Looking back on my childhood and my high school life as a whole, I realized that the issue of my sexuality never affected me. Sure, I wasn’t exactly as interested in girls as the rest of my guy friends. But throughout high school, I still thought girls were hot. I jacked off to straight porn. I never once considered guys.
It wasn’t until Ryan.
Oh God... Ryan...
It wasn’t until I met him that all these feelings started surfacing. Even before I ever had sex with him, he interested me. When I first met him on my very first day at this school, he interested me. When he first told me he was gay, I was fascinated by him. When we had sex for the first time, it was intriguing.
Having sex with Ryan was so different than with any of the girls. The girls, for the most part, were all the same. They were each different in small ways, but ultimately they were quite similar. Ryan, on the other hand, was worlds apart. It wasn’t just because he had a penis instead of a vagina. It was because he brought feelings out of me that I didn’t know existed. Having sex with him couldn’t be described as “fucking.” It sounded wrong to put it that way, now that I thought about it. Now that I knew how he really felt about me.
Now that I’d met Ryan, now that I’d had gay sex (not just once, but several times), now that I’d really questioned myself, I felt like things were starting to make more sense in my life. It was a confusing process to get to this point, but here I was. Girls weren’t very interesting anymore. Ryan was.
I finally looked up and opened my eyes. A few students passed by. My head was a bit foggy, and the fountain was loud. But I stayed where I was. I took a few deep breaths and I started looking at the students passing by. I looked at the guys and the girls, and pointed out their differences in my head. The guys were masculine, with finely sculpted muscles and facial hair and deep voices. The girls were feminine, with curvy bodies and breasts and long hair. I wouldn’t want to have sex with any of these girls. Looking back now, thinking about Lindsey and Selena and Alex and the girl from the party and Loryn, fucking them seemed disgusting. They had breasts. And long hair. And they were all slippery down there. The guys however, were more appealing. They had flat chests and short hair. They were masculine. They turned me on.
The people around me were making me paranoid again. I put my head back down and tried to clear my thoughts again.
I broke it all down, as I had done so many times before.
I had sex with five girls. They were good at the time, but now that I looked back on it, they weren’t that great. I had sex with one boy. He was incredible. Not just physically, but emotionally. His personality turned me on. That had never happened with a girl. Girls didn’t excite me anymore. Now that I thought about it, they never did. I just forced myself to get an erection each time. I forced myself to come. Their breasts and slippery vaginas didn’t interest me at all. Now that I remembered each sexual encounter, it was always hard work to finish. It took so much concentration.
With Ryan, it was effortless. It was almost accidental every time. It took concentration and hard work not to come too soon when having sex with him.
I broke it down again.
And again.
And again.
Girls didn’t excite me anymore. Guys did. Specifically Ryan. Ryan excited me. Ryan drove me fucking insane.
Ryan.
Ryan.
Ryan.
He’s a guy, and he’s gay, and he has a penis, and he likes boys, and he loves me. He likes taking it up the ass and he has a flat chest and short hair. He’s so different, but he’s so much better. He’s beautiful. He’s gorgeous. He’s adorable. He’s sexy. He’s all mine if I want him.
And I want him. Goddamn it, I want him every fucking day for the rest of my life.
I don’t like girls anymore. I don’t think I ever did. I always tricked myself into thinking I did. But I never did.
I like boys.
I’m gay.
I’m gay.
Chapter Seventeen
.
I walked back to my dorm room slowly and casually. If I had any feelings in my body, I wasn’t aware of it. What I was aware of was the icy cold air against my face. It was chilly out. And that was all I could feel. I wasn’t entirely sure I still had feelings. I wasn’t entirely sure that I was human at all.
Instead of going back to Nickerson Hall and back to room 125, maybe I could just keep on walking. Maybe I could just walk clear across campus, clear across town. Maybe I could just leave this life and start a new one.
The only thing that kept me on the path towards Nickerson Hall was the thought of seeing Ryan. I couldn’t tell if that was okay or not.
I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. My mind understood it, but my heart didn’t. It hadn’t sunk in yet.
Before making the realization, things in my mind had seemed so complicated. I didn’t understand what part of which gender was attractive to me. It had confused me so much that I wanted to explode. But now it was simple. I’m gay. That’s all. I’ve been gay my whole life. This whole time I was just leading myself to believe I was straight. But I’m not. Girls are off the table. I like boys.
My heart still didn’t understand it.
I made it back into the warm dorm building. It was nice after being in the cold for so long. Admittedly, I’d only been outside for fifteen or twenty minutes. But it seemed like much longer. It seemed like it took years to figure out who I was. And in reality, it kind of did.
When I got back to the room, Ryan was seated at his desk. He stood when he saw me.
“Hey!” He greeted with a smile, “I was wondering where you went.”
I let the door close behind me. We were alone.
“Did you go down to get breakfast?” He asked, “You should’ve waited for me.”
I just shook my head and looked down. I knew that we probably needed to have a discussion, but I didn’t necessarily want to have it. My brain was tired. My spirit was tired. And although my body was well rested, it felt tired.
“You okay?” Ryan asked. He took a few steps toward me until he was close enough to wrap his arms around my waist. He looked up at my with curious worry.
I didn’t nod or shake my head. I looked up and felt tears sting my eyes.
“Jamie!” Ryan exclaimed when he saw my tears. He reached a hand up to my face.
I could feel it sinking in. Slowly, it was penetrating my heart. But I stopped it before it could get very far. I didn’t want to feel those emotions right now. But I did need to talk to my best friend.
“Ryan...” I sighed, my tears drying up.
“What’s the matter?” He asked softly. His blue eyes were large with worry.
I closed my eyes and ran a hand through my hair.
“You know you can always talk to me.” Ryan said.
I smiled at his kindness. He was so good to me. Such a great person, with a genuinely kind heart. People like that aren’t as easy to find these days.
“I’m gay.” I said. It was my first time saying it out loud, and my first time telling someone. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt scared and embarrassed. But after a second or two, I started to feel good. I felt powerful, brave, courageous. Yeah, I’m gay. So what? I can do anything.
I looked to Ryan to see what his reaction would be. I expected him to fly into my arms and cry with happiness, knowing that the guy he loved was gay too. But that’s not what he did. He looked into my eyes with a hint of an understanding smile. He nodded slowly, as if to say, I know. I’ve always known.
He’s always known. And yet he never pushed me to figure it out. Even though he loved me. Even though he wanted much more than sex. He didn’t pressure me. He let me figure it out on my own time.
He’s amazing.
I put my hands on his face and looked at him in wonder. This boy was probably the most incredible person I’d ever met. And he was all mine if I wanted him.
I leaned in and kissed him. Although we’d kissed countless times, it seemed
so new. It wasn’t confusing anymore. It felt good, and that made sense because I was gay. Of course it felt good. I liked boys. And Ryan was a very good kisser. Not to mention good in bed. And that’s what I wanted next.
Out of all the times we’d kissed, this was probably the most meaningful. It felt so good to know that I was allowed to kiss him now. Now that I knew I was gay, I could kiss him all I wanted. I could kiss any boy all I wanted, but the only boy I wanted to kiss was Ryan.
Within just a minute or two, we were already heading over to my bed. I lowered him onto it slowly, holding his waist and kissing him. I climbed on top of him and leaned down to kiss his neck. He hummed in approval and whispered my name.
As usual, that’s when I really got into it. I stripped off both of our shirts in a hurry and continued to press my lips onto his neck. As I moved down his chest, I could feel him getting hard underneath his jeans.
We shed the remains of our clothing and were both left completely naked and exposed. But for the first time, I felt completely comfortable with it. In the past, I’d always felt a bit insecure and unsure of myself while having sex with him. But this time it felt so...right.
I moved back to kissing his lips and he didn’t protest at all. He came up to meet me and placed a hand on my neck. He refused to let me go. He moaned and sighed and it was the biggest turn-on in the world (besides him saying my name, of course). After kissing passionately for a minute or two, I could feel him shaking slightly. I pulled away and looked into his eyes.
“You okay?” I asked softly, reaching up to touch his face.
He was breathing heavily but he managed to nod. “Yeah... feel my heart.” He said, pulling my hand from his face to his chest. I could feel his heart pounding rapidly.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, a slight laugh in my voice.
“Nothing... I’m just nervous.” He admitted.
“Don’t be.” I said softly. It made me smile, knowing that I was causing such an intense physical reaction in him. We both laughed embarrassedly. But it was adorable.
That’s when I noticed my own heart’s incessant pounding.
What is this boy doing to me?
Our lips met again, but this time it was slow and romantic as opposed to rough and passionate. When we broke apart, I took a moment to just stare at him. His blondish hair was pretty much completely dry from his shower earlier. It hadn’t been combed and was sticking out in random places from our heated make-out scene. But it looked adorable. His cheeks were completely flushed, highlighting his perfect cheekbones. His blue eyes were big and full of wonder and amazement. I couldn’t guess what he might be thinking. I had no idea. But he was giving me that look again. That not-so-mysterious-anymore look. The look that said, quite plainly without words, I love you.
“You’re beautiful.” I whispered.
I’d never said that to anyone before.
He sighed dazedly and didn’t look away from my eyes. He ran a hand through my hair and then pulled me towards him so that our foreheads would touch.
“You’re wonderful.” He whispered back.
He pulled me even closer, in a sort of hug. I held his waist and he wrapped his arms around my neck. I kissed his cheek. The skin on his face felt hot and feverish against my lips.
He sighed again. “James...”
That was it. I wanted him as soon as possible.
I got what I wanted. I had sex with Ryan McMahon. It was the most incredible and romantic and fulfilling sexual experience I’d ever had. Something was different from all the other times we’d had sex. This time, it was real. This time, it felt right. There was no “experimenting.” There was no need to pretend anymore. I could be my complete self with Ryan. I could be the real James Radine. It was probably the first time in my entire life that I wasn’t pretending to be someone I’m not.
It was wonderful not to have to pretend anymore. Yes, I was having sex with a boy. Yes, he was turning me on in the most intense way possible. Yes, he was more satisfying than all of the girls I’d ever been with combined. But that all made sense. That’s what was expected of me. I am gay, after all. Gay people are sexually and romantically attracted to the same sex. So it’s normal for me to be attracted to Ryan. It’s normal for him to satisfy me on an insanely deep level.
Every time we’d had sex in the past, I’d always lie to myself and say that Ryan wasn’t that great. But he was. He really was. And I didn’t have to lie about it anymore.
After we both finished, he pulled the covers over us and I held him close. It took us a minute or two to catch our breath. And after that we were completely still and silent. We gazed into each other’s eyes, and there wasn’t a second of awkwardness. As always, looking into his eyes was like reading a great book. I never got tired of it.
After a while, he slowly leaned in and kissed me, resting his hands on my chest as I held his waist. It was so easy to kiss him. I didn’t have to think about the technicalities of it. I could just let myself enjoy it, effortlessly. When we both used tongue, it completely fulfilled me.
He pulled away and looked at me longingly, our faces incredibly close together. Closing his eyes, he rubbed his nose against mine in a gentle Eskimo kiss.
“I love you.” He whispered.
My heart melted. “Oh, Ryan...”
I didn’t say it back, but he didn’t seem to mind that. He probably thought that I didn’t love him at all. But I wasn’t so sure that was true.
I was starting to change my outlook on Ryan. Now that I knew who I really was, I could start being honest with myself. I still wasn’t comfortable with my sexuality at all, but I was getting there. And I could at least admit to myself that I had feelings for Ryan. Of course I did. He drove me crazy. He was the only boy I’d ever been with, and the only boy I wanted to be with. And I didn’t just want him on a sexual level. Some part of me kind of wanted him to be my boyfriend.
Boyfriend... holy shit...
The thought was scary. But it felt so natural. It felt so much better to think of having a boyfriend, than having a girlfriend.
God, I’m so gay.
But that’s okay.
I’d never been in love, so I didn’t exactly know what it felt like. All I knew about it was from what I’d seen in the movies or on TV or what people sung about in love songs. I didn’t know how it actually felt, so it was hard to tell. But I definitely had feelings for Ryan. Very strong feelings.
I could definitely admit to that.
Chapter Eighteen
.
A few days later, Ryan and I went out to get coffee after class. The two of us sat at a table inside the campus coffee shop. It was pouring rain outside and it was nice to be in the heated building. We watched the rain through the window next to our table. The sky was completely covered in dark gray clouds and Ryan and I laughed as we watched students without umbrellas running outside.
“So how’ve you been?” Ryan asked, “I feel like we haven’t hung out that much the last couple of days.”
I knew what he meant. We’d been so busy with classes and homework that we hadn’t really talked much lately. The second semester had just stared and we were still getting used to our new schedules.
“I’ve been...well, you know.” I responded.
Ryan nodded in understanding.
Truthfully, I hadn’t been completely happy the last couple of days. Discovering my sexuality hadn’t been a fun process, and I was mentally exhausted from all the thinking it took. And on top of that, my stomach was constantly churning at the thought of coming out. I had to do it eventually, and probably soon.
“Are you okay?” Ryan asked in a low voice, even though we were the only ones in the coffee shop.
I nodded and sighed, even though I wasn’t entirely okay. I didn’t want him to worry. “Just a bit scared.” I said.
“That’s normal.” He assured me. He reached under the table and grabbed my hand. He let our fingers intertwine. I smiled.
The best part about the after
math of my realization was having Ryan. Of course, not long after our love making the other day, I completely broke down as everything sunk into my heart. Now I completely understood my sexuality, not just mentally but spiritually and emotionally. But it was nice to have Ryan there to hold my hand and remind me that everything was okay.
The last few days, all I could think about were the consequences of being gay. Everyone would have to find out eventually. It was agonizing to think about. But it felt good to know that the person across from me went through the exact same thing.
“You’re just afraid of telling people?” Ryan asked.
I nodded again. “Especially my parents...” I shivered at the thought. Ever since Thanksgiving break when my parents had made those awful homophobic comments about Ryan, I’d been a little annoyed with them. And now that I knew I was gay, I was almost afraid of them.
“Trust me, I know what you mean.” Ryan said, rolling his eyes.
“I wish your parents were more understanding.” I said, squeezing his hand, “Cause I don’t think mine are going to be.”
“What makes you say that?” He asked.
I didn’t realize until now that I’d never really told Ryan about my parents homophobic comments. But now, I wanted to tell him. It would help him better understand my fears.
“Well...” I sighed, “Over Thanksgiving break I was telling them about you, cause obviously they wanted to know about my new roommate... And when I told them you’re gay, they didn’t seem to like it very much...”
“What do you mean?” He asked.
“They just said it wasn’t normal and that it was gross and stuff like that.” I said, with a bit of an apologetic tone.
Ryan just nodded. He was used to comments like that by now. That fact was upsetting.
“Well...” He sighed, “You’ll get through it. And I’ll be there for you.” He rubbed my hand with his thumb and smiled at me.
The Love We Breathe Page 13
