by Jessie G.
“It was selfish and I wish I could hate you for it. You have no idea how much I wish I could hate you for it.” Kyle searched Saul’s face and knew why he couldn’t. Saul needed him, maybe as much if not more than Javier needed Saul. “You’ve been caged too long.”
“It was necessary.” The separation between the ‘real’ Saul and ‘Javier’s’ Saul was exactly that—a self-imposed cage. What had these two men suffered to have built such complicated mental defenses?”
“What if I want it all? Javi’s tenderness, Saul’s dominance and you, my beautiful beast, your brutal possession. Not for a week or a month or a year, but forever. Will you promise me that?” Kyle knew all the reasons to run if not all the details, yet his body and mind were in firm agreement that his place was right at this man’s side.
“No, I can’t promise you that. Being with me isn’t safe and our future, Javi’s and mine, is uncertain. You already knew I was going to push you away on Monday, what I don’t know is why you haven’t already run.”
Kyle only had one answer, the same one he used in the middle of the night. “You need me here.”
“What I need…” Saul shook his head, not in denial of that truth, but in refusal of his offer. “My needs are the least important part of this conversation.”
“Let me guess why,” Kyle taunted. “Because Javier’s needs are all that matter. Not mine and never yours. To be with you both would mean that you would sacrifice my needs for his, just as you’ve sacrificed your needs for his.”
“Exactly.”
“I call bullshit.” Kyle grinned at the shock on Saul’s face. “Total fucking bullshit. You are desperate for someone to see to your needs because Javi’s not capable. That person needs to be smart, capable and independent. Someone who isn’t waiting for your cues to sit, stand or beg. Someone who needs his own space because sometimes the space you and Javi occupy is overwhelming. Someone who only has one need that you’re not only perfectly capable of fulfilling, you’re desperate to give.”
“Sit, stand or beg?” Saul’s surprised amusement only complimented the darkness and it stole his breath. In the midst of all this...this bullshit, he could make Saul smile. That might be his greatest need of all.
“Something Chase said that stuck with me.” Kyle stepped closer and almost pointed out that Saul had shown up for this little conversation naked. Because apparently nothing said ‘fuck off’ like a semi-erect dick.
“You’re just slightly insane aren’t you, Kyle?” Saul’s big hands cupped his ass and lifted him effortlessly. Yeah, he heard everything Saul said, but apparently Saul’s mind and body were also in complete agreement.
“I thought I was fairly sane,” Kyle whispered as he leaned in for a kiss.
Just before they connected, Saul pulled back, denying him. Fucking teasing bastard. Strong hands slid down and gripped the backs of his thighs, lifting until Kyle was wrapped around him like a monkey. Every action was deliberate, unhurried, and again he had the sense that Saul had all the time in the world to play with him. It was sexy as hell, but didn’t the guy ever hear of a quickie? Sometimes he just wanted to be bent over and fucked hard—was that so wrong?
“Then what happened?” Saul braced them against the tiled wall, giving him that trapped feeling Kyle loved.
“Are we about to have makeup sex?” Kyle tightened his arms and legs, making his intentions clear. “Do you have any idea how mad I was? You’re going to be making it up to me for hours.”
“Tell me what happened.” That firm mouth inched closer, each word whispering across his lips.
Kyle sighed dramatically and dropped his head back against the wall. “You and Javi spoke to me in the café, and I came right there in my shorts. It fried my brain.”
“You should have told me then. I would’ve had Javi get on his knees and lick you clean.”
If this torture kept up he was going to come right there all over both of them. “Fly with me, Saul.”
The world fell away when Saul kissed him. It was neither brutal nor vicious. It was all consuming. Where before Saul poured all his desperation into the kiss, this beast took and kept on taking, devouring everything that he was until all that was left was a whimpering shell of a man. Then the beast gave and kept on giving, filling him with lust and strength and love until he thought he would burst with it. Then it started all over, shattering him completely before rebuilding him even stronger.
“Saul?” A soft knock on the bathroom door and a softer voice slithered between them. The beast whimpered and scrambled for purchase before the shackles restrained him once again.
Pinned between the wall and that kiss, Kyle felt the moment when the cage door closed. Desperately he tightened his arms and legs, trying to hold on for one more moment. Saul clung just as desperately, savaging his mouth. It was that response that allowed him to ease back enough for them to breathe. With whispered assurances and gentle kisses, he eased them both down to a level that Saul would find acceptable for Javier.
Saul pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes. “I’ll be right out, pequeño.”
“Is Kyle with you?”
At Saul’s nod Kyle responded for himself. “Yes.”
“Good. Sorry I fell asleep. Bull called and said to be at the bar at seven. He sounded pissy.”
“I’ll call him back when I’m done.”
Kyle waited until he heard the bedroom door close before asking, “He’s totally locked it away, hasn’t he?”
Saul eased him down until he was on solid footing, and then reached over to shut off the now cold water. “Not every crisis is a total meltdown, but when he hits overload, his body just shuts down. I’d call it a blackout, he calls it sleep. Whatever it is usually lasts about an hour. Then it’s all just magically gone.”
“You’ve been kissing me for an hour?” His brain really was fried.
“Close.” Saul grabbed up a second towel and began drying him. “Red needs to see that Javi’s all right. Red’s…”
When Saul paused, Kyle offered, “Javi said sometimes he’s broken.”
“Interesting observation from him, no? Red’s trigger is very specific and he’s otherwise brilliant, funny and strong. We’re the first family he’s ever had. Hearing Javi say shit like that really upsets him, but he knows Javi will have forgotten the whole incident by the time they see each other. A couple of drinks at the bar, some live music…it’s as good a cover as any to give Red the assurance he needs.”
“All right, do you want me to stay behind?”
“No, I want you to meet them.”
Thoughtfully, Kyle cupped Saul’s chin and searched his eyes. After allowing him to look for a minute, Saul grinned and walked out of the bathroom. Maybe his beast wasn’t locked that far away after all.
Chapter 19
Saul
The bar wasn’t packed yet when Saul led Javier and Kyle to the large booth their friends had already taken over. Feeling safe in the familiar environment and buzzing with excitement over the idea of introducing Kyle to their friends, Javier dashed away at the last few feet and threw himself into the booth. As he gestured for Kyle to go in ahead of him, he could feel Bull’s gaze boring into him.
“Hey, I know you!” Red gave Kyle a welcoming smile that was a drastic departure from the standoffish man they met just a few months ago. It was a testament to Red’s survival instincts and Bull’s unwavering support and Saul couldn’t be happier for them. “Man, we have to talk about complimenting the ego over here. That perfect ass comment is going to live on forever.”
“He liked your ass, too.” Javier winked at Bull, knowing good and well he was courting trouble. Red’s effect on Javier was a constant surprise. Relaxed and excited, almost juvenile in an endearing sort of way. Because Javier barely remembered his life before his Uncle gave him to Durango, Saul had no idea if his childhood had been good or bad. What he did know is that it ended too soon and in Red he found a partner in crime who he knew didn’t have any childho
od at all.
Kyle lifted his hands up when Bull pretended to glare. “You can’t blame me for that! I was daydreaming about having legs that long when I accidentally looked at his ass. It’s perched there pretty impressively, yeah?”
“I’m not even sure I can argue with that skewed logic.” Amused and pleased to see Red blush under Kyle’s compliment, Bull offered his hand across the table. “Call me Bull.”
Kyle took the offered hand and smiled his best Kip Veil smile. “Nice to meet you, Bull. And Red, right? I’m Kyle.”
With his focus on Javier, Saul hadn’t given any thought to how Kyle would feel meeting their friends. That morning, when the others drifted through the kitchen, Kyle had been relatively quiet. Focusing on his meal, observing and smiling at appropriate times, but otherwise uncommunicative until the others dispersed. It shouldn’t surprise him that he would call on that Kip Veil persona to deal with a situation he’d been forced to endure. If this didn’t prove to Kyle that Saul would put Javier’s needs above either of theirs, what would?
Totally unaware of the subtle shift at the table, Javier nudged Kyle. “Red is an artist. You should see some of his work.”
“A painter?” The genuine interest in Kyle’s question had Red blushing again.
“No, I haven’t tried my hand at painting. I do pencil sketches and computer graphics. Actually, I’m really just starting out so I’m not sure how much of my work there is to see.”
“That’s really cool. I always wished I was born with some creativity. All I can do is play hangman. That’s the extent of my freehand skills.” Saul watched with open curiosity, amending his original impression of Kyle’s approach. A bit of Kip Veil for courage, a bit of Kyle for self-depreciation, and a bit of empathy that seemed naturally ingrained. The Kip Veil from the club was of no interest to him, but this combination was attractive. Saul really wanted to know why Kyle needed Kip beyond the porn persona and knew it would be unfair to strip through the layers when their time together was limited.
“Hangman?” Red’s cautious question brought all eyes back to Kyle.
Instead of looking surprised by Red’s ignorance, he paused thoughtfully before giving another self-deprecating laugh. “Sometimes I forget not everyone grew up in the backwoods of nowhere. As word games go it’s pretty rudimentary, but then what isn’t in Shitsville, right? Anyway, Hangman is a game where you have to guess letters to a puzzle and if your letter isn’t right you have to add parts to a stick figure. If you complete the stick figure, he’s the hangman and you lose.”
Bull slipped an arm around Red and pulled him into the shelter of his body. It didn’t happen often anymore, but the gaps in Red’s knowledge about things most people experienced as children made him feel self-conscious. “Must have been during the years I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Ah, well I was a bit of a geek, which is a much kinder description than my classmates had for me.” Kyle shook his head, as if realizing he might have shared more than he wanted to. “Anyway, that was a long time ago and my ability to draw hasn’t gotten any better. Luckily, it’s not a requirement in my line of work.”
It was a testament to Kyle’s smooth handling of the situation that put Bull’s normally overprotective instincts at ease. For Saul, Kyle’s little story only kicked his protective instincts into overdrive. More and more he wanted to know this man’s background, and not knowing made him feel impotent. Even knowing there was nothing he could do to help him. Even knowing Kyle had already helped himself.
Thankfully Bull saved him from demanding answers he didn’t deserve. “So, Kyle, do you live here in Miami?”
“No, I live out of a suitcase and crash wherever the next photo shoot is.” When Bull and Red looked at each other, Kyle was quick to defend his lifestyle. “It’s been a good ten years. I’ve seen a lot of the world and met some interesting people.”
“I’m sure you have.” Bull laughed when Saul kicked him under the table.
If it wasn’t Bull, who didn’t have a malicious bone in his big body, Saul would have already ended the conversation with his fists. “You about done yet?”
“I’m not offended” Kyle cut in quickly, his Kip Veil smile firmly in place. “I’ve heard a lot worse directed at me. And I know you’re just trying to get a rise out of Saul.”
“People say mean things to you?” Javier’s horrified question made Kyle wince and shift away from him.
“Honestly, it’s fine.” Kyle looked around the table as if trying to reassure them all. Unlike Red or Javier, Kyle didn’t seek out comfort or a physical connection. If anything, he held himself apart, even within the confines of the bench. “I have no illusions about what people think about me.”
“I don’t know who ‘people’ are and don’t care. Here, with us and our friends, there is no judgment.” Saul would be damned if he’d let Kyle think for even a second that they were judging him. Kyle looked up, his eyes like ice as they searched Saul’s face for the truth. It was the same expression Kyle gave Tex and Saul hated it even more now that it was directed at him. So he let Kyle look, knowing very well that there was only one bad person sitting at the table, only one who deserved to be judged so harshly. Finally those eyes softened, paled until they were almost white, and Kyle reached for his hand beneath the table.
The satisfaction of that response lasted only until Saul met Bull’s gaze across the table. Plain as fuck that green gaze was demanding to know what he was doing. It was a good question, one that he’d have to answer for, but it would wait until after Kyle left. Bull wouldn’t judge him for taking something for himself. His friend was nothing if not unwaveringly supportive. Then he’d give him the kick in the ass he needed, the blunt reminder of the danger that hung over his head. “I’m hungry. do we have a waitress or are we waiting on the others?”
With one final, meaningful look, Bull said, “Chris texted me a little while ago. Everything seems to be okay with the tests, but Owen won’t really know until he follows up with his doctor. When they got to the condo Owen crashed pretty much immediately, so Chris is hanging around to keep an eye on him.”
Whatever was going on with Owen was weighing heavily on all of them. The problem, as far as Saul saw it, was that Owen didn’t know how important he was to anyone. “Chris wasn’t happy to find out that Owen had been in the hospital and no one told him.”
“That’s on Owen. Since the panic attack he’s been more messed up than normal. Spouting nonsense about being weak and failing to measure up.” Bull shook his head. “At this point he doesn’t want my help, so I’m giving him the space to figure it out.”
“Now that Chris knows what’s going on he’ll keep him close and once Owen moves into the house we’ll all be able to keep an eye on him. You know we won’t let him fail.” Bull looked away and Saul felt for him. A man like Bull, who helped so many others, would see his inability to help his own brother as a failure. “What about the others?”
“Liam and Billy claim to be exhausted from painting. You and I both know they’re probably curled up somewhere together pretending they’re just friends.” What a fucked up bunch they were. None of them had maintained a successful relationship until Red came into Bull’s life. He couldn’t even count his years with Javier. For all the shit they’d been through together their ‘relationship’ was brand new. “Jacky said he’d stop in for a drink or twelve so I’m assuming the day with his sister didn’t go well and Colin is at whatever job he works on Saturday night.”
“Bouncing at River Rock tonight.” Colin was the enigma. In addition to being in business with Owen, he worked multiple side jobs. If not for the joint calendar he insisted on, Saul wouldn’t have any clue where Colin was most of the time. Strange thing was, the man had a trust fund that made work an option, not a requirement. The demons riding his ass were a mystery and only Bull knew why he was in jail to begin with, but he was one of theirs and therefore Saul’s to look after. “Well, if you talked to everyone then you heard about the troublemak
ers this morning.”
“I didn’t hear a thing.” Javier sighed. “Some help I am. Did you hear anything, Kyle?”
Kyle looked up at him questioningly and he shrugged. “It’s not like we can stuff that cat back in the bag.”
“Uh, not the troublemakers, no. I heard Billy knocking at some god-awful hour.” Just thinking about waking up and seeing Kyle sleeping contently in his armpit made Saul smile. And then after, being able to trap that body against his and have Kyle melt into him...really fucking hot.
“See I didn’t even hear that. That can’t be normal, can it?” Javier frowned up at him. No, Saul didn’t think it was normal so much as it was normal for Javier when they slept together. It was a byproduct of the blind, unwavering, unrealistic trust that Javier had in him. Those deep, soulful eyes bled worry for him and Saul braced for the possibility that he’d physically have to move Kyle out from between them so he could get to Javier.
“I don’t know if it’s normal, but I’d give my left nut to be able to sleep that soundly sometimes,” Kyle teased, cutting right through the brewing storm.
With a cross between a sniffle and a chuckle, Javier begged, “Shit, man, don’t do that! I like your nuts where they are.”
In the stunned silence that followed Red and Bull just looked at Saul. What could he say? That he’d never thought to crack a joke in the face of one of Javier’s meltdowns? As if he hadn’t just left the table speechless, Kyle leaned in and brushed Javier’s nose with his, causing Javier to giggle softly. Crisis totally fucking averted.
“I kinda like where your nuts are, too,” Kyle teased, leaning in for another nose rub and getting another chuckle as a reward.
Bull and Red burst out laughing. If there was any question as to what was going on, that clarified things perfectly. The oversharing had to stop before he dragged them both back to the bedroom. “Pups!”
