“I thought you said your mother died when you were young?”
Calder clasps my hips and his fingers flex tight as he glances up at me. “She did. Let me finish, then ask, okay?”
I bite my lip and nod.
He flattens his palm on my belly and holds it there, his gaze locked on his hand. “The lawyer was instructed to only send the letter once my father passed away, but he had to wait until I returned from deployment to send it to me. In the letter, my mom informed me that Jack Blake isn’t my true father. She said the only reason she told me at all was so that I would know who my biological father was in case I ever needed it for medical reasons.”
Oh, God, that’s why Calder distanced himself from his family. He feels like he doesn’t belong, that he’s not a true Blake. My eyes fill will tears when his hand shakes as he moves it to my thigh. I can’t stay quiet. “I’m sorry, Calder. I had no idea—”
He grips my thigh hard and shakes his head, cutting me off. Blowing out a breath, he continues as he rubs away the bits of water still left on my skin. “She said that if Jack had learned the truth it would’ve destroyed him so she kept the ‘incident’ to herself.” He snorts his anger. “Incident? Can you believe that shit? Apparently the guilt of her affair was too much. At least I learned the real reason she took her life back then.” He pauses his exploration of my skin and encircles my ankle with his fingers. “So not only did I lose my father before I deployed four years ago, but when I got back, I lost everything else. Every single memory we had together as a family, every father and son moment. I lost myself and who I thought I was.”
How could his mother not think how this news would impact him? Tears slide down my temples. I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been for him. Is that why he started doing MMA? As some kind of punishment? I want to ask him so much. Who is his real father? I’m sure he feels so much anger and resentment that I doubt he’ll ever contact him, but is he curious at all about the man? Instead of voicing my thoughts, I slide my hand down his arm and set my foot on his thigh, curling my toes into the muscle to let him know I’m here. I’m listening.
Calder presses a kiss to the inside of my bent knee, then rests his lips there for a second. When he finally glances my way, he shakes his head. “Don’t shed tears for me, angel. I’ve moved on. You wanted to know why I got this tattoo and what it means to me…and now you do.”
I briefly slide my gaze to the triskele design incorporated into the Celtic tribal tattoo on his shoulder. He said he got it to represent the Irish roots of the Blake family. So he must’ve had the Solus done after he found out the truth about his heritage. He sees himself as truly alone in the world. My heart feels like it’s crushing in my chest. I cup my hand around the tattoo on his ribs. “The blood running through your veins doesn’t change the fact that you have a family who loves you, nor does it erase a lifetime of memories, Calder.”
“Those memories were built on a lie.”
“Do you really think your father would treat you any differently if he were still here?”
He stiffens, torture reflected in his expression. “I’ll never know.”
“If you let this fester, it will gnaw away at you. Find a way to discover the answer you need so you can truly move on. The Blakes didn’t stop being your family because a piece of paper says otherwise.”
Shrugging, he snorts. “Bash is the only one who knows the truth. And he pretty much beat the crap out of me when he found out why he hadn’t heard from me in months. I know the Blakes will be there for me, but yes, to an extent, I feel...adrift. Losing your entire identity has a way of fucking with your self-worth. It isn’t something you just shake off easily.”
I definitely get the self-worth part. As he lifts his hand from the floor, I fold our fingers together. “That I completely understand.”
Calder turns our clasped hands over and stares at the tattoo on my wrist. Sliding his thumb over my scars, he lifts his gaze to mine. “Your turn.”
When I don’t say anything, his fingers tighten slightly. “Why don’t you tell me about the tattoo then?”
That’s easier. I smile and lift my arm to stare at my other wrist with an identical tree branch tattoo minus the raven. “Finding the right artist who could cover scars wasn’t easy. It takes true talent to cover them.” Chuckling, I continue, “I never thought I’d find my artist in a guy who models on the side, but as you can see, Noah’s incredibly talented.”
Calder’s gaze hardens. “How did you ‘discover’ his talent?”
I snicker, enjoying that he sounds jealous. “He asked me out for a beer after class and when I reached for my mug, he saw my scars and told me he could hide them in plain sight if I wanted.”
“You slept with him.”
I open my mouth to deny his statement, but it hits me that he jumped to that conclusion awfully fast. “You had sex with your tattoo artist, didn’t you?”
When Calder’s jaw tightens, swift jealousy surges through me and I pull my hand from his. Stretching my arms over my head, I sigh dreamily and force amused nonchalance. “What is it about tattoo artists? And, yes, I’ve seen Noah in the nude.”
Calder’s leaning over me before I even complete my sentence, his hands clasping my wrists tight over my head. “Stop avoiding telling me about your scars, Cass. Give me something to think about other than picturing you fucking some tatted up pretty boy.”
“What’s going to keep me from picturing you fucking a tatted up slutty gir—”
Calder clamps his mouth over mine, cutting off my response. His kiss is possessive and hard, hitting all the right buttons. But as much as I crave his aggression, I’m pissed too. I never slept with Noah. I valued his friendship more, but the last thing I want to think about is Calder with another woman. When I bite his lip, he grunts and settles his hips on mine, thrusting his tongue deeper.
His dog tags crushed between us and his rock hard erection pressed tightly against me are both pleasure and torture. It’s not enough. I need to feel the rush of the steel dragging along my skin as he slides deep inside me. I want to know that I’m the only person he’s thinking about. The only one he wants. I kiss him back and arch into him, locking my legs around his hips.
Calder groans and releases my arms to cup my face. This time his kiss is so intensely emotional, he sweeps the air right out of my lungs. My heart thunders and my body thrums for more. When I wrap my arms around his thick shoulders and respond to his passionate aggression with my own, he pulls back, his breathing uneven. “We both have past relationships. The difference is you’re not having to watch one in the present.”
I frown for a second. “You’re talking about Ben? That’s Celeste’s relationship, not mine.”
He scowls. “You’re the one giving the guy a free pass.”
“None of it is real, Calder.”
“Your trust in him is and his desire to have you to himself is very fucking real. He told me he’ll have me booted off your detail after tomorrow night.”
Panic grips me. “What? He can’t do that. I have an agreement with Gregory and Phillip.”
“Which he knows nothing about!” Calder growls his annoyance.
“It’s just one more night, Calder,” I say, trying to calm my own worries too. “The blood results should be back tomorrow. And regardless, at the party, we’ll get what we need to give the police another suspect to consider.”
Calder sighs. “Let’s agree to drop the subject, because honestly, Cass, the last thing I want to think about is you with any of those assholes, past or present.”
“Ben’s not an asshole.”
His expression hardens. “They’re all A-holes.”
“Only two in my past deserve that label,” I say, snorting my disgust.
Calder stills, the heat in his gaze shifting to alert awareness. Rolling us to our sides, he cups my cheek and commands softly, “Tell me.”
Did I really say that out loud? Ugh. Now that it’s out there, I can’t take it back. I swal
low and stare at the firelight dancing across his handsome face. I’m not sure if I have it in me to tell him the whole story while remaining calm and dispassionate. I shake my head. “You said to leave the past in the past.”
He inhales deeply and slides his fingers into my damp hair. Stroking my cheek with his thumb, he says, “Not this time, Raven mine. Tell me everything.”
He shared. It’s only fair that I share in return. Thankful that the firelight is throwing my face in the shadows, I take a deep breath and tell him what happened when I was a teen at Sherry’s party. I don’t go into details about the Celeste lookalike connection, nor do I tell him Jake and Brent’s names. I only tell him that it happened, and that the timing of that night’s event right before my sister’s suicide is what drove me to cutting. I avoid talking about the fact it also impacted my sexual relationships with men later in life, but I can tell by the tightening of his grip on my hair and the muscle jumping in his jaw, he’s making his own assumptions.
Once I finish, his thumb halts on my cheek. He’s still holding me but his whole frame has tensed against me. “What are their names?”
He’ll make me leave tonight if I tell him. I can’t afford to do that, no matter how twisted up this whole situation is. This isn’t just for Celeste’s sake, but also for Calder’s. He’s put so much work into his undercover status at the EUC, but if he finds out about Brent, I don’t know what he’ll do. I don’t want him to mess things up. Brent doesn’t come around the Carver estate, and as long as Jake doesn’t know that I’m not Celeste, I can handle this. I pull his hand from my face and tuck our hands between us on the towel. “The statute of limitations ran out on what they did a long time ago, Calder.”
“Names, Cass,” he says again, his tone eerie-calm.
Too calm. He’s also amazingly still, like a hunter waiting patiently for a deer to walk right into his crosshairs.
I shake my head and roll onto my back. “It’s in the past where it belongs.” Holding my wrists up, I turn them so he can see the tattoos in the firelight. “It took me a few years to get my head on straight, but I got these as a reward for swearing off cutting.” When Calder raises up on his elbow and encircles my left wrist with his hand, I point to the Never script on my arm. “I got this one later, after I relapsed and accidently cut too deep.” His hand cinches around my wrist and his gaze snaps to my face, full of worry, but I keep going. I need to finish so he’ll understand. “The ‘Never’ reminds me that for my own sanity, I have to let the past go. It’s also a promise to myself and my sister to never be a victim or allow myself to cut, ever again.”
I capture his hand and lower it to my chest. “Peace of mind is what matters to me, Calder. I worked very hard for that.” The sensation of his fingers flexing against my breast makes me instinctively arch into his palm. Calder’s nostrils flare, and as he cups my breast fully, I slide my fingers into his hair and pull him close to press my lips to his jawline. “When I’m with you, that part of my past fades into the background. Help me forget it ever happened. Show me that I’m capable of being as uninhibited as I want to be.”
He holds my gaze for a couple seconds, then prowls back over me, his gorgeous eyes full of banked hunger. Rubbing his nose along my cheek, he slides his fingers into my hair, then presses his forehead to mine. “If you’re serious, then I’m going to ask for your complete trust. Can you do that?”
I flatten my palms along his stubbled cheeks, my stomach fluttering with excitement. “With you…always.”
Worry flickers in his gaze, before he gives me a dark smile and bites my bottom lip. My skin prickles as he moves to my chin and then my throat. I start to slide my hands in his hair, but he glances up and shakes his head. “You can’t touch me.”
I frown. “Why not?”
“You’re trusting me, remember?” he says in a silky tone. “But since you most likely won’t listen,” he pauses and slips off his dog tags. “I’m just going to have to improvise. Give me your hands.”
The moment I lift my hands toward him, he sits up on his knees and wraps the beaded necklace around my wrists, doubling it up until I have just a little room to move. Tapping his finger on the dog tags, he flips them upward and against my palm, saying, “Keep these safe for me.”
I fold my fingers over on the tags, clasping them in my right hand and tease. “They’re not going anywhere.”
Calder pushes my arms to the floor, softly commanding, “Keep them here. I hope the necklace will remind you to do that. Otherwise we’ll have to find another way.”
I smile at his low threat, wondering what other inventive ways he has in mind, but I leave my arms where he put them. “I’m good.”
Calder cups the back of my neck and arches my throat as he bends to run his lips down the curved skin until he reaches my collarbone. “Did you know there is a spot here that will make you squirm?” he murmurs, his tone deceptively innocent.
“Really? Whereee—” I gasp as he locks his teeth on the edge of the bone closest to my shoulder. I’m caught like a rabbit in a wolf’s maw. I can’t struggle or pull away. My heart thumps hard against my chest and a shudder of anticipation thrums through me. All I can do is lay still and wait for him to release me.
Calder slowly slides his fingers over my breast, his hand massaging and weighing the plump flesh. When his palm rubs along my nipple, my stomach clenches and I take an aroused breath, waiting for him to pinch the tip. Instead, he releases my collarbone and quickly moves to capture my nipple between his teeth, clamping down with aggressive force.
Moaning deeply, I nearly come off the floor, my spine arched in primal response. I instinctively lift my arms to clasp him close, but the necklace reminds me of my promise. I clamp my lips together and lower my arms back to the floor while shamelessly pressing my chest closer to encourage more of his rough branding. This is my kind of sex play.
Calder chuckles against my breast, then gently sucks the tip into his warm mouth once more while tweaking my other nipple with his fingers.
I sigh my pleasure and fold my foot over his muscular calf, trying to pull him to me, but he quickly grabs my thigh and clasps it tight, pushing my leg back. “None of that, sweet Raven. This is my time. You can only touch me when I give you permission to.”
While I snort my disapproval of such a plan, he moves to my stomach, planting light kisses along my skin. He lingers at my belly button. Dipping his tongue inside the small crevice, he presses a soft kiss to my skin. “I feel your pulse racing, angel. It’s an arousing thump, thump, thump, but I’m going to make it jump ten times faster.”
“I know one way you can make it fuel a jet engine,” I offer suggestively.
“Shhh,” he says right before he bites my mons. As I let out a moaning gasp at his unparalleled talent of mixing pleasure and pain, he continues, his warm breath rushing across my sex. “I’m running this show. Not you.”
“But everyone knows the show is really all about the main attraction. And that would be me,” I tease as I lift my hands and point to my head.
Calder lets out a low laugh as he trails his fingers along my thighs. Pushing them open, he looks up at me with wicked intent. “But this is a concert, angel. Yes, there will be upbeats and downbeats, tender passages and vigorous lines, even playing with texture, but it’s not really about the orchestra, though we do enjoy the beautiful sound in our ears.” He slowly taps his fingers on the insides of my knees as he stares hungrily at my sex, already strategizing.
Lowering his head, he swipes his tongue along my entrance and all the way to my clit. My skin prickles from the brief tease, but my whole body clenches and heats up when he straightens and closes his eyes as a growl of pleasure rolls through him.
His green eyes snap open, full of fire and lustful determination as they collide with mine. “No, Raven mine…the attention goes to the conductor. With both hands working different aspects of the score, his direction is intentionally coordinated and emotionally tied to the outcome. He is the main attr
action.”
That’s a tantalizing statement I can’t argue with. Calder’s hard chest and flexing muscles are a gorgeous sight, but his mind utterly fascinates. It’s hard to believe that the same man who’s trained to kill with his bare hands and who participates in violent MMA fights, also appreciates and understands the finer aspects of all types of music. Even classical. As he looks at me as if he plans to literally devour my body, every bone liquefies. He’s the one I want to watch…the one who will entertain and enthrall. I want to get caught up in his charisma. To be fully consumed by him.
Tapping my toes three times on the carpet, I roll my hips to encourage him. “Let the concert begin, Maestro.”
The carnal look in his eyes shoots right through me before he grasps my right ankle. Bending my knee fully upright, he sets my foot down, then does the same to the other foot. “Keep them here and don’t move them unless I tell you to.”
I take an unsteady breath and nod my agreement, my gaze greedily eating up the flickering firelight playing across his shoulder and chest muscles as he touches the sensitive insides of my thighs. Sliding his hands up to my knees, he applies pressure along the way, silently telling me to angle them wider.
When I apply pressure against his hands, his gaze seeks mine, eyebrows raised. Trust me. This is the most exposed I’ve ever allowed myself to be with anyone. It’s scary and decadent and arousing all at once. Calder rests his hand on my knee and squeezes, his touch releasing the tension in my legs and I let him open me fully.
He rewards me with a pleased smile then grasps my ankle. I’m unprepared for the sensation of his mouth on the tender space right under my ankle bones. It’s so sensitive, I instantly try to jerk my foot free, but Calder clasps my calf muscle tight, holding me in place. He moves up my leg, alternating with tender kisses and aggressive nips.
Desire swirls in my belly, the toes on my other foot digging into the carpet. I curl my fingers tight around the dog tags in my hand and the sensation of the tiny beads biting into the sensitive scars on my wrists is surprisingly erotic.
Steel Rush (In the Shadows#5) Page 12
