“I still can’t believe you’re here.” I said.
He laughed. “I missed you.”
It had only been a month or so since we’d last seen each other, but I had to agree that I missed him too. Just a week or so apart from Ryan was a bit upsetting, and a month was nearly torture. So far this summer, I’d spent my days sitting around the house bored, hanging out with high school friends that I didn’t really care for, calling and texting Ryan, and crying because I wished he was with me. The surprise of him arriving on my doorstep was such a relief that I felt completely satisfied laying here with him. And it wasn’t just the satisfaction of finally having some sexual interaction with him. It was also just satisfaction at having him be here with me. It would still be fantastic even without the sex.
“I love you, ya know.” I reminded him.
He lifted his head up to look at me. He gave me a quick yet tender kiss and said softly, “I love you too, Jamie.”
And now I needed to know more details.
“So why did you come and surprise me?” I asked.
“Well...” He sighed deeply, resting his head on my chest again as if he were tired, “I was going crazy missing you. And I thought it would be fun to come visit you. I would’ve called first to tell you, but it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision. And of course, I wanted it to be a surprise too.”
“Why was it such a quick decision?” I asked.
He sighed again. “I was just... feeling a bit trapped in my house. I’m sick of my mom giving me disapproving looks whenever I text you or call you or whatever. And I missed you so much... and I just needed to get away from my parents I guess.”
It made a bit more sense now, his quickly stuffed backpack and his random surprise visit. He needed a quick getaway, and decided that my house was the place to go.
“You’re dad’s still cool, right?” I asked hopefully.
“Yeah definitely.” He confirmed.
“And you didn’t get in a fight with your mom or anything, right?”
“Well, not exactly.” He said, “I just didn’t want to be near her anymore. She had made a few comments about you and I was just sick of it. So I just told my dad I wanted to come visit you. He even paid for my plane ticket.”
I was so taken aback by this that I nearly gasped. His dad really had listened to me when I’d spoken to him over spring break. I couldn’t believe what an impact I’d made on his opinion of homosexuality. Before spring break, his dad would tease Ryan for being gay constantly, assuming that it was just a phase and completely disapproving of it. And now he was actually willing to let Ryan visit his gay boyfriend? Not just that but he was actually paying for the plane ticket? It was astonishing to me, but definitely in a good way.
“Wow.” I said simply, in admiration for Tim.
“Yeah.” Ryan agreed, “I love my dad so much. I mean... I love my mom too but I just wish she would see reason. Thank you for changing my dad’s opinion.”
“I didn’t change it, I just helped him realize that being gay isn’t bad.” I said.
“Yeah, and because of you he’s now supportive.” Ryan said.
“Well...” I tried to object modestly.
“If it weren’t for you talking to him, I wouldn’t be here visiting you right now.” Ryan argued.
I laughed. “I guess you’re right.”
I hugged him close and rubbed his back lovingly. We were silent for a few moments, savoring the fact that we were actually in each other’s arms. We wouldn’t get to snuggle like this for the rest of the summer, so we didn’t take it for granted.
“But there’s also another reason why I’m here.” He told me after a minute or two.
“What’s that?” I asked curiously.
“I’ve been thinking about your current situation with your parents,” He said, “And I’ve been a bit worried about you. It must suck to be trapped in a house with your parents while you’re keeping secrets from them. Very important secrets. I mean... I felt trapped in my house, even when there were no secrets between me and my parents. So it must feel horrible for you.”
“And your point is...?” I asked rudely, knowing where this was going.
“I’m here to help you come out to your parents.” He said, looking up at me.
“No.” I protested immediately.
“Yes, James.” He said, “You have to do it.”
“No.” I repeated.
“James... don’t argue.”
“No. You can’t pressure me into something like this.”
“But Jamie...”
“No! I’ll do it when I’m ready! You have no say in the matter!”
“But I kind of do... I mean, I’m the secret you’re keeping from them.”
“Why would you wanna force me into this?” I asked, getting angry.
He looked at me with love in his blue eyes. “Because I love you and I know you’re suffering.”
I hadn’t really thought of it that way before. I wasn’t necessarily suffering at home with my parents. It was just a bit stressful trying to cover up the most important aspect of my life. I constantly had to make up stories, constantly had to cover up the truth. I had no one for miles that I could actually talk to and be honest with. Ryan and my college friends were the few people that actually knew the truth and were supportive and understanding. And they were all miles and miles away.
Okay maybe I was suffering a bit.
“Ryan...” I sighed, wanting to argue more.
“I know you are.” He said, “Don’t deny it. It can’t be easy for you to keep secrets from them. Especially because they’re your parents and you love them.”
That was true. I did love my family and my siblings. It was hard to lie to them all the time.
“And if you tell them now, I’ll be here to hold your hand if it gets scary.” Ryan said.
That thought was so comforting that I nearly cried. For the first time this summer, I finally had someone there to hold my hand. Someone who understood. In fact, it was someone who’d been through almost the exact same thing. Coming out as a homosexual to your parents. He’d been through it, and I was going through it too. He completely understood my situation. He would hold my hand when It got scary.
I held him tighter and took a shaky breath. I didn’t want to tell them. I wasn’t prepared in any way. But I was so worn out from all the lying and the covering up. I was so tired of keeping secrets. And Ryan was right. If I did it now while he was here, I wouldn’t have to feel so alone.
“Okay.” I agreed.
“Really?” He asked in disbelief.
“Yeah.” I was a bit hesitant, but I knew I had to do it.
“Are you serious?” He asked.
“I have to. You’re right.”
“I don’t mean to pressure you into it...” He said.
“No... you’ve just made me realize that I have to, that’s all.”
“If you don’t wanna do this, you don’t have to.” He said, “I just thought it would be a good idea...”
“I want to.” I clarified, “I really want to. I’m scared, and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. But I want to tell them the truth. I’m sick of lying.”
Ryan smiled beautifully, as if he admired me for being so strong. But truthfully, I didn’t feel strong at all. I felt like a slight breeze would knock all the courage out of me. I was terrified. But I had him by my side, and it would be okay.
“I love you.” He said, kissing me.
I repeated the phrase to him, smiling through my fear.
We climbed back into the front seat of the car and sat there for a moment before I started the engine.
“You wanna tell them right now?” He asked, “I mean, as soon as we get back to your house?”
My heart shuddered at the idea, but it felt right. “Yeah.” I said, my voice shaky.
“It’ll be okay.” He said, grabbing my hand.
“I’m so scared.” I admitted.
“That’s how you’re
supposed to feel.” He said, “It won’t feel this bad forever. I promise. I’m here for you. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I said, smiling at him. My eyes started to water in fear, but I felt somewhat confident anyway.
I started the car, and we drove back home, back to my parents, right into the danger that was awaiting me, straight into Hell.
Chapter Thirty
.
By the time we pulled up into the driveway my hands were shaking so violently that I was just glad to be off the road. It felt dangerous to be driving a car under such emotional conditions. My heart was beating so fast and so hard that it was almost painful. My stomach was a bit unsettled. I felt like crying and I was about to start hyperventilating.
When I got out of the car, Ryan could see how upset I was. He grabbed my hand to comfort me but I jerked away, scared that my parents would look through the window and see us. At the moment I wasn’t worried about offending Ryan.
“Sorry.” I said, quite insincerely.
“Don’t worry, Jamie.” He said quietly, “I’m here for you.”
I didn’t respond, simply because I didn’t feel like talking. I was actually afraid that one word out of my mouth would be followed by vomiting or passing out. My fear was forming and uncomfortable lump in my throat, making it difficult to swallow without gagging.
I started for the front door anyway, pushing my emotions aside so I could simply get the job done. All I needed to do was say two words. Sure, the consequences of uttering those two words to my parents could be disastrous. But I’d worry about that later. For now, I just needed to get it over with.
With each step towards the door, I found myself feeling unsteady. My feet felt heavy and my joints felt stiff, as if my body was doing anything in it’s power to prevent me from reaching that front door. My body was protecting me from the pain it was about to feel.
Ryan placed a comforting hand on my back as I reached the porch. His touch certainly made me feel better, but the relief only lasted a few seconds. The lump in my throat returned and the horror of what I was about to do came crashing down.
I turned to him with watery eyes. “I can’t do this.” I whispered.
“Yes you can.” He encouraged, “You’ll do great.”
He reached up and kissed my cheek. My body nearly collapsed.
“I love you, Jamie.” He said, “I’ll be there the whole time. I won’t leave you, I promise.”
That notion is what encouraged me to continue. I hesitantly opened the front door and stepped into my house.
It was the house I grew up in with my siblings. Although Kendall and Peter were significantly younger than me, I still had fond memories of growing up with them in this very house. I used to babysit them when our parents were at work. But it was never really babysitting. It was just playtime. We would build forts in the living room with blankets and pillows. We would watch old Disney movies and eat popcorn. We would bake things in the kitchen and make a complete mess. We would run around in the backyard. Even though Kendall was now thirteen and Peter was eleven, I still loved them to death and still enjoyed being with them. I loved growing up with them in this house. I loved it when our grandma came to visit. I loved when our mom would cook us dinner or our dad would put up the Christmas tree. I loved my childhood, and now as I walked through the house into the living room, I felt as though my childhood was being wiped away. Goodbye blanket forts, goodbye baking in the kitchen, goodbye Christmas tree. It was about to be over, because I was an adult now, a college student. And I was about to end whatever lovely fantasies my parents might’ve had about how their oldest son would turn out.
Turns out I’m just a fag.
Ryan and I returned to the living room, and my parents were pretty much in the exact position we’d left them in. Mom was sitting on the couch watching some daytime talk show, and Dad was sitting in his old recliner, reading the newspaper that he hadn’t gotten a chance to read this morning. They were the epitome of typical middle-aged parents.
“Hey, you’re back!” Mom greeted, turning the TV off, “Did you have fun showing Ryan around town?”
I didn’t answer her. I couldn’t.
Luckily, Ryan came to my rescue. “Yeah, it was loads of fun.” He said, appearing completely natural.
“James, you ought to introduce Ryan to your buddies from high school.” Dad suggested without looking up from his paper.
I still didn’t have to strength to speak.
“That sounds like fun.” Ryan said, “James has told me a lot about them already. I’d be glad to meet them.”
By now my parents started to notice that I hadn’t said a word. They both looked at me questioningly. Mom must’ve noticed a strange look on my face. I felt my cheeks burning red hot.
“James?” Mom asked, “Everything okay?”
“Uh...” That simple utterance was all I could manage.
There was a pause for a moment while my parents stared at me curiously and I stared between them.
“Wanna sit down, James?” Ryan asked, acting totally casual. I was starting to think this theater major idea wouldn’t be so bad for him.
I merely nodded, and the two of us sat on the couch. I sat between Ryan and my mom, with my dad’s chair on the other side of my mom. Ryan wouldn’t be in the middle of this. It was another way of showing me that he was by my side, but ultimately I had to do this on my own.
I swallowed, trying to submerge that lump in my throat. But it wouldn’t go down, so I ignored it and tried to speak anyway.
“I... have to tell you guys something.” I managed.
My mom looked at me with extreme curiosity, even worry. My dad folded his paper and set it down on the floor next to his chair.
“What is it, son?” He asked. His paternal voice that I’d gotten so used to all these years only made it more difficult for me to swallow.
I drew a deep, shaky breath. My mom saw my anxiousness and placed her hand on my arm. Instinctively I started to flinch away from her, but I let her rest her hand there.
“There’s just...something I’ve been keeping from you.” I said.
Oh God, is this really happening? No turning back now. How the fuck did I let Ryan talk me into this...
My heart was beating furiously. Each thump felt like someone stamping on my chest, but from the inside.
Inside out.
I was all inside out.
“James...” My mother said warningly, taking her hand away from my arm, “Is it something bad? Did you get into trouble at college?”
She was probably guessing that I’d done something wrong like fail a class or get a traffic ticket. I wish she were right. I wish it was something as harmless as that. Harmless in comparison to the truth...
“Well...” I said in response, “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?” Mom asked.
“I mean... I don’t see it as a bad thing… but you might.”
I found it astonishing that I’d made it this far into the conversation. With the way I was physically and emotionally feeling, I thought I’d back out before I even sat on the couch.
But here I was, in the middle of it all. My heart was still racing and my hands were still shaking and I still felt like puking, but I was here and there was no turning back now. I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans.
My father spoke up. “James, is this something we should be discussing while Ryan is in the room? Or is this private?”
Immediately, I reached around and grabbed Ryan’s hand. “No.” I said quickly, “No, Ryan needs to be here.”
Oh fuck.
I was holding Ryan’s hand. In front of my parents.
Shit, shit, shit.
They were looking at our hands questioningly. They were about to start asking questions. They were about to start guessing. Maybe they already figured it out.
I was holding his hand and he was intertwining our fingers. It was clearly affectionate. It was clearly a more-than-friend
ly gesture.
We were clearly two homosexual boys who were very much in love with each other.
I had to do it. I had to spit it out now. Right now. Now before they could start guessing. Now before they could start asking questions. If they started asking questions, I wouldn’t have the strength to answer them.
Do it, James. Spit it out right now. RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
I squeezed Ryan’s hand so tightly that I felt his knuckles crack. I heard him whisper “Ow,” but he didn’t let go of my hand.
RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
My mom was looking at our hands with a suspicious look on her face. All she said was my name. Just once.
“James...”
“I’m gay.”
Fuck.
I felt every muscle in my body tighten. I couldn’t believe how fast I’d said it. I couldn’t believe that I’d said it at all. My mind didn’t have time to process everything.
They know.
I hated myself but also admired myself. I hated Ryan for making me do this, but I loved him for encouraging me. I loved him in general. And my parents needed to know that. They could probably guess by our intertwined hands and by the closeness of his body to mine and by the fact that Ryan had even shown up at our house at all that we were a couple.
My mind was moving at ten thousand miles an hour and it made time seem to slow down significantly. Ryan was breathing softly but quickly next to me. He was squeezing my hand. My parents’ expressions were somewhere between shock and confusion. My own body seemed to be curling up in pain and sickness. I didn’t know whether to stay here and die or run away or vomit or pass out. I wanted to be locked up in my own bedroom under the safe covers with Ryan curled up next to me. I wanted to be at school, as far away from my parents as possible. I wanted to be in Japan. I wanted to be at the bottom of the ocean. But I had to sit here and face my doom. I had to face the torture that was about to wreck my body and mind and heart and soul into an even worse state. I knew what my parents were probably thinking. I knew how they probably felt about it. I had to accept it and let it hit me full-on.
The Love We Breathe Page 25
