“No you don’t,” I whispered. “I promise you, you don’t.”
“Tell me,” he demanded, taking a step forward and gripping my hands in his.
“Tell you what?” I turned my head, afraid to meet his eyes.
“Ivy, don’t,” his voice grated against my heartstrings, rough and violent, demanding and authoritative. And it was like my entire being responded to him, like my soul sat up straight and my blood buzzed attentively in my veins. He pulled at me.
And that terrified me.
“Ryder I can’t…. there is nothing to tell,” I argued.
He took a step forward. “I want to help you. I want to be your friend, but you have to let me.”
This did not feel like friendship.
I turned my head away and avoided his eyes some more. This tactic wasn’t really working, but I wasn’t strong enough to leave him so it would have to do.
“Ok, then start with Sam. Will you tell me about Sam?” That damn voice. I regretfully looked up at the soft, pleading tone of his voice and he trapped me. Paralyzed me. And then bewitched me. “Please, Ivy. Help me understand.”
I hesitated for as long as I could, for an entire two minutes, and then I caved, “Sam Evans…. we dated last year. He was a senior and I was a sophomore. But, um, he was on the basketball team and I was kind of working my way through dating them all.” A blush flooded my face and for the first time what my life represented and the expectations Nix and my mother had on me humiliated me.
“Ivy, it’s Ok, you can trust me,” he swore in a way that I had no choice but to believe him.
I pulled some courage from places I didn’t think I had, and cleared my throat. “By the time Sam and I started dating, I had already been through the point guard, the center and some of the second string. I was tired of dating…. tired of, just tired of it all. And I really liked Sam. He was nicer than some of the other guys, more laid back. He didn’t… he wasn’t always pushing me.” I cleared my throat again; a little surprised I admitted that much. I couldn’t bear to look at Ryder, I was too embarrassed but I felt his body tense until he was rigid and every muscle was hard. “Um, anyway, Sam and I clicked in a way that I hadn’t ever clicked with anybody before and I don’t know. When it was time to break up with him, I just couldn’t. I liked him, like really liked him. So we dated for a while, almost four months. But things started to get serious and I wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t really ready for that either, you know? But he thought he was. And then, it was spring and he had this scholarship to play basketball out of state, but he started talking about staying here and giving it up, just to be close to me. I didn’t mean to do that to him, to ruin his life. I just liked being around him, I just wanted a little bit of a break from the constant wannabe date rapists and…. I just…. For the first time, Sam saw me, really me, not the pretty package I’m wrapped in and I was selfish with that.” A tear slipped down my cheek but I was too wrapped up in the ugly memories to wipe it away. “But I couldn’t let him give up his scholarship. Or stay here for me. He needed to live his life, and he wouldn’t…. couldn’t see that. So I broke up with him. I had to, I mean it was time. But he took it really, really hard. And then we were at this party. We didn’t go together, but we ran into each other there. And he was drunk, like really, really drunk. But when he saw me…. He just broke. I broke him. And then he stormed out of the party, so I chased after him; I mean I couldn’t let him drive like that. But he was bigger than me and I called for help, but everyone there was pretty much toasted. And anyway, I jumped in the car with him, thinking I could, I don’t know, convince him to stop, or pull over or something. But he was pissed, and so…. hurt. He just took off and before I knew it we were on the wrong side of the road going like seventy-five and then…. and the next thing I knew I was in the hospital. I had buckled my seatbelt, but Sam had not. No one else was hurt, he crashed into the median and the car flipped and rolled eventually into a light pole, but it was late enough that there weren’t any other cars on the road. Sam was thrown from the car on the first roll, but the car landed on top of him. He’s in a wheelchair now, and he won’t be able to talk ever again, or walk again. He’ll never be able to play basketball again.” The tears were streaming now, huge, messy rivers of tears that mixed with snot and ran down my face. I wiped at my face with my sleeves and makeup and wetness stained the white fabric.
Ryder let me hiccup a sob one time before he pulled me against his chest and wrapped his arms around me. One hand tangled in the back of my hair, pressing my skull against his breastbone, and the other hugged me around the waist so that there was absolutely no space between us. More sobs burst from my lungs, like lava from a volcano and they came in a torrential downpour of emotion I wasn’t prepared for.
Emotion I promised myself was buried away.
“Ivy, what happened to Sam is not your fault. He should never have been driving and he should never have tried to medicate his pain with alcohol. You cannot blame yourself,” Ryder ordered in a hoarse, pained whisper.
“Yes, I can,” I snapped, the sadness abruptly replaced with anger. “You have no idea. Everything was my fault. Everything.”
Ryder pulled away from me and tried to look in my eyes, but I ducked my head away. I was ashamed and ugly with emotion.
Finally, he settled on, “Why is it your fault, Ivy?”
“Because of who I am!” I screamed at him. I was tired of his calm, placating tone. He couldn’t sooth me, not this. This was pain he couldn’t take away. “Because of what I do! I destroy lives. That’s my whole purpose. Sam, all the boys before him, Chase, you! The crash was my fault. If he never would have met me, he would have been safe!”
Ryder met my fierce emotion with his own angered conviction, “Why Ivy? What does his crash have to do with you? What does who you are have to do with any of it?”
“It’s crazy,” I let out hysterical laughter that came out rough and course in my winded lungs. “You’ll think I’m crazy.”
“I already think you’re crazy,” he admitted and this time my laughter was less crazed and more genuine.
“Siren. I’m a, uh, I’m a siren,” the words rushed out of me in a waterfall of truth I would never be able to take back. Ryder let go of my arms and took a step back, completely shocked, or stunned, or…. I didn’t know. I couldn’t imagine being told something as crazy as that for the first time. “I told you, I told you you would think I was crazy. And it is crazy! It’s completely f-ing nuts.”
“What do you mean you’re a siren?” Ryder bit through my hysterics with a cold, demanding order.
“Greek mythology? Zeus, Mount Olympus? Gods and goddesses, nymphs, muses…. sirens? I am a siren,” Sanity started to return to me once the truth was out there. And shockingly my breath came easier and my shoulders straightened out. Whether Ryder ever believed me or not, I felt better knowing I came clean to somebody. “It’s all true, Ryder. All of it. Well, Ok, not all of it. Not in the context you read about it at school. And Mount Olympus isn’t like some reference to heaven, it’s just a normal mountain. But the rest of it’s…. somewhat true.”
“I don’t understand, Ivy. Is this like, a, uh, uh, metaphor?” It was like he was begging me to say yes, his entire body bent forward, his eyes pleading…. he needed me to say yes, that this was all just one big giant metaphor for life and I wasn’t completely insane after all.
“No, it’s not a metaphor. Ryder, this is truth. Or at least my truth, what I’ve lived with my whole life. But you have to look at it differently, like it’s not this exaggerated fairy tale that you’re taught in school. The legends are embellished to pander to their egos, but for the most part…. they’re true. And our society, it’s not like it was way back in the day. I mean, there are not that many of us and we all just kind of blend into the rest of humanity now. But, the guys, the attention, Sam’s crash…. It’s because I’m a siren. That’s what I do to men.”
“Explain it to me slower,” Ryder growled out and I co
uldn’t tell if he was starting to believe me or not.
“Men feel attracted to me because they can’t help it. I’ve been cursed since birth by this…. genealogy. I don’t have a choice about what I do to guys, it just happens. And the more time I spend with any one guy, the deeper the connection for me they feel, the harder it is to get away from. That’s what happened to Sam, he spent too much time with me until I destroyed him and then the crash? That was just like the end of the road with someone like me. The ultimate closure,” I laughed bitterly.
“The crash was on purpose?” Ryder gasped, gripping my forearms in his strong hands.
“No!” I quickly reassured. “No, it wasn’t on purpose, but it wasn’t necessarily avoidable either. I mean, that kind of stuff hasn’t happened in a really long time. We don’t lure sailors to their graves anymore or anything like that. For the most part, whatever elevated evolution we possessed back in the day is mostly gone by now, but then the crash with Sam happened and my circle, um, my little sect of people like myself look at it like a sign, like a good sign of things to come.”
“You want to be able to hurt people?” Ryder’s grip tightened on my arms, and I winced a little. He immediately dropped my arms and turned away like he couldn’t stomach looking at me. I couldn’t let myself hope that he believed me, that he wouldn’t cut off all communication with me after this conversation, but I had to keep talking, I had to make him understand I wasn’t like them.
“No, not me, I’m not like them. I never wanted to hurt Sam, to hurt anybody. I don’t want this life. But I was born into it. Right now, I don’t have a choice. But I have this trust fund. I’m planning on…. You are planning on going to college, or whatever and I’m, I just have to get out.”
Ryder let that sink in, his breathing was deep and measured and his eyes smooth silver in thought. Finally he looked up at me, his jawline tensed with some kind of emotion I couldn’t figure out. “Suppose I…. suppose I believe you. Who’s Nix?”
“My um, godfather,” I explained but that didn’t really explain anything.
“No way, Ivy. The way that guy looks at you, how he acts around you…. it’s like he’s trying to own you. Like you’re his possession. Who is he? You’ve been honest with me this far.” His words cut at me like razor blades, but he was right. I had been honest this far.
“In the big perspective he’s Poseidon’s nephew. I wasn’t lying, he really is my godfather. But he’s also my mom’s boss. And he’ll be mine too one day. I mean, if the trust fund plan doesn’t pan out.”
“And by boss you mean what? What does your mom do?” he questioned me with enough resentment that I wondered if he was starting to get it.
“My mom, um, all of us, once we reach a certain age are required to work, to contribute to the general fund. We’re raised and groomed to be these perfect women, so that we can use our natural charm to entrap men. Marry them, take their money, destroy their lives or what’s left of them and move on. Or watch them die if we’re really talented and are good at picking them.”
“And Nix?” Ryder asked again.
“He’s in charge of it all,” I half shouted in exasperation. “He sets up the meetings, or flies in to assess our work. He controls my mother’s life. And mine. He, he wants me to date you. You’re supposed to be my next…. conquest,” I shuddered at the word. “In high school we date for practice, it’s like training. We’re not actually allowed to sleep with anybody, not that I would or anything, but our virginity, it’s like part of our initiation.”
“Oh my lord,” Ryder spat out with so much hatred and disgust that I cringed. “You’re in the sex slave industry. You’re a goddamn sex slave.”
“What?” I shrieked because I hadn’t figured he would jump there that fast. And despite all my truth telling, all the honesty that I spewed like vomit, I still couldn’t admit that fact out loud. It was too ugly, too pathetic. “Didn’t you just hear me? I have to keep my virginity. I’m not like a prostitute or anything.”
“No you’re not, not yet. Don’t you see how sick this is? How twisted?” And he really did look like he was going to be sick.
And it was the look on his face more than his words that finally broke me, “Yes, Ryder! Damn it, of course I do!” I crumpled against the building, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. I dissolved in to tears again, the weight of everything pressing down so tightly I couldn’t breathe.
“Oh hell, Ivy,” Ryder’s voice cracked and he slid down the wall next to me. He put a solid arm around my back and when I didn’t shrink away he pulled me against him again.
I wept into his chest, more ugliness and brokenness than I knew what to do with. When the reality of my life passed, new hysteria broke out at the realization I just included Ryder in my screwed up world. He wasn’t supposed to know any of this and I had all but written him a manual.
“Hey, it’s going to be alright, we’re going to get you out of this,” he soothed into my hair, his lips pressed against my head. “My dad can help. We can go to the authorities. Maybe not tell them everything, but enough so that they know you’re in trouble. Child Protective Services can help. We will get you out of this.”
My head snapped up, my eyes cleared. I hadn’t thought this through enough to realize Ryder would of course want to help. “Ryder, we can’t go to the police, are you crazy? First of all, this is nothing like what you see on TV. This is highly protected and nothing is done illegally. Nix owns several corporations; he’s a world renowned businessman. So the local police aren’t going to be able to find anything dirty on him. And as far as my mom goes, or any of the other women in our circle, by the time they get involved they go willingly. It’s like a cult. I belong to a cult. Only, religion’s not really part of it. Trust me though. I wasn’t in rehab for six months; I was in intense behavior modification. It was supposed to fix me because I felt bad for what happened to Sam. My mom has legally married every man she’s been with. She’s legally inherited their fortune or won it in a divorce settlement. The authorities can’t do anything for me. And I’m not being abused.”
Ryder’s jaw locked in thought. A muscle kept ticking in his cheek and for just a moment I felt relieved to have someone share my same frustration. But then the hopelessness caught up with me again and I spiraled back to the pits of despair.
“Ok, if there’s nothing legal we can do, then we’ll just get you out of here. Your trust fund, right? Why can’t you take that now? Matt has friends around the world from when he went traveling, they would help you. Or at least house you for a while. I could even go with you for a little bit, help you get set up,” he sat forward, excited by his solution and I loathed being the one who had to destroy those hopes. I knew, firsthand, what it would feel like.
I shook my head first, my eyes filling with tears again. “I’ve already thought something like that through. Right now my trust is untouchable until I’m eighteen and have graduated high school. Those conditions are unbreakable. Trust me, I’ve looked into it,” Although I didn’t want to get his hopes up so I refrained from telling him about Smith and his secret team of lawyers. “And besides, even if I could get to it now, I wouldn’t leave. I have a sister, half-sister really, Honor. She’s only eleven and I just can’t leave her yet. I mean, I will one day, I will, but not yet. I want to protect her as long as I can.”
“She lives with your mom?” Ryder asked, looking sick all over again.
“No, she lives with her dad. She’s…. He’s special. I mean, he was one of my mom’s marks, years ago. Not just for his money, but because she wanted another child too. But he was supposed to die. He had stage four brain cancer. He somehow survived and then, when he recovered it was like he was immune to the whole Siren thing. He’s not affected by my mom, by any of us. He has custody of Honor. And he is protecting her for now; he barely lets my mom see her. But everyone in my circle wants my mom to have custody, obviously, so Honor is not safe. Nix will do anything to get her.”
�
��He’s immune? Has that ever happened before?” Ryder asked carefully and I could see a light go on in his eyes.
“Just one other time that I’m aware of,” I answered quietly.
“With me?” He clarified like he knew the truth already.
I nodded, afraid that the spell would be broken. “With the coffee, in the hallway…. I mean, you didn’t feel anything did you?”
Ryder thought about it for a while and then replied, “Just irritation. Lots of irritation.”
I rolled my eyes but let out a soft laugh. “You’re so obnoxious.”
“That’s what was with my dad and uncle?”
I nodded again. “That’s what’s with everybody.”
“But it’s not like they were worshipping at your feet,” he argued. I recognized his desire to stand up for those he loved, to make them appear strong and capable. Nobody wanted to be helpless against a force they couldn’t control.
“The pull gets harder to resist the longer you’re around me. And sometimes, with stronger personalities, it takes longer to be affected. Weak men feel my pull even before I’m near them. But some, very strong men, can subconsciously resist for a while. For everybody but you, and Honor’s father,” I explained. “As long as you’re being honest. As long as you really don’t feel anything between us.”
“That’s why you warned me before? About falling for you?” His voice was soft and understanding.
“Yes,” I agreed simply.
“We’ll figure this out, Ivy,” he promised. “You’re not alone. You have me, you have friends. We will get you out of this.”
“Thank you,” I whispered against the biting wind. And meant it for so many more things than his promise.
The sun had dropped from its morning high point to the other side of the sky and I shivered against the temperature that had also dropped. Ryder pulled me closer and we sat in silence for a while until I pulled myself together. He helped me wipe my face clean of makeup and then stand to my feet.
The Rush (The Siren Series) Page 27
