by Trio, L. M.
“Well, if you want to hear, you’ll have to get back in.” I lean over to open the door.
Hesitantly, she gets in. She keeps the door slightly ajar, making it clear that she is not planning on staying long.
“You have to know, I am filled with so much regret over the way I handled things.” I look into her eyes with my hand over my heart. “If I could go back, I would never let even one day pass without talking things out with you. I should have leaned on you, let you take care of me. I was such a wreck, I couldn’t think clearly. I know you would have been strong for me. I would have asked you to wait. No, I would have expected you to wait. I think if we talked it through, we could have made it work.
You would have left for USF as planned. That wouldn’t have been an option. I would have pounded it in your head until you realized how upset it made me to hear you say you were going to give up your scholarship. It would have killed me, knowing that you gave it up. I think I should have trusted you enough to know that you would have listened to me if we talked about it reasonably, but I never gave you that chance… I’m sorry. We could have written, talked on the phone, been there for each other.
Anyway, that’s the way I like to think I would handle it if I had the chance for a do-over. To be honest, JJ, if I knew then that I would have been out in less than two years, I know we definitely could have handled it, but the only numbers I heard back then were three to five. Five years, now that would have been hard. How could I have asked you to wait for five years?”
She sits there a second, absorbing what I have said. “I also would like to think we would have been fine if we stuck together. We could have done the five if we had to.” She looks at me with regret, giving me a forced smile.
“Probably,” I tell her, brushing the back of my hand along her cheek.
Without saying another word, she pushes the door open and gets out. The knot in the pit of my stomach is so tight, I can barely swallow. It’s a mixture of a dream and nightmare. The fact that I was able to see her and touch her once more is a dream. The thought of never being able to do it again is a nightmare.
Chapter 12(Deanna)
Mya is curled up on the couch, sleeping. I was just about to nod off, myself, when I hear the creaking sound of the front door opening. I immediately jump from the chair and wrap my arms around JJ. I was so worried about her and am glad that she is home safe.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, clinging to her. “Are you okay?” I grab her hand and lead her to the chair. She sits uneasily on the arm as I take a seat beside her.
“I think so. It was something we needed to do. I’m glad he found me and made me listen,” JJ says with a strained smile.
“You’re soaked.” I notice.
“I know. I don’t think either of us realized it was raining.”
Mya sits up, rubbing her eyes. “Hey, Jess… I didn’t hear you come in. I was worried about you. I told him where he could find you,” she confesses guiltily.
“It’s okay, Mya. I’m glad you did, we needed to talk. I don’t think either one of us would’ve ever been able to truly move forward without having that talk. Thanks.”
“What are you saying, you didn’t work things out?” Mya asks.
JJ glances at me. She can see the disappointment in my face. She gives me a partial smile. “I wish it was that easy. I’m not sure we can ever get back what we lost, or if I’d ever want to. I don’t know what to feel. It was a lot to take in.”
“How did you leave things?” I ask.
She pauses, as if she almost forgets how they left things. “I guess we both said what we needed to say. We cried, we held each other, we listened. Then, he brought me home.”
“Oh,” I say, feeling disheartened. I guess I was hoping for a different outcome.
“What was it like, seeing him after all of this time?” Mya asks.
“I went through a lot of emotions.” She laughs. “At first, I was so angry. All I could see was the pain that he caused me. Then, I was overcome with… relief. He’s finally home and he’s okay.” She smiles at me and squeezes my hand. “And then of course, there’s sadness, remembering what we lost.”
A tear escapes my eye as I listen to her talk. I love my brother and I know the extent of his punishment, and I don’t mean by the justice system. He punished himself far more than he deserved. Giving her up nearly destroyed him; and to think they may never get back what they lost, breaks my heart. They need each other. However, I also love her. I know what it did to her thinking she lost him. It was the second time someone she loved suddenly was ripped away from her. I give her space so that she has time to absorb everything.
***
(Jesse)
I’m exhausted, not to mention soaked and wet. I don’t even have the energy to stay up and talk any longer so I retreat to my room, looking forward to climbing in my bed and processing the night. My mind races in a million directions.
As I rub my tired, swollen eyes, I spot the shoebox on my bed. I quickly change into my pajamas and blow my hair dry. Poking my head out of my room, I ask Deanna if she is coming to bed. A day bed is set up in my room for Deanna when she visits. However, tonight she insists on staying on the couch. She knows me well, realizing I need the time to myself.
I open my window wide, allowing the cool air and what is left of the storm to fill my room. I climb in my bed, resting the shoebox on my stomach as I slowly lift the lid from the box. There inside is a neatly stacked pile of yellow-lined paper, folded and rubber-banded together. Each letter is dated at the top of the page. I start with the letter on top, dated the day he left:
JJ,
I don’t even know where to start. Last night was a mess. I’m afraid to know what you must think of me right now. I was trashed, I wasn’t thinking straight. I know it’s no excuse, but I swear I was heading home to see you. Ask Mikey. I had more than enough. Mikey was getting me out of there when I spotted Blake with his arm around you. He pushed me out the door, but once outside, I completely lost it. Again, it’s no excuse, but I was drunk. I kept thinking I wasn’t even gone and you already moved on. I know that isn’t the case. I know you. I was feeling sorry for myself and looking for an excuse to be pissed off. I wish I would have listened to Mikey and went home, but I wanted to take my anger out on someone and I’m sorry it was you. I did the worst thing I could possibly do. I’m sure you know, it was nothing, SHE’S NOTHING! As soon as we got to my house, I told her the only person I ever want to be with is you. I told her she needed to go, that I would never be with her, and… she left. Nothing happened… NOTHING! You are it for me. I could never be with anyone, but you.
Last night, I wanted you to hate me. You need to move on, but now I don’t want you to. Is that selfish of me? I don’t want you to leave me. My mind is so messed up right now. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe I didn’t get to say goodbye to you. I hate myself for what I did to you. I thought about jumping out of the car to come see you this morning before I left, but I was too afraid to see the disappointment in your eyes for what I did. I can’t believe I’m actually here. My dad and Mikey brought me in this morning. They looked as bad as I felt. I ruined everyone’s life, not just mine. I’m so sorry, please forgive me. Please write me. I love you always, Luke.
I sit here, reading this letter over and over. This one letter could have changed everything. I would have seen things so differently and so much hurt could have been prevented for both of us. A tear escapes my eye. I would have forgiven him for that night, if only he mailed this letter.
I stay up and read every letter at least twice, feeling all of the emotions he’s feeling at the time he wrote each letter. He goes through so many ups and downs, mostly downs. I cry, thinking about how hard it must have been for him and I realize how alone he felt. I regret letting so much time pass and not being there to support him. If only I knew.
I feel as if what I went through the last couple of years is nothing in comparison to what he experienced on a daily basis
. He pushed everyone he loved away, thinking he was causing them less pain. I kept everyone close, letting them help me through.
He wrote often, sometimes it was a page or two, sometimes just a paragraph. Even on his worst days, he never blamed me. Each letter ends with the same closing, that I am his reason for making it through each day, looking towards the day we will be together again.
Finally, after a long, exhausting night, I drift into a restless sleep, surrounded by his letters.
***
(Luke)
I’m not sure if I should drive home or go straight to the hospital. I feel as if I’m having a heart attack after I drop JJ off at her apartment. As soon as I watch her walk through the doors into the lobby, the palpitations really kick in. I wait an extra ten minutes before pulling away, just in case she comes back out.
My head spins round and round, replaying the evening over and over. I hope I said everything I wanted to say to her. The more I think about it, the more I worry that things didn’t go the way I hoped. She didn’t give me much to go on. I can’t get a good feel on what she may be thinking. Now that I finally had a chance to hold her and kiss her lips, I know I will never let her go again. She’s gonna have to learn to love me again. There’s no way around it, I decide.
Mikey and David are sitting at the kitchen table when I arrive home. They’re anxious to see how it went, especially David. I know he’s hoping he made the right decision by allowing me to go after her.
“I’m not sure,” I say in response to their question. “I think it went okay. At least I got to say what I wanted, and I think she did the same. What comes next is up to her.” I shrug. That is such a lie and I know it. If I don’t hear from her soon, then what comes next is gonna be up to me.
“How did she seem?” David asks.
“She seemed okay. She didn’t say much… just listened mostly.”
“She’ll come around,” Mikey says.
“She needs time, Luke,” David adds sternly.
“I know… I know. I’m not going to push. It’s her move,” I agree, lying again, not sure if I will really be able to keep that promise. “What are you still doing here?” I ask David, looking up at the clock and realizing the time.
“I didn’t want to call her, so I figured I’d wait to hear from you.”
I convince David to stay the night so he doesn’t have to drive home in the stormy weather. I offer him my room since I’m too wound up to sleep. Stepping out onto the back patio and lying down on the lounge chair, I watch the storm as it moves out over the bay. The sound of the storm and the water crashing against the seawall settles me enough that I finally fall asleep.
Chapter 13(Deanna)
Morning comes quick, and I have to get ready to leave for the airport. I hate that I have to leave when I feel so needed here. I tap quietly on JJ’s door.
“Hi, are you up?” I whisper, taking a peek in her room.
“Come in. I didn’t really sleep much,” she replies, surrounded by a hundred pieces of yellow-lined paper.
“Are you okay?” I ask as she neatly stacks the letters into a pile.
She carefully places them into a box and pats the bed beside her for me to sit. I reach out to her and we throw our arms around each other. We cry for the millionth time in the last two days until we finally start to laugh.
“Why are you laughing?” I ask, while laughing myself.
“Because I am so much work, how can you stand me?” she replies, wiping the tears from her eyes.
“No, you’re not. How are you feeling?”
“De, it’s so complicated. I’m confused. I will never love anyone the way I love Luke. When I saw him, I just wanted to run to him and forget everything else. It’s scary, ya know? I have this other life now and I’m not sure if I want to walk away from it. It’s scary needing someone so much and when they leave, it kills. It takes so much out of you just to get up in the morning and move on. I can’t go through that again. What if something happens to Luke? What if he breaks his arm and can’t play baseball and goes off the deep end again and pushes me away? I can’t risk losing him again.”
“So now you’re going to play it safe, just be content with the life you chose, be with someone that you care about… but not too much? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Well, when you put it like that, it doesn’t sound so good.”
“Ya think?” I say sarcastically. “JJ, that doesn’t make sense. Why do your what if’s have to be something bad? What if you give Luke another chance and you live the life you both planned and want. What if you’re so happy, you have lots of kids and you grow old together and what if it’s the best choice you ever made?”
“That’s a dream, but the reality is, I always seem to have a dark cloud over my head. I need time to think. I can’t just jump back in. Do you understand?”
“Forget the damn, dark cloud. Take the time that you need, and honestly, in the end, I think you are going to make the best decision for you.”
We end the conversation there for now. I can tell she is in deep thought as she gets ready for class and I get ready to head to the airport.
“Hey, did you and Mikey make plans to settle your bet?” she asks, attempting to lighten the mood. I had told her about the bet Mikey and I had made before all of the drama took place.
I laugh. “No. With everything that happened, we never had a chance to discuss it.”
“I’m sure he’s not going to let you off that easy. He’s going to collect,” she teases. “The question is what are you going to do about it when he does?”
“I’m sure he’ll forget all about it by the next time I see him.”
“We’ll see.” She winks at me.
Sooner than I would have liked, we hear the cab beeping out front of her apartment. JJ walks me out and we say our goodbyes as I climb into the back seat of the cab.
Before I close the door, she calls out to me. “De, do you think he’s back? I mean… Do you think he’s the same Luke as before? Some of his letters were really dark, not like him. He seemed so lost.”
“I do, JJ, I swear. He’s worked really hard. If I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t have agreed for him to see you. I wouldn’t put you through that,” I answer, closing the door and blowing her a kiss. I feel somewhat better as I pull away. At least I know she is rationalizing the situation.
***
(Jesse)
I walk a few extra blocks today before catching the bus to school. I’m hoping to clear my head so that I can focus in class. As I walk across the campus grounds, my phone rings. “Hello?”
“Hey, what’s up?” Mikey asks.
“Bout to walk into class,” I answer, cutting him short.
“You mad at me?”
“I know where you’re loyalty lies. It’s fine,” I answer sarcastically.
“JJ, don’t be like that… I’ve been loyal to both of you.”
“I know. I’m not mad,” I answer, letting him off the hook.
“So, what do you think?”
“Mikey, please… I’m sure you talked to him.”
“I talked to him, not you. I’m asking you.”
By now, I’ve reached my class, but instead of going in, I find a quiet spot under a palm tree and sit down, leaning against it. “I don’t know what to think. What am I supposed to do? It took me a long time to get here, to be okay without him. What if he does this to me again?”
“He won’t.”
“I don’t know if I’m willing to take that risk.”
“J, you don’t need me to tell you that you’re not the happiest person in the world. The last time you really had fun, laughed and were really happy was when you were with him.”
“That’s the point. What if he’s different? I think I’m different, what if he doesn’t like the person I’ve become?”
“That’s true. You’re boring,” he teases.
“Screw you. Not funny.” He makes me laugh, despite feeling so unnerved.
“I’m joking. JJ, I swear, he’s one hundred percent the same guy you remember. A few months ago, I talked him out of seeing you, to protect you. See, I am loyal, but really, he was a quack. I didn’t know how he was going to turn out. I actually thought he was going to work for the McKnaulty’s for the rest of his life, mowing lawns, hating himself and being mad at the world. He worked really hard at getting his life back. Getting his self respect back and the only person he cares who notices is you.”
His honesty makes me tear up, again. “I don’t know. What about Frank?”
“JJ, I like Frank, you know that. He’s a good guy, but honestly, he’s not for you.”
“Are you saying that because of—”
He cuts me off before I finish. “No, I’m not. I know you. He’s a good friend to you, but nothing more, right?” He calls me on my feelings for Frank. I don’t answer, I don’t have to, Mikey knows. “Look, I don’t think you should jump right back in with Luke. You need to be certain for yourself. Spend some time with him, you know, talk. See how it goes.”
I’m quiet while I contemplate his advice. “I better go, I’m late for class.”
“That’s right, sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you. Honestly, I just called to check in with you this morning. I didn’t mean to sit here and plead his case with you.”
“It’s okay, I’m glad you were honest. Good luck tonight. I’m working so I can’t make it,” I say, referring to his game. It’s game three of the series; we’re up by two.
***
I find it impossible to concentrate while in class. I have so much to think about and, on top of everything else, I owe Frank an explanation. He deserves the truth. I care for him as a friend, but seeing Luke makes me realize that’s all there is between us. He is worthy of someone that will love him in the way he deserves. I know my love for Luke will prevent me from ever loving anyone else completely, yet I’m not convinced that we are meant to be together.
Later, I arrive at the gallery for my shift. Jazz is sitting at her desk doing paperwork when I pop my head in to say hello. After a couple of agonizing hours of anticipating his arrival, I finally break down and ask Jazz where he is while casually glancing over to see her reaction.
