I’ve had a few situations like that. I’m stricken by the fact that you want to build something, you even think about children, joint property, and when you find yourself in a difficult situation, it turns out you knew nothing about the person you’ve been seeing.
How do you cope with those situations?
I look for support and understanding from my friends. I suppose that’s what everybody does. Sometimes they tell me something smart. Years ago, when one of my relationships was in the process of falling apart, I was on a tour in the States. I was sitting in a bar in Florida with David Vincent from Morbid Angel. Instead of relaxing and enjoying myself, I kept looking nervously at my phone and walking out to call the girl. She had some personal problems, and I was trying to keep her spirits up. The more I tried, the more she attacked me. Everything was heading in a very wrong direction.
Vincent, noticing I was pissed, looked at me and said, ‘You’re really tense. You got to chill out. If the reason is a woman, have dignity, as a man should. And remember: there are millions of them in the world.’ Years later, we met in Frankfurt. He reminded me of that night and asked if I remembered his words. I just smiled.
Are your relationships usually long?
My first one lasted three years. Others: from a few months to two years. Each of them comes with a huge dose of experiences. They have helped me mature. I don’t have any problem with looking back at my past for perspective. I made a lot of mistakes, but I learned my lessons, too.
Most girls I was with are still my friends, or even good friends, to this day. I’ve kept in touch with some of them; I sent a message to some of them after a few years. I often apologised, because sometimes it all fell apart because of me. But blame usually lies somewhere in the middle. After time, both sides see how they fucked up. But I was also with girls who will probably never learn what introspection is.
Do you like talking to women?
I’m constructed in such a way that I need to speak to someone constantly. I need to be stimulated; I need a brain boner. When I feel I can’t get to the core of a person, that’s not good.
Yes, but are you capable of showing your core?
The other person doesn’t necessarily have to understand my world, but they should at least tolerate and accept it. And they have to have their own world. Only then can the two sets superimpose and create common space. Everyone has his or her own labyrinths, created by life. We can invite people there, show them around, but they don’t really have to feel comfortable in there.
Let’s assume that I meet a girl who is an archaeologist. I don’t have to share her passion and go excavating with her. What’s important, though, is to express mutual interest, support each other, and give each other space. My parents don’t in any way understand what I do, but they have a sense of intuition that makes them calm. They know I’m no banker or lawyer, but they also know that I’m happy. My father doesn’t get my music, but he once said that what I do is useful. My music doesn’t contradict his way of life. Why shouldn’t the life of two people who want to live together be like that? It’s all about respect.
What do you mean by a ‘brain boner’?
If it doesn’t show up there, it won’t show down there either. I just can’t help it. When a woman is superficial and she has nothing to offer but her body, I immediately keep her at a distance. I can’t make a good face to a bad game. Some guys, if they want to get a girl, can manoeuvre around and put on masks. When I think that I would do that just so that I can put my dick in a hole by the end of the evening, I feel embarrassed.
I know that because I’ve tried it. Sometimes I even recognise it while it’s happening. Even during the ‘action’, I’d be thinking to myself, ‘Why are you doing this, you idiot?’ It’s the same with food. Once or twice a month, I eat some junk food. The first bite is fine, but after a while that characteristic papery taste shows up in my mouth, along with the nasty realisation that I’m putting shit in my stomach.
Women are the same. There have been quite a few great erotic situations where my brain has screamed, ‘Eject! Evacuate!’ I want to get home, or talk to a friend with a beer, as fast as possible.
Are Polish girls prudish?
A friend of mine recently got dumped by his girlfriend because he hit her in the face during sex. He’s no wife beater; they just went hardcore. It’s obvious that you can do that in bed. I was sitting with another friend and his girlfriend in a bar. Suddenly she jumped to her feet, and he gently patted her on the butt. She screamed at him. She made a scene, because she felt like a ‘servant’. Bullshit! It was simple flirtation. You can pat a strange woman on the butt, far less your girlfriend …
Strangers don’t get offended?
It depends. If she does, I immediately leave.
Are there any girls who can make you blush?
In Thailand, there was this situation when we were walking from bar to bar with the guys. Of course, suddenly—and it was two in the morning—I felt like getting a massage. I got addicted to those when I was in Thailand previously. And it wasn’t all about some erotic adventure, just simple relaxation. So I found a parlour on the way back to the hotel. They were just closing down, but they agreed to give me a massage.
I got into a room, undressed, and left only my underwear on. The masseuse looked at me and said, ‘Pants too.’ I was surprised, but she insisted. I’m not a shy guy, so I obediently undressed and lied down. She started massaging me. She stroked my penis, as if it was an accident. At first I didn’t notice anything erotic in it. I felt like I was at the doctor’s. A moment later, she did it again and giggled. I didn’t know what to think or say. By the third time, I had no doubts: the girl took my dick in her hands and asked, with a heavy Asian accent, ‘Massaaaaage?’
I was embarrassed, but for peace’s sake, I asked how much. I closed my eyes, and a moment later it was over. But I felt violated.
Some people go to Thailand specifically for adventures like that.
Not me. I like spending time there because it’s a beautiful country, something from a fairy tale. I’ve been there twice already, but that’s the only time something like that happened to me—maybe because I don’t visit brothels.
Let’s leave Thai girls for now. If you were to compare Polish and American women, in terms of sexual attitude, are there any differences?
Polish girls are much more blocked-off when it comes to oral sex. It’s changing all the time, of course, and I think that’s largely due to the internet. Nevertheless, a blowjob, or eating pussy, are perfectly normal acts on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. A lot of our women still treat these ‘games’ as something special, like another step of initiation, but in the USA it’s like shaking hands.
Have you ever cheated on your girlfriend?
Nobody’s perfect, but whenever I’m in love with somebody, I don’t fuck around. When I met one of my exes, Kasia, I was about to go on a long tour, but the relationship was so inspiring and fulfilling that I didn’t even think about taking part in drunken groupie parties on the road. After the shows I would just grab a beer, call her, tell her how it went, and we would plan our time together after I got back. That’s what every day looked like.
I’m not a hyper rock’n’roll type who just thinks about the next way to put his dick into something and then washes it down with a bucket of booze and quickly forget about everything—at least not when I know there’s someone waiting for me at home.
The house, an awaiting missus … do you ever think about kids? Do you want to have kids one day?
I don’t know if now is the right time, but someday … I think so.
Would you send them to religious classes at school?
No. They would know everything they needed from their dad. Some time ago, my friend had his fifth baby. He has a very religious family, but not typically Polish. There’s less hypocrisy there. Even so, I know that the little guy will be indoctrinated to some degree. I wrote to my friend to say that maybe he should give the choice
to at least one of his children.
Don’t you think it’s never too late to make one’s own choices?
You’re christened, you receive your first communion, then it’s confirmation … how many years of indoctrination and brainwashing is that?
You don’t believe in the free will of adults?
I don’t if they have had a chip implanted in their brain since childhood, and then put loads of their own software onto their hard drives. If there is an answer ready for every question, it’s much harder for you to think for yourself. It’s like getting on a train. You get on and you don’t think about it. People stare at the floor, head buried in the newspaper, and they ignore thousands of impulses. When you’re in that compartment, it’s difficult to get out. It’s social engineering.
Aren’t you afraid that other kids will point fingers at your kids?
Don’t forget whose genes my kids are going to have. They will cope with any situation! Besides, there have been major changes in Poland. Secularisation is progressing. A few more years and we won’t even have religion classes at schools.
Some people claim that you are the catalyst of these changes.
It’s flattering, but I wouldn’t place myself in that position. I’m not a megalomaniac.
You don’t have influence on people?
I’m sure I have an influence on our fans, but they’re usually people with a set worldview already. But maybe this group is indeed expanding. I had a great photo taken some time ago with Sylwia Gruchala, a fabulous foil fencer, an Olympic medallist. She’s actually my neighbour, and we’d sometimes passed each other, but never had the time to talk. During the session, we finally found a moment. She told me she liked reading my interviews, because they give her strength. If this is how I am to influence people—then why not?
I feel a deep need to talk about things that are important to me, to comment on the world. I endure never-ending conversations with myself. I want to share that with people.
That’s why I agreed to do this book. I want to see on paper, what I view in my head. Who knows, maybe someone will deem it worthy, or maybe I will forget about doing things like this for the rest of my life.
CHAPTER IV
AND THEN THE LORD PUT THE SHEEP TO HIS RIGHT AND THE GOATS TO HIS LEFT
Are you an anti-Semite?
Absolutely not.
Then maybe you’re a racist?
Neither.
Did you admire Hitler when you were young?
For what?
Your first stage name, Holocausto, brings such associations to mind.
I was fifteen years old and I wanted to shock people. I knew what the Holocaust was, but it was empty knowledge. There were no images or emotions behind it. I didn’t really care about it; I was just a kid. Besides, I stole this nickname outright. My favourite band was Beherit, from Finland. Their music was so dirty, dark, and boorish. Nobody was more radical—only perhaps Blasphemy, from Canada …
Anyway, Beherit’s leader’s nickname was very long, but the focal point was the word ‘Holocausto’, so I changed the details and took it like it was mine. He was Nuclear Holocausto Of Bloody Vengeance, and I became Holocausto Of The Seven Blasphemous Souls Of Damnations. My whole creativity was limited to adding a few words. I thought they sounded blasphemous and shocking beside each other.
That’s pretty naïve!
Back then, it seemed like it made sense. My nickname was supposed to be offensive and aggressive. And it was. It was grotesque and funny, too, but I only noticed that part later.
Do you regret the sins of youth?
That’s what I was. That’s why I am where I am today. When I think of all the silly stuff I did, I don’t feel regret. I just smile. I still like to provoke people. It’s just that today I do it in a smarter way.
But you did change your nickname?
Yes, because it sounded childish. Also, I regretted having stolen it, as well as the connotations. I was Mr Holocausto for just a few months.
And then ‘Nergal’ showed up?
I found him in a book. We wanted our nicknames to express something, so we started looking for the right words. We would browse books: religion, mythology, occultism … we went in that direction, but I can assure you there was no deeper philosophy behind it. The name was just supposed to sound good.
Nergal? It sounded Nordic but it is, of course, a Sumerian deity and has nothing to do with the Nordic pantheon. What mattered was that it sounded like there was some strength behind it.
If somebody had told you then that, fifteen years down the line, the name would be more commonly associated with you than with some deity, what would you think?
I wouldn’t believe it. It was an artistic name, merely a stage pseudonym. That’s what the convention demanded. For years, I was Nergal only on the covers of our tapes and then CDs, but as far as my friends and teachers were concerned, I was still just Adam.
And today?
I am Adam to my parents. But for my friends I am more Nergal. The people closest to me simply call me ‘Ner’.
A few years ago, my girlfriend started addressing me this way, and this was when I realised that Nergal dominated both Adam and Darski. But it’s good.
I became Adam when I was christened. That’s what they called me without asking for my opinion. I became Nergal because I wanted to. I chose that name knowingly and consciously. I even changed my personal data. Adam Nergal Darski is on my ID.
Kristian Vikernes from Burzum changed his name, too.
I didn’t know that. But I do understand why he might have not liked his previous one.
Rumour has it that he also added a second last name, supposedly after his great grandmother: Quisling.
That’s his business.
Do you even like his band?
I love their music.
It doesn’t bother you that this band is and has been associated with extreme right-wing politics?
No. It’s like with friends. I have friends who lean to the right and friends who lean to the left. Usually there are no conflicts. When there are, it’s because someone is an idiot, not because of their political views.
Have you met Vikernes in person? What if you heard him say that you’re simply left-wing scum?
Never had the chance to meet him. I think he has perspective now, and if he doesn’t, that’s his problem. Would I have to stop enjoying his music because of that? No—that would be absurd. You can’t judge music by what someone says. If that were the case, I would have to lay off not only Burzum but also Johnny Cash and maybe the Polish punk band Armia, too.
Are you a fan of Armia?
I’m a fan of their singer, Tomek Budzynski. I love the way he sings. I think he writes great lyrics, too. Maybe he doesn’t even realise it, but his words are quite … Luciferic …
You’re joking, right?
That’s how I see them—especially the older albums. Listen to the song ‘Niezwyciężony’ (‘Invincible’).
It’s about God, though …
Maybe, but which god? ‘Invincible’ in Latin is ‘Invictus’. One of the most important solar deities of the antiquity is Sol Invictus. Budzynski often refers to themes of sun and light. I know that Christianity adapted some elements of the solar cults. In the fourth age in Rome, it was decreed that from then on, every Sunday was a celebration day. And it was homage to the Invincible Sun.
With time, the gods changed, but the celebration remained. It’s the same as with Christmas: on the 25th of December, people celebrated the birth of the sun.
Whether people like it or not, Christianity is deeply rooted in pagan cults. People of the cross get furious when you tell them that. It highlights the dogma in the special status of their faith. Budzynski, knowingly or not, is quite pagan in his lyrics.
So where’s the Lucifer in those lyrics?
Listen to the song ‘Przebnysk’ (‘Glimmer’) from the same—genius—album, Legendy. ‘Light, glimmer! Light, lead me! You are the way, you are the shore of d
ay.’ It’s clearly about the one who brought fire. And who did that? Lucis ferre—the one who brings light. Lucifer.
It didn’t occur to you that Budzynski could be referring to Christ?
No, and it doesn’t matter. For me, it’s a beautiful homage to Lucifer.
Does rock music have anything to do with Christianity anyway?
Absolutely not. Christian rock is pathology—a classic oxymoron. If somebody wants to play music like that—go ahead. But the facts are, since its very beginnings, rock music has been turned against everything that is conservative.
These are sounds of rebellion. The subjective nature of religion and rock’s ethos are mutually exclusive.
Is rock music mutually exclusive with politics, too? Particularly right-wing politics.
It depends on the politics. It’s just like with Christianity. I find rock Nazis funny, actually: their music comes from the blues, which wasn’t really created by the Hitler Youth but by blacks. Without the immortal pentatonic scale—made by black bluesmen—they wouldn’t be able to build any of their merry fascist songs.
Some people describe Behemoth as right-wing metal. You’ve never commented on that.
I don’t have to. I was never married to Nazism; we never even flirted.
But the black metal scene did. Do people reproach you for that?
What can I do about that? I do admit it, though: there was a time when black metal turned right.
Behemoth didn’t follow?
I don’t think so.
At one point, you referred to the main theme of right-wing bands as being simply old, Slavic gods like Światowid or Perun.
In our case, there was no nationalism involved, but rather a form of local patriotism. It was completely detached from politics. You can browse through our lyrics. There is not a single line with a political context. Besides, as stupid as it might sound, people reproached us for not being political.
Who were they? Perhaps Rob Darken from Graveland—a musician associated with extremely right-wing politics?
Confessions Of A Heretic: The Sacred And The Profane: Behemoth And Beyond Page 7
