Dear NSA: A Collection of Politically Incorrect Short Stories

by Harmon Cooper

  “Maybe twenty-five. They think I’m a pedophile. Damn this bet!”

  “Well, open the door and tell them you aren’t.”

  “Who’s going to believe that? I need your help, man!”

  “Don’t panic,’ Matthew says. ‘Tell them to call me. Tell them to call your parole officer. I’ll set this straight!”

  A rock from the Stark’s Zen Garden comes flying through the window and crash lands in Drew’s living room.

  “Matthew, they’re throwing rocks!” Drew drops the phone.

  Afraid for his life, he runs into the kitchen where he trips over his own feet, falling just in time to hear an explosion rock the living room. The blast force spins debris into the kitchen. Drew pulls himself up and opens the backdoor.

  Much to his dismay, Pastor Baker and the rest of the mob have forced their way into his backyard. In an act of bravery that would cost him his life, Drew raises his arms high into the air.

  “Stop!” he screams, trying to part the waters like Moses.

  Pastor Baker readies his garden hoe. Rudy is next to him with the chimney broom. The crowd waits in hungry anticipation for someone to say something.

  “Please, it was a bet, a horrible bet. I’m not really a—”

  But Drew is too late. A real estate sign comes flying from the crowd and pierces Drew’s heart.

  ***

  A day later, all the pitchfork mob members are arrested for manslaughter. The police discover the fake parole officer card and arrest Matthew Harper for impersonating an officer of the law.

  In the months that follow, most of the pitchfork mob members are sentenced to jail. Pastor Baker becomes a prison chaplain and uses his oratory skill to convert hundreds of inmates to Christianity. Ironically, neither Rudy nor Weapons Nate end up doing any jail time, even though Nate supplied the stick grenades, and Rudy is the one who started the mob.

  Pleading insanity, Rudy the ringleader is committed and spends the rest of his life pretending to be a vegetable. Rudy likes being a vegetable. It’s much easier than being a human. Weapons Nate goes out the old fashion way: a game of Russian roulette with some surly Puerto Ricans on a boat in international waters.

  Drew Higgins is given a martyr’s burial, attended by Vice President Joe Biden and one of the lesser known Bushes. A year later, a Hollywood biopic starring George Clooney as Drew Higgins is filmed and goes on to win the Academy Award for best picture. The film, Predator: The Drew Higgins Story, ends with Clooney fighting the crowd with an umbrella and speeding away in a red Porsche to find and kill Matthew Harper.

  In real life, Matthew Harper gets off with a misdemeanor charge and fifty hours of community service. Money really can buy freedom. For his community service, Matthew flies to Hawaii to take part in a land reclamation program, which counts towards his community service. It’s in Hawaii that Matthew bets a local that he can outswim a tiger shark. It’s the last bet Matthew will ever make, the best meal the tiger shark will ever have.

  To this day, no one knows who threw the fatal real estate sign that pierced Drew Higgins’ heart.

  Go Home Student Loans, You’re Drunk

  Dear Reader,

  On July 4th, 2015, I received a memo from Nelnet, a Nebraskan company which deals in the repayment of student loan debts. The company holds over $25 billion in student loans, representing a third of all federally subsidized loans held in the United States. While Bob Timothy, the writer of this Nelnet memo, was clearly intoxicated when he penned it, there are a few nuggets of wisdom I’ve decided to pass along as I think they are of great benefit.

  Myself owning a nice hunk of student loan debt for a seemingly useless degree in history (if by nice you mean crippling or constantly depressing), I’ve decided to take Bob Timothy’s advice to heart. Upon the publication of this collection of much needed political satire, I will swiftly become a ticket scalping gas-siphoning weed-dealing plasma seller – not necessarily in that order.

  Yours in horrifying debt,

  Harmon Cooper

  P.S. A few footnotes have been added to the piece for clarity.

  From Nelnet Financial Services,

  ***You are receiving this message due to your outstanding student loan debt. The Feds and the other banks that have funded your almost useless education want their money back, before your debt becomes their debt and their debt becomes our debt and we collectively sink the nation dropping the GDP to that of Antarctica and causing yet another civil war, this time between the debt holders and the debt owners (guess who will win).

  Who am I you ask? My name is Bob Timothy – yes, two first names – and I am drunk.

  I’ve worked at the Nelnet offices in Lincoln, Nebraska for twenty years now and have stupidly been given access to Nelnet’s entire e-mail database. Haven’t heard of Lincoln? It’s named after a town car.

  Anyway, I know that a bunch of you receiving this are in more debt than you can possibly comprehend, debt that will follow you through your entire life like pilot fish or an STD, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a way out of debt. That’s with this e-mail is for – it’s time Nelnet got real with its loan holders.

  Let me begin by telling you that you’re fucked. Sorry to say it so bluntly, but if no one has told you by now, let me, Bob Timothy, to be the first to tell you that you are unequivocally and undeniably screwed. You’re worse off than the Middle East once it runs out of oil or Russia if it ever runs out of vodka. Fear not pathetic debt holder!

  Before we move onto strategies, I’d like to let you in on a little insider information: no matter how nice we seem here at the Nelnet offices, we really aren’t your friends nor do we care if you live or die (well, unless you haven’t paid us).

  We only treat you like a customer and use equivocal language because it is the American way. What you really are is a debt slave, and let’s face it, it’s kind of your fault for getting a degree in Bhutanese Philosophy. I mean seriously, who really cares about the famous Bhutanese Buddhist named Drukpa Kunley who went around shattering demon’s teeth with his penis?[1]

  I digress because I’m drunk.

  If you’re already sobbing, or possibly thinking of a clever way to kill yourself, stop right there because Bob Timothy has some solutions for you! I’ve been collecting debt longer than you’ve been obtaining debt Millennial scum, and let me tell you, there is always a way out of a hole if you’re willing to put a little elbow grease in it. To keep things positive, let’s start with some clear strategies that will help you become debt free in no time.

  Strategies

  Big Baby Jesus are there a plethora of strategies for getting rid of that student loan debt and I’m going to cover them all in this section, from legal strategies to strategies that are anything but. Hell, I’ll probably get fired for sending this message to all of you so I might as well let my hair down (I’m bald).

  Siphon gas: Seriously, every little bit helps. By siphoning gas from your neighbors, you’ll never have to fill your tank nor will you ever have to stand around at the pump looking at all the other idiots filling their vehicles with million year old algae cocktails. You even can get a cable for siphoning gas on Amazon here.[2] This method works even better once gas prices increase, and we’re back to paying close to five dollars a gallon just to get around our shitty little towns. Just think of the money you can save! Cut out the middle man!

  Donate plasma: Everyone needs plasma! You can make $25 a day getting hooked up to a machine that sucks your blood out, strips it of its plasma, and puts your blood back in your body. What luck! With the Baby Boomers aging out, and fucking up everything in the process due to their terrible diets and political opinions,[3] there is a constant need for plasma and the need will only go up. Hell, they may even increase the pot in the future to $27 a donation. Bonus! Plus, you can work on online certifications and apply for jobs while you are donating plasma, an actual win-win situation if you ask me.

  Get a job at Starbucks: Sure, this point has been beaten into the bush, bu
t what better way to utilize your wittiness and your degree in Microsoft Wingdings than a job at Starbucks? Impress your customers (many of whom also share your harrowing debt) with your unique latte art! Use your advanced Wingdings abilities to write their names on their cups in ways they’ll love. You’ll make tips averaging $1.35 extra per hour! You’ll get a 401K! You’ll be forced to listen to Howard Schultz’s bullshit on a seasonal basis! Nothing like a successful businessman telling you how to make his business succeed and somehow convincing you you’re part of it even though your partner number (2362998) clearly indicates that you are simply one of a million coffee-slingers lining his pockets.

  I digress because I’m drunk.

  Take it from old Bob Timothy here – coffee is job security. People are addicted to coffee, hell I am addicted to coffee.[4] But coffee isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Even if we use all the beans in the world, some coffee-addicted scientist will figure out a way to synthesize the stuff. With job security, you can slowly chip away at your loan debt. You can become a Starbucks assistant store manager or a district manager, which will allow you to drive around your neck-of-the-woods yelling at people and telling them to upsell semen-colored Frappuccinos to customers who have always bought a simple cup of black coffee and will always buy a simple cup of black coffee.

  Think of the power you could possess!

  Become a ticket scalper: Becoming a ticket scalper isn’t so hard, aside from the fact it requires an initial investment. Just save up some money and buy concert tickets as soon as they are released. Then, wait for the concert to come and put the tickets up on Craigslist or hawk them in front of the venue. There is always someone who didn’t get a ticket (possibly a college kid using his student loan money to buy the ticket) – you really can’t go wrong with ticket scalping. Sure, it’s illegal, but this is insider advice I’m giving you and a true insider lets you in on all the secrets, all of them.

  You can thank old Bob Timothy later, once you are debt free.

  Become an ESL teacher: Educate the heathens! Explore the world while teaching English to people who have more money than you do. Get in touch with faraway cultures, learn how much shittier life can be by visiting Asia or brush up on your Spanish by spending a year in Columbia tasting the finest cocaine before it gets watered down and shipped off to America. Date foreign girls or guys! Marry someone from a different country and hide from your debt there. After all, Nelnet can’t do shit to you if you live in another country. Trust me – I work here![5]

  Become a private contractor: What better way to explore the shitholes of the world than becoming a private contractor? Plus those people make some serious bank! I’ve seen someone pay off their entire student loan debt in less than six months by working at a cafeteria at Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan. They didn’t even get shot at!

  Let’s not kid ourselves any longer – the military industrial complex will be eternally funded. After all, war is extremely profitable.[6] Even if America crumbles, we’ll need support from the military industrial complex to round everyone up and put them in work camps or to fight the invaders or however it plays out. (I’m not into dystopian fantasies here – I really don’t think this is a viable scenario but it is worth mentioning in this memo just in case some Tea Partiers are reading this. Besides, I’m drunk.)

  You’ll always have a job with the military industrial complex, as long as you’re willing to go to shitholes and put your life at risk to cash in. Bomb your way out of debt!

  Open a Korean restaurant chain: Why the hell not? There definitely aren’t enough Korean restaurants in America. This country could benefit from some kimchi or a simmering bowl of bulgogi. Americans have embraced sugared-up Chinese food, why not bring a little Seoul to the States? My first ex-wife was Korean. I miss her cooking more than I miss her. [7]

  Join the Peace Corps: Do you want to go crazy? Do you want to get sent to places that could be considered fourth world countries and teach English, plant things or study the culture? Look no further than the Peace Corps, where you can defer your debt for two years just by joining! Imagine: two years to forget about the fact that you spent 45K on a degree in Conchology. You won’t make any money, but who needs money anyway?

  Teach for America: Serve your country as a babysitter for America’s violent youth! I’m pretty sure they’ll even cut some of your student loan debt if you join. The only downside – you must be willing to relocate. Also, be prepared to be scared shitless by some of your students, many of whom are larger than you and some of whom have actually killed people.[8]

  Get a master’s degree: You’re already this far in the hole, why not go a little deeper? Getting a master’s degree will add at least two more years to the time that you don’t have to start paying your student loan debt. You can even upgrade to a doctorate, which will add an additional 3-5 years to the time after your master’s degree. Maybe by then the system will be fixed, and we’ll get on the European gravy train by offering free education to our citizens. After all, a nation is only as smart as its stupidest people (frightening when you look around this place or turn on Fox News).

  Go off-the-grid: One of the best ways to disappear from Nelnet (note: until we begin hiring assassins), is to go off-the-grid. There are plenty of places with room for crazy-ass people who don’t want to be part of a functioning society. I’m looking at you Texas, Montana, Alabama, Utah… ummm… other states in the mid or southwestern portions of America.

  According to Wikipedia, which I cited for this little memo because fuck it, who has the time to go through government records (even though I technically work for the government)…

  Where was I?

  Oh yes! 180,000 families in America have gone off-the-grid. There are even off-grid communities. You too can join the ranks of those wanting to disband society!

  However, before you get your neo-Amish on, you should probably get some guns because you’re going to need them. Also, you should be susceptible to brainwashing or good at brainwashing yourself, just in case someone wants to start a cult. (Personally, I recommend Mormon cults because you can have loads of wives). You should probably learn how to hunt too. It’s not as easy as it sounds; cleaning and gutting an animal may make you think twice before abandoning civil society.

  Things not to sell

  The following is a list of things you probably shouldn’t sell, no matter how much you owe. While there are times in life when it seems as if everything is up for grabs, it is good to remember that at the end of the day we’re still human, and as much as we’d like to deny it, we’ve created our own handcuffs. Just ask Bob Timothy here: I have over 40K in credit card debt due to a Herbalife pyramid scheme that I was involved in a few years back (I was in a dark place). I digress because I’m drunk. The following is a list of things not to sell.

  Your iPhone: AT&T falls into the same category as Nelnet. You may think they are your friends, but they are really your enemies, a constant reminder of the bad decisions you’ve made. Your cell phone service provider will fuck you (not as hard as your student loan debt collector, but still hard), and it would be best not to cancel your contract with them. Further, you’ll need instant access to the internet so you can keep up with social media trends and utilize cutting-edge job search engines. This message brought to you by AT&T. (Hey we all have a price, besides, I’m drunk, 40k in debt myself, and the rep at AT&T promised to let me upgrade a month early if I gave the company a plug. Thanks, Chuck![9])

  Your children: I know, I don’t like your children as much as the next guy doesn’t like your children; still, you had them and you’re stuck with them. Be they allergic to allergies, bulimic, sufferers of Tourette’s Syndrome, a splitting image of your ex or on their way to incarceration – your children are your bad. Besides, if you sell your children, who will bear the burden once the student loan bubble bursts? Don’t sell them, no matter how much Roman Polanski or Woody Allen offer you. Our children are our treasures (even my estranged son whom I haven’t spoken to in ten
years).

  Your soul: Is a degree in Ceramic Management really worth your soul? Maybe. In all honesty, souls are important. Just rewind to the Bush Presidency if you need sweeping evidence. Remember Dick ‘Vader’ Cheney? That sweet grin of Donald Rumsfeld’s face as he lied through his teeth? The furrowed brow of Colin Powell ditto? The bitter grin of Condoleezza Rice ditto?

  The point: don’t sell your soul, student loan holder, not even for all the power in the world because seriously, history remembers dicks, especially a congregation of them.[10]

  Things to sell

  Of course there are things that you can sell to help you pay off your student loan debt in a more timely fashion. Let’s begin by mentioning an earlier note.

  Excess siphoned gas: You don’t have to be a snake oil salesman to go around your neighborhood or Section 8 Housing unloading extra gas you’ve siphoned. Want to make a quick buck? Take a little extra gas from a neighbor and sell it back to him at a discount. Wall Street profiteers, why can’t Main Street? If you do decide to sell siphoned gas, make sure you wait a day or so before you begin going door-to-door to avoid suspicion. No one likes a gas bandit.

  Your pet: Sure, I get it, you are attached to your four-legged little friend, but let’s be honest – do you really need the added yearly expense of having a pet? According to Google, the annual cost to own a pet in America exceeds $500. If you really want a pet, buy a fucking rock and paint it. Buying a pet rock is a onetime investment. It takes no water, nor does it piss on your rug, scratch you, bite you, slobber on you, jump on you with dirty feet, or hiss at you. Plus it is always happy to see you. [11]

  Your Beats Headphones: Sorry to tell you this, but you look like an absolute idiot in your brightly-colored Beat Headphones. Did you know it took less than twenty dollars to make those things yet they sell them to you for $200+ just for shits and giggles? Of course you did, you’re a smart consumer! Did you know that they put extra metal inside the headphones to make them heavier so they seem more legit? After all, heavier headphones are clearly a sign of quality, clearly! Bob Timothy’s advice – put those puppies up on eBay at half the price. Trust me, I know you think you look cool in them, but someone is going to show you a picture of yourself twenty years from now wearing your Beats and you’re going to look like a complete idiot. Mark my words.[12]