He moved her hand inside his suit coat to the left side of his chest, just above his heart, and she cried out again as she realized how close death had come. But then another thought intruded. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you send for me?" she asked, and in her mind she asked the unspeakable question, What if you had died and I wasn't there?
Josh lifted the hand that rested against his scar and brushed his lips across it before clasping it firmly in his own again. "I didn't want to put you in any danger."
"Danger! You were the one in danger!" she protested.
But he shook his head. "The trip back would have been too hard on you, and if you were upset, you might have…"
"It wouldn't have been too hard on me!" she objected.
But he ignored her. "And you needed to be here, where you could have Dr. Strong taking care of you."
"But you needed someone taking care of you, too!" she pointed out in exasperation.
"Candace and Blanche did a fine job of that," he said, and when she would have protested some more, he cut her off. "Lissy, I wanted you to be safe, where I wouldn't have to worry about you. And I didn't have any intention of dying." He smiled tenderly. "I had a promise to keep."
"Oh, Joshua," she cried in dismay. "Do you know what I thought when you didn't write?"
"I wrote to you this time," he insisted.
Felicity stared at him, picturing him propped in his sickbed, painfully penning the terse little notes that had made her think he did not care. Now she understood why they had been brief. Now she knew why he had made such a point of telling her how well he was, and why Blanche's letters had done the same. They were afraid she might suspect the truth. All that misunderstanding, all that misery over wondering whether he loved her, and all those weeks when he had lain weak and helpless when she could have been with him, helping to ease his suffering.
"Joshua Logan, I ought to take a stick to you!" she said, no longer bothering to fight the tears that sprang so readily to her eyes. He looked a little puzzled, but she was crying too hard to explain just now. There would be time for all that later. For now she would just hold him and thank God that he was safe.
Josh took her in his arms and cradled her gently against his chest. Her body felt cumbersome, weighed down as it was with the burden of his child, and he closed his eyes against the agony that thought caused. Thank God he had come in time to see her before the birth, before it might well be too late to tell her all the things he should have told her before she left Texas. For a while, as he had lain half-delirious from the fever and the pneumonia, he had feared his chance was gone, that he would never see her again. But his prayers had been answered. She was here, in his arms again.
"And what does your doctor say about the baby?" he asked, gently stroking the swell of his child.
Felicity brushed away the last of her tears and lifted her face to Joshua's. His silver eyes were clouded with the same emotions she herself felt over the knowledge of how close she had come to losing him. "Dr. Strong says the baby is big," she replied, managing a small smile. "But of course, you can see that for yourself."
Josh did not return her smile. "And?" he insisted.
"And he says that second births are much easier than first ones," she hurried to explain. "He has an instrument that can help with the delivery, too." But she could see he wasn't reassured. "I'm not going to die, Joshua," she said, her voice low and urgent. "I promise! And this baby isn't going to die, either; you'll see. I promise that, too, and we Logans keep our promises, don't we?"
Josh looked at her, taking in the diamond glitter of her sky-blue eyes and the shimmering gold of her hair and the fragile beauty of her face. In spite of the child she carried, she was still tiny and delicate, too small to be expected to endure the ordeal he knew lay ahead, the ordeal that was his fault. He loved her more than life itself. How could he bear it if she was unable to keep her promise? But even as the agony of that question tore at his heart, he forced himself to smile. "Yes, we Logans keep our promises."
Chapter Sixteen
Felicity soon realized that Joshua was not nearly as completely recovered as he wanted her to believe and that the long trip had been very difficult for him. After a brief visit with her grandfather, during which Henry Maxwell generously admitted he was glad Joshua had returned for her in spite of the fact that it meant she would eventually be leaving Philadelphia again, Felicity insisted Joshua take his supper in bed.
She wept again when she helped him undress and saw the angry scar from his wound, mute testimony to how close death had come. As they ate from trays in the privacy of their room, they talked for a while about superficial things. Felicity inquired about her loved ones back in Texas and about what had become of Jeremiah after they had successfully wiped out Ortega's gang once and for all. Josh explained that he had reported Jeremiah's death to the sheriff so his half-brother could live the rest of his life free of pursuit for a crime he had not committed. Although it would never be safe for him to return to their part of Texas, where he was known, he could now go wherever else he desired.
Joshua in turn inquired about her exhibit at the Exposition and the reaction to it. Felicity noticed that he no longer seemed quite as disturbed over the success of her work as he once had been, but she did not press the issue. Perhaps he was only being polite because he did not want to spoil their first night back together.
When Felicity judged that Joshua had reached the limit of his strength, she put out the lights and joined him in the big feather bed. They clung to each other, unbearably grateful for this simple pleasure when they considered that death had almost robbed them of it.
In spite of his fatigue, Josh lay awake long after Felicity dozed off. In the darkness he savored the feel and the scent of her body pressed up against his and the tiny movements of the child that lay between them. When he thought of the danger that still lurked, he repeated the prayer that had been answered the first time only in part. "Please, God."
Felicity awoke with a start, disoriented and momentarily confused by the weight that was pressing down upon her. When she tried to struggle free, Joshua muttered a sleepy protest, reminding her that after all these long months, she was no longer sleeping alone. A smile curved her lips as she determinedly lifted his arm from across her chest so she could shift to a more comfortable position. But no sooner had she shifted than a pain wrenched across her body, leaving her breathless and gasping and drenched in the cold sweat of terror.
It was starting! Just the way it had before! She was alone, in the dark, with the terrible, agonizing pain. Panic welled within her, and for a moment she feared that her heart might burst within her chest. But then the small voice of reason managed to make itself heard above the clamor of her fears. She wasn't alone! Joshua was here, and Dr. Strong was right next door. Hadn't the doctor said to summon him instantly, any time, day or night?
"Joshua," she called, shaking him gently, hating to wake him from the rest she knew he needed so badly. "Joshua, wake up!"
"Ussy?" he asked, instantly alert. "Is it the baby?"
"Yes," she said. "The pain just woke me."
Josh heard the tremor in her voice, and for an instant he felt the same terror he knew she was experiencing. It was too soon! He hadn't told her all the things he'd meant to about how much he loved her and how important she was to him and how sorry he was for having hurt her. But he could not think about all that now. He had to take care of her. "Everything will be fine," he promised. "Who should I call?"
Felicity thought frantically. "Bellwood, I guess. There's no use to wake Grandfather or Aunt Isabel yet. Bellwood can go get Dr. Strong."
He gave her a reassuring pat and a hasty kiss before climbing out of the big bed in search of his clothes. He lit a gaslight and then hastily began to dress, recalling as he did so how he had forgotten that important detail the last time. At least he now knew that he could afford the extra few minutes required to make himself presentable. He only wished he did not know how many h
ours of agony stretched before her.
Felicity lay perfectly still, as if to do so would ward off the ferocity of the next contraction, but it came just the same, wrenching and writhing its way through her body. As she strained against it, she felt a gush of fluid between her legs, soaking her and the bedclothes.
"My… my water… broke," she managed to gasp when the pain subsided. He hastily snatched up some towels, threw back the bedclothes, and began to mop up the moisture as best he could. But distracted by something far more important, Felicity was only vaguely aware of his efforts. "Joshua, the baby's coming," she said in a voice that reflected her bewilderment.
"I know, honey," he soothed her. "I'll get the doctor and everything will be fine."
"No, Joshua," she corrected him urgently. "I mean, the baby is coming now!"
She knew he didn't believe her. She didn't believe it herself, but then another contraction started and she surrendered to the irresistible desire to push. It couldn't be, she knew that, and yet it was. She felt her body opening, spreading, and she lifted her knees to accommodate as she continued to bear down.
"Lissy, what are you…?" Joshua's voice seemed to come from far away. And then he said, "It's coming!" and she knew he had seen what she had sensed.
As the contraction subsided, Felicity fell back, panting and exhausted, but Joshua would not let her rest. "Just once more, Lissy. Come on, girl, you can do it!"
Of course she could do it, she thought with irritation. What was he yelling about? But before she could ask, her body convulsed again, propelling her child into its father's eager hands.
As one in a dream, Felicity stared at the writhing creature Joshua was holding up for her to see. The tiny, wrinkled face screwed up in outrage and then let out a bloodcurdling wail. It was the most beautiful sound Felicity had ever heard.
"Joshua! He's alive!" she cried, laughing and weeping at the same time.
"No, she's alive," he corrected, having noticed a detail Felicity had missed. He was laughing, too, and his eyes were also moist.
"Give her to me!" Felicity commanded, reaching for the infant.
Being very careful of the cord, Josh laid the baby on her mother's stomach so Felicity could touch her precious treasure. Only as he watched her lovingly stroke the tiny body did he begin to realize the magnitude of what had just happened.
The baby was born. Felicity was alive. The baby was alive. It was all over. Less than five minutes had passed since she had awakened him.
"My God," he murmured, and then he realized that he should probably be doing something. The doctor. He should probably get the doctor. He hastily pulled the bedclothes up to cover Felicity and the baby. "I'm going to send for the doctor. Will you be all right until I get back?" he asked.
Felicity smiled blissfully as she soothed her baby. "Of course," she said.
Josh hurried to the door, but when he threw it open, he almost collided with half the residents of the Maxwell mansion.
"What's going on?" Henry Maxwell demanded as he hastily tied the robe of his dressing gown. "I thought I heard a scream."
"I did hear a scream!" Isabel cried, clutching the lapels of her pink silk robe.
Bellwood, half-dressed, wrung his hands. "Sir, would you like me to…"
"Felicity had the baby," Josh announced to all of them. "It's a girl."
Isabel promptly fainted.
Dr. Strong shook his head as he packed his instruments away. "Did I happen to mention that second births are often easier than first births?" he asked with a quizzical grin.
Reluctantly, Felicity lifted her gaze from the sleeping infant that lay beside her in the bed. She nodded her reply to his question. Her eyes were dancing, but she managed not to grin back.
"Well, young lady, I want you to understand that they are rarely this much easier," he explained with mock sternness.
Felicity nodded again, very much aware that she had experienced a small miracle. This time she did not bother to hide her triumphant grin. Fondly, she returned her gaze to her new daughter. "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
"She's a fine, healthy baby," Dr. Strong demurred. "And that's quite a head of hair she has."
Felicity lovingly stroked the downy black hair her child had inherited from Joshua. "Dr. Strong?" she asked.
"Yes?"
"Will I…" She hesitated, uncertain over exactly how to phrase the question. "Will all my children be born this easily now?"
Dr. Strong considered. "Well, sometimes there are complications that no one can foresee, but I think it is safe to predict that from now on your biggest worry will be staying close to the house during the last month of your confinement."
Before Felicity could respond, someone knocked on the bedroom door. "Come in," she called.
Joshua did so, a worried frown on his face. "Is everything all right?"
"Everything is just fine," Dr. Strong repeated. "And congratulations, Mr. Logan. I don't believe I had a chance to say that earlier in all the excitement."
"Thank you," Josh said, shaking Dr. Strong's hand. "And thank you for looking after her all these months."
"I did very little," Dr. Strong replied with a smile. "And I must say, I'm glad my services were not required here at the end. You and your wife handled everything beautifully."
After Josh and Felicity had thanked him yet again, Dr. Strong took his leave, promising to check back with them in the morning. When they were alone, Josh moved over next to the bed, where he could get another look at his new daughter.
"She's awfully little," he noticed, patting the small bottom.
"She's even bigger than Caleb Joshua was," Felicity said, growing solemn at the sad memory of her beautiful son.
For a moment they gazed at this living baby and remembered the one they had lost. Then Josh realized the importance of what she had said. "Did you say this baby is bigger?"
Felicity nodded, her eyes shining with the renewed hope Dr. Strong's prediction had given her. "Do you know what this means, Joshua? This means we have our life back!"
At his puzzled frown, she explained. "Don't you see? We don't have to be afraid anymore. We can love each other just like we did in the beginning, and we don't have to be afraid that I'll have a baby. I won't die, and we won't lose any more children, either. Oh, Joshua, do you understand? Our life will be just like it was before!"
But Josh stared down at her radiant expression and shook his head. "I don't want our life to be just like it was before, Lissy."
Felicity stared back at him in horror, her hope snuffed. Instinctively, she drew her child closer to her side as if to protect her from whatever awful thing Joshua was going to say. "What do you mean?" she asked warily.
Seeing Felicity's reaction, Josh hastened to reassure her, sitting down on the edge of the bed and reaching out to tenderly stroke her cheek. "What I mean is that I want things to be different for you. When I think back over our marriage, the only time I remember you being really happy was when you first came here, to Philadelphia."
"That's not true!" Felicity protested, but he shook his head.
"It is true. You were never sure of your place as my wife, and that's my fault. You tried so hard to please me, and I never told you how much you had succeeded. I never even told you how much I loved you. And then, when you lost the baby…"
"Don't, Joshua!" she cried, unwilling to let the memory of those awful days mar the joy of the future.
"And then you came here," he continued relentlessly. "You seemed to forget your unhappiness. You were like a different person here, but I got jealous. That's why I wanted to take you away, back home to Texas, where you'd be all mine again. Leaving you here was one of the hardest things I ever had to do."
Felicity felt her eyes fill with tears as she remembered her own bitterness over what she had considered his desertion. She reached up and clasped the hand that still rested by her face and placed a kiss on the roughened palm. "But we were happy when I came back home," she reminded him.
&nbs
p; He smiled sadly at the memory. "For a very short while, but then we realized you were pregnant."
He did not need to explain. She remembered only too well the strained desperation she had felt during that time to continue the carefree charade. He, too, must have known the same desperation.
"Joshua, all that is over now. The reasons we were miserable no longer exist. I know you love me, and we don't have to be afraid anymore…"
"But that isn't enough," he insisted, and once more she listened with dread to what he wanted to tell her. "Like I said, the only times you've been really happy are when you were here… and when you're taking photographs. You've never said anything, but I know how much you love that work and how much it meant to you when your pictures were displayed. I… I'm starting to agree with your grandfather that you should have your own studio here and-"
"Are you saying I should live here, with Grandfather?" she asked in horror.
"No!" he hastily explained. "At least not all the time. But if it's that important to you, maybe you could spend part of the year here and part of the year with me…"
Felicity watched his silver eyes cloud with pain as he said these words, and for the first time she understood, really understood, what he was telling her. He believed that she preferred this life to the one they had in Texas and that the fame she had achieved was vitally important to her. The old Joshua would have feared such feelings and would have packed her off to Texas and kept her locked safely away from these temptations. But her new Joshua was willing to share her, was willing to let her have her life that was so alien to his own. This new Joshua was willing to risk losing her in order to give her what he believed would make her happy.
"Would you be with me while I was here?" she asked, testing her theory.
"As much as I could," he affirmed.
"You'd have to be away from the ranch," she reminded him, recalling his fierce devotion to the land, a love that ran so deep she had once actually believed he would leave her just to conduct a roundup.
Texas Blonde Page 49
