in the span of a few weeks.
What would she do?
She thought of Morgan and then felt the hurt inside of her well up again just as someone knocked on her door.
“Are you awake dear?”
“Yes,” she called out, sitting up in the bed.
Anne pushed the door open with one hand and brought in a tray with the other. I thought you may like to stay in bed a little longer so I brought you some breakfast.
“You are too kind,” Millie said.
“Nonsense dear, you’re our guest.”
Anne turned to leave but something made Mille call out. “Anne…”
“Yes?” She turned around, expectantly.
“Have you…have you lost anyone?”
“Oh dear,” Anne said, coming to sit on the bed beside Millie. “I’ve lost my fair share of loved ones. My sister was the hardest though.”
Millie felt like a hot poker had been stabbed into her heart, the pain overwhelming. “I—I don’t know what to do? How to…to handle the pain.”
Anne wrapped her arm around Millie. “The first thing is to do is to trust that God’s plan is best. I know that may seem like the hardest but it is best. Then second thing to do is to allow the hurt to just be…”
Millie looked up at the woman. “What do you mean?”
“We try and move past it because we don’t like pain so we don’t think about the loss. I don't think that’s the way to go about dealing with loss. We must face it—no matter how painful that is.”
Millie thought the idea of facing Morgan’s loss sounded terrible, but she trusteed that Anne knew what she was talking about.
“It’s not easy, dear. Take your time with it, but don’t ignore it. That’s the surest way to turn into a bitter, hard person.”
“Thank you,” Millie said. She didn’t necessarily feel better, but she did appreciate the woman’s words of wisdom.
“Now eat and rest, I believe Lloyd will be here in a few hours.”
Millie watched the woman go and thought about her words. She needed to feel things in order to deal with them. It made sense, though she didn’t look forward to that process.
Then she thought of Lloyd. He would come to talk with her but then what would happen? Would he send her back East? Did he even have the money for another train ticket back? She didn’t want to go back—had nothing to go back to.
But she couldn't stay here without some form of a plan. Could she stay with Peter and Anne? She hated to count on their kindness and hospitality without having some way to pay them back. Could she get a job? She had done work as a seamstress; though she didn’t enjoy it she would gladly do what she could if it meant earning enough to sustain herself.
Part of her, a very small part that she barely gave notice to, wished that Lloyd would ask her to marry him. It seemed like too much to hope for though. She had seemed mostly cold toward her last night, as if knowing she wasn't his indented created a chasm between them. But did it?
She knew things about him from their letters, things she couldn’t share without giving away the fact that she and her sister had planned—and succeeded—in tricking him. Millie felt awful about that now, but what was done was done.
She turned her attention toward the tray of food Anne had brought in and began to nibble on things. Soon Lloyd would be there and she would need to face him, even if she wasn’t sure what she would say to him.
Chapter 4
Lloyd left Josie with Anne and walked with Millie out toward the path that led down to the river that ran not too far behind the church. It was a beautiful day and the sun beat down on them making Millie’s red hair shine like flames. It was thick and strands of gold ran through it. When the caught the light his gaze was drawn to them.
They walked in silence that Lloyd didn’t know how to break. He had a million things running around in his mind, most of them attempts at planning out his—and inadvertently her—future. But all of his thoughts were focused on himself and what would be best for he and Josie. That wasn’t fair to Millie.
“How are you doing?” he asked, feeling like it was the required question.
“Fine, thank you.” Her response was equally required and he immediately hated the fact he’d given in to such a simple question. Of course she wasn’t fine. Sometimes he felt he was the most unfeeling person…
“I’m sorry for…all of this,” he began. “I can imagine how difficult this all must be for you and you probably just with you were back home with family and—”
“No,” she said abruptly.
“No?”
“I’m glad I’m far from them.” There was an edge to her words that drew his attention.
“You…you are?”
“I didn't—I mean my sister didn’t tell you, but we didn’t come from a good home.”
“Oh,” he said with realization. He narrowed his gaze at her, seeing her in a new light.
“Suffice it to say, it is good that we both…well that,” her words halted and she looked away, composing herself. “It’s better. Here, that is.”
It was hard to believe that being thousands of miles away from home after the loss of a family member could be better anywhere, but that only showed how terrible their home life must have been.
“Why didn’t she tell me?” He hadn’t meant to ask the question out loud, but it was too late.
“I—she probably didn’t want to burden you.”
As if confiding in him would be a burden. “I see.”
“Please,” she said, stopping abruptly, “Don’t think badly of her. Our home life was not easy and we wanted—no, needed—to get away from there more than you know. She was probably afraid you would think that reflected on her.” Millie’s voice dropped and she looked down at her hands where she twisted a blade of grass back and forth.
“I wouldn’t have thought badly of her—or you. We can’t help what type of family we are born into. Besides, I could tell from her letters what type of person she was.” He felt his fondness for the woman growing.
They walked on in silence for a few more minutes before they reached the river. He indicated a log and they both sat, staring off into the bubbling water.
“I’m not sure what to do,” he blurted.
She turned to look at him. “Do?”
He almost said ‘with you’ but held back.
In the midst of searching for the right words she said, “I won’t go back. Maybe I can find work in town and stay with Peter and Anne…or something…but I—I can’t go back.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to.”
Then her eyes lit up in a rare moment of animation. “What about Josie? Could I watch her for you?”
He hadn’t even considered this option, though when she said it he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t. It wasn’t as good of an option as a wife, but it did settle some of his issues while allowing them time to get to know one another.
He halted those thoughts. He wouldn't get too far ahead of himself. He didn’t know much about the woman next to her, only that she had been the sister of the woman he’d grown to appreciate—if not care for—through her letters.
“Would you really do that?”
“Yes,” she said, dropping her gaze. “She’s a sweet child. And it would allow us time to…um, time for you to work on the ranch.”
He was startled. “How did you know—oh, did Morgan share what I did with you?”
She blushed and looked toward the river. “Um, uh, yes. She did.”
“Then it’s settled,” he said, sounding more certain than he actually was. It was only a temporary fix and they would have to rest on Peter and Anne’s hospitality, but it would work. For now.
***
They walked back toward the house to ask Anne and Peter about the possibility of Millie staying with them, but her thoughts were too skewed to be focused on any worry if they weren’t all right with her staying.
She’d messed up again and said something she shouldn’t know about Lloyd. She would have to hope that he understood that sisters shared things, but if she kept slipping up like this he would find out—
Her stomach clenched in knots. He should know already. But the thought of telling him made her hands sweat and her knees weak. She was just getting to know him, the man she’d grown to care for through their letters, and she couldn’t bear to tell him that she and her sister had planned to trick him. It was so cruel when it was said that way—but how else could she say it? It was the truth, even if she was ashamed of it.
Wouldn’t it be better to have everything out in the open though? They were close to the parish house but still a little ways off when she stopped him.
“Lloyd,” she said, unsure of how to form the words. “I—” She dropped her gaze. It would be easier to tell him the truth if she wasn’t looking at him.
“Millie, I know this may be hard for you to accept, but I wanted to say that I do understand how you feel right now. Maybe not exactly, but after losing Nell…” he paused and she looked up to see him staring off into the distance. “I’m sorry, that was my wife.”
She wanted to say she knew but that again would prove that she knew things she didn’t. She had to tell him.
“I—”
“No, wait,” he said, looking back down at her. “I’m sorry we’re even in this position. I know it’s not easy losing someone and to be so far from anything that’s familiar has to be difficult. I want you to know that I understand you needing to take your time to heal. I’m here if you need to…to talk about anything.”
Tears welled in her eyes and she nodded, unable to speak. He was so kind, even kinder than she’d have guessed from his letters. It made her deception all the worse. He deserved the truth but she didn’t want the separation it would cause them.
As she opened her mouth to tell him, to set the guilt free, a voice carried out through the warm air.
“Are you coming back to the house? I’ve got fresh muffins!” Anne called out.
Millie closed her mouth, the moment shattered.
“Were you going to say something?” Lloyd asked.
He gave her the perfect opportunity but the words remained lodged in her throat. Instead she shook her head no and they set off for the house. She would tell him, just not today—not yet.
Chapter 5
Lloyd felt the wind in his face, the scent of sweet grass assaulting his senses. It was a beautify day and, for the first time in a long time, he felt peace. It had been three weeks since Millie had arrived in town and their arrangement with her watching Josie had worked out better than he’d hoped. He’d even gotten to spend some time with her when he’d come to pick up his daughter.
Their conversations had ranged from the depth of hurt they both felt over their losses but also lighthearted topics. In fact, he was continually amazed at how much like Morgan she was—almost as if she had been the one writing letters to him. Her humor was the same and she liked the same things. Then again, weren’t sisters alike a lot of the time?
He turned his attention on the cattle in the field in front of him. They would need to be herded to the far grazing lands soon, but that meant he’d be gone for a week. He felt he could trust Millie completely, but he didn’t want to impinge on her freedom. Was he taking advantage of her?
He felt the guilt like a sharp piercing sensation to his stomach. If she felt that he only thought of her as someone to watch Josie then—
He paused. Wasn’t that exactly what she was? At least, that's the way he was treating her. That thought made him sick.
He didn’t want that to be the case and that realization was more frightening than he’d imagined. He had feelings for her. Even after her sister had died and his wife’s loss was still fresh despite the fact it had almost been a year, he was forming feelings for the sweet woman who watched so lovingly over his daughter.
The sound of pounding hoof beats drew his attention away from the cows and back toward the ranch house. A rider was galloping up toward him. Was something wrong?
Dust went flying as the man skidded to a stop; his breathing coming in fast exhales.
“What’s wrong?” Lloyd asked, knowing that this type of rush wasn’t normal.
“Your daughter,” the man panted, “She’s real sick.”
His pulse hammered in response. “What? Where?”
“Parish house—or so they told me. Said I had to come get you fast.”
Lloyds mind ran in a thousand different directions. Josie was sick. Millie was with her but he nee
ded to be there. The cattle….they would have to wait.
“Thanks. Tell the boss I’m going—don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“He already knows,” the ranch hand said, “Told me to tell you to take all the time you need.”
“Thanks,” Lloyd said distractedly.
“Go!” the hand said, startling Lloyd out of his thoughts.
Without another word he kicked his horse and galloped in the direction of the town. The horse’s hooves pounded the ground and his mind fell blank of everything but the task of getting to the parish house.
Finally, the small house came into view. Lloyd hardly waited for his horse to stop before he jumped off, running the rest of the way to the front door that opened almost magically. “She’s in Millie’s room,” Anne said, the lines on her face showing her concern. It made his heart clench in fear. Anne wasn’t one to be afraid.
The minute he opened the door Millie looked up and burst into tears. Josie laid on her bed, her chubby cheeks red with fever. And, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, Millie came toward him and fell into his arms.
Holding her there, he closed his eyes. They could face this—if they faced it together.
Lord, he prayed, heal my daughter!
***
Millie awoke with a start, the dim light provided by a lantern sitting on the dresser provided the only illumination to the room. She looked next to her where Josie finally slept peacefully. They doctor had come and gone a few times during the day and on into the night and finally, only a few hours ago now, the child’s fever had broken.
The girl’s condition had taken more than just a physical toll on Millie. Spending the day with Lloyd—an emotionally charged day—had cemented the fact that she was indeed falling in love with him. That fact had reminded her of what still lay between them. The truth needed to come out.
Slowly rolling off the bed so as not to disturb the small child, she walked to the kitchen just as the sun peeked over the mountains on the horizon. She picked up the water pitcher to pour herself a drink when movement startled her. It was Lloyd in a chair by the embers of the fire.
[2016] A Bride's Journey Page 43
