Just like I wanted, my roommate became my good friend. Ryan and I hung out all the time. He was easy to get along with and I found myself quickly learning a lot about him.
For instance, he was very neat and organized and tended to get angry with me when I left my crap lying around. It was almost on the border of perfectionism. He was always straightening the stack of textbooks on his desk and lining up his pencils neatly.
And he talked a lot. But not in an annoying way. He was always talking about something interesting instead of just the mindless crap that girls talk about. I guess that when I met him, I compared him to a girl most of the time. But after I got to know him, he seemed far from it. He was quite independent and he didn’t obsess over things like male celebrities or fashion. I felt bad for misjudging him in the first place.
Having a gay roommate wasn’t bad at all. I thought it would get awkward at times, but actually his sexuality didn’t get in the way of anything. I admit, we didn’t really talk about it very often. But still, he seemed like just any normal guy. Maybe a bit feminine, but who cares?
In fact, I found myself curious about him. He was so interesting to me. Just looking at him and thinking he’s kissed a boy before was somewhat intriguing for some reason. It was just so different. Part of me wanted to know more.
I found my opportunity one Friday night when we were hanging out in our dorm room, just celebrating the weekend. We’d snuck in a bottle of booze, but we didn’t intend to get completely wasted. Maybe just a bit tipsy. The two of us didn’t need to go out to frat boy parties or anything. We were able to have fun on our own.
We sat on the floor of our room. We played cards for a little while, and then just talked. After a drink or two we were relaxed, but not too out of it.
“Let’s play Truth-or-Dare.” He suggested.
I laughed. “That game is for little twelve-year-old girls at slumber parties.”
“So? It’s fun!”
“I don’t wanna do any dares.” I said.
“Fine, then. Just truths.” He said.
“Ryan, I haven’t played Truth-or-Dare since I was like seven.” I told him.
“I don’t care. I’ll ask you a question first.” He said, laughing for no reason.
“Okay.”
He thought for a moment and took a sip of his drink before asking, “How many girls have you slept with?”
“You mean at one time, or total?” I said jokingly with a smirk.
“Shut up, you’ve never had a threesome.” He said, completely unconvinced.
“Fine, you’re right.” I admitted.
I had to think about it. My first time had been with Lindsey McFearson. Then there was Selena, Alex, and that psycho Asian girl from Hunter Lincoln’s graduation party.
“Four.” I finally said, not sure if that was correct.
“Damn.” He commented.
I chuckled at his reaction. “Why? What about you?”
“I haven’t slept with any girls thank you very much.” He said in that sarcastic smart-ass tone. But he was still just being friendly.
“Okay, so how many guys?” I asked.
Unlike me, he didn’t need to think about it first. He knew his answer immediately, however he hesitated to tell me.
“Just one.” He said, as if he were embarrassed. As if I were wiser and more experienced, having been with more people. But I didn’t believe that was true.
“One is enough.” I assured him, “I wouldn’t even laugh at you if you were a virgin.” And it was true. I wouldn’t.
For a moment, I pictured Ryan in bed with some random guy. It was an odd image, but one that intrigued me for some reason. I wondered who the guy was. I wondered if he enjoyed it or not. I wondered if they had been in a relationship, or if it was just a quick one night stand.
I didn’t think Ryan would object if I asked for more details, so I did.
“So who was it?” I asked teasingly.
Suddenly, he didn’t seem so cheerful. “Just a guy.” He said, his voice small. He didn’t look at me. He played with a loose thread on his sleeve.
I realized that it was more serious than I’d previously thought. Maybe he’d had his heart broken or something. Wanting to get to know him better, I ventured further into the topic.
“What guy?” I asked, more seriously this time.
He glanced up at me, as if trying to read what my intentions might be. I just wanted to get to know the guy. And admittedly, I was really curious.
“Don’t worry.” I told him, “We can talk about stuff like this.”
He smiled a bit, like he was glad to have someone to talk to. He looked down again and went right back to playing with that thread.
“His name was Adam.” He said, his voice louder and more confident.
“A boyfriend?” I asked.
“Ex-boyfriend.” He clarified.
“So, why’d you break up?” I realized that my questions were very personal, but the two of us knew each other pretty well by now. I figured we were bound to talk about all this stuff eventually. Why not now?
“He...didn’t like me as much as I liked him.” Ryan said, blushing.
Had Ryan actually loved this Adam guy? I realized with a jolt of sympathy that Ryan really had gotten his heart broken. The closest thing to love I’d ever felt was when I lost my virginity to Lindsey McFearson. She was my first real girlfriend. And actually, my only real girlfriend. The rest of the girls I’d been with hadn’t had any intention of wanting to be exclusive. So technically, I’d never been in love. Ever. Neither had any of my friends. I had no idea what it was like. The idea that Ryan had actually fallen in love with someone was somewhat intriguing to me. But I also felt bad for him.
“How long were you together?” I asked.
“Only like six months.” He said, shrugging, “But... well... yeah. I really liked him.”
“And he broke up with you? What an asshole.” I commented.
Ryan giggled and smiled gratefully at my understanding. “Well he wasn’t an asshole at first.” He explained, “He treated me really well, always taking me out to nice dinners and buying me things and giving me compliments and stuff. But then once he got what he wanted, he stopped doing all that.”
“So basically he was just in it for the sex?” I asked, understanding now.
“Yup.” Ryan said, glaring angrily at the wall as if Adam were there.
“I’m sorry man, that sucks.” I said sincerely.
“Yeah...” It was almost a whisper.
I’d never seen someone so upset over a romantic relationship. None of my guy friends had ever been serious with the girls they dated. None of them were really... sensitive about girls or about things like love. To see Ryan so vulnerable and so angry and so upset about something like that was somewhat compelling. I almost wanted to read his mind and find out the whole story. I was extremely curious. And for some reason, I found myself curious about the fact that it involved another guy. The “gayness” of the whole thing was kind of interesting to me.
Ryan sat up a little straighter and wiped the miserable look from his face. He smiled at me and changed the subject completely.
“So, have you ever done anything with a guy before?” He grinned at me impishly.
I laughed at the absurdity of that idea. “What? No!”
“Why not? It’s fun!” He waggled his eyebrows.
“Yeah, for you! Cause you’re actually gay! I’m not!” I reminded him.
“Oh, shut up. Every single guy in the world thinks about gay sex at least once in their lives.” He said with his typical know-it-all attitude.
I thought about that statement for a moment. Was Ryan seriously implying that every single guy considers being gay or bisexual at least once? It was a bit hard to believe, but it made me feel a bit better. Because I’d thought about gay sex a few more times than just once...
“Well I haven’t.” I lied. I don’t know why I did. If there was anyone I could talk to about it, it wa
s Ryan.
“Yes you have.” He said, knowing he was right.
It wasn’t like I’d ever seriously considered being gay. I was actually 99% sure that I was straight. It’s just that ever since I found out that my roommate was gay, the subject had always interested me. I’d imagined what it was like for him to have sex with another guy. But I’d never imagined myself having sex with another guy. Now that I thought about it, I was admittedly quite curious about it.
“Okay, you’re right.” I admitted.
He bit his lip excitedly, as if he were formulating a plan to try and make me gay.
“You should try it!” He suggested, “Go find a hot guy and get in bed with him. You might be surprised at how fun it is.”
“I can’t just go out and have sex with a guy.” I said.
“Why not?” Ryan asked.
“Because... if anyone found out, my reputation would be down the drain.”
“That’s true.” He admitted. It always surprised me how well he understood that not everyone accepts gays.
It seemed as though he had given up his plan to find me a “hot guy” to “get in bed” with. But now that he had brought up the subject, I was entirely curious about it. The more I thought about it, the more it enthralled me. I was dying to know what it was like. Having sex with girls had been fun, sure. But maybe I was missing out.
I just wanted to try it once. What harm could that do? It didn’t have to count for anything. I didn’t have to tell anyone. It could be a secret I would take to the grave. Just once, to see what it’s like. Never again.
“I could have sex with you.” I suggested, trying to appear casual.
He nearly choked on his drink. “What?” He asked, banging on his chest.
“You said I should try it with a guy! The only problem is that any random guy might go out and tell everyone. But you wouldn’t tell anyone.”
“Yeah... but I’m Ryan. I’m your roommate. That’s weird.”
“It’s not weird. It would just be one time.”
I tried to picture Ryan’s naked body underneath mine. It was hard to imagine, but the more I tried to picture it, the more I wanted it.
“James... you’re insane.” He said.
“We wouldn’t have to tell anyone.”
“But...why?” He asked.
“Because... it’ll be a fun little experiment. Just to see what it’s like. It doesn’t have to be serious or anything.”
“But why me?”
“I already told you!” I said, “Because I know you wouldn’t tell anyone.”
I stopped to realize that I truly trusted Ryan. Although we had only been friends for a few weeks, we’d become pretty close. I mean, we were living together for god’s sake.
“James, there’s no way we’re having sex.” He laughed.
“But I really wanna try it!” I whined.
We argued playfully back and forth about it, mostly consisting of me asking “please?” and him saying “no.”
Finally he said, “You’d only be the second person I’ve ever slept with, second to Adam. And we all know how that turned out.”
“Yeah, but Ryan...” I argued, “It won’t count. You don’t have to include me in the list of guys you’ve had sex with. It’ll just be our little secret. We don’t ever have to talk about it again, if you don’t want to.”
“So what if we have sex and you decide that you like it more than with girls? What if you decide you’re gay? Then what?” He asked.
“Then, you can give yourself a pat on the back for successfully flipping me.”
He laughed. He bit his lip and looked me up and down with narrowed eyes, considering it. I bit my lip as well, hopeful. I don’t know why I wanted it so badly. It just seemed like such an interesting experience.
After several minutes of thinking about it and a few more clever arguments from my side, Ryan finally gave in.
“Fine.” He said, “But we never tell anyone.”
“Of course not!” I said excitedly, “That would be terrible for me.”
He stared at me again for another long moment. I stared back, realizing that I would be having sex with him in a few short moments. It was terrifying and exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time.
“Okay.” He sighed. He set down his drink. “Thank God I’m drunk.”
I then realized how drunk I actually was. Admittedly, it wasn’t enough to black out or anything. But I was a little more than tipsy. I guess that could only help at a time like this. It relaxed me a bit. I tried to imagine how nervous I would be if I was sober. It was a terrifying thought.
Now what? Were we gonna do it right here on our dorm room floor? Or in one of the beds? Those beds were pretty small, just a twin size. Would we fit on them?
Ryan seemed to know what to do. Unlike me, he was more confident having sex with another man. He crawled over to me on the floor and sat facing me. He unbuttoned my shirt slowly, one button at a time. My heart started pounding at his touch.
He slowly pulled my shirt off of my shoulders. I stripped it completely off and was unsure of what to do next. I sat awkwardly and we stared at each other again. His expression was no longer joking, but serious.
For a moment I tried to pretend that he was a girl, so that I could feel a bit more confident. But then I realized that I didn’t want to pretend he was a girl. The whole point of this little “experiment” was so I could try having sex with a guy.
I realized then how good looking Ryan was. I mean, I wasn’t necessarily attracted to him. But he did have certain features that I’m sure most girls and gay guys would find attractive. His skin was elegantly white and his hair was luscious and his blue eyes sparkled.
What am I thinking? Ryan’s a dude. I shouldn’t be thinking this way about him.
But then I realized I was about to actually sleep with him.
What the fuck am I doing?
I had a moment of second thought. I was about to speak up and say that I changed my mind, but then he stripped off his own shirt and I realized I couldn’t back out now. His body was lean, verging on the skinny side. But he still had some muscles.
He reached over to my waist to unbutton my jeans. I froze, every muscle in my body tensing up. He sensed it.
“Are you sure you wanna do this?” He asked softly, almost whispering.
Here was my chance. I could back out now if I wanted. But while staring at his big blue eyes, I couldn’t find the courage to say no. I really wanted to go through with this, or I’d spend my entire life wondering what it could’ve been like.
I nodded.
He unbuttoned my jeans and slipped his hand down my pants. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening, but I was glad that Ryan had taken the initiative. I could feel his hand through my boxers. He was actually touching my dick. Not just touching it but rubbing it. And it felt good.
I expected that I wouldn’t be able to get hard very quickly, since this was all so new and different and scary. But after just a few moments of Ryan’s gentle stroking, I was so hard that it hurt. I don’t know what it was about him. Maybe it was the way he moved his hand, maybe it was the warmth in his touch. I couldn’t tell. But I can tell you that with any of the girls I’d been with in the past, it would’ve taken twice as long.
Ryan stood up and grabbed my hand to help me up as well. He gently pushed me to my bed and laid on top of me. He kissed my chest and sucked on my left nipple. It was an interesting sensation. No girl had ever done that to me before. It felt nice. And nice turned to incredibly sexy when Ryan used his teeth to bite it.
I was even harder now.
He kissed down my stomach and when he got to my waistband, he used his hands to gently slide off my pants. I was terrified of going further, but I practically needed to. I needed satisfaction...now. Somehow I knew that sex with Ryan would be infinitely more satisfying than jacking myself off.
Ryan unbuttoned his own jeans and took them off. Through his boxer-briefs I could see that he was
already hard. How in the hell had that happened? I hadn’t been touching him or helping him out in any way. Had he just been thinking about something sexy? Or maybe it had just been a while for him and he was sexually frustrated. Either way, it amazed me that he was already hard.
He leaned down and let his chest fall onto mine. He kissed my neck, making me shiver. And while he did so, he rubbed his pelvis against mine. It drove me insane with need.
What is with this kid making me so horny?
After a minute or two, he slipped his hand down my boxers. The actual skin-on-skin contact made me tense up again, but I liked it. In fact, if this didn’t stop soon, I would be coming in no time.
I didn’t understand how it was possible for a guy to get me going like this. I’d never felt any kind of attraction to boys in the past. Or at least, not that I was aware of. Maybe on some subconscious level, I had always been interested in guys. There was no other way to explain how Ryan could get me so worked up like this. But I lied to myself anyway, trying to explain it with the fact that I hadn’t had sex in a very long time. I was just really horny, that was all.
I involuntarily started moaning. I couldn’t help it, with Ryan touching me the way he was. Just wanting human contact, I started touching him back. I moved my hands all over his back and waist. Almost unconsciously, I started rubbing his ass. I don’t know what came over me. It just felt right. Besides, I was completely encased in ecstasy. I had no way of controlling my actions.
At one point, his stroking got to be too much. I ran my hand up his neck and into his hair. I grabbed a handful of it and lifted his head so he’d look at me.
“Ryan...” I groaned, almost growling.
He smirked at me, as if making fun of me for being so into it. But he did what I silently asked. He took off my boxers and left me completely naked and vulnerable. He stood from the bed and left me alone for a moment while he rummaged around in his desk drawer. What the hell is he looking for at a time like this?
Before he jumped back on top of me, he stripped off his underwear. Holy shit. I’d never seen another dude’s dick before. It was slightly embarrassing, but I couldn’t look away. It was hard as a rock.
The Love We Breathe Page 2
