by Anthology
When Kara brought our drinks through, I forced myself out of my own head again. I’d managed to get this far without anyone getting too concerned about me. Just the duration of a coffee to get through before bed.
“I can’t believe this is actually over,” Kara said as she sat down on the floor beside the coffee table. She glanced around the room which was now void of anything personal. All of that had been packed away over the last few weeks and taken home. All that remained was very basic furniture. Even the TV had already gone to Kara and Lucas’ new flat in Southampton.
“I know.” I let out a sigh as I glanced around too at the now plain walls. “It’s gone so fast. Seems like five minutes ago we moved up here having absolutely no idea what to expect, and now we’re leaving.”
“God, remember the first year?” Kara laughed. “All that freedom to party and drink and not have parents to lecture us about responsibilities.”
I nodded, smiling. “The discovery of the nightlife here was a highlight.”
“How many Saturday or Sunday mornings did we spend hungover?”
“Almost all of them,” Lucas said with a grin. “But it was worth it.”
“It sure was.”
“And now we have to grow up.”
Lucas’ words shot another bolt of panic through me but I masked it by taking a gulp of my coffee. I’d had no plans to work for the rest of the summer; none of us did, aside from Dec who had been working since we’d left college when he’d joined his dad’s business as a mechanic. The plan was to look into finding work in September – any work – while I searched for the perfect job that matched my shiny new degree.
“What’s it like?” Lucas asked, looking at Declan. “Being a grown up.”
Declan chuckled. “You know me, mate. I have a job, but it doesn’t make me a grown up.”
I smiled up at my self-deprecating boyfriend. He was about as good at giving compliments to himself as he was at giving them to others. The truth was he worked damn hard, paid the rent on his own place, and never really complained about the long days and limited social life the job allowed him.
“You’re a grown up,” I told him. “You’ve been taking care of me for the last… almost year.”
Declan’s mouth dropped in a look of mock horror. “Has it been that long? It’s probably time to trade you in for a new model.”
I poked him in the ribs and he winked to let me know he was joking, and I knew he was… for the time being. But it didn’t stop my stomach churning.
“Besides,” he went on, “I haven’t really been taking care of you. You do most of that yourself.”
“But you did take me out most weekends and make sure this poor student didn’t starve.”
He leaned down to kiss me softly on the lips. “Can’t have you wasting away, can I? You’ll make it up to me when you’re a rich psychotherapist, charging people £150 an hour to tell you their problems.”
I rolled my eyes. “It doesn’t quite work that way. It’ll be a while before I earn that much.”
A really long while.
As I looked up at him, the man I’d shared search a turbulent history with, the man I now loved more than I’d ever loved anyone, I was struck by the urge to be alone with him. Just me and him for one more night before I told him the truth and lost him. To pretend everything was okay and that nothing was going to change. That our lives wouldn’t be different once he knew.
That we were just us one more time.
“Come on.” Declan smiled and took my barely touched coffee from my hands and placed both of our cups on the coffee table. “Let’s go to bed.”
I nodded, and stood, saying goodnight to Kara and Lucas before Declan and I headed up to my room and collapsed on my bed. Declan wrapped his arms around me and I snuggled into him, my hand resting lightly on his chest.
“Are you sad to be leaving?” he asked, kissing the top of my head.
Oh. That’s what he thinks is wrong.
“Only a little,” I told him. “There are things I’ll miss about being here, but I’m looking forward to going home.”
“I won’t be offended if you say you’ll miss York. You’ve been here for three years. It’s your second home.”
I smiled and tilted my head up to look at him. “I want to be with you more than I want to be here. Of course I’ll miss it, but home is… home is where you are.”
“Alright,” he said, turning onto his side to look at me, his eyes dancing with amusement. “None of this soppy crap. We need to change the subject.”
Laughing, I pressed my lips against his. “You’re such an emotionless dick.”
“I know. But you love me.”
“Yes, I do.”
He smiled as he kissed me again. “I love you too.”
Declan’s kiss, warm and familiar, made me press in to him, holding him tightly as I tried to focus on this moment and block everything else out. His hands slid up my back then unzipped my dress, his fingers lightly brushing over my skin. I shifted a little so he could push the straps down over my shoulders, leaving my top half exposed, and I started to unbutton his shirt. I closed my eyes as he rolled on top of me, his lips trailing kisses down my neck, and as I did so, my breath caught in my throat as an image of our baby flashed in my head. Not a fully formed baby, but like one of those scan photos you get from the hospital. A harsh reminder of the truth I so badly wanted to deny for a bit longer.
“Eden?”
My body had become rigid, my eyes now wide open as I stared up at him, unable to see him through a film of moisture. I blinked a few times at the sound of his voice and he slid off me and turned me onto my side to look at him.
“Eden, what’s wrong?”
I sat up, quickly pulling the sleeves of my dress back over me as if what we’d been doing hadn’t even happened. My body still wanted him but my brain wouldn’t let it happen and I cursed inwardly because the one more night I’d wanted was gone.
I had to tell him. Now.
Declan shuffled up the bed as I wiped my eyes, and the panic on his face made me hate myself. Hate the situation. Hate that this was it.
I couldn’t look at him. I twisted around and hung my legs over the edge of the bed then looked up at the window, the street light outside casting a warm glow over me. If I stared at it for long enough, maybe it would beam me away from here, somewhere I could hide.
“Eden.” Declan moved across the bed so he was right behind me, his hands on my shoulders. “What just happened?”
I tilted my head to the side, resting my cheek against his hand and closing my eyes again.
“I’m pregnant,” I whispered.
Declan’s hands fell away as if my skin had suddenly caught fire and burned him. “What did you say?”
“I’m pregnant.”
Without turning, I heard him scramble across the bed and get to his feet. I didn’t need to look to see the total horror on his face and the panic in his eyes. It had been emblazoned in my head the second I’d imagined telling him. I didn’t need to see it for real.
“What…? I mean, how, I… I don’t understand, Eden. How… are you sure?”
I nodded. “I took a test.” All emotion had gone from my tone. I felt it all inside me; fear, hurt, desperation. But outwardly, I couldn’t transmit it because it didn’t matter what I conveyed to him. His reaction would be the same.
“Well… when? How… how long have you known?”
“I took the test before we went out tonight.”
“And how long have you suspected?”
“A while. Three, four weeks.”
“And you didn’t think to mention it?”
His voice rose and I spun around. “Keep it down!” I hissed. “Please. I don’t want Lucas and Kara finding out yet.”
“Oh, so you didn’t tell her first? I guess that’s something to be happy about!” he snapped.
And there it was. The words that told me I was on my own. Not only did he not trust me to tell him before anyon
e else – and for all the time we’d known each other, he should have – but he wasn’t even going to take a second to process the information before telling me he hated it.
A sob clawed at my throat as my heart cracked a little inside my chest. I knew it wasn’t done. By the time this conversation was over, it would be shattered into a million pieces, and he’d leave. And then I’d cry.
Through trembling lips, I said, “I’m not exactly jumping for joy over here, Dec.”
His eyes blazed. “How did this happen? You’re on the pill, and for the most part, we use condoms too just to be extra fucking safe! How in the hell can this be possible?”
“I don’t know. I can’t recall a time I missed a pill, so all I can think is that we were just really, really unlucky. Nothing is 100% effective.”
“Obviously! Fucking hell, Eden.”
He turned away and started to pace my small room, his strides somewhat disrupted by the boxes littering the floor.
“How can you be talking to me like this is my fault?” I asked. “We were both there, Declan. Both of us. You and me. I didn’t get pregnant on my own.”
“You must have forgotten to take that pill. That’s the only way to explain this.”
“I never forget and you know it.”
“How? I don’t know that. I trusted you.”
My initial hurt flicked into anger and I stood up and rounded on him. “Less than two minutes ago you told me you loved me, and now you’re looking at me like I’m the most disgusting person in the world! Well, fuck you, Dec! This happened, and whether you like it or not, you have as much responsibility for this as me!”
I stared at him, his shirt still unbuttoned, exposing his chest and stomach that I’d explored a thousand times. But in that moment, everything about him was unfamiliar. Predicting his reaction somehow didn’t stop the shock. Somewhere deep inside me, I guess I’d hoped he’d hold onto me and tell me everything was going to be okay, that he’d promise to stay with me, but that deep buried hope shrivelled away into nothing as his eyes held nothing but anger.
Something in my words seemed to affect him as a little of the rage in his gaze cooled and he took a small step towards me and reached out his hand. After a short hesitation, I took it and we sat down on the edge of the bed.
“I know this isn’t just down to you.” He twisted his fingers through mine and as he stared down at our joined hands, a small flame of hope lit inside me. “I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know… I don’t know anything right now.”
“You think I do? Dec, I haven’t been able to think straight all evening, and I knew I wouldn’t until I told you. I didn’t want to start making any decisions in my head because these decisions aren’t just mine.”
He shook his head. “That’s bullshit, Eden. If I don’t want this baby and you do… that’s not me having a choice. I can tell you how I feel, but the decision can only ever be yours.”
I took a few deep breaths, weighing up his words. I suppose that was the truth of it. If my heart screamed at me to keep my baby, no matter what Dec thought, that’s what I’d do.
My baby. That moment was the first time I’d actually thought those words. Mine. Not just a baby or the baby. My baby. But he or she wasn’t only mine. His opinion mattered too, even if I didn’t like it.
“Is that how you feel?” I asked. “That you would prefer to make this go away?”
He shook his head, still not looking at me. “I don’t know. I can’t make that decision in a split second.”
Funny. Because the second the slightest thought about not - at the very least - going through with the pregnancy crossed my mind, I knew. That wasn’t an option. Not for me.
“I need to think,” he said. “Can you just give me some time to think?”
I nodded. “Of course. But, Dec?” Declan finally raised his head to look at me. “Please don’t shut me out. You’re not the only one with decisions to make here.”
I understood better than anyone his need to internalize things; I’d been stung by him blocking out my existence over and over and this was the biggest thing that had ever happened to either of us. The pain of him bouncing back and forth in and out of my life had been agonizing before we finally got together. To have him shut down over something that would affect the rest of our lives? I wasn’t sure there was a way to recover from that.
“I’ll try,” he said. “I’ll try.”
We sat awkwardly, still holding hands but I felt disconnected somehow, in spite of what he’d just said. I let go of his hand, and in silence, I peeled off my dress and threw on the oversized t-shirt I slept in. Dec hadn’t moved.
“Are you coming to bed?” I asked softly.
Dec shook his head. “Not yet. I’m going to go downstairs and get a drink. I’ll be back in a bit.”
I nodded then climbed into bed, somehow knowing he wouldn’t be back.
Chapter 3
When I woke up alone the next morning, in spite of the warmth pouring through my window, I shivered. It was early, just after seven, but I knew Kara and Lucas would be up, packing up their last few things before their parents came over to collect them and take them home. I knew I had to do the same, not that there was much left now. Just the few boxes on the bedroom floor and one suitcase full of clothes. My room was as empty as I felt inside. Of course I couldn’t absolutely predict that Dec was done with me, but his past form suggested there was a good chance our relationship was over. I also knew, if that was his decision, it wouldn’t be because of me. This was him and that stupid insecurity crap he carried around with him. No matter what he did he never felt good enough. Knowing that didn’t help me though. I’d still be a single mother, or I’d be the mother who put her child up for adoption because she couldn’t face being a single mother.
When tears prickled my eyes again, I dragged myself out of bed and forced all of that aside again, just as I’d tried to do the night before. I had final packing and then a long car journey with Declan and my mum to get through. I really didn’t need her finding out before we were safely at home and Declan had left. She’d throttle him. She’d throttle both of us.
I pulled my bathrobe on and slowly made my way down the stairs to the kitchen. I only heard two voices; Kara and Lucas’. They were both sitting at the breakfast table eating cereal, and the welcome scent of coffee hit my nostrils but I couldn’t help but notice the sombre atmosphere. Last day blues. I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat at the table with my friends
“Morning,” Kara said, a slight hint of sadness in her eyes.
“Morning.” I glanced at her bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, debating whether or not I could face food. Maybe later. “You okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah. Just… it’s going to be so weird knowing that we have to start looking for work in the real world soon. No more lectures. No more essays. Fewer nights out.”
“To be fair,” Lucas said, “nights out have been dwindling for a while.”
Dwindling? Aside from the post-exams blowout we’d had, our social lives had died a dramatic death in the run up to our finals. For me, nights on the town were going to be dead for a hell of a lot longer.
“We should do something when we get home,” Kara said. “Maybe next weekend. We’ll go see a band or we’ll go to a club. Let’s just let our hair down and get drunk.”
Her eyes lit up as she looked at me, and usually I’d have been lighting up with her, but… there was way too much on my mind. I just nodded. “Maybe.”
“Do you think we should have invited Meg and Olly to join us last night?”
Meg and Olly were mutual friends of ours; the closest friends we’d made in York. Well… kind of. Meg and I used to be closer, but for whatever reason, she’d never quite gotten over the fact that Dec – who she’d made a play for – had rejected her. I had never understood why it pissed her off so much. She’d only known him for one evening before deciding she wanted him. Actually, that was several hours longer than it usually took her to decide who
she wanted, but she never wanted him for anything serious. Like every other guy she met, she wanted a one-time thing with him, but when he’d said no and started dating me, she acted like I’d made some kind of personal attack on her. At that point, I knew she wasn’t much of a friend, but Olly and I had remained close, and of all the other people I’d met there, he was the person I’d miss the most, and the person I knew I would see again.
Lucas shook his head. “They were doing things with their own families. But at least we got to see them yesterday.”
While Kara and Lucas made small talk, I stood up and popped a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster then leaned against the kitchen counter while I waited. It was odd to think that the kitchen table we’d eaten at for the last two years, and the few leftover appliances, would soon be used by a new set of students. Regardless of how things had ended, I’d been happy in that house, and moving back to my mum’s and losing my independence would be strange.
That was if she didn’t kick me out on my arse when she found out I was pregnant.
My attention came back to my surroundings when I heard Lucas say, “If Dec doesn’t get his arse out of bed soon he’s gonna be out of luck with the coffee. We’ll have to pack away the coffee machine soon and he’ll be stuck with the leftover instant crap.”
“He’s not in bed,” I said quietly. “I assumed you’d have seen him asleep on the sofa.”
Kara and Lucas exchanged a puzzled glance.
“He’s not in the living room,” Kara said. “There’s no sign that he slept downstairs. Why would you think that? Did you two have an argument?”
You could say that.
I shook my head and turned to the toaster which had just spat out my toast. I had to eat it dry since we only had the very basics, and the basics didn’t stretch as far as butter.
“Eden?”
I sighed as I grabbed a plate from the side and put my breakfast on it. “I don’t really want to talk about it just yet. But yeah, we had a disagreement.”
“If he left, it’s more than a disagreement,” Lucas said, stirring some sugar into his coffee without taking his eyes off me. “What happened?”
