But although I was still slightly mad at him and although he’d betrayed me the previous night, I still wanted things to work out between us. I had no intention of breaking up with him, and I didn’t want to fight anymore.
So I replied, “Yes.”
He looked down and I watched him smile with relief. I guess he still thought that there was a possibility of me ending our relationship. But he was wrong. I couldn’t possibly break up with him over something like this.
Ryan came over and sat next to me on my bed. He buried himself in my chest and I didn’t push him away. I even wrapped my arm around him and held him closer. It felt like the first time in a while that we’d been real with each other. I felt as though the entire spring break, we hadn’t been able to be ourselves.
Then he looked up at me and started somewhat of a small rant. “Listen, Jamie... anything between me and Adam is over. After our fight I realized that I have no reason to love him. You’re right, he’s an asshole. And I love you so much more than I ever loved him. I couldn’t risk our relationship just because I’m not entirely over him yet. So I decided to get over him. I’m fucking over it. I’m so sorry that I lied about our relationship, and I’m sorry I led you to believe that I still loved him.”
Hearing all these things definitely made me feel better, but it didn’t fill the curiosity still circling through my conscious. Parts of me were still upset with him. So I decided to voice my concerns. I wanted to maintain a good amount of communication between us. Any lack of communication would just lead to another fight.
“But Ryan, that still doesn’t explain why you lied to Adam about our relationship.” I said.
“It doesn’t really matter why I did it.” He said, shaking his head, “I was confused and upset and kind of in shock from seeing him after so long. I thought I still wanted him, I thought I still loved him, so I acted on those thoughts. But then I turned and looked at the amazing guy that I already have.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“So I thought, fuck Adam.” He continued, “He is an asshole who broke my heart a long time ago. He’s part of my past, and I want to move on from that. I’m done with him. I want to be with you, Jamie. I love you.”
I pulled him in for another hug and squeezed his shoulder. Just from hearing what he had to say, I somehow suddenly felt so much better. I’d told him what was bothering me, and although he never gave a direct answers as to why he lied to Adam, it still made sense in my head. People make mistakes, and I had to forgive Ryan for this one.
“But Ryan...” I said, “This kind of thing can’t happen again.”
He nodded against my chest.
“If Adam ever comes back into your life for whatever reason, and something like this happens again, I’m not gonna stand for it.” I said sternly.
“That seems fair.” He mumbled, “It’s not gonna happen again, Jamie. I promise.”
“Good.” I said, “Thank you.”
I lifted his chin and placed my lips onto his softly. It felt like it had been weeks since our last kiss, even though it was only the previous night.
“So we’re okay?” He asked when I pulled away.
“I think so. Don’t you?”
He sighed. “As long as you still love me.”
“Of course I do.” I said.
He buried his face in my neck once more and breathed in my scent. “Say it.” He said, his voice muffled by my shirt.
“I love you.” I told him.
“I love you too.” He responded.
Classes would be starting again the next day, so we made sure to get a good night’s sleep that night. It was much easier to sleep knowing that Ryan was curled up in my arms, and that everything was fine between us.
In the morning, as I was walking to my first class, I suddenly noticed a recognizable face and a pop of bright red hair. She was sitting at a bench near the cafeteria, casually munching away on a green apple. She had a book in her hands that she was paying very close attention to, but she was still leaning back nonchalantly on the bench.
Her bright red hair would’ve been a telltale sign of her from a mile away. Loryn. My ex-girlfriend that I only dated for a month or two before realizing my feelings for Ryan. The girl I had sex with just for the sake of an orgasm. That Loryn.
I honestly hadn’t seen her since I broke up with her months ago. I had no idea if she knew about my relationship with Ryan, or if she knew that I was gay at all. And if she did know about it, I wondered what she thought of me.
For some reason, part of me missed her. She was a very sweet girl, and despite the fact that I was not romantically or sexually attracted to her in the least bit, I still liked her as a person. She was an annoying girlfriend, but probably a great friend. And now that I was comfortable with myself and with my sexuality, perhaps befriending her would be easier.
I thought about going over to where she was sitting just to have a quick chat before class. I worried about interrupting her reading, but after a minute figured she wouldn’t care.
Before I had the chance to make any kind of decision however, she suddenly looked up from her book. She turned her head and scanned her surroundings until she spotted me, standing there and staring at her like an idiot.
Reluctantly, she reached up and gave a small wave in my direction. She twiddled her fingers loosely and had somewhat of a confused or surprised expression on her face. I couldn’t see her eyes, since she was squinting in the sunlight and she was rather far away from me.
Smiling a bit, I waved back and started to make my way over to her bench. I viewed her waving as an invitation for a chat. She dog-eared her page in the book she was reading and set it next to her as I came closer.
I sat on the bench and said “Hi,” rather plainly.
“Hey.” She greeted.
“I haven’t seen you in forever.” I said, “How’ve you been?”
She smiled and nodded, “Pretty good, actually.”
“Really?” I felt a bit less guilty about breaking up with her.
“Yeah.” She answered, “How’ve you been?”
“Great.” I replied, which was the honest truth. Even after my fight with Ryan, I still felt happy in my life overall. Knowing who I was helped boost my confidence, and having someone that I loved who loved me back was truly incredible. I couldn’t remember ever being this happy.
She nodded, tilted her head to the side, and smiled knowingly. “I’m glad.”
Something about that smile and the twinkle in her eyes suggested that she knew about my relationship with Ryan. But I didn’t bring it up.
Instead of letting things get awkward, I bravely brought up a big elephant in the room. “We promised each other we’d stay friends after we broke up.” I said, “I still want that.”
Her smile turned warm and friendly, and she tucked a lock of vibrant hair behind her ear. “Really?” She asked, “We haven’t talked in so long I thought you didn’t want to be my friend.”
“I know...” I admitted, “And I’m sorry about that. Maybe I felt guilty about breaking your heart, or maybe I had some things to work out in my own life.”
“You didn’t break my heart, James.” She said, “Let’s be honest. Our relationship was never the most serious thing in the entire world. I did love you in a way, and I guess I still do. But you didn’t break my heart. I was fine after a few days, to be honest.”
That made me relieved. I never wanted to hurt her. I was glad it worked out the way it did.
“That’s great.” I sighed.
“Yeah.” She nodded in agreement, “I think I might be dating someone new now.”
I smiled warmly to show her that I wasn’t in the least bit upset to hear that. I was glad that she was able to move on and forget about me. In fact, I figured it would’ve been easy for her since we were only together for a month or two. Although we had sex once, I never felt that our relationship was serious. And I guess she agreed with that fact.
“That’s great.”
I repeated.
“And hey,” She said, slapping my chest with the back of her hand casually, “I heard you’re dating Ryan now.”
Shit. My heart started pounding immediately. But she had a kind and understand smile on her face.
“I’m happy for you.” She said.
I had to put a hand over my heart and exhale, almost as though I’d just gone for a short sprint. It was like getting the wind knocked out of me in a good and healthy way. Loryn knew about my relationship with Ryan, and it didn’t seem to bother her. It was like hearing that you had a clean bill of health after thinking you might have cancer.
“Really?” I asked, an amazed smile flooding my face.
“Of course!” She said, with wide eyes. She rubbed my back comfortingly.
“I thought it would freak you out or something.” I said, “I mean... knowing that you dated a gay guy for a few months.”
She swatted the air with her hand and snorted, “That doesn’t bother me at all. After hearing that you two were together, I figured that the reason you broke up with me was because you were a bit confused.”
I laughed. “Yeah, that was mostly it.”
“Well I’m glad you figured everything out.”
There was a pause for a moment, and then I looked up at her guiltily. “I’m sorry if I ever led you on. I was truly confused and I thought that dating you proved I was totally straight.”
“I understand that.” She said, “Our relationship has not hurt me in any way. I’m fine.”
I could tell that she was being honest. I smiled.
“Well...” I said after another pause, “I’m gonna be late for class. But... maybe I’ll text you later and we can hang out sometime. As friends of course.”
She laughed. “Of course.”
“See you around, Loryn.” I said, standing up.
“Bye, James.” She waved goodbye and her red hair floated in the breeze.
I strolled off to class feeling relieved and happy. It was so nice to get some closure from her. I’d always felt a hint of guilt in the back of my mind whenever I thought about her, and that feeling was completely destroyed now that I had spoken with her. It amazed me that she and I were able to have such a heart-to-heart without even making small talk beforehand. She and I were happy for each other, and that was such a relief.
And yes, I did end up hanging out with her a few times before the end of the school year.
Chapter Twenty Nine
.
After a lot of studying and brain-numbing final exams, our freshman year ended in somewhat of a quick fashion. I’d barely gotten used to being back at school after spring break when the year suddenly ended, almost too fast. Although I was relieved to be done with school work until the fall, I dreaded going back home for a couple reasons. Firstly, I didn’t want to face my parents, whom I hadn’t seen since winter break, because I still hadn’t come out to them. And secondly, I didn’t want to leave Ryan.
Since he lived just two hours away from our school and I lived all the way up in Northern California, I wouldn’t get to see him over the summer. We talked briefly about possibly visiting each other but didn’t make any sort of plans for it. On the day of our departure from school, I felt like crying the entire time we were packing up our things.
While sitting on our dorm room floor and stuffing his things into boxes, Ryan noticed the look on my face. He immediately stood up to hug me.
“Aww, baby don’t be sad!” He exclaimed. But as soon as he said it, he himself started bursting into tears.
“Ryan...” I cried, holding onto him as tightly as possible. I tried to hold in the tears, but the effort just made my throat tighten painfully.
It seemed ridiculous that we were so upset. We would only be apart for three months. In reality, it wasn’t that long of a separation. We’d see each other back at school in the fall, where we’d probably be roommates again. Plus, visiting each other over the summer was a possibility. And we could also call and text each other as often as we pleased. But even after remembering all these things, I still felt tears threaten to escape my eyes.
Ever since we’d become a couple, Ryan and I had barely left each other’s side. We roomed together, hung out every day, and even spent our spring break together. I’d seen him every single day since our relationship officially began. It was almost torturous to be separating now, with miles and miles of distance between us.
“Let’s promise we won’t miss each other too much.” He said, wiping away his tears and pulling away to look at my face.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to help it.” I said, with laughter in my voice.
“Oh, Jamie...” He said, breaking down again and nearly tackling me in another hug. It was almost comical.
After a second or two of crying against my chest, he pulled away and attempted once more to wipe away his tears.
“No, no, we’ll be fine.” He said to himself, turning to continue packing, “We’re gonna be fine. It’s just three months. What’s the big deal?”
Now I really had to laugh at him. “Ryan, relax.” I said.
“Well you’re upset too!” He accused.
“I know, but you’re a mess.” I said, kneeling down to where he sat on the floor.
He tried to distract himself by continuing to pack his things, but it didn’t seem to help his tears subside. He gave up and his body wilted into mine.
“I don’t want to leave each other.” He whined.
I wrapped my arms around him comfortingly and leaned down to kiss his lips. “We’ll be okay.” I promised, wiping away his tears.
He gave a heavy sigh, and then leaned back in to continue kissing me. He rested his hands comfortably on my waist and adjusted his position so that he was basically sitting in my lap. His lips were warm and soft, as always, and his breath tasted minty since he’d just brushed his teeth. The kiss was refreshing and comforting at the same time. It perfectly combined both warm and cool feelings.
Before I knew it, we were laying on the ground with him on top of me and our lips still attached. Our kissing grew a bit more passionate than I had originally intended, but I definitely wasn’t complaining about it. His hands, gracefully passing over my body, felt like fire but gave me chills. He knew exactly how to move his lips, and eventually he started kissing down my neck. It felt like heaven until I remembered that I wouldn’t be able to kiss him like this again for three whole months.
When our lips parted, I took a second or two to stare into his blindingly blue eyes. I started feeling sad again, and pulled him down so that he was laying on the floor next to me. He snuggled up against my chest and buried his face in my neck.
“I’m gonna miss you.” I said sadly.
He gave a heavy sigh.
“Ditto.” He whispered.
We finished packing up our room until it was in the shape we first found it in. Just two plain empty beds, two plain empty desks, two plain empty wardrobes. Four empty white walls, blank carpet that had never been this clean. It made me both sad and happy at the same time. Sad because it just meant that Ryan and I would be parting ways soon. Happy because the next time we saw a dorm room like this one, we’d finally be reunited.
Tim would be driving down to pick up Ryan, while my parents would be doing the same for me. They were coming all the way down from Northern California to drive me and all my things back home. When Tim arrived, I helped both him and Ryan load all of Ryan’s boxes into the car. It was a hot day in late May, and the loading of boxes was exhausting, especially knowing that I’d have to do the same thing again once my own parents arrived.
“Thanks for the help, James.” Tim said, clapping his hand on my shoulder. “Maybe we’ll see you over the summer?”
“Hopefully.” I responded.
While Tim was getting into the driver’s seat, Ryan closed the trunk of the car and immediately turned to give me a hug goodbye. Not caring if his dad was watching or not, I held onto Ryan with all my might and refused to let him
go. He burrowed his face into my shoulder and stayed there, never wanting to let go.
“It’s only three months.” I reminded him.
“Three months too long.” He said breathily.
I gave him a brief kiss on the cheek, and then another slightly more intimate one on the lips.
“Bye.” I said simply, giving him another squeeze.
He groaned in some form of complaint.
“I love you.” I told him, giving him one last peck on the lips.
“Love you more.” He said, brushing his fingers against my cheek.
“Not true.” I said as he pulled away from my grasp.
As he walked to the passenger’s side of the car, he turned and gave me a sly smile as if to say, yes it is true. I love you more. Deal with it.
I still didn’t believe it.
I watched as he got in the car, closed the door, buckled his seatbelt, and then turned to give me one last wave through the window.
I waved back and I could tell there was probably a sad expression on my face.
“I love you.” I mouthed, desperately hoping he knew that even though I’d just told him.
He mouthed it back and Tim drove the car away and out of my sight.
I stood there for a moment and stared into the distance. The sun was beating down on my neck and it threatening to burn me, but I didn’t care. I don’t know why I stood there for so long, staring at the spot where the car had disappeared around a corner. Maybe it’s because some part of me thought I would see the same car coming back in just a few minutes. Maybe for some reason I thought that he’d be coming back soon. But obviously, that wasn’t true. He was homeward bound, and so was I. I had to face the fact that we lived at completely separate ends of the state. We wouldn’t be seeing each other for three long months.
That fact still hadn’t sunk in.
Hesitantly, I turned and walked back inside Nickerson Hall, back to room 125, probably for the last time. Since this was a freshman dorm building, I wouldn’t be rooming here next year. I finished packing up my things and said goodbye to friends and friendly acquaintances who were also rooming in Nickerson. At least, the ones that were still here. Almost everyone in Nickerson had already gone home. I was one of the last to leave.
The Love We Breathe Page 23
