Letting Go
Page 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
Joel
JOEL COULD NOT lie to himself. He was avoiding Sarah.
Was she ashamed of him? It had to be possible. She wasn’t perfect, but her life always looked like it, and his was nothing less than in shambles. It was more than probable that she would avoid him at all costs in the public eye because of all she knew him to be.
He didn’t answer her texts as quickly as before, even though something in his chest babbled like a brook of grief. He liked her so much, but rejection is never easy.
Eventually, he gathered the gumption to ask her out to lunch on the Tuesday before the dance. It was July 2nd, signaling almost half of summer had zapped by, and this solidified his hatred of July. It was nothing more than a lazy, sloth summer month.
They still kept their relationship a secret, hiding so Sarah’s parents would never find out. Joel wondered what their relationship could even be defined as. It was impossible to classify it as just a friendship, because it was not viable for him to only be her friend. There was much more to this than friendship.
He had accepted Manny’s proposal of leaving town the following week for Myrtle Beach, because he needed a break from the grind. His father had come to dinner one night when Juliet had been working, and it was nothing less than horrendous, because Joel knew instinctively that his father was keeping a mammoth-sized secret hidden in the cave of his heart. Chloe had been infatuated, like it was Christmas day, but Joel and Ethan eventually got into it as they cleaned up the dishes. When Juliet came home much later, she tearfully told Joel she had signed divorce papers two days before, and Ethan was still stinging about it.
So when he and Sarah took some fast food to Harrisville Lake, there was some awkwardness, but there always had been. He was in a mood, he knew, partially caused by Brie’s assertions that seemed somewhat accurate, and also because of the entire Sealet name. A lot had transpired over the past month, enough to shake anyone to the core, but he was a private guy, and it would do no good to bring any of this up.
Sarah was quiet too. She was always demure, but this was an exception. She chomped into her cheeseburger and stared at the lake.
“What happened?” he asked as he dug a fry into some catsup.
Sarah sighed. “It’s just my sister. Alison. She’s in her mid-twenties, and she’s married, and she hates me. She hates me so much that she called Mom and told her she saw me running around town with a guy who looked an awful lot like Joel Sealet. Of course, Mom flipped out and interrogated me for an entire hour before I finally convinced her I don’t talk to you.”
A seed of loneliness mushroomed in his gut. Had Sarah admitted to denying his presence in her life? She had.
Sarah turned and a pleading look crossed her eyes. “Why are we hiding our friendship, Joel? People are friends with others. We’re nineteen, and we get to make our own decisions.”
“Not if your parents pay your tuition,” he pointed out, but this didn’t help his case for wanting to be open about this.
She swatted him. “I’m just saying, I like you, Joel, and I’ve never hidden a relationship like this before. It’s downright toxic. But I’m also afraid that we’re going to stir a lot of drama if we…”
A hummingbird drifted by them, the glittering lake beyond sparkling in the afternoon light.
“If we… If we appear in public together.”
“Why don’t we take it as time comes? Sarah, I hate to bring this to your attention, but Harrisville Lake is a very public place.”
“We walked nearly a mile over here so that no one would spot us.”
“But if we want to be open, I’m going to feel even more pressure to spill my father’s secret. Do you know how it is tearing me up inside? I kept your promise, but it’s eating me alive.”
“I’m sorry I did that to you.”
“But I have to continue to wait, at least until we’re open about being together.” Joel couldn’t help but have a mocking tone.
Sarah frowned. “Joel, I’m sorry, okay? But I need you to keep your secret just a little while longer.”
“The secret doesn’t even pertain to you, except that you can’t have your ritzy parents knowing about our friendship.”
Sarah looked at her feet. “It’s just a precaution.”
“It’s not just a precaution,” he said, his voice alleviated by emerging from the shadows. “This is my life, Sarah. This involves me directly. And I’ve honored your secret for a good few weeks now, and I’m sick of hiding. I’m sick of the secret hiding like we’re Romeo and Juliet or something. We’re not star-crossed lovers. We’re not even that close of friends.” The continued anxiety in his voice began to transform into something resonant.
Sarah, however, did not agree. “Joel, I’m asking you for more time.”
“What is more time going to do to anything? Our lives have already been dictated by destiny, and I’m sick of it.” He stood up and cupped his mouth, so that he called over the still waters, “Sarah Towson and Joel Sealet are in a friendship!”
Sarah smiled at this and rolled her eyes. “You have to be so dramatic, don’t you?”
Joel sat back on their bench. “Yes, I do, because unlike you, I want my emotions to be seen, heard, and reflected. You keep everything buried down.”
“Buried down isn’t a bad place to be.”
“Sarah, it is. Let me just tell you: It is.”
JOEL WAS ANNOYED. He picked up his suit and tie, plus the tea rose boutonniere and corsage at the local tux rental, and later went to lunch with a group of his college friends in the midst of Savannah. They’d talked about the normalcies of life, how a lot of them had already been to the hot beaches in Florida and the like. Joel found himself happy to be with them, but his mind was drifting to a place of awareness. Awareness that he was changing, and changing because… Maturity?
He hadn’t smoked any weed in a few weeks, and it was saving him money to break the habit. He wondered if he would have a relapse anytime soon, but the real issue would be returning to college, to the apartment with his friends, where it was the accepted norm. He decided not to worry about those future things, and instead, after the lunch was over, he drove over to his old school.
He did this occasionally for memory’s sake. The building was still intact, just like he knew it would be. It was a private Christian school founded in the 1970s, its beachy feel unique and friendly. He’d made a lot of good friends there, but also had some terrible times, like anyone had, probably. He remembered his first day at the school back in freshman year, how he’d hunted for a spot to eat while everyone else took their positions because they already knew their place.
Something in him stirred. Like a dormant volcano, he remembered Sarah’s friends inviting him to their table for his first lunch. He never sat with them again; they were too vocal and annoying. Yet the fact they’d invited him… That said a lot.
He tried to think back to that time. How he had to make friends and fit in. Wasn’t he still doing that anyway, though? He was nineteen-years-old, hardly old enough to make a sound decision. He couldn’t grasp commitment and the future seemed bigger than a New York City skyscraper.
His head hurt for a few seconds. He pulled into a spot near the playground. His memories enshrined him in a ravine of volatility. He’d met his first girlfriend here. He’d made some close friends, including Alex McFarland. He had witnessed things just short of miracles, and he’d witnessed unimaginable hardships. A few adults sprinkled out of the building, and he decided to drive away.
Oh, sometimes how memories killed the insides of the human body. He felt like his brain had slipped out of its cavity.
Nothing could quench the pain.
THE BRIGHT BLUE sky contrasted the greenery; yet nothing green mattered. All Joel could do was gape, because he knew he was in trouble. Chloe started blabbing at him, pulling on his collar, but he wasn’t focused on her. He, unfortunately, was bewitched.