by Maisey Yates
The relationship, because it was growing into that, was now beyond her control. She wanted to be with Gage almost more than she wanted her next breath, but she didn’t want to want it. She didn’t want to want him.
She was sitting in her spot in his office, notebook in hand as he briefed her on a new resort property in Goa, India.
“Any concerns regarding the location?” she asked.
“Not that I can foresee. It’s an older resort, and basically we’ll be renovating it and bringing some more tourism into the area.”
“Excellent. I love it when you make my job easy.” She looked up at him and her heart fluttered in her chest.
There was no compartmentalizing. She had thought that Gage, her lover, could be someone different in her mind than Gage, her boss. After all, she’d always been able to set everything aside and focus on her work. But it wasn’t possible. Whenever she looked at him she was flooded by memories of them making love, of him looking at her, his expression tender.
“And I don’t do it very often,” he said.
“You’re getting better.”
“Don’t let that get out.”
She smiled. “I won’t.”
Gage stood from his desk and walked around to where she was sitting, coming to stand behind her before leaning down and kissing her lightly on the neck. “You’re a terrible workplace distraction.”
She closed her eyes. She knew he was making a joke. But it was true for her. He was distracting. She couldn’t think about her job when she was with him. She could only think about him.
“I want to take you out tonight,” he whispered, his hands moving over her shoulders, sparking a fire in her belly.
“You took me out a few days ago. To the wedding reception.”
“No, I want to take you out on a date. Not to a work event designed for networking.”
“Why? So we can have our picture taken together?”
“It wouldn’t hurt.”
It was important, of course. Gage was always seen in public with his woman du jour, and it wouldn’t do for his fiancée to be the exception.
“All right. What do you want to do? And do I need a new dress?” she asked.
“It’s a surprise, and I’ve taken care of everything for you. You’ll come home with me after work, just like we planned.”
She moved away from his touch and stood. “Then I’d better get to work.”
He cupped her chin and kissed her lightly on the lips. “See you later.”
She smiled, and she was afraid it was a little bit of a punch-drunk smile. “See you later.”
She didn’t need to buy a new dress, because there was already one waiting at Gage’s home for her. It was on his bed, zipped up into a garment bag.
“Did you pick this out or did David?” she asked, turning to face Gage, who was standing in the doorway.
“David has terrible fashion sense. I chose it at lunch, but I sent a picture of it to Maddy to make sure it was right.”
It felt a little strange letting him pick out her clothes. She’d never liked it when any of her friends chose an outfit around a boyfriend, or let him dictate their wardrobe. Of course, she was already starting to think of Gage when she shopped. And he wasn’t even her boyfriend, not really. Boyfriend was too insipid of a word for a man like Gage. Lover was more accurate, and more fitting. More arousing.
“I want to see how it looks on you.” He stood there, eyes fixed on her.
“Not with you standing there.”
“I’ve seen you naked before,” he said dryly. “I hope that’s not a shocking revelation for you.”
“It’s different than getting changed in front of someone.”
“It is?”
She nodded. “Yes, it is. So …” She gestured for him to go.
“I’ll go, only because I was taught it was polite not to impose on a lady, but, and this is a promise, I will be stripping that dress from your delectable body later, which renders this show of modesty entirely worthless.”
“Then it’s worthless.” She turned away from him, then said, “I hope you’re a man who keeps his promises.”
“Always.” The door clicked shut behind her and she turned again. Gage was gone, giving her the privacy she’d asked for.
She bent down and unzipped the bag. And laughed. It was bright red, made in a heavy satin fabric, the exact opposite of the type of thing she normally wore. No black, no navy, nothing flowing. Of course. She would have been annoyed, but she appreciated his humor too much.
And the dress was gorgeous, which further absolved him. The sweetheart neckline was sexy, but not overt, which earned him major points since he could have gone plunging. The hem fell just above her knee and there was exquisite pleating at the waist that was extremely flattering to her figure.
There were shoes, too. Black, of course, to defy her usual affinity for colorful shoes. And she found she liked the shoes as well as the dress.
She emerged from the bedroom dressed, her hair down, another style choice she didn’t usually make. “Will this do?” she asked.
Gage stood from where he was sitting on the couch, his expression intense, his eyes roaming over her, the hunger in them compelling, undisguised.
“You’re gorgeous,” he said. “Have I mentioned that?”
Yes, he had, and every time it felt more and more real. “Once or twice.”
“I thought you might appreciate the color choice.”
“It was clear you had my tastes in mind when you picked it. And then decided to go with the opposite. But I do like it.”
“I’m glad, because I’m a big fan.”
He stood and walked over to her, looping one arm around her waist and then moving his other hand to her loose hair, sifting it through his fingers. “You have beautiful hair. I’m captivated by it.”
She sucked in a breath. “You’re an easy man to captivate.”
“No,” he said, his face serious, “I’m not.” He lowered his head and kissed her lightly, the gesture somehow more romantic than if he’d ravished her mouth.
“I’m almost ready,” she said, knowing she sounded as breathless as she felt. “Makeup.”
He followed her into the bathroom and grabbed his razor from the medicine cabinet while she rummaged through the bag she’d brought with her and found a shade of red lipstick that would work well with the dress.
He shaved away his five-o’clock shadow while she put the finishing touches on her look, and the whole time her hands were shaking. It was the sort of thing a married couple would do. At least, the sort of thing she imagined a normal married couple might do.
“I’m ready,” she said. Anything to get away from the house, from this domestic scene that was making her whole body ache with longing she didn’t want to feel.
All eyes were on them as they made their way to a trendy San Diego nightspot. It was because of Gage, she was certain. He drew the attention of men and women. It was more than just his incredible looks, though they were certainly a factor, it was the aura of power that he projected.
He went straight past the maître d’ and led her to a table in the back. “My table,” he said, as he pulled her chair out for her. It was secluded, set back into an alcove that had a curtain just barely drawn back so that the main portion of the dining room was mostly hidden from view.
“You come here often?” she asked facetiously.
“It’s one of my favorite places.”
She wasn’t sure how she felt about coming to a place he went to with other women. She couldn’t feel anything about it. It couldn’t matter. They were here to get attention from the press and the fact that it was one of his usual places made it a good choice to accomplish that. Everything else was moot.
But it didn’t feel like it. It felt vital somehow.
“Our food will be here shortly,” he said.
“You ordered ahead? And without asking what I wanted?”
“No, I always get whatever fresh item they’re
featuring on the menu and they know that.”
The little flutter of panic that had been ready to take flight in her stomach calmed slightly. It was only food, but there was the dress, too, and the shoes. It was the kind of thing she’d always worried about when it came to men and relationships.
He reached across the table and squeezed her hand, just as the waiter was coming with their dinner. She had to wonder if he had done it because he wanted to, or if it was part of the show. She couldn’t worry about it though, not when he was looking at her like she was the only woman he wanted. Like she was the only woman he’d ever wanted.
He was the only man she would want. She couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Couldn’t imagine wanting to be. She’d never met a man to equal him before, and she doubted she ever would. She ignored the trickle of fear she felt as she acknowledged that. Until that moment she’d been pretending that she would simply find someone else when she was ready. When she had physical needs again.
It was a reasonable thought. If she and Gage were only fulfilling a physical need for each other, then wouldn’t anyone do?
No.
“It’s hard to enjoy dinner when all I want is to take you back home make love with you.”
Lily blushed, something Gage found infinitely attractive. That she was capable of the act at all was a novelty, but that wasn’t what it was. It was more than that. With Lily it was always more. He’d attributed it to her being a virgin, but it wasn’t so simple.
Tonight, when she’d walked out of the bedroom in that red dress, he’d known for sure there was more. He wasn’t entirely certain what he was going to do about it, a first for him, but he knew that she wasn’t simply a temporary diversion. Knew that it wasn’t about distracting the press anymore, or even a simple fling. They had passed that point a long time ago.
She looked at him, her expression wicked. “I’m having similar fantasies involving your shirt.”
“You’ve already ruined one of my favorite shirts.”
“It’s for the greater good,” she said, a smile curving those lush red lips.
He loved talking with Lily, loved the way her mind worked, her wit, her sense of humor. Her company. There had never been anyone in his life who added so much. She understood his business, she was wonderful to talk to, and in bed … he had never experienced anything like what they shared when they were together.
Usually by now, he would be bored with a lover. But he couldn’t imagine Lily boring him in any way. And he didn’t know what that meant, what purpose it could possibly serve. He didn’t know how to give love, didn’t know how to receive it. There was Maddy, but she loved him because she’d always needed him. He had no experience with the emotion otherwise. He seriously doubted he was capable of giving it or getting it.
But for now, it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t let it. Tonight he would lose himself in her body again. Tonight he would be inside of her, and when that happened, nothing else seemed to matter quite so much.
They both ate quickly, all thoughts of a photo-op for the press forgotten, and as soon as he paid the check they made a mad rush for his car.
He took her hand and she laughed, walking quickly in her heels. He spun her to him and kissed her, his stomach tightening when she pulled away and he got a good look at her gorgeous face, at her beautiful smile.
“We should hurry,” he said, his constricted throat making speech a near impossibility.
“I agree.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
BEING with Gage, making love with Gage, was always amazing. But it had never been like this. His hands moved over her curves, his touch reverent, his lips soft but urgent on her skin. And when he claimed her, surged into her body, she truly felt as though she didn’t know where she began and he ended.
She dug her nails into his shoulders, locked him more tightly against her by wrapping her legs around his hips and she arched into him and gave in to the pleasure that was coursing through her body. But it was more than that. More than just a physical reaction brought on by sexual arousal and release.
His body went taut above hers, the tendons in his neck standing out, a hoarse grunt signaling his orgasm. She held him to her, felt his heart beating hard against her chest. It was so much more than sex. So much more than a fling.
And she didn’t think she could face it.
Before she and Gage had started sleeping together, they’d been colleagues, they’d almost been friends and then they’d moved into being lovers. But now it had moved beyond that. There was so much more. It made her heart feel like it was too big for her chest, made her entire body ache. And it also made her feel more alive than she’d ever been. And it terrified her.
She shifted beneath him and he rolled off of her, settling beside her. She squeezed her eyes tightly, hoping that she wasn’t about to embarrass herself by crying postclimax again. Only this time it wouldn’t simply be due to the release. It was all about the feelings that were exploding inside of her.
Gage gathered her close and she went willingly into his arms. Even though it seemed necessary to her control that she have some distance, she just couldn’t bring herself to leave. She wanted to be with him.
He laced his fingers through her and kissed her shoulder, the gesture one of tenderness, caring. A gesture that made it hard for her to breathe.
“Thank you for what you’ve done for Maddy,” he said, his voice rough, his breathing harsh.
She felt a twinge in her chest. She didn’t want what had just happened between them, what had been happening between them for the past couple of weeks, to be her thank-you for helping out his sister.
“Of course,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady.
“She’s had to deal with enough without adding this … I can never forgive my parents for what they’ve done to her.” He tightened his hold on her. “The worst part is, I would be an even worse father than my own was.”
She turned to face him. “Why do you think that?”
“My work is my mistress. And just like a real mistress, it tends to get in the way of your real family.”
“But you raised Madeline.”
He nodded. “I did. And I wouldn’t trade it. She’s wonderful. But I put a lot on hold for her and if I were going to have children I would have to do it again.”
She nodded. “That’s true.”
“You don’t want kids, do you?”
She bit her lip, the flow of emotion that was pumping through her a mystery. “No. I have the same problem with my job that you have.”
She’d never planned on having children, never wanted to get married, but suddenly, the idea seemed sad to her. Listening to Gage outline just why it was impractical for either of them to ever have a family made everything seem so final. And he was right.
But for one crazy moment she wished that he weren’t. She wished they were different people. People who knew how to have relationships. But if time weren’t the issue, it would be something else.
“Maddy and I … we love each other. We grew to depend on each other out of necessity. But … I don’t think I have any more to give,” he said.
She looked at him. His eyes were closed now, his body relaxing, readying for sleep. She’d fallen asleep next to Gage every night this week, listening to his deep, even breathing. And someday that would be gone. It would have to be. There was no future for them.
Pain hit her square in the chest, stole her breath.
She loved him.
She loved him, and she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to be in this relationship, didn’t want to have to sacrifice her ambitions, didn’t want to deviate from her life plans. There was no way either of them could make anything like a marriage work, not when their businesses took up all of their time.
Not when she was afraid of what it meant to be in love.
What if they grew to hate each other as much as they cared for each other now? When the misery set in, misery because they’d had to compromise too much, because
Gage was tired of her, what would she be left with?
She almost laughed. She might be in love, but Gage wasn’t in love with her. He’d said more than once that he didn’t do serious and for him, this was just another fling, another strictly physical relationship. And now he’d outlined, in clear detail, why he wasn’t meant for fatherhood or marriage.
She’d fooled herself into thinking she wanted a fling, but it had always been about more than that. She’d wanted to move past all of the issues that still hung over her head. Wanted to erase her mother’s influence in her life if possible.
And instead she’d landed herself in a mess her mother would have reveled in. She loved a man who would never love her back. She loved a man she didn’t want to love. She was in the relationship she’d never wanted.
She slid out of his arms and went into the living room, clutching her arms, trying to keep herself from shivering.
It didn’t matter how she felt about Gage.
She laughed out loud into the empty room. It did matter. Now that she knew what her feelings meant, she knew she had to finish with him. She shook her head. She’d done what she’d promised herself, and him, she wouldn’t. She’d fallen in love with her first lover.
She sank onto the couch and drew her knees up to her chest, her heart pounding so hard she thought it might break. The pain so severe she was certain it already was.
She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t stay. Not feeling like she did.
A tear slid down her cheek.
She was so afraid that if she stayed, she would give him everything. Everything she’d learned to hold inside, all of the emotions she’d learned to carefully suppress. And they wouldn’t be enough for him, either. She wasn’t enough. She never had been. Her love hadn’t been enough for her own mother, why would it mean anything to him?
She pressed the heels of her hands hard against her eyes and tried to block the flow of tears. She had to be strong. She had to end it. Before he did it for her.
