by Noelle Adams
After a long minute, he admitted, “A long time.”
“Since before we started dating?”
“Yes, before then.”
Zoe’s heart was beating rapidly. “Since the funeral?”
“Yes, before then.”
Now she could barely breathe. “Since before Josh and I got married?”
“Yes,” he admitted, his voice rough with something deep. “I loved you back then.”
Zoe rolled over, so she wasn’t draped on top of him anymore. She felt chilled and a little shaky.
He turned over on his side to look at her, but he didn’t speak.
“I thought,” she said at last. “I thought you didn't like me anymore. You were so cold with me when Josh and I were dating and afterwards.”
“I was hurt. I was very hurt when you got together with Josh. I was protecting myself.”
Zoe closed her eyes and tried to think. Tried to remember so many details she’d assumed were trivial back then. Her lips felt dry, so she licked them.
“Zoe, everything I told you before was true,” Adam continued, a little more urgency in his tone. “It was like I told you. Josh seemed to come out of nowhere and take you away from me. It’s just that you were more to me than attraction and familiarity.”
“Oh.” She had no idea how she felt about this. “So all that time, when we were hanging out at lunch, just casually…”
“It wasn’t casual for me. When I saw you for the first time, I thought you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I only started going back to have lunch there every day in the hopes of seeing you again. Then, when I got up the courage to talk to you and we started eating together, I learned you were so much more than just beautiful. The more I got to know you, the crazier I became about you. I knew—I knew—that we should be together.”
“You never even asked me out!”
“I was working my way up to it,” he said, a little ruefully, glancing away. “I knew you weren’t in the same place, so I thought it would help for us to spend more time together first. I thought—since it was going to be the real thing—I would move slow.”
A swell of emotion tightened in her chest, and her eyes blurred a little. She sat up, breathing and telling herself she shouldn't be such a crybaby.
But she could feel for Adam so much back then. Pouring his hopes into a possibility that was only crushed when his cousin came along.
Yes, Zoe had been absolutely clueless. And, yes, her relationship with Josh had been real and wonderful.
But she could still feel so deeply how Adam must have felt.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,” he said, sitting up too and studying her anxiously. “When you didn’t care about me, obviously I couldn’t tell you. And then, when we were becoming friends, it would only have created more distance. And then…”
“Then what?” she choked.
“Then I was afraid I’d scare you away. I was trying to do the right thing. I was trying to give you the space you needed to heal. That night, when I drank too much, I went too far—before you were ready. It almost messed things up, so I was even more careful after that.”
She listened carefully, trying to put pieces together in her mind, even as she grew more and more breathless.
Adam continued, “I guess, for the last month or so, I just misjudged the amount of space you needed. I was still afraid of going too far too soon, but it was bothering me more and more. I’m sorry I’ve been holding back so much, but I was so afraid I’d scare you away.”
She panted and stared at him.
“Have I?” he asked hoarsely. “Scared you away?”
She shook her head, loving him so much she didn’t think she could contain it inside her.
He groaned and sort of collapsed back onto the mattress, pulling her down with him. He hugged her so tightly her ribs hurt, but she didn’t complain.
After a while, Zoe shifted, causing him to loosen his grip. He didn’t let her go, though.
“Adam?” she asked.
“Hmm?”
“Can we go to sleep now?”
He shook with silent laughter and let her roll out of his arms. She went to the bathroom, turned out the light, and then curled up at his side, which was much more comfortable.
After a little while, she felt his breathing slow and his body relax. She tried to fall asleep too, since she was so tired she could barely see straight, but she couldn't.
She kept thinking about Adam. About how he must have felt when she’d started dating Josh, when they’d gotten engaged, when they’d been married, when she’d gotten pregnant with Logan.
He’d wanted her back in the café, but he’d made himself go slow with her.
Because it had been the real thing.
Only to discover he’d gone too slow.
She didn't regret any part of her relationship with Josh. She wouldn’t have traded it for anything in the world.
But she hurt so much for Adam that she started to cry after all.
She rolled over away from him, stifling the sound of her sobs.
She must not have stifled them enough.
Adam shifted in the bed, causing the mattress to give. Then she felt him move beside her, spoon her from behind.
Zoe tried so hard to stop crying she almost choked herself.
“It’s okay,” he murmured, his breath against her hair. “I know it’s still going to be hard sometimes. You don’t have to hide it from me.”
He didn’t understand.
“No,” she managed to say when the storm of emotion finally subsided. “I wasn’t crying for Josh.”
His hand had been slowing rubbing her belly, but it grew still as she told him the truth in the dark. “I was crying for you.”
Eighteen
It was after four before Zoe got home from an afternoon of shopping with Jane.
They’d started by looking at furniture for the office that was going into her house. Then they’d given up and shopped for clothes instead.
Adam had been staying with Logan, in order to give Zoe a Sunday outing. But, when she got back, Adam and Logan weren't in the living room or the kitchen.
She was pretty sure she knew where to find them, so she headed up to the half-renovated third floor. It had previously been mostly wasted space, as half attic and half domestic quarters. When it was completed, it would be a spacious study or office room with a half-bath.
She had no need for an office space, but Adam had talked her into it, saying more space would come in handy when Logan got older, and it would be a good investment in the property.
Before she’d reached the top of the stairs, she heard Adam’s voice. “No, we can’t touch that. That’s where they’ve been working on the wiring.”
“Wy-ring,” Logan repeated.
“That’s right. Wiring. It’s for the electricity that makes the lights work.”
“Hamma. Hamma!”
“No, they don’t use hammers on the wiring. That’s just for the walls, floors, and trim. Wherever they need to join things together with nails.”
Zoe felt a familiar swell of tenderness at overhearing this earnest little conversation. But, by the time she reached the top of the stairs, Adam was aware of her presence.
He was looking toward the entrance of the large open space when she walked in. She was glad to see that he was holding Logan on his hip, as she didn’t like her son to run around up here by himself. There were too many ways he could get hurt.
She smiled at the sight of Adam, looking handsome and casual in tan trousers and a black camp shirt, and Logan, who wore jeans and a blue t-shirt and held a toy hammer.
For his second birthday, Adam had gotten him a toddler work-bench and tool-set, since the boy had been so enthralled by the work upstairs.
Adam smiled back at her, his eyes warming in a way she just loved. And Logan, upon discovering her presence, cried out, “Momma, momma! Hamma room!”
“I know. This is where they've been d
oing all the hammering. Pretty soon, they’ll be all done, and we’ll have a brand new room in our house.”
All of the new plumbing for the bathroom, the electrical work, the floors, and now the drywall had been completed. The top floor had had almost no windows, so they’d put in several, after getting approval for changing the exterior of a building in a historical district.
“Find anything this afternoon?” Adam asked, still carrying Logan as they walked downstairs.
“Nah. We were mostly just looking around. What did you all do?”
Logan had been listening in on this conversation. And, when they got downstairs and Adam lowered him to the ground, he declared, carefully articulating each word as if signifying the importance of the pronouncement, “Un-cla Lala play ball!”
Zoe’s eyes widened. “Uncle Adam played ball with you?”
Logan clapped his hands. “Park!”
“You went to the park to play ball with Uncle Adam? That sounds like fun.” She slid her eyes over to Adam, who was assuming a pose of disinterest that made her laugh.
Upon verifying that this piece of information was properly appreciated, Logan rediscovered the hammer in his hand and ran over to play with his new tool-set and workbench.
She stepped over to give Adam a soft kiss on the side of his mouth. “I’m going to change clothes. I’ll be back in a minute.”
She’d put on something decent to go shopping with Jane, but it wasn't what she wanted to wear all evening. So she went up to her room to change into a stretchy top and yoga pants and, when she came back down, Logan was still playing with his tools and Adam was on the couch tapping something on his smart phone.
With a sigh of pleasure, she lowered herself onto the couch beside him.
“Anything going on?” she asked, since he hadn't looked up from his phone.
He shook his head. “No.” He finished whatever he was typing and slid the smart phone into his pocket. “Oh, I did hear that they’re coming out tomorrow to finish installing the new security system.”
“Okay. Sounds good.”
Zoe, naturally, already had a basic security system in the house. But, when she’d started the renovations, Adam had suggested she upgrade. Zoe hadn’t really thought it was necessary, but there was no reason not to be as safe as she and Logan could be, so she’d let Adam work with security professionals to design a better system for her house.
When she let herself think about it, she was a little hurt that Adam was putting such effort into fixing up her house. She knew that was his nature. He liked to take care of people, and he threw himself whole-heartedly into anything he did.
But, still, their relationship was going so well. Yes, they’d only been dating for six months, but it had been a good six months. And she assumed—at least she hoped—that eventually they might move in together. Maybe even get married.
But Adam was acting as if she’d be living in this house for a long time, as if he had no plans for her to ever move in with him.
She would hate to leave her beloved house, but Adam’s apartment had been in his family for generations and was one of the most desirable properties in the city. And the truth was that Adam and possibly building a life with him and Logan was more important to Zoe than her house.
So it was a little disappointing that such a step wasn't even on his radar.
They hadn’t been together for all that long, though. And it had only been three months since they’d admitted they loved each other.
She could be patient.
“They suggested a few additional upgrades to the security,” Adam said, leaning back against the sofa, as if he were finally relaxing. “It’s not a bad idea. They’re here.” He handed her a sheet of paper.
Zoe frowned as she read it. “Seriously? Do you really think I need all of this?”
He gave a shrug. “I know it sounds extreme, but I have most of those in my security system for the apartment. You should think about it.”
“That’s crazy. I don’t need all of this,” she said, a little sharply.
He gave another shrug and didn’t reply.
“It’s just me and Logan here, and I’m sure all of this is going to cost a fortune. We’ll be plenty safe without it.”
She tried to temper her tone, since she knew it was a little shrill, but she was deeply disappointed that Adam was pushing this particular suggestion.
Renovating the top floor was a good investment in the property. It would help her when she was ready to sell the house. But this complex security system wouldn’t.
Which implied that Adam had no intention of having them move in with him any time in the near future.
Adam’s expression had gotten stiff and a little distant, clearly signaling that her tone had been too harsh. Now both sharply disappointed and feeling guilty for overreacting, Zoe continued in a modified tone, “I mean, I know why it’s a good idea for you. But it’s just me and Logan here, and I just don’t think we need it.”
“All right,” Adam murmured, perfectly composed. “It was just a suggestion.”
He pulled out his smart phone again. Maybe it had vibrated with a new text or email. Or maybe he was just looking for a distraction.
Zoe sighed and got up. “You want any coffee or anything?”
He shook his head with a murmured thanks, but didn’t look up from his phone.
She’d hurt his feelings by rejecting his suggestion, by rebuffing his attempt to take care of her. As she walked into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee, she felt kind of depressed. But she wasn’t sure what else she could have done.
Adam had hurt her feelings a little bit too.
She gave herself a firm, silent lecture as she stood in front of the coffee pot. She was probably reading too much into things. Men didn’t think like women did. Just because Adam had gotten it into his head that she and Logan would be safer with that security system didn’t mean he would never want them to live with him.
Things were going really well between them. She knew Adam was happier than he’d been in such a long time. Maybe happier than he’d ever been in his life. She knew it.
So she wouldn’t blow small things like this out of proportion.
She felt better when she returned to the living room, where she saw Logan had crawled up next to Adam. He stood against the back of the couch, looking down at Adam’s face.
“What’s the matter, buddy?” she asked. “Did you want to say something to Uncle Adam?”
Logan spoke a lot better now, except when he was emotional. Right now, he babbled something not quite comprehensible and reached out to pat Adam’s face.
“What is it?” Adam asked, little lines between his brows. He stretched an arm out to support Logan's back, since he was looking a little wobbly.
Logan reached out again and rubbed the skin of Adam’s forehead, still jabbering but not forming clear words.
Her son seemed upset about something, so Zoe sat down next to him. She tried to pull him onto her lap, but Logan resisted, clinging to Adam’s shoulder. “Try to tell me what it is, Logan,” she said gently. “Talk slowly.”
“Un-cla Lala,” Logan said, his little face wrinkled with worry. He rubbed Adam’s forehead again. Then turned to Zoe with wide, earnest eyes. “Sad.”
Enlightenment washed over Zoe. “Did you think Uncle Adam was sad? I don’t think he’s sad.”
“No, I’m not sad,” Adam assured the little boy, who was still looking very upset. “I was working on a serious problem,” he explained, holding up his smart phone by way of explanation. “But I wasn’t sad.”
When Logan didn’t look convinced, Adam smiled, smoothing out the lines on his brow. And he reached over and pulled the boy into a hug. This seemed to satisfy Logan enough to make him smile. And then Zoe scooped him up into her lap.
“Did you want to stay for dinner?” Zoe asked lightly, glancing at her watch as she cuddled Logan with one arm. “I’m going to have to feed Logan in about a half-hour.”
&n
bsp; Adam hesitated for a moment. Then shook his head. “I might just take off. I have an early meeting.”
Zoe was disappointed and hoped he wasn't still bothered by their earlier conversation. He felt a little distant right now in a way that made her worry, but he never spent the night on Sunday evenings, and often he wouldn't stay for dinner. Just because she wanted him around as much as possible didn't mean that it was necessarily convenient for Adam. He loved her. And he loved Logan. But he was also a man who’d had his own space for many, many years. So all she said was, “Okay.”
“Un-cla Lala eat,” Logan said, making it clear he’d been listening to their conversation.
“No. Uncle Adam is going home, so he won’t eat with us tonight.” This piece of news provoked a frown in Logan, so Zoe tried to distract him. “Were you done playing with your tools?”
Remembering his much-beloved tools, Logan scrambled down off her lap and ran back over to them. Zoe scooted over closer to Adam. “You okay?” she asked, very softly.
Adam had gone back to his smart phone, but he looked up at her words and gave her a little smile. “I’m fine.”
She reached out and cupped his cheek. “Are you lying to me?” She knew him too well to be convinced that everything was all right, and he was still working through his long-held pattern of holding back.
He opened his mouth to give an automatic denial, but then he closed it again. After a long release of breath, he admitted, “I’m trying to think through something. Can I tell you later?”
“How much later?”
“Not long.” His face had softened, relaxed a little.
Zoe nodded. “Okay,” she whispered, leaning over to kiss him.
He kissed her back, reaching an arm around her to pull her even closer.
“I love you,” she murmured, as they pulled out of the kiss.
He leaned his forehead against hers for just a moment. “I love you too. So much.”
“You know I’m going to be waiting to hear what’s going on,” she warned him. She was actually feeling better, since at least he’d admitted that something was bothering him, even though he hadn’t actually told her what it was yet.
She didn't think it could be too bad, since he hadn't been brooding much lately.
