But what scared me more was the fact that I’d just had sex with Loryn. And I didn’t do it because I had feelings for her. I did it because I was angry and I needed a release. But now I knew that there was no reason to be angry. And my reason for having sex with Loryn was gone.
I just had sex with Loryn for no reason. And it sucked.
Chapter Eleven
.
It was early December, and the semester was almost over. Finals were right around the corner, so Ava, Lola and I decided to have a study session in the library one Sunday evening. However, we didn’t really study that much. Mostly the girls gossiped and I joined in when I had something to say. It was fun and they definitely knew how to make me laugh.
“So James... how’re things with you and Loryn?” Lola asked with a mischievous grin on her face, like she knew something. We were sitting at a table in the library, and there were flashcards, papers, and books strewn everywhere.
According to Loryn things were fine between us. But I had other opinions. We’d only had sex that one time. But ever since then she’d been totally clingy. I knew why. It was probably because I was acting very standoffish, and the more I drew away the tighter she clung onto me. But I couldn’t stand to be near her for too long. She made me feel uncomfortable. After realizing that having sex with her wasn’t good, I felt awkward around her. And truthfully I was considering breaking up with her.
I decided to be honest with Lola and Ava about it. Well... except for the part about Ryan being better in bed. I’d leave that out. But I knew these girls well enough to know that they could keep a secret.
“Well... I don’t know.” I said in response to Lola’s question.
“What do you mean?” She asked, leaning in and getting excited about the potential gossip.
“You guys can’t tell anyone...” I said.
“Cross my heart!” Lola said quickly.
“I won’t, I promise.” Ava giggled.
I took a deep breath, “Well... I don’t think I like her very much.”
“What?” Lola gasped, “Why? She seems like such a nice girl!”
“Yeah...well...” I sighed, “I guess she’s not really my type.”
“That’s too bad.” Ava said.
“I think I might break up with her.” I revealed.
Lola was positively appalled at this news. I guess she thought Loryn and I made a cute couple. But I didn’t agree with her.
“Why?” Lola asked in a whiny voice. It made me laugh.
“I don’t know. She and I just don’t fit with each other.” I answered.
For the rest of our “study session” Lola kept pestering me for more details about why I didn’t like Loryn very much. Ava constantly tried to help justify everything I was saying, but Lola wouldn’t shut up. But I wasn’t annoyed with Lola. She just made me laugh. And she had every right to be curious.
After a few hours, the three of us left the library and parted ways. I headed back to my dorm room feeling a bit better about the whole situation with Loryn. It felt good to have Ava agree with me. At least I knew I wasn’t crazy. Loryn and I just weren’t right for each other. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. What was a bad thing was the fact that she couldn’t see that for herself.
However, all my thoughts about Loryn were erased as soon as I opened the door to room 125.
Ryan was laying on his bed, but he wasn’t alone. There was another guy with him. Their lips were smashed together in a sloppy and revolting fashion. I clearly saw that unknown asshole shoving his tongue down Ryan’s throat.
They looked up when they heard me come in. The stranger’s face was flushed with color from their heated make out scene. But Ryan’s face was quite the opposite. He was abnormally pale, like he’d recently been traumatized. What the fuck was wrong with him?
At first I didn’t know what to think. Ryan was making out with another guy. Big deal. But for some reason I felt a pang of anger. He was my best friend and he neglected to tell me that he had a new boyfriend?
“Who’s this?” I asked, with a disgusted look on my face.
The random guy snorted at me and rolled his eyes. He was a lot bigger than Ryan, with large muscles on his upper arms. He had stubble on his chin and I couldn’t help but wonder if it bothered Ryan when they kissed.
“This is Brandon...” Ryan said, almost mockingly.
“Well why are you and Brandon making out in our room?” I asked, echoing his tone, “Can’t you do that somewhere else?”
Brandon spoke up. “Look. If you and your homophobic ass can’t deal with this...” He smashed his lips onto Ryan’s to make his point. “...then you can leave.”
Excuse me? Homophobic? My best friend is gay and this guy thinks I’m homophobic? And did he just tell me to leave my own room? When I’ve barely even met him? Who is this asshole?
I looked to Ryan for some support, but instead of defending me he asked, “Yeah, James, can you leave?”
An odd mixture of anger, shock, and disgust bubbled it’s way up my throat. “What the fuck, Ry?” I asked, appalled.
Ryan stood up and walked over to me. For a moment I thought perhaps he was going to explain himself and apologize. But once again, I was wrong.
“Can you leave us alone for a little while?” He asked me quietly, biting his lip.
“No!” I shouted back, in extreme contrast to his volume. I turned to Brandon, who was still lounging on the bed waiting expectantly for Ryan to pounce back on top of him. “Why don’t you leave, Brandon?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” He glared at me.
“No, I’m not kidding you!”
Before Brandon and I could begin a shouting match with each other, Ryan yelled at us to stop. He turned towards Brandon and took his hand.
“Can you just come back some other time?” He said softly, as if hoping I wouldn’t hear. As if this were a special moment between them. “I’ll call you.”
Brandon snorted once again. Hesitantly, he stood from the bed and started towards the door, glaring at me on the way. Before leaving, he grabbed Ryan by the waist and smothered him with another kiss. He made sure I was watching before he did it. Ryan accepted the kiss willingly and even placed his hand on Brandon’s scruffy face. I could tell Ryan meant for it to be a quick kiss goodbye, but Brandon had other intentions. He ended up using tongue and running his hands greedily all over Ryan’s body.
After what seemed like an eternity watching them kiss, Ryan grabbed hold of Brandon’s muscular arms and pushed him away. He smiled and said, “I’ll call you, I promise.”
Brandon opened the door to leave, but made sure to squeeze Ryan’s ass before he did so.
Ew.
As soon as the door was closed, I immediately started on Ryan. “You should tell your boyfriend to show me some respect next time he sees me.”
“Well you weren’t exactly polite, James.” Ryan retorted.
“Well I’m sorry!” I shouted sarcastically, “I just didn’t expect to walk in and see my roommate sucking face with some random dude that I’ve never met before!”
“Why does that upset you?” He asked defensively.
“Because it’s fucking disgusting!” I retorted.
“What, now you think gays are disgusting? Because I’m pretty sure you were more than willing to have sex with me every night for three weeks.”
“Oh come on, Ryan.” I rolled my eyes, “You know that was just a phase. I have a girlfriend now!”
“You use that as an excuse for everything.” He rolled his eyes right back, “So what if you have a girlfriend! That doesn’t mean anything! You seem to think that fact alone justifies everything you’ve done. You seem to think it proves that you’re straight. Well it doesn’t! The fact that you liked fucking me proves that you’re not straight, however.”
The anger inside me was like a pot of boiling water, and now it was so hot that scalding water was spewing out my ears. He did not just say that. He did not just say that. He did not just
say that.
“Oh, fuck you, Ryan.” I shouted, “You don’t know anything about me.”
“I know enough!” He retaliated, “I know that you loved having sex with me. I could tell. I could tell every single time. You were always the one to initiate it, until it became a habit. You begged me for more. And no, it’s not just that you like anal. You loved it when I kissed you. You used to lay there and just stare at me! How the fuck can you justify that, James? You loved it. So why are you trying to cover it up? Why are you using this poor girl to prove me wrong? Why are you lying to everyone? Why are you lying to yourself?”
“I AM NOT A FUCKING FAGGOT LIKE YOU!” I shouted.
It took a moment for him to let my statement sink in. At first he just glared angrily at me. Each of his breaths were venomous. But after a moment I saw his eyes welling up. Those blue irises twinkled. He was crying. But he wouldn’t let me see. He looked down and blinked a few times to make his tears go away.
I wouldn’t accept the guilt in my heart. I didn’t back down from my anger. To end things I said, “Just do me a favor and don’t fuck your boyfriend in this room.”
I didn’t expect him to say anything in response, but he immediately said, “Brandon is not my boyfriend.”
This statement surprised me. I clearly remembered something Ryan had said to me a long time ago. Way back when I asked him if we could continue experimenting, he’d said that he was a relationship kind of guy. He didn’t do hook-ups or one-night-stands. So if Brandon wasn’t his boyfriend, what was he doing with the guy?
“I thought you were a relationship kind of guy.” I reminded him.
For a moment I thought he had nothing to say in response to that. But after a few silent seconds of staring at me he said, with his voice full of malice, “Well maybe I’ve changed.”
Chapter Twelve
.
Lying in bed one night, listening to Ryan’s deep breathing from across the room, I started thinking.
Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I was completely restless. I tossed and turned and tried to find the most comfortable sleeping position, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t my body that was restless, it was my mind.
As soon as I asked myself one question, then more questions started flowing. For instance, why was I so angry when I saw Ryan kissing Brandon? I couldn’t kid myself anymore. It wasn’t because I was disgusted with homosexual kissing. Then what would the reason be? In the back of my mind I knew the answer, but I couldn’t admit it.
And furthermore, why was I now completely disgusted with kissing Loryn? In fact, I was pretty uncomfortable just being in her presence, let alone kissing her or having sex with her. Why was that? Was it just because I didn’t like her as much as I thought I did? Or was it because of something more? I knew the answer but I couldn’t admit it.
What I could admit was this: the reason why I thought I liked Loryn at first was because I wanted to like her. I wanted to like kissing her. I wanted to like having sex with her. So I pretended that I did. I tricked myself into thinking I liked it. But that didn’t last very long, of course. The thing about pretending is that you can’t pretend for very long before the truth comes out.
I couldn’t continue this charade anymore. If I truly didn’t like Loryn, I needed to stop leading her on. So I decided to break up with her. I figured that although it would hurt her, it would hurt her even more if I kept leading her on.
It took a while, but after making my decision I was finally able to fall asleep.
In the morning, I decided to immediately go through with my plan. I called Loryn up and asked her to meet me at the tree. The tree where we’d met for the second time. Where I asked for her phone number.
I took a shower and got dressed as quickly as possible. I had a sick feeling in my stomach and my heart was pounding with anticipation. I always hated break-ups. Although I wasn’t always the one to break up with someone, it still made me feel so guilty every time I was.
When I exited the bathroom from my shower, I noticed Ryan sitting up in bed on his laptop. It had been two days since our fight, and we still hadn’t really spoken. I gathered my keys and my cell phone, ready to leave and meet Loryn at the tree. But before I headed for the door, my eyes locked with Ryan’s.
We stared at each other for a good thirty seconds. Something was different about him. But it wasn’t his outward appearance. It was something in his eyes. He looked like he’d been crying. And he had that look on his face. That unreadable mysterious look he’d get right after having sex with me. I didn’t understand what it meant. It was like he was trying to tell me something.
“What?” I asked irritably after a moment.
He bit his lip and his gaze didn’t leave mine. “Nothing.” He said. His voice was quiet.
Without saying anything more, I left the room. I exited the dorm building and headed straight for the field with the tree.
On the way, I tried to calculate what I might say to Loryn. It had been a while since I’d actually broken up with someone. (Did Selena count if we weren’t really in a relationship in the first place...?) I had no idea what to say.
I’m sorry this just isn’t working out. But then she’d ask why and I’d have to come up with an explanation.
We’re not right for each other. But she’ll probably ask why again.
I just can’t do this anymore.
I reminded myself to apologize to her. Profusely. She deserved thousands of apologies. I’d never be able to make this up to her. I led her on. I had sex with her when I didn’t really want to. I was the ultimate asshole and I treated her like shit.
I turned a corner and the tree came into view. From a distance, I could see her. Her bright red hair was the only vibrant color I could see. It was winter. There were no leaves on the tree. The sky was gray instead of blue. Even the grass on the field, although green, seemed dull compared to her hair.
With each step towards her, my heart felt heavier. It was pounding deeply and rapidly. My stomach was churning in knots.
Why am I breaking this poor girl’s heart?
Because it’s the right thing to do.
She finally spotted me and waved jovially. She walked over to greet me.
“Hey, sweetie!” She smiled brightly.
“Hey.” I couldn’t smile back.
Before I could stop her, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. Luckily, it was brief.
When she pulled away, she noticed the expression on my face. I must’ve looked upset.
“What’s wrong, James?” She asked with a worried look.
“We have to talk.” I said immediately.
At this point I didn’t care anymore about doing it gently. I just wanted to get it over with. She could probably already tell that this was gonna be bad.
I led her over to a bench and we sat down. By now she looked seriously scared. I hated hurting her but I knew there was no way around it. I took her hands to make her feel more at ease.
“James...” She said softly.
“Look...” I interrupted, “You are... such a sweet girl. Really. I mean it.” Just to make her feel better, I reached up and stroked her cheek.
Her fearful expression didn’t go away.
“You’re so sweet, and funny, and interesting... and I really do like you...”
“But...?” She encouraged.
I took a deep breath. “But... this just doesn’t feel right.”
Her scared expression fell into a sad one. She looked down at our interlocked hands. She didn’t say anything, so I kept talking.
“I just... I’m sorry. I didn’t want to keep leading you on, so I decided it would be best to end things now. I just... I feel like you and I would be better as friends.”
Oh fuck, everyone says that.
I didn’t know what else to say. The guilt was practically making me cringe. We sat for a moment in silence. When she finally looked up at me, she had tears in her eyes.
“Did I do something wrong?” She a
sked.
Oh, God.
“No!” I explained, “No, you didn’t.”
Spare me having to say the “it’s not you, it’s me” line.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just the way I feel.” I continued, “You’re an awesome girl, really. You’re going to make some man very happy someday.”
Although a tear dripped down her face, the corner of her mouth twitched upward into a partial smile.
“Are you okay?” I asked softly.
Her smile faded and she looked down again. Then she sighed frustratedly.
“I just don’t understand...” She cried, “I thought we were getting kinda serious...”
“I know.” I said, “But I think that’s part of what scared me. It’s not your fault, but I just... I just don’t feel right being with you. We’re not right for each other.”
“Why did you have sex with me?” She asked frankly.
I didn’t think she was going to ask that. I hadn’t come up with a good explanation. I had to just make one up on the fly.
“Because I really liked you... and it felt right at the time.” I explained.
“But then you changed your mind...?” Loryn asked.
“Well, yes, later I did...”
“What was I just bad in bed or something?” She was starting to get angry now.
“No, Loryn... that’s not it at all.” I was being honest. She wasn’t bad in bed. She just wasn’t my type. And I wasn’t breaking up with her just because the sex was bad. I was doing it for a host of other reasons as well.
“Well then what is it?” She asked, growing more upset by the second.
“You’re just not the one for me. And I’m not the one for you.” I explained, “I’m sorry. I hate to break your heart. But this is the right thing, I’m sure of it.”
She buried her face in her hands and cried for a moment. I felt sick to my stomach. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her as tight as possible. I whispered sincere apologies into her ear. I tried as hard as I could to make her feel better.
The Love We Breathe Page 9
