by Rae Kennedy
* * *
I have been sitting on my bed for what seems like hours. Maybe it has only been minutes. I don’t know. When I came in here, I put on the first thing laying on top of my hamper, pacing my floor like a lunatic. Frantic thoughts filling my head. What are they doing? Is Tuck going to hurt Cade? Oh my god, this is all my fault. I should have told Tuck earlier. Explained. I can still explain. He will understand. I will make him understand. It will be okay. Everything will be okay.
But now, I don’t know. I don’t know anything. At first, there was yelling. Then muffled voices. Now, silence. It’s been quiet for a while. I have been staring at the same imaginary spot on the back of my door since the stillness came. Sitting with Cade’s comforter around me. Waiting.
The door opens.
Cade appears in the doorway. He is dressed.
I have never felt so relieved in my life. I jump off the bed and run to him, arms open. I just want to hold him against me, apologize for Tuck’s awful behavior, and feel his warmth.
But as I reach him and try to throw my arms around him, he catches them in both of his hands, holding them firmly at my sides—and away from him.
He barely looks at me. “We need to talk.”
A wave of ice-cold dread falls through my body from the center of my skull to the heels of my feet.
We sit across from each other on my bed. Cade keeps his distance.
“Haley.” He looks right at me. His perfect pink lips in a pout, almost quiver. A little line forms between his eyebrows. He swallows like his throat is constricted. “It’s over.”
What? I want to respond but I can’t. I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can’t think. What does he mean ‘it’s over?’
I don’t know if it’s the way I’m looking at him or if he’s trying to hide his own face, but he looks away. “It was never going to work between us. I’m sorry I put you through this.”
What. The. Fuck. Is. Happening?
I snap out of my stupor.
“No.” I shake my head. I do not accept this. This is not over. “I will talk to Tuck. It will be fine. I promise.”
“It doesn’t matter. He’s right. I’m not good enough for you.”
“He said that?”
Cade doesn’t respond. He just looks down. “He knows who I really am.”
“The fuck he does. If he knew you like I do, he wouldn’t think that. Ever.”
Cade is quiet for a minute. Studying something on the wall before he looks back at me. His eyes wrench my stomach. “Do you know why I’ve never kept a girlfriend?”
“Cade, I don’t care—"
“Because I’ve never been faithful.” He face has become like stone. Jaw clenched. But his eyes might as well be bleeding.
“Your past doesn’t matter to me, Cade. I know who you are, now.”
“I’m a selfish prick. I am no good for you.” He says it with such conviction. He truly believes what he is saying. “It’s better this way. I only ever hurt the people I love.” He gets up to leave, turning for the door. I grab his hand before he is out of reach. He is still turned away from me, but he grasps my hand, tightly.
“I know you’ve screwed up, but you’re not that guy anymore.”
He runs his other hand through his hair, gripping his fingers in it like he is going to rip his scalp off. He squeezes my hand. It shakes as he speaks. “I meant it when I said I hoped you would be with a guy who would treat you the way you deserve. That guy just isn’t me.”
“Why? Who says it’s not?”
“It’s just not.”
We stand there, holding hands, desperately, for another minute. Then he lets go. And leaves. He doesn’t look back. My eyesight starts to blur and I can feel the tears trembling in my lids.
I am stunned. I am looking through my open door. Where he just...left.
Cade left. He left me. I still don’t understand what happened. This can’t be real.
I hear the front door slam. Then it sinks in—Cade is leaving. Right now he is leaving. No! I won’t let this happen. I need to fight.
I run out of my room and around to the front door. I can see the back of Cade’s black leather jacket through the window outside on the porch. He’s right there. Just on the other side of the door. He’s still so close to me. I need to get to him. I grab the door handle just as two large hands fasten around my waist. Tuck pulls me away from the door. I twist and writhe away from him, prying his fingers off me and this time I get a good grip on the lever. I can see Cade walking down the front path toward his car parked on the street.
“Cade!” I scream at him. “Wait!”
This time Tuck wraps both of his arms around my waist and pulls me. My whole body is up in the air as he tries to take me away from the door, but I have the handle and I’m not letting go. Tuck yanks me hard. I am kicking at him, twisting and thrashing so he will let me go.
“Stop!” I push down on the lever and when Tuck pulls me again the door swings open. Cade is at his car. “Cade, please!” The tears are streaming down like a faucet. The cold air hits the wetness on my face. I can’t breathe. I kick Tuck in the shins, scratch his arms, elbow his ribs, twist, scream. I am screaming. “Don’t go!” I am sobbing. I know he can hear me. He doesn’t turn around. “Please, come back.”
He gets in his car.
The sobs wrack my body. I can’t see him anymore. I try to cry out to him again, but the sounds that come out are undecipherable. Primal. His brake lights turn on. I am no longer fighting Tuck. Cade’s shiny black car rolls forward. At first it seems to move in slow motion but then I hear the engine groan and he is gone.
I go limp. Tuck lets me go and I almost fall to the floor. I feel like crumbling in on myself, like becoming nothing but a heap of dust.
I barely register Tuck’s deep voice behind me. “You’ll thank me one day.”
Everything that just happened condenses into a little ball in my stomach and then sets itself on fire. A white-hot rage burns in my cheeks. I turn and punch Tuck right in the neck. He doesn’t move. His expression is set. I hit him again in the arm. The chest. His stomach. I punch him with both hands. I hit him as hard as I can. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t say anything. I don’t seem to be hurting him which only frustrates me more. I want him to hurt. I want him to know what I’m feeling. That I’m breaking and he did this to me. I start screaming as I punch him.
“You had no right to do that! I HATE YOU!” Tears still streak my face and my eyes are so wet and puffy I can barely see. Tuck is a blurry punching bag. “I. HATE. YOU.” I say each word with as much force as I can muster. He just takes it in silence. I am bawling and exhausted. I am weak. My hits barely make contact. Tuck picks me up and carries me to my room. I can’t fight or speak. Only cry.
He lays me on my bed. I don’t look at him. He leaves me alone and shuts the door behind him.
My cries have turned silent but they still wrack my body. I pull the comforter up over my face.
Cade’s comforter. It smells like him.
* * *
I’ve been sitting here for hours. I only know this because the hazy gray sky out my window has started to dissolve into a charcoal one. My tears have stopped. I am empty. Maybe more will come tomorrow. I stare out the window. I am wrapped in his comforter. My skin feels tight where the tears have dried.
A large white tuft of snow meanders down to the ground. It glows against the black sky. Another white fluff floats down and lands on my window sill. I watch as the snow wisps across my window. It falls slowly. Silently. Peacefully.
The snow has stopped. The dusting of white on the ground reflects the light from the moon. Beyond the white, there is only black. Only black.
I have not slept. Have I even blinked? Surely I have. I cannot recall.
I look away from the window for the first time all day. My neck is tight and aches when I turn. The clock says 3:22. It’s 3:22 in the fucking morning. Less than twenty-four hours ago Cade and I were in his bed, making love. My eyes are so
re. My back is stiff and my ass is asleep. Good for it. Maybe I should try to get some sleep too.
The idea of sleep, of going away for a while sounds wonderful. But I can’t. I lay down and instantly the aloneness hits me. I close my eyes and I see him. I wonder where he is. What he’s doing. What he’s thinking, how he’s feeling. I have to open my eyes again to get the thoughts to go away. I sit up. I need to focus on something else.
I am staring out the window again.
The clock says 5:19.
I get up and go to the bathroom. I don’t look at myself in the mirror.
When I step out into the hall, I am face-to-face with his door. I open it. There is his bed, stripped of the comforter, everything else is the same. Nothing out of place.
I drag his comforter from my room and crawl onto his bed. I curl in a ball and cocoon the comforter around me. It smells like body wash and running water and his skin... And I sleep.
CHAPTER 20
My eyelids flutter against the bright sunlight on my pillow. I inhale deeply. Cade. Cade’s pillow. It’s soft and wraps my face in his glorious scent. I stretch across the bed, expecting to feel him next to me. The bed is empty, but I hear a noise coming from the kitchen. He is making us food, of course. I smile into the mattress and open my eyes.
Then it hits me. It’s two in the afternoon because I’ve slept all day. Because I didn’t sleep all night. Because he’s gone. I’m alone. And he’s not coming back.
* * *
I sleep only with that comforter for the next two weeks. I don’t do much of anything else.
The mornings are the worst. That second when I first wake up and I don’t feel the hurt. Then it comes back all at once.
The smell of him all around me, as I lie in his bed, is simultaneously soothing and devastating.
The thought of food makes me want to vomit.
I don’t go to classes. I might have missed a quiz. I don’t care.
I manage to finish and email in two papers that are due before the break. They are terrible. I get Cs on both.
I don’t talk to Tuck.
The comforter doesn’t smell like him anymore.
I miss him. Both of them.
* * *
The drive to Grandma Netty’s house for Thanksgiving is long and silent. I stare out the window and Tuck keeps his eyes straight ahead, jaw set, one hand on the steering wheel and the other resting lightly on his knee.
Grandma Netty is our dad’s mom. I call her Nenee. She insisted we come to her house. It will be the first time the whole family is together since I started college. And since Mom started dating Gary.
Ugh. Gary. He’s not a bad guy or anything, he’s just...so...blah. His personality is beige. And his two kids are so weird. God, I hope they won’t be there. Mom’s oblivious to my feelings about him, just as she is oblivious to most of my feelings or anything going on in my life. Not that she asks.
The only person I am here for is Nenee. She reminds me of Dad. Always smiling and willing to throw in her opinion—asked for or not. She smells like coffee and cinnamon and face powder.
When we arrive, I hop out of the truck and Grandma Netty is already hugging Tuck around the waist tightly. She barely comes up past his bellybutton. She makes him bend down so she can smack a kiss on both of his cheeks. When I come around the truck, she pulls me in with her. There’s no use protesting, even though I do not want to hug Tuck. My face is smashed against his side and he puts his arm around me. It’s the first time we’ve touched since I literally tried to beat the shit out of him.
When we go inside, the most wonderful smells of turkey and butter and gravy fill the house and I wish the smells could take me back in time. Back to the memories they evoke of me running around in my new polka dot dress, hair a jungle of curls, one shoe missing to who-knows-where.
“Oh, hey, guys.” Mom acknowledges us but she doesn’t get up from her seat next to Gary.
Gary pushes his glasses up his long, straight nose. “Hello.” Then he turns back toward Mom. I don’t know how he manages to be so boring and get on my nerves just sitting there. Thankfully, it appears his kids are staying with their mother.
Nenee asks me to help her finish the pies while the others watch football. I try to roll out some dough, but I feel lethargic. And it’s so stiff and hard to roll. Nenee takes over and I sit down at the counter, but not before she clicks her tongue at me, her light gray curls staying unnaturally still atop her head as she charges her large rolling pin forth.
“What’s going on, young lady?”
“Nothing, Nenee. I’m just burned out from school.”
She transfers the dough to a pie plate and then places one flour-covered hand on her hip. “Like hell. You never have trouble with school.” She points at me. “And you have never not gotten along with your brother.”
I rear my head back. “How did you know?”
“Oh, I could tell the second you two arrived something wasn’t right. Now, spill it.”
So I tell her. I tell her about Cade. And I tell her about Tuck.
She listens to me quietly as she fills the pies to the brim, covers them with more dough, crimps, the edges, and cuts three slits into each top.
It takes me three pies worth to finish talking.
She shakes her head slowly. “You’re a grown-ass woman. Don’t let your brother interfere with your love life. If you want this young man, go get him. But make up with your brother. Family is family.”
She’s right. Like always. As I sit and think about it, I realize how exhausting it has been being mad at Tuck. And I can’t ignore the thought that has been a constant sting in my head the last two weeks—Tuck told Cade to leave, but Cade is the one who left.
* * *
Just before dinner, I sneak into the bathroom. I call Cade. It goes to voicemail. I hang up. I text him instead. I sit on the edge of the tub bouncing my knee erratically waiting for a response. Nothing. I keep waiting. Staring at my phone. I have now been in the bathroom an unusually long amount of time and I am risking drawing attention to myself. I half expect Grandma Netty to come knocking on the door any second to see if I need any Dulcolax. Still no reply.
So I go downstairs to the table just as everyone else sits and Nenee places the steaming bowl of mashed potatoes next to the turkey.
As Tuck carves the huge bird, a little buzz vibrates against my leg. I slide my phone out of my pocket, keeping it hidden under the tablecloth and try to discreetly look at the screen.
Cade: I just can’t
It’s like a bowling ball smashes my chest.
The food gets passed around and I fill my plate with the standard expectation. I move the food around a bit, finally taking a bite of turkey. I know it is delicious and juicy but it might as well be sandpaper in my mouth. I push my plate away. Nenee notices.
My mother hasn’t stopped talking about her and Gary’s upcoming cruise. “The kids are so excited about the Bahamas but it will be weird to be somewhere tropical for Christmas—"
“You’re going to be gone for Christmas?” I hadn’t been paying attention.
“Mmhmm.” She nods happily and keeps talking about their off-ship excursion plans.
Another soft buzz resonates in my lap. I take a deep breath and look down.
Cade: I miss you too
I’m lightheaded and there’s a stinging in my eyelids that I need to get a hold of.
“May I be excused?”
Mom stops rambling to glance over at me. “Oh, don’t be silly, Haley. We just barely started eating—"
“Yes, you may,” Nenee chirps in, giving me a sharp nod.
* * *
The ride home so far has been just as silent as before. I’m trying to think of what to say. I don’t think I owe him an apology. An explanation? Probably. Everything I think feels weird in my mouth and I can’t get the words out.
Tuck lets out a long sigh. I look over at him. He looks tired. I realize he’s hurting too. However misguided, he loves me.
And I told him I hated him.
“You know I don’t hate you, right?” Those are the first words I’ve spoken to him in twelve days.
He turns his head toward me. A small, relieved smile turns at the corners of his mouth and suddenly some tension in his forehead that I hadn’t noticed was there disappears.
“I know, sis.”
“I still don’t think you had any right to do what you did. You’re not Dad.”
His face hardens. I know that jab was low. But he stays calm.
“Hale, don’t get me started on Cade. You don’t know the half of it.”
“I know all I need to. Anyway, that doesn’t matter when you care about someone.”
Tuck is still for a minute.
“You two weren’t just screwing?” His face twists as he says it.
My eyes bulge wide at his words. “Yeah, because that sounds like me, right?”
“No, I guess it doesn’t.”
“You guess?”
“But he’s still not good enough for you.”
“That is not your decision to make,” I snap back.
“You’re probably right, but that’s not how I felt in the moment.” He sighs heavily. “I’m sorry for how I handled it.”
I stare at the phone in my lap. Only a black screen since Cade’s last text.
* * *
When we get home, I go to crawl into Cade’s bed. I open his door and I’m blindsided. His bed is gone. His desk, his dresser, his pictures...all gone. The emptiness of the room rivals how I feel inside. Just when I thought I couldn’t get any hollower.
I sleep in his room on the floor all the same.
When I wake up in the morning, my shoulder is stiff and there’s a crick in my neck but I don’t care. I grab my phone and then I see it.
A missed call. From Cade.
He called me last night at 2:06 am. My heart is racing, and my cheeks are hot. My fingers are shaking and feel like they are not attached to my brain as I hit the return call button on the third try. I bring my phone to my ear, holding my breath.
