Letting Go

by Katie George

  Chapter Eighteen

  Joel

  THE BLUE PAINTED walls of the aquarium dulled Joel’s interest in the world, at least for the time being. He stood at the base of a tank of stingrays mopping the floors. It was Thursday afternoon, a day in June he couldn’t identify, and he was so bored he could have clawed his eyes out and still remained passive. Even the fish couldn’t keep his interest, and he was about to fall over and fall asleep in the little cove when an elderly man and a young boy came up to him and asked him where the restroom was. After answering, he found himself in a ten-minute-long conversation about Vietnam. Eventually, in the midst of the long tête-à-tête, he saw a flash of chocolate hair, and he innately knew who the hair belonged to. He silenced the thud in his heart and continued to speak with the old man, who tried to convince him to serve his country. When he finally toddled away, Sarah appeared, standing before him like a princess. There was no way he could have fallen for Eleanor with Sarah before him, radiating like diamonds.

  “Sarah,” he said, finding the mop in his hands. His entire focus had sharpened with the approach of the beautiful girl. “Sarah, what are you doing?”

  “When do you get off work?”

  He looked down at his watch. “An hour. Why?”

  “I’m going to wait for you outside. My bike’s nearby.”

  “You biked all the way out here? That must’ve taken an hour.”

  “It’s okay. I need to talk to you. And in private.”

  “Sure, sure. I’ll try to leave a few minutes early.”

  “No need,” she said, throwing her long hair over her shoulder. How attractive could one girl be? This attraction was something different, Joel thought, than his previous experiments. He didn’t believe she could change him, but he did believe she was different than everybody else. And this worried him.

  He spent the next hour sluggishly mopping the floor before leaving as soon as possible, running out back to his Jeep so he could drive around front. This was where the large mural of dolphins welcoming all to the aquarium seemed spectacular in the setting sun. Sarah sat at a bench, reading a novel, her bike lying at her feet. In the moments before she noticed him staring at her, he understood something was beating in his heart besides the regular rhythm, where blood pumped and ventricles lived. Instead, something overtook his spirit, and he wanted nothing less than to impress her.

  “Hey, Sarah!” he called out. He jumped out of the front seat and lifted the bike, motioning to stuff it in the backseat.

  “Are you sure?” she called out, tossing her book in the front seat.

  “Don’t even start with me. I’m driving you home. Deal with it, okay?”

  “Okay.” She smiled.

  He stopped in front of her, careful not to touch her, but close enough so he could feel nervous. Her eyes were intense, and her body language was still somewhat standoffish, which he appreciated. She would never be the one to throw herself at him. “Can we start over? Yes, I admit, John Cruston was my drug dealer. Also, Karli and I once had a fling. I am freaking sorry about that, and I promise, those were mistakes. Complete, foolish mistakes. I’m not perfect, Sarah Towson, and I guarantee you I will never be on your level. But I want to try.”

  She smiled, and it met her eyes. “Joel, I forgive you. You didn’t do anything wrong—to me at least.” She held out her hand. “I appreciate your helping me.”

  He shook back. “Friends? Plus, I never slept with Karli, by the way.”

  She nodded. “Friends.”

  “What do you need to tell me?”

  “Come on. Let’s go someplace. Are you hungry? Or if you aren’t, we could head to the beach?”

  “Sarah, this isn’t like you. Should I be worried?”

  She sighed a nervous sigh like something was beating her up on the inside. “Yes, you should, and I’m worried too. But you need to trust me.”

  “Okay. We can go to Jimmy J’s, take the food to the trails at Fordham Point. By chance, did you bring bug spray?”

  She pulled a canister from her hipster bag, along with pepper spray. “I’m always prepared.” She winked.

  “Sarah, what is up with you? You’re not going to roast me for dinner, right?”

  She laughed. “Yes, that’s definitely on the agenda.”

  “Well…”

  He turned left at the next intersection and sped down the road to Jimmy J’s, hoping Alex would not be at work. A few minutes later, they went through the drive-thru and ordered before collecting their burgers and heading down to Fordham Point.

  Fordham Point was a little park on the edge of town, with tons of hiking trails snaking into the natural swamplands and greenery. Birdwatchers loved Fordham because hundreds of types of birds called the park home, but mostly, people liked to jog there. Away from the coast, but not too far away, it offered a relaxing aura most people would not dream about in the city. Plus, it was never crowded. Never.

  Joel pulled into the park, passing a group of women with their children at the playsets. He whipped his car into a spot near a collection of benches at the beginning touch of the verdant forest, where a sign cautioned all who wished to use the trails.

  He and Sarah walked to a nearby picnic table, their bags of fast food in tow, Sarah slurping on a Coke. Eventually, they were positioned across from each other and Joel said, “Well, what do you need to tell me?”

  She took a bite from her cheeseburger. “Nah. Let’s wait for that, okay? Right now, let’s just sit and watch nature.”

  Joel cocked an eyebrow. “You mean the little kids screaming their lungs out behind me?” It was true; the noise was like a cacophony. Since they were behind him, Sarah was able to see a little boy running around with his palms in the air, screaming for dear life. Then his mother panned into view, running after him as best she could.

  “Oh, kids.”

  “Do you want any?”

  Sarah shrugged. “I guess.”

  “Same.”

  “We’re too kidlike to think about kids.”

  “Amen.”

  She smiled, the blue in her eyes dazzling him. Then she looked down at the table. “You see, we still have a lot of life left, and kids can come later. I’m nineteen. I’m too busy thinking about how I’m going to survive in the real world one day.”

  “You already are.”

  Sarah shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

  “You live three thousand miles away from your family. I would consider that living in the real world.”

  “I guess.”

  “You guess? C’mon, Sarah.”

  There was a moment of silence. A piece of lettuce hung from Joel’s upper lip before he licked it away. Sarah smiled. “You see, I would never have pictured you to be like this.”

  He shrugged, wiping a napkin across his lips. “What do you mean?”

  “Back when we sat in the same classroom, before I knew you like now, I thought you were…”

  “A jerk?” He finished for her, nodding with a semblance of lackadaisical mannerism. “And I thought you were uppity and persnickety.”

  She ignored the hurt associated with his comment, because she knew—deep down—it was true. “Fair assessment. You can’t judge a book by its cover, right?”

  The fading light cast a glow across Joel’s frame, lighting him up like a candle. He was so handsome, Sarah thought, and even in the midst of their trek to find Karli, she hadn’t been as attracted to him as she felt now. Something inside her wanted to dive deeper into this relationship and discover if there was something there. Of course she couldn’t tell how Joel would take her news, but she hoped he would not hold it against her. She believed she was doing the right thing—in his case at least.

  “Sarah Towson,” Joel said, throwing his trash into the bag, before slamming his wrists against the table. He stared at her with his warm, intense eyes, and said, “You are unlike anybody I’ve ever met. Don’t forget that, okay?”

  “No one is identical,” she pointed out.


  He rolled his eyes. “C’mon. You know what I mean. Anyway, we’re done with dinner. Tell me your news. It must be sorta juicy, if you’d bike an hour to visit a jerk like me.”

  “Stop. I don’t think you’re a jerk,” she said as they stood. She had to stare up into his eyes. Ignoring the steady thrum inside her, she pulled on her shirt and said, “I really don’t think you’re a jerk. You’re a good person. Now, come on. Let’s go for a walk, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Joel and Sarah found themselves on the boardwalk, passing by little placards explaining the flora and fauna of the area. The humidity mingled with their nerves at being around each other, and they cared nothing for the natural atmosphere around them, because they were—in all reality—focused on each other.

  Eventually, Sarah said, “I need you to trust me—and to be honest with me.”

  “Okay.”

  She paused as a jogger rushed past them. She recognized the woman as the owner of a boutique on the southeastern edge of town proper. They sat down at a bench on the brim of swampland, and as the cicadas bleated, Sarah began.

  She told him everything in its entirety. How she’d had her suspicions, and when she’d discovered the truth, she’d talked to Mother Elsie about how to proceed, and of course, the old woman told her to be honest with Joel.

  “So, I think you have a sister,” was all Sarah could say when she finished the speech.

  Joel was mortified, sitting rooted in place like a thousand-year-old tree. He didn’t look at her, nor did he feel anything for a while, except the trauma from numbness, and when he finally found his voice, it was to say, “Wow.”

  “You know why I told you this, right?” Sarah asked, terrified she’d alienated him and their friendship, when he was all she had at the moment.

  Joel nodded. “Thanks, Sarah.” The lilt of his voice had lost some of its playfulness, but he turned, and under veiled eyelashes, she saw his eyes held no malice toward her. “Thanks for telling me when no one else would. Am I the only person who doesn’t know?”

  “Maybe we’re wrong. Maybe we’re totally wrong, and I don’t want to stir the pot…”

  “You know, it doesn’t even matter anymore. If I have a sister, okay. It would explain my parents’ divorce right now. Dad’s living on his own, and Mom’s freaking all the time.”

  Sarah breathed. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, so am I. But seriously, does the whole town know, and I’m late to the party?”

  “No. It’s rather complicated how I found out. The woman and her child are living in town, and my parents happened to know her from high school.”

  Joel brought his long legs up underneath his chin.

  “Do you want me to leave?”

  “Please don’t. Leave your propriety. The last thing I want to be is alone right now.”

  Sarah nodded and sat by him, the flash of lightning bugs dim against the backdrop of the falling sun. She occasionally glanced at him, finding his sitting position childlike, but he had to cope somehow. She flicked a piece of dirt from her upper arm and found herself humming. Which inevitably drifted her thoughts to Karli, her best friend from childhood to eighteen. Now a mother. Maybe even a wife.

  Their lives had always been set on different tracks, but now, it felt even farther apart than ever. Karli’s words resounded in her head, from that summer night a year ago: You’ll never see me again anyway, so why do you care? You always have to get the upper hand over everybody, and no one even likes you, except me. So why do you think you can…

  “Sarah,” Joel whispered, breaking her from this reverie. He pointed to a gorgeous blue butterfly that landed on his tennis shoe.

  Sarah reached out to touch it, but it flew away, flapping its wings like turning pages in a book. She jumped up and started to chase it, down the boardwalk, past a man walking his dogs, through the humidity and Joel’s presence, and found herself letting loose for the first time in a long time.

  Suddenly she heard him behind her, and he screamed, “Seriously?”

  “Yes!” She jumped off the boardwalk and found herself in a little grove of large wisteria trees. The butterfly landed on a large boulder sitting underneath a baby shrub. She reached out to touch it, but it flew away again. Instead of chasing it again, Sarah turned and found Joel staring around the little cluster of trees, before intently looking up into the approaching night sky.

  When their eyes locked again, Sarah shyly looked away first and jumped back on the boardwalk. They still had a half-mile walk back to his Jeep, and she needed to get home at a reasonable hour to not set off her parents, who thought she was at Destiny’s. They knew Sarah did not stay out late, so they would expect her home around nine, ten at the latest.

  Joel and Sarah moseyed down the path in quiet understanding. Eventually, they came across a woman with two children: a little girl in a stroller, and the other a boy of four or five. It was like a maternal instinct, deep within Sarah’s bones, that made her sprint as fast as she could to collect the boy in her arms. She saw his little chubby hands reaching out in front of him as he fell from the wood platform, his mother looking at the little girl. When she turned her back, it was too late; but then a young woman appeared, jumping to grab the boy, and then the two toppled over into the muddy earth. The boy was safe.

  “Oh my gosh!” the woman cried, jumping down, Joel right behind her.

  “Mommy!” the boy screamed.

  Sarah knew her ankle was hurt, but her heart was palpitating because she had done the right thing. Then, as she analyzed her surroundings, she found herself being lifted up into Joel’s sturdy arms, and she was staring directly into his eyes. He was holding her, like some knight in shining armor, and Sarah realized she had been lost in him for a lot longer than she previously imagined.

  He placed her on the boardwalk, ending their physical contact far too soon, but the woman appeared and profusely thanked her. “You saved my son! How can I repay you? Please, let me…”

  “It was nothing,” Sarah said. I already got my payment.

  “But your ankle,” the woman protested. “You’re hurt.”

  Sarah’s ankle was throbbing, but something else was pumping harder, and she was distracted by a mixture of adrenaline and attraction. She shook her head. “No problem. I’ll be okay. Just needed to make sure he was okay.”

  “Thanks! God exists!” the woman called out.

  Joel and Sarah continued their walk down the boardwalk, and when they finally made it out of the woman’s viewpoint, Sarah clutched her foot and said, “Dear goodness, it hurts. I’m going to need ice. And the other thing is, how am I going to lie about this?”

  “What do you mean?” Joel asked, his grin annoyingly cocky. “First of all, I’m going to carry you to the Jeep, and don’t even think about rebutting. Also, what do you have to lie about?”

  Sarah gulped. “You’re not serious, are you? About carrying me?”

  “You’re light as a feather.” I’m just not that strong, his arms protested. Joel shook it off. He was lanky and not exactly a man of muscle, but he could handle carrying a pretty and skinny girl like Sarah a few feet. It would be exercise anyway.

  “About the lying, I told my parents I was at Destiny’s. I’m not supposed to be around you. I guess I figured out why now.”

  “Because they knew your honesty only applies to me, right?” He winked at her. “Get it?”

  She nodded. It was a double standard, but then she was in his arms again, wrapping her wrists around his neck like they were in love, and she rested her head on his shoulder after a few awkward seconds. A few minutes into their walk, Joel was perspiring and turning red, and Sarah insisted on walking again.

  “I’ll carry you on my back,” Joel responded.

  “It’s not like I lost a foot.”

  So they managed to walk slower than molasses until they found the Jeep again. It was almost nine-thirty by this point, and they concocted a reasonable story to get themselves out of the doghouse of
lies. Simply Sarah and Destiny had gone to Fordham Point, and she’d saved a child from falling but crunched her ankle as a response.

  Joel was quiet on the drive home, thinking about all Sarah had told him. For a moment he wondered if she was mistaken, but at the same time, her parents were always part of the news crew around town. They had been rooted in Breezewater for generations. He wasn’t sure how to proceed, until he pulled into Sarah’s subdivision, but far enough away from her house not to arouse suspicion. She pulled out her bike and began hobbling again.

  Joel smiled at her and said, “Thanks for telling me. I mean it.”

  “And remember what I said. You can’t tell anyone I told you—not yet.”