by Beth Wiseman
“Mary Ellen, you don’t know that. I’m sure this is hard on her too.”
She clenched her lips tight and bit back words that the Lord would surely not approve of.
Abe turned toward the door when he heard the clippety-clop of hooves, then stood up and walked to the threshold. Mary Ellen followed him and together they peered through the screen. They watched Linda walk up the driveway, then hop barefoot across the cobblestone steps that crossed the yard. When she reached the porch steps, she closed the distance between her and her parents and smiled. A smile that quickly faded. She stopped on the other side of the screen, facing them. No one moved or said anything for a few seconds.
“What’s wrong?” Linda’s brows narrowed, and she glanced back and forth between Mary Ellen and Abe.
Mary Ellen pushed the screen door open and motioned Linda inside. “Linda, we need to talk to you.”
4
LINDA SCOOTED PAST HER PARENTS AND INTO THE kitchen and wondered if she’d done something wrong. She was a little late to help prepare supper, but it didn’t even look like Mamm had started yet. Her time with Stephen at the old oak tree had helped to ease her worry about Jonas. It wasn’t just the few kisses they shared, although those would keep her up at night, but the deep conversation. Stephen’s faith seemed stronger than Linda’s, and he had a way of making her understand about God’s will, something that the Ordnung taught was not to be questioned. But when something bad happened, Linda tended to question the event just the same. She suspected that Stephen would follow in his grandfather’s footsteps someday and become the bishop. And hopefully, she’d be by his side as the bishop’s wife.
“What’s wrong?” she asked again when both her parents just stood off to one side of the kitchen, her mother’s face drawn into an expression of dread. Her father’s brows furrowed as he stroked his beard.
“Let’s go into the den.” Daed led the way, and Linda glanced at her mother as they followed him into the den, but Mamm just took a deep breath and kept her head down.
Linda sat down on the couch, and each of her parents took a seat in the rocking chairs across the coffee table from her. That was usually where they sat when they were reprimanding her or one of her brothers. Again, she tried to recall something she might have done to upset them.
“We have something to tell you, mei maedel, but first I want you to know how much your mamm and I love you. You are our daughter always.” Daed swallowed hard, and Linda’s chest tightened. Could something have happened to Jonas since she and Stephen left the hospital? She sat quietly and waited, but she noticed that her mother wouldn’t look at her.
“Your mamm and I tried to have kinner for almost two years before we—before you were born,” her father began. “We went to the natural doctor who sent us to an Englisch doctor in Lancaster. But I reckon no one could figure out why we couldn’t have a child.”
This seemed an inappropriate conversation, and Linda’s anxiety heightened as she wondered where her father was going with this. She sat up straight on the edge of the couch and folded her hands in her lap. Her mother had never talked with her about where babies came from; it just wasn’t a conversation that a mother would have with her daughter. These things were learned when a girl got married. But Linda’s Englisch girlfriends had educated her about the matter early on in her rumschpringe.
“We wanted a child so badly,” her mother chimed in. “A little one to love.” Mamm’s eyes filled with tears, and Linda tilted her head to one side and gazed at her forlorn expression. Then it hit her, and her embarrassment reddened her cheeks as she gasped.
“Do you think Stephen and I are—” She didn’t even know how to speak the words. “We would never. I kissed him, but that’s all.” Linda tucked her chin. “Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I know that won’t make a baby.” She looked up to see both her parents’ jaws simultaneously dropping.
“No, no,” her mother said as her cheeks took on their own rosy shade of red. “That’s not what we were thinking.”
“Then what is it? You’re scaring me.”
Her mother left the rocker and joined Linda on the couch. She grasped Linda’s hand tightly within hers, then looked intensely into Linda’s eyes as her own eyes clouded even more with tears. Mamm opened her mouth to speak, but sighed heavily instead and turned to Daed.
Her father leaned forward, put his elbows on his knees, and rested his chin on his hands. Linda’s heart was thumping so hard it was making her chest hurt. “When we couldn’t have a baby of our own, we were given another woman’s baby to raise. We signed papers that a lawyer wrote up.”
She didn’t understand. “What woman gave you a baby?” She glanced around the room. “And where is this baby?”
Mamm cupped Linda’s face with both hands. “You are that baby, mei maedel. I did not carry you in my womb. Another woman did. You’re adopted. The pretty woman that came to the house. She is your—your mother.”
Linda eased out of her mother’s grasp. “This can’t be so.” She turned to her father. “Daed, tell me this isn’t true.”
Her father left the rocker and bent on one knee in front of Linda. “You are our daughter. You will always be our daughter. Just because you do not carry our genes, it makes you no less our child. We love you, and that will never change. Do you understand?”
“No. I don’t.” She edged further away from both of them as her chest rose and fell with labored breaths. Tears threatened to spill, but she blinked them back. Too many unanswered questions. “Are you saying that the Englisch woman didn’t want me, so she gave me to you?”
“Linda, she was only seventeen years old at the time. Your age. She didn’t know how to care for a baby. And there was no father around or in the picture to help her.” Her mother reached out to her, but she jerked away.
A father. The sting continued to worsen. “Where is my father then?” She glanced up at the person she’d believed to be her father her entire life, and indeed her tears did spill over.
“I—I am your father, Linda. I will always be your father.” Daed swiped at his eyes, something Linda had never seen him do before. “As for the man whose genes you share, we do not know about him.”
Linda jumped from the couch and put her hands over her face. “Why are you telling me this now?” Her voice was elevated and cracked as she spoke. “Isn’t this something I should have known before now?”
“Ya.” Her mother stood up and walked to her. “Linda, please, try to understand. We made a mistake. We should have told you when you were younger, but it just didn’t matter to us. You have always been our daughter, and nothing was going to change that.”
Luke and Matthew. “Do Luke and Matthew know about this? I reckon they should be told too.”
Her father was now beside her mother on the couch, both of them with teary eyes. “We thought you should know first.” Daed sighed, his voice filled with anguish.
Linda swallowed hard and knew this would be difficult for Luke and Matthew. She looked at her parents. Parents? She’d never felt more lost than at this moment. Her thoughts momentarily trailed to the Englisch woman. No wonder Mamm was so upset. But she would need to be strong for her brothers, despite this complete lack of responsibility by her parents.
“I reckon Matt and Luke might not understand this either. When you tell them that they were adopted, they are going to take it even harder. How could you do this? How could you not tell us—”
Her father grabbed her arm gently. “No, no, Linda.” He shook his head. “Mei maedel, your brothers were not adopted.”
She wanted to run into her mother’s arms and beg her to say this wasn’t true, but Mamm only nodded in agreement, muttering how sorry they were.
Sobs of grief began to rack Linda, and she was having trouble breathing. “You mean, I don’t have any brothers either?” Dear Lord in heaven, do something. Please. This can’t be true. “But you said you couldn’t have any kinner of your own.”
“We didn’t think we could,
Linda, but we were able to have Luke and Matthew. We don’t know why, but the Lord graced us with the boys, and—”
“I’m not your daughter! I have no parents. I have no brothers.” Her sense of loss was suddenly beyond tears, quickly being replaced by anger. She backed away from her parents. “I have no one.”
“Linda, my beloved daughter. I am your mother. We are your parents. It will always be that way. We love you, Linda. Please forgive us for not telling you this sooner. Please, Linda . . .” Mamm reached for Linda again, and this time Linda stepped even further away from them.
“We know this is hard, Linda, but over time you will realize that we are still your parents, no matter what.” Her father continued to fight a buildup of tears in his eyes, and there was a part of her that wanted to run to him, to them both, to comfort them, ease their pain. But she felt suffocated by her own grief.
“Why are you telling me this now?”
Her parents looked at each other, and then her father spoke. “The Englisch woman, she wants to see you. She wants to meet you tomorrow morning and spend some time with you.”
“But you don’t have to go.” Mamm stepped forward. “We will just tell her that you are not interested in meeting her, and—”
“I want to meet her. She is my mother.” Linda kept her voice steady and cut her eyes at Mary Ellen. Mary Ellen—the person who raised her. She should have felt remorse at the way her cutting words sent tears streaming down Mary Ellen’s face. But instead, she twisted the dagger. “What am I supposed to call you both now? Mary Ellen and Abe?”
“Watch your tone, Linda,” her father said as he wrapped a protective arm around his wife.
Linda grunted, stood taller. They can’t tell me what to do. They aren’t even related to me.
“We know that you’re hurt, dear, but nothing has to change, and—”
“Stop it! Everything has changed.” Linda wrapped her arms around herself, never needing a hug from her mother more than at this moment. The woman she thought was her mother. From someone. Someone who loved her.
“Please, Linda . . .” her mother cried as she reached out to her. “Please, my darling baby . . .”
“I’m going to Stephen’s. He’ll be my family someday! Then I’ll have a family!”
She ran out the door, down the porch steps, and didn’t stop running until she got to Black Horse Road, where she collapsed onto the gravel shoulder and sobbed. It took a few moments for her to realize her toe was bleeding, and only another minute or so before a buggy came along. She wiped her eyes, then blocked the sun’s glare with her hand until the buggy came into view.
Her cousin David. She waited while he pulled to a stop beside her.
“You okay?”
David was two years older than Linda, and he’d been through a kidney transplant, so she wasn’t sure he’d have much sympathy for her throbbing toe, but her bloody foot was the least of her worries. David jumped from his topless courting buggy and ran to her side. He knelt beside her and put a hand on her shoulder.
“Here, let me see.” He lifted up her dirty bare foot covered in blood. “Ouch,” he said as he crinkled his nose. “That’s a nasty cut, but I reckon it doesn’t look like you need any stitches. I’m on my way to Onkel Noah’s clinic. You wanna go and have him clean it up?”
Linda stood up, wiped her eyes, and shook her head. “No. Can you just take me to Stephen’s haus? Please, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure.” David helped her into the buggy, then went around and got in beside her. He’d barely settled into a steady trot when the tears started again. She just couldn’t seem to stop. “Does it hurt that bad?”
She heard the concern in David’s voice, much like that of a protective brother. “It’s not my toe. It’s—it’s . . .” Linda covered her face with her hands. “David, I’m adopted. My parents aren’t my parents.”
“What?” He twisted in the seat to face her, a confused expression on his face.
“I just found out. Mamm and Daed . . .” she paused as she sniffled. “I mean Mary Ellen and Abe told me that I have a birth mother, someone who gave me to them when I was a baby. And I’m so upset, and . . .” She lowered her head, then looked David’s way. He was staring straight ahead, keeping the horse at slow pace. After a few moments, he turned her way.
“Linda, I’m sure that news was a shock.” He glanced back and forth between her and the road, then steadied his gaze on her. “But . . .” He gave her a small smile. “I think I’d like to thank your folks for raising such a wonderful cousin for me.”
Linda tried to manage a smile through her tears, but the news was too raw for her to pretend for more than a moment that she was anything but destroyed.
David slowed the buggy before he reached Stephen’s house, and eventually came to a stop. He turned to face her in the seat again, then wrapped his arms around her, which only caused her to cry more.
“Linda,” he finally said in a soothing tone. “Mary Ellen and Abe are your parents, no matter what.” David gently eased her away. “You know how much they love you.”
In her heart, Linda knew it to be true, but the reality of the situation was overwhelming her. “Why didn’t they tell me? Why would they keep something like this from me?” Then she had a horrible thought. She took a deep breath. “David, did you know about this? Since mei mudder, I mean Mary Ellen, is your daed’s sister.”
“She’s still your mother, Linda, and no, I didn’t have any idea about this.” David pulled his straw hat off and ran his forearm over a sweaty forehead. “I think of Lillian just like mei mamm, and I know Lillian loves me just like her own son. I reckon you don’t have to be born into a family to be a part of it.”
Linda knew that when Lillian married Samuel, she’d raised David as her own son, but somehow her situation seemed much different. “It’s the betrayal. The fact that no one told me.”
They sat quietly for a few minutes. “So, what now? What are you going to do?”
Linda recalled the looks on her parents’ faces. On Mary Ellen’s and Abe’s faces. Every time she mentally corrected herself, the pain she felt was even worse. She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m supposed to meet her tomorrow.”
“Still want to go to Stephen’s? I reckon you look a mess.” David grinned, poked her in the arm. They’d grown up together, and David had always been like the older brother she didn’t have. Again, she thought about Matt and Luke.
Linda sniffled. “Ya. I need to see Stephen.”
David nodded, then flicked the horse into motion. “Linda, everything’s gonna be all right. Mary Ellen and Abe love you, and that’s what matters. It was just God’s will that the other woman helped them out.”
Linda shrugged. “I guess. I’m just not sure how I feel about all this.” However, the look on her parents’ faces was enough for her to know that, despite her own hurt, they were suffering too.
Stephen pushed back his hat, looped his thumbs beneath his suspenders, and walked across his front yard toward David’s buggy, wondering what would bring Linda to his house so near the supper hour. He watched Linda hug her cousin before she stepped out of the buggy and shut the door. David waved, and Stephen returned the gesture, but he couldn’t take his eyes from Linda as she ran barefoot across the yard.
“What’s wrong?” She was a few feet from him when he noticed blood on the top of her bare foot and tears rolling down her cheeks. “What happened?”
She threw her arms around his neck. “My life is ruined.”
“What?” He held her for a few moments, then gently eased her away and looked down at the blood on her foot. “Do you need a doctor?”
She swiped at swollen eyes and shook her head. “No. My foot is fine.”
Stephen raised his brows and gazed into her eyes. “Then what is it?”
“I’m adopted!” She took a step backward and clinched her fists at her sides. “Abe and Mary Ellen aren’t my parents, Stephen! A woman named Josephine is my mother. I don’t even think I
really have a father. Luke and Matthew aren’t my brothers.” She squeezed her eyes shut as tears rolled down her cheeks. “I’m adopted! And no one bothered to tell me until my mother showed up at our house yesterday.”
Stephen swallowed hard and searched for something to say. He stepped toward her and touched her arm. “Are you sure?”
Her eyes flew open in a rage. “Ya, I’m sure. They—Mary Ellen and Abe—just told me.” She covered her face with her hands and mumbled something Stephen couldn’t understand, then she moved forward and buried her face in his chest. “Tell me it isn’t true.”
He wrapped one arm around her back and cradled the back of her neck with his other hand. “I’m sorry, Linda. What can I do?”
“Just hold me.” She pressed her body closer to his, and Stephen struggled to stay focused on the issue at hand.
After a while, she pulled from the embrace and gazed into his eyes. “It hurts, Stephen. Make it stop.”
“I—I . . .” He raised his shoulders and dropped them. “I don’t know what to say, Linda.” How could he ease her pain if this was really true?
She tried to blink back more tears, but they spilled down her cheeks as she continued to wait for him to say something. He knew he was failing miserably, so he stepped forward and cupped her cheeks in his hands, then kissed her softly on the lips. He couldn’t stand to see her hurting like this, but he wasn’t sure what he could say to make her feel better. She returned the kiss, then eased away, and her eyes begged him to say something more to comfort her.
He took a deep breath. Please, God. Let me say the right thing.
“Linda, I don’t think Mary Ellen and Abe could love you any more than they already do, and I reckon they are your parents no matter what.” He paused as she sniffled and wiped her eyes, seeming to wait for more from him. “I’ve seen you and your mamm together, and I don’t think anything is going to change between the two of you.”
“Everything has changed.” She tucked her head and sniffled again.
