by Maeve Binchy
'And a new baby?'
'That's part of it, yes, a new beginning.'
'Will you tell me about her, about Bernadette? About what you and she have that we don't have, I don't mean glorious sex of course. Calm I may be but not quite calm enough to hear about that.'
'I beg you, don't bring bitter accusing words into it.'
'I beg you to think about what you say. Is there anything bitter and accusing about asking you in a totally non-hysterical way why you are suddenly ending a life that I thought was perfectly satisfactory? I just asked you to tell me what you are going to that's so much better. I'm sorry I mentioned sex but you did tell me that you and Bernadette are going to have a child and so forgive me but there must have been some sex involved.'
'I hate you to be sarcastic like this. I know you so well and you know me, we shouldn't be talking like this. We shouldn't truly.'
'Danny, is this just something that's happened to us, something that we might sort of get through like people do? I know it's serious and there's a child involved, but people have survived such things.'
'No, it's not like that.'
'You can't feel that it's all over. You got involved with somebody much younger, you were flattered. Of course I'm furious and upset but I can get over it, we all get over things. It doesn't have to be the end.'
'All day I said to myself… please may Ria be calm. I don't expect her to forgive me but may she be calm enough for us to discuss this and see what's best for the children. You are calm, I don't deserve this but it's the wrong kind of calm. You think it's just a fling.'
'A fling?' she said.
'Yes, remember we used to go through all the degrees of relationships, a whirl, a fling, a romance, a relationship, and then the real thing.' He smiled as he said this. He was looking at his wife very affectionately.
Ria was bewildered. 'So?'
'So this is not a fling, it's the real thing. I love Bernadette, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and she with me.'
Ria nodded as if this was a reasonable thing for the man she loved to be saying about somebody else. She spoke carefully. 'During the day when you were thinking please let her be calm, what else did you think? What did you think would be the best end to this discussion?'
'Oh, Ria, please. Don't play games.'
'I have never felt less like playing games in my life. I mean this utterly seriously, how do you want it to end?'
'With dignity I suppose. With respect for each other.'
'What?'
'No, you asked me, you asked what did I hope for. I suppose I hoped you'd agree that what we had was very good at the time but it was over and that… we could talk about what to do that would hurt Annie and Brian least.'
'I've done nothing at all to hurt them.'
'I know.'
'And you didn't think there was anything that you and I could talk about which would get us back together the way it used to be—well, used to be for you.'
'No, love, that's over, that's gone.'
'So when you said talk, it wasn't talk about us, it was talk about what I am to do when you go, is that it?'
'About what we both do. It's not their fault, Annie and Brian don't deserve any hardship.'
'No they don't. Do I, though?'
'That's different, Ria. You and I fell out of love.'
'I didn't.'
'You did, you just won't admit it.'
'That's not true. And I won't say I did to make you feel better.'
'Please.'
'No, I love you. I love the way you look and the way you smile, I love your face and I want to have your arms around me and hear you telling me that this is all a nightmare.'
'This isn't the way it is, Ria, it's the way it was.'
'You don't love me any more?'
'I'll always admire you.'
'I don't want your admiration, I want you to love me.'
'You only think you do… deep down you don't.'
'Don't give me this, Danny, trying to make me say that I'm tired of it all too.'
'We can't have everything we want,' he began.
'You're having a pretty good stab at it though.'
'I want us to be civilised, decide what we'll do about where we all live…'
'What do you mean?'
'Before we tell the children we should be able to give them an idea what the future is going to be like.'
'I'm not telling the children anything, I have nothing to tell them. You tell them what you want to.'
'But the whole point is not to upset them…'
'Then stay at home and live with them and give up this other thing… that's the way not to upset them.'
'I can't do that, Ria,' Danny said. 'My mind's made up.'
That was the moment she believed that all this was actually happening. Up to then it had all been words, and nightmares. Now she knew and she felt very, very weary. 'Right,' she said. 'Your mind's made up.'
He seemed relieved at the change in her. He was right, they did know each other very well, he could see that somehow she had accepted it was going to happen. Their conversation would now be on a different level, the level he had wanted, discussion of details, who would live where. 'There wouldn't be any hurry to move and change everything immediately, disrupting their school term, but maybe by the end of the summer?'
'Maybe what by the end of the summer?' Ria asked.
'We should have thought of what will happen, where we'll all live.'
'I’ll be living here, won't I?' Ria said, surprised.
'Well, sweetheart, we'll have to sell the place. I mean it would be much too big for…'
'Sell Tara Road?' She was astounded.
'Eventually, of course, because…'
'But Danny, this is our home. This is where we live, we can't sell it.'
'We're going to have to. How else can… well… everybody be provided for?'
'I'm not moving from here so that you can provide for a twenty-two-year-old.'
'Please Ria, we must think what we tell Annie and Brian.'
'No, you must think. I've told you I'm telling them nothing, and I am not moving out of my home.'
There was a silence.
'Is this how you're going to play it?' he said eventually. 'Daddy, wicked monster Daddy, is going away and abandoning you, and good saintly poor Mummy is staying…'
'Well that's more or less the way it is, Danny.'
He was angry now. 'No, it's not. We're meant to be trying to be constructive and make things more bearable for them.'
'Okay, let's wait here until they come home and let's watch you making it bearable for them.'
'Where are they?'
'At Rosemary's, watching a video.'
'Does Rosemary know?'
'Yes.'
'And what time will they be back?'
Ria shrugged. 'Nine or ten, I imagine.'
'Can you ring and get them back sooner?'
'You mean you can't even wait a couple of hours in your own home for them.'
'I don't mean that, it's just if you're going to be so hostile… I suppose I'm afraid it will make things worse.'
'I won't be hostile. I'll sit and read or something.'
He looked around wonderingly. 'You know I've never known this house so peaceful, I've never known you sit and read. The place is always like a shopping centre in the city with doors opening and closing, people coming in and out and food and cups of coffee. It's always like a beer garden here, with your mother and the dog and Gertie and Rosemary and all the children's friends. This of all times must be the very first time in this house that you can hear yourself think.'
'I thought you liked the place being full of people.'
'There was never any calm here, Ria, too much rushing round playing house.'
'I don't believe this, you're just rewriting history.' She got up from the table and went over to the big armchair. She still felt this huge tiredness. She closed her eyes and knew that she could sleep there and the
n in the middle of this conversation that was about to end her marriage and the life she had lived up to now. Her eyelids were very heavy.
'I'm so sorry, Ria,' he said. She said nothing. 'Will I go and pack some things, do you think?'
'I don't know, Danny. Do whatever you think.'
'I'm happy to sit and talk to you.'
Her eyes were still closed. 'Well do then.'
'But there's nothing more to say,' he said sadly. 'I can't keep on saying that I'm sorry things turned out like this, I can't keep saying that over and over.'
'No, no you can't,' she agreed.
'So maybe it would be better if I were to go up and pack a few things.'
'Maybe it would.'
'Ria?'
'Yes?'
'Nothing.'
For a while she could hear him upstairs moving from his study to the bedroom. And then she fell asleep in the chair.
She woke to the sound of voices in the kitchen.
'Usually it's Dad fast asleep,' said Brian.
'Did you have a nice time?' Ria asked.
'It's not even in the cinemas for another three weeks.' Brian's eyes were shining.
'And you, Annie?'
'It was okay. Can Kitty stay the night?' Annie asked.
'No, not tonight.'
'But Mam, why"? Why do you always make life hell for everyone? We told Kitty's mother that she'd be staying.'
'Not tonight. Your father and I want to talk to you and Brian about something.'
'Kitty can talk too.'
'You heard me, Annie.' There was something about her voice. Something different. Grudgingly Annie escorted her friend to the door. Ria could hear muttered remarks about people who spoiled everything.
Danny had come downstairs. He looked pale and anxious. 'We want to talk to you, your mother and I,' he began. 'But I'll do most of the talking because this is about… well, it's up to me to explain it all really.' He looked from one to the other as they stood alarmed by the table. Ria still sat in her armchair. 'It's very hard to know where to start, so if you don't think it's very sentimental and slushy I'll start by saying that we love you very, very much, you're a smashing daughter and son…'
'You're not sick or anything, Daddy?' Annie interrupted.
'No, no, nothing like that.'
'Or going to gaol? You have that kind of voice.'
'No, sweetheart. But there are going to be some changes, and I wanted to tell…'
'I know what it is.' Brian's face was contorted with horror. 'I know. It was just the same in Dekko's house when they told him, they told him they loved him. Are we going to have a baby? Is that it?'
Annie looked revolted. 'Don't be disgusting, Brian.'
But they both looked at Ria for confirmation that this wasn't the problem. She gave a funny little laugh. 'We're not, but Daddy is,' she said.
'Ria!' He looked as if she had hit him. His face was ashen. 'Ria, how could you?'
'I answered a question. You said we should answer their questions.'
'What is it, Daddy? What are you saying?' Annie looked from one to the other.
'I'm saying that for some of the time I won't be living here any more, well, for most of the time really. And that in the future, well, we'll all probably move house, but you will have a place with me and also with Mummy for as long as you like, always, for ever and ever. So nothing about us will change as far as you're concerned.'
'Are you getting divorced?' Brian asked.
'Eventually yes. But that's a long way down the line. The main thing to establish is that everyone knows everything and there are no secrets, nobody getting hurt.'
'That's what your father wants to establish,' Ria said.
'Ria, please…" He looked hurt and annoyed.
'And is Mam making it up about you having a baby? That's not true, is it, Dad?'
Danny looked at Ria in exasperation. 'That's not the point at the moment. The point is that you are my children and nothing can change that, nothing at all. You are my daughter and my son.'
'So it is true!' Annie said in horror.
'Not a baby!' Brian said.
'Shut up, Brian, the baby's not coming here. Dad's going away to it. Isn't that what's happening?' Danny said nothing, just looked miserably at the two stricken young faces. 'Well, is it, Dad? Are you going to leave us for someone else?'
'I can never leave you, Annie. You're my daughter, we'll never leave each other.'
'But you're leaving home and going to live with someone who's pregnant?'
'Your mother and I have agreed that we are not the same people we once were… we have different needs…'
Ria gave a little strangled laugh from the armchair.
'Who is she, Daddy? Do we know her?'
'No, Annie, not yet.'
'Don't you care, Mam? Won't you stop him? Won't you tell him you don't want him to go?' Annie was blazing with rage.
Ria wanted to leap up and hold her hurt angry daughter to her and tell her just how bad it all was, how unreal. 'No, Annie. Your father knows that already, but he has made up his mind.'
'Ah, Ria, we agreed, you promised that this shouldn't be a slanging match between us.'
'We agreed nothing, I promised nothing. I am not telling my children that I have different "needs". It's just not true. I need you and want you at home.'
'Oh Mam, everything's ending, Mam.' Brian's face was white. He had never heard his capable mother admitting that she was adrift.
'Brian, it's all right, that's what I'm trying to say to you. Nothing's changing. I'm still Dad, still the same Dad I was all the time.'
'You can't leave Mam, Dad. You can't go off with some other one, and leave Mam and us here.' Brian was very near tears.
Annie spoke. 'She doesn't care, Mam doesn't give a damn. She's just letting him go, she's letting him walk out. She's not even trying to stop him.'
'Thank you very much, Ria, that was terrific.' Danny was near to tears.
She found her voice. 'I will not tell the children that I don't mind and that it's all fine. It is not all fine, Danny.'
'You promised…' he began.
'I promised nothing.'
'We said we didn't want to hurt the children.'
I'm not walking out on them, I'm not talking about selling this house over their heads. Where am I hurting them? I only heard about your plans last night and suddenly I'm meant to be all sweetness and light. Saying this is all for the best; we're different people with different needs. I'm the same person, I have the same needs. I need you to stay here with us.'
'Ria, have some dignity please,' he shouted at her.
They seemed to realise that the children hadn't spoken. They looked at the faces of their son and daughter, white and disbelieving and both of them with tears falling unchecked. They were beginning to realise that their life in Tara Road was over. Nothing would ever be the same. An eerie stillness settled on the kitchen. They watched each other fearfully. It was always Ria who broke a silence, who made the first move, who jollied people along. But not tonight. It was as if she were more shocked than any of them.
Danny spoke eventually. 'I don't know what to do for the best,' he said helplessly. 'I wanted it told differently but maybe there's no good way of telling it.' They said nothing. 'What would you like me to do? Will I stay here in the study tonight so things will be sort of normal, or will I leave and come back tomorrow? You tell me and I'll do what you say.'
It was obvious that Ria was going to say nothing.
He looked at the children. 'Go,' said Brian. 'Stay,' said Annie.
'Not if you're going to leave anyway, go now,' Brian said. They all looked at Annie. She shrugged. 'Why not?' she said in a small hurt voice. 'If you're going to leave tomorrow, what's the point of hanging about?'
'It's not goodbye, sweetheart…' Danny began. 'Can you understand that?'
'No, I can't, Daddy, to be honest,' she said, and she picked up her school bag and without a backward glance went out the kitchen door
and up the stairs.
Brian watched her go. 'What's going to happen to us all?' he asked.
'We'll all survive,' Danny said. 'People do.'
'Mam?' Her son looked at her.
'As your dad says… people do, we will too.' The look that Danny gave her was grateful. She didn't want his gratitude. 'The children have said they'd like you to go, Danny. Will you, please?'
He went quietly and the three of them heard him starting his car and driving down Tara Road.
Ria had a little speech ready for them at breakfast.
'I wasn't much help last night,' she said.
'Is it all really going to happen, Mam? Isn't there anything we can do to stop it?' Brian's face was hopeful.
'Apparently it is going to happen, but I wanted to tell you it's not quite as sad and awful as it seemed last night.'
'What do you mean?' Annie was scornful.
'I mean that what your father said was quite true. We both do love you very much and we'll be here, or around if not here, whenever you need us until you get bored with us and want lives of your own. But until then I'm not going to shout at your father like I did and he's not going to sneer at me. And if you want to be with him, at a weekend say, then that's where you'll be and if you want to be with me, then I'll be here or wherever and delighted for you to be with me. That's a promise.' They didn't rate it much. 'And what I suggest is that you ring your dad at the office today and ask him where he'd like to meet you tonight and talk to you and tell you about everything.'
'Can't you tell us, Mam?' Brian begged.
'I can't really, Brian. I don't know it all and I'd tell it wrong. Let him tell you then you won't feel worried and there won't be any grey areas.'
'But if he tells us one thing and you tell us another?' Annie wanted to know.
'We'll try not to do that any more.'
'And does everyone know about it?'
'No, I don’t think many people do.'
'Well, do they or don't they?' Annie was abrupt and rude. 'I mean does Gran know, Aunty Hilary, Mr McCarthy—people like that?'
'Gran and Hilary don't know, but I expect Mr McCarthy does. I didn't think of it before but I imagine he knows all about it.' Her face was like's^one.
'And are we to tell anyone? Do I tell Kitty what's happened or is it all a terrible secret?'
'Kitty's your friend. You must tell her whatever you want to, Annie.'
