She pushed down my jeans, my hard cock in her hand, and I leaned into her. She stumbled backward and her ass hit the table. I groaned as she pumped her fist, up and down, forgetting myself in the moment. Her thumb played at the tip, and I grabbed her wrist, stilling the motion, and swore between clenched teeth, “Fuck.” I released her wrist and tried to spin her at the waist, but she fought me.
“No way.” She smiled, and the heat in her cheeks amplified the amber flecks in her eyes. “I’m making the rules, remember?”
I lifted my hands as I admired her full lips. “Forgive me.” The statement laden with sarcasm. “But, I thought you said you wanted me to fuck you on this table.”
“I do…” She lowered her body, looking up at me from under her lashes, her smile wicked and beautiful. Kelly’s strong legs held her steady as she took my entire length into her mouth.
I swore again as she held my hip with one of her hands, pulling me in deeper. My fingers twisted in her hair as she relinquished the control back over to me.
“I’m not saying no.”
My breath hitched.
“I’m only saying not yet.”
Deeper.
Not Yet.
The words echoed in my head.
Not Yet.
My eyes slammed shut and every last bit of anger faded into the two words, into hope, into the feeling as I let her devour me.
Once Upon a Present
The late April sun beat down on my back soaking my black suit jacket. My palms had begun to sweat about fifteen minutes ago as we awaited everyone’s arrival. Kelly’s fingers stayed locked through mine regardless. Beads of perspiration gathered along my collar as I kept my head down while Father Becker offered another prayer. The mass held today was for my mother, and Kieran had arranged everything. There were so many people there. I figured after the mass everyone would’ve gone their separate ways, but there were at least twenty-five people at the grave site. So much for family only.
I wanted to open my eyes and look at everyone. All these people who loved my mother, who claimed to know her. At first, I’d wondered where they had all been when we were younger. Why hadn’t they helped more, but the mere fact my mother had never lost the house and we always had plenty of food on the table, after talking to a few people, seeing all the support for her, I decided that maybe I wasn’t the only one who’d kept our family afloat all these years.
Kelly leaned into me and placed a kiss on my cheek after everyone said amen. I raised my head and brought my eyes to hers. She looked so beautiful under the full light of the sun, and there was no fucking doubt that I would’ve never made it through this week without her by my side. Love and hate—you’d never be able to understand what each word meant without the other. There wasn’t a fine line, they were one and the same, born from the other, and if I hadn’t hated her, if she hadn’t left, I don’t think we’d be standing next to each other today.
“You okay?” she whispered and I nodded.
I was okay. I was handling shit. Kieran had taken over the reins. He’d set up everything and I was able to let go, watch from the outside, to grieve without worrying if I could hold the weight of everyone. Be the damn pillar. The crowd started to move and, as they passed by my mother’s coffin, they lifted a white tulip from one of the four buckets of flowers on the ground placing them against the dark cherry wood lid. My father hadn’t done shit for us in life, but the insurance policy he’d signed up for at the refinery had protected us. We’d spent so little on Pop’s funeral that we had plenty for Mom. And Kieran hadn’t held back.
After each person placed their flower, they walked down the row of my family with Kieran at the helm. They shook our hands, shed tears, and offered condolences. I watched Kieran stand tall, and Declan disappear inside himself as he went through the motions. Paige kept a small, sad smile and told the well-wishers thank you. Kelly draped her hand around my back, holding me steady. She was the roots and bones of my soul, keeping me still and grounded as each person took my hand. I didn’t recognize one person, but when their eyes met mine it was like they’d known me my whole life. Maybe it was a bit of my mother’s brightness shining back at me. Her legacy revealed, living in her story with each friend, members of her church, and family long forgotten.
It was when the people had finally started to disperse that I allowed tears to well in my eyes, and the white petals that spread over the casket began to shimmer like a halo. Father Becker was the last to leave and, even though we all knew half the people who were here were headed to the house for the luncheon Paige and Kelly had prepared, we still remained. Kelly was the first to break ranks. She walked to where the buckets of tulips sat and leaned down pulling out two. She was wearing a black dress with small polka dots on it and the white of the petals seemed less stark against the fabric. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and any reserve I had left drained. She hadn’t really broken down yet, but as I watched her unsteady hands as she lay the flowers onto the coffin, my throat tapered shut. The light sound of sniffles filled the air and, when I turned to look at my brothers and Paige, I was greeted with red eyes and wet cheeks.
“My fav…” Kelly stuttered. “F-favorite thing about your mother was her pride for her sons. Her family. She never doubted any of you… or me, for that matter. She was always unwavering in her love for each of you… for us.” Kelly’s lips trembled as she spoke, and my fucking chest screamed against the pressure in my lungs.
I wiped my thumbs under my eyes and took my place next to her. I lifted two tulips from the bucket and lay them down next to Kelly’s. Kelly laced our fingers, and, as I looked up at my brothers, I was struck by their strength. Black suits and green ties—men. My mother had done what she’d set out to do; she’d given us life and raised us into men… real fucking men. Declan with his arm around Paige, they both fit tight next to one another, his fingers on her hip, her hands holding her belly… her babies. Kieran was on his own, but he wasn’t alone. He had us, and no matter what, he always fucking would. It was a certainty our mother bred into us. Family always came first.
“My favorite thing about Mom…” My breathing had become shallow, the lump in my throat was lodged and unmoving as I said, “Is you… both of you.” My eyes locked on Dex, and then shifted to Kieran. “My brothers… I’m a hard ass, and I don’t…I don’t always have the words… but I think if I’d grown up without you… I’d have never grown into the man I am today. She gave me two gifts when she gave me each of you. If I learned anything at all from her it was to love hard and to only ever give it to those worthy of it. I never had much to give… but you guys… you guys are my purpose… my worth.”
Kieran’s eyes spilled over as he moved toward me, Declan not far behind. Kelly let go of my hand when Kieran pulled me into a hug. He held onto me so tight, like he was afraid if he let go he’d drift away. “You’re not lost,” I said quietly, and a sob broke past his lips. Kelly had been right… he was just starting.
He stepped back and his stature seemed less frail… less fragile somehow. He didn’t say anything, and he didn’t have to. I pulled Dex into a side hug. Paige’s hand still in his, her smile soft. He hadn’t lingered like Kieran and kept it brief, his light eyes now a little less heavy.
Kieran took a flower, and, as he spoke, we all gave him our attention. “My favorite thing about Mom…” His lips pulled into a lopsided grin, his cheeks drying as he lay the flower down. “Was that I was her favorite.” Everyone laughed, and I pulled Kelly into my side as my arm circled her waist. “Well, at least she made me feel that way, and I’m sure we all did. She gave us time… and even when Pop...” He lowered his chin. “Even when everything felt as if it would fall apart, she gave us time. And I’ll never forget all the little things she did to make me feel important… relevant.”
“You were always relevant.” Declan spoke and his voice saturated the air. It felt like I hadn’t heard it in days. He looked at Kieran his jaw working and he said, “My favorite thing about Mom was that
she taught us all humility. She’d always told me it was okay that I was different…” His eyes flicked to mine. “That it was okay to be hard…” When he looked at Kieran his eyes filled with tears. “That it was okay to be soft. But most of all, she taught us even though we each were special, we were lucky to have one another.” He swallowed and Paige rubbed his back with her hand encouraging him. “If it wasn’t for you and Liam I would have died at the age of thirteen. But Mom, even back then, had taught us acceptance, and you both embraced me instead of leaving me to rot in my dark gray corner.”
He reached down into the bucket, placed his tulip with all the others and handed one to Paige.
“My favorite thing about your Mom… was that she was my mom, too. She’d taken me in and made me hers when my mom had turned cold. She gave me colors in my black and white world… she gave me Declan and taught me how to hope… how to…” She placed her flower down and shook her head, unable to finish as she suppressed her tears. Declan brought her back to his chest and folded his hands over her stomach as he lowered his head and whispered something into her ear. She pressed her lips together and finally let the tears go.
Everyone went quiet as we paid our last respects. It was natural how our heads dipped and how Kieran offered a prayer. The smell of rain thinned the air as I inhaled a long as hell breath and closed my eyes. The heat of the sun evaporated, and even with my eyes closed, I could see the dark set in. It was a blink in time, the spring sun was gone, and the cool air swirled around us as fat drops fell from the sky and cleansed our broken hearts.
No one ever mentioned that the worst part wasn’t the funeral. It was when everyone left that the real desolation set in. The house felt emptier tonight then it had the morning after my mother died. Dex and Paige had already gone to bed, Kelly had fallen asleep on the couch, and Kieran was finishing up the dishes in the kitchen when I walked in.
“Looks like you have everything done already,” I said, and Kieran placed the last dish into the drying rack.
He chuckled. “Thanks for the help.”
I loosened the knot in my tie, my dress shirt sleeves already rolled up, and leaned against the counter. “You know I hate doing the damn dishes.” I smirked and he shook his head. “So I was thinking—”
“Uh-oh, that’s never a good thing.”
“Shut the fuck up,” I said with a smile, and he threw the dish rag he’d been holding onto the counter with a smirk of his own. “I think you should move into my apartment.”
His shoulders straightened. “And what… sell this place?”
“Yeah.”
His eyes cast down to the floor, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t know…” He lifted his chin and his blue eyes were wide, panicked, and, for a second, I doubted my plan. “What about you and Kelly, don’t you guys need your own space to get your shit back on track?”
I exhaled and shoved my hands into my pockets. “I’m moving in with her. My place… it’s yours.”
“What?”
“Her place is bigger, and my apartment… it’s a bachelor pad.” I gave him a grin and his mouth parted into smile.
“You’d do that? I mean, isn’t… won’t it be weird, Avenues is yours and—”
“Avenues is ours, little brother, always has been, always will be.” I pushed off the counter and brought my right hand to his bicep. “This place… this house… it has too many fucking ghosts, and I worry, Kieran. I worry you won’t move on if you stay here… you said you were lost, but I think you’re afraid, and you’re treading water in this place.”
He wet his lips and his brows pulled together. “I know you’re right… but… it’s Mom.”
“No…” I squeezed his arm. “Nothing here holds her… we do. Where we go, she goes… get it?”
He nodded and his Adam’s apple bobbed. “Got it.”
“Hey…” Kelly’s sleepy voice turned our heads. “I’m sorry to interrupt.”
“What’s up?” I asked and lowered my hand.
“It’s getting late... we should head home soon.” She gave Kieran a repentant smile.
“Alright.”
“I’m sorry. I wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow,” she said.
“Don’t worry about it. I was going to shower and crash anyway,” Kieran’s eyes pierced mine and his posture lifted. “Since the shop is still going to be closed for a couple days, you think you could help me pack up this place and move some things to the apartment?”
I nodded, my lips fighting a smile as I said, “Only if you help me move my shit to Kelly’s.”
He huffed out a laugh. “I don’t know why you don’t buy a vehicle that can actually hold more than just two people and an engine.”
I ignored his smart-ass remark and took Kelly’s hand in mine as I asked, “Should I call a Realtor?”
He didn’t answer right away—instead, his eyes drifted around the kitchen and beyond into the dining area, his eyes full of memories. “I think so.”
I let go of Kelly’s hand and clapped Kieran on the shoulder before pulling him into a hug. “It’s the right thing,” I said so only he could hear.
“I know.” He pulled away. “See you in the morning?”
“I’ll head over after Kelly goes to work.”
Kieran moved toward Kelly and wrapped her up into a quick embrace. “I’m glad you’re back…” Kieran turned to me. “He’s been such an asshole.”
“I’ve always been an asshole.” I chuckled and they both laughed. “Tell Dex and Paige I’ll see them tomorrow.”
“Will do.”
We’d said our goodbyes and hit the highway in my mother’s car. The ride to Kelly’s wasn’t too far and, as my eyes ate up the illuminated pavement, a warm calm permeated the air inside the car. Kelly broke the silence as she turned on the radio, and a song I actually recognized, Lullaby for a Soldier, played from the speakers. I’d heard it a while ago on some TV show I used to watch. It hadn’t really resonated with me then, but today it fucking fit. I kept my left hand on the wheel and reached over placing my right on Kelly’s thigh. She leaned back, her head against the seat and turned to look at me. I wanted to keep my eyes on hers. I wanted to tell her so many things, but the music closed off my throat and my eyes began to overflow as the lyrics said everything I couldn’t.
“Hey…” Kelly placed the back of her hand to my cheek, and I brought my eyes to the road as tears gathered along her knuckles. “It’s okay to let go, Liam. It’s okay to cry.”
I’d cried more this week than I’d done in my whole fucking life. I felt weak and out of control. But each day had become easier than the day before, and I couldn’t take credit for that…
I let my eyes find hers for a moment. “I’m not sad… not anymore.”
She smiled slowly and asked, “Then why are you crying?”
“Because I feel…I feel so fucking blessed.” She ran her fingertips down my neck and then brought her hands to her lap. “My brothers aren’t the only ones who give me purpose.”
“I know, baby.” She hardly ever called me that, she reserved it, only doling it out every now and then, and I’d never tell her how much it filled my goddamn chest with heat.
I had to look ahead, and I told myself it was so I could keep my eyes on the road. Familiar words were brewing inside me again, but when I’d told her I’d wanted to marry her before, it had been the beginning of the end for us. I gripped her thigh and let it settle there, pacing myself. Today had been another step, and the last thing I wanted to do was push her again.
“I love you,” she whispered and the tension in my neck ceased. “You don’t see it, but that big heart of yours shined today. Blessed…” she mused. “In this whole world, we were just two people looking up at the same moon, and when we were apart, and the days turned into night… into a prison… I remembered that…that we’d been strangers once, and I might not have let myself believe it then, but I think we’ve always been lucky, because how did two souls, under such a vast sky, fi
nally find their way home?”
“How?”
“The stars… for us… they’ll always align.”
I couldn’t help the smile that curled the corner of my lips. “That’s some cheesy as fuck shit right there.”
She shoved my shoulder with a groan that turned into a laugh. “I’m serious, you asshole.”
Laughter rumbled in my chest as I squeezed her leg. “I know… and that’s why I love you. You’ve always believed in magic.”
Once Upon a Present
“It’s going to be a sad day when you leave this place,” Melissa said with a grin.
I laughed and shook my head as I pulled my bag over my shoulder. “I’m not leaving, Mel, not yet.”
She continued to fold each of the thick white towels spread out in front of her on the laundry table. The scent of Borax and bleach heavy in the air. “I’m just saying, once you get your new place settled, don’t forget where you came from.”
Mel’s Hispanic accent always shined through when she was giving me attitude. I smirked as I tugged the towel from her hand, her smart-ass smile now flat and ready to murder, as I said, “You could volunteer there, too. I know this is crazy…but we could hang out… you know… outside… in the real world. I haven’t had a girl’s night in… shit, I can’t remember.”
Mel shifted her eyes to the towel and began to refold it as her humor faded. “Yeah, maybe.”
I’d been working with Melissa for a little over a month, and after Liam’s mother’s funeral, she was the only one, besides Liam, who I had to really talk to. She volunteered at the shelter at least twice a week, and we’d become good friends, well, I thought we had. “Why not? You work too much.”
Mel’s eyes, coffee with no cream, blinked once and then again before her smile curled into two dimples on both of her tanned cheeks. “I work way too fucking much. Just text me, I’ll be around.” She finished folding her last towel. “Are you excited to show him?”
Kingdom (Avenues Ink Series Book 2) Page 23
