She was at Jay’s front door. Lifted her hand. Knocked. She almost jumped back when he pulled open the door.
“Hi,” he said, as though he’d been expecting her.
“Hi. You want some company?”
“Sure.” He stepped away. Once she was in the house, she noticed that he was wearing cutoffs. And his hair was wet.
“I just came in from the pool to get a drink when I heard your knock.”
She would have missed him if she’d been a few minutes earlier. Or later.
“I’m having beer. You want something?”
She hadn’t had a beer in years. During her first year of college, she’d consumed more beer than water. “Sure.”
Following him through to the kitchen, Ellen waited for him to lead her outside.
He came to the table instead.
“You said you were out at the pool.”
“I was.”
“Then let’s go back out. I miss having a pool of my own. When I lived at home, I used to sit outside on hot summer nights and feel like I was the luckiest girl alive.”
She still felt pretty lucky. Most days. One particular day aside.
“I can be done for now.”
“Really, I don’t mind,” Ellen said. “Don’t cut your swim short because of me.”
He was different. Too subdued. As if he’d been socked in the solar plexus.
Shock, she figured. He’d had a traumatic night and was here all alone. She was glad she’d stopped by.
“I swim in the nude.”
“Oh. Well…” She wouldn’t mind. “Don’t you have a suit you can put on?”
“Yeah. If I wanted to bother. I don’t.”
This Jay was different. She didn’t quite know what to do with him. She wasn’t afraid, or even uncomfortable. She simply wasn’t sure how to help him.
“Can we sit outside?” she asked. He’d said once that the pool and backyard were the best part of the house. “Sure.”
Taking the beer he’d handed her, she settled into one of two lounge chairs and waited while he dropped to the one next to her. With his feet up in front of him, Jay leaned back.
“So how did it go?”
He stared at the pool. Then at the stars in the dark sky. The cacti and bougainvillea lining the stucco wall around his yard were mostly shadows, but visible in small patches from the landscape lighting.
The light in the pool was on, too.
“Good.” Jay’s answer was a long time coming. And sounded…weary.
Nothing like the man she’d come to know.
“Did you tell him?”
“Yeah.”
“And he took it well?”
“No. He cussed like a sailor and almost got me arrested for kidnapping and child molestation, I think.”
“What?” Ellen sat forward, studying what she could make out of his expression. “What happened?”
She listened while he told her about Cole’s call with his mother, and the message she’d left for Jay.
“They used you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know if it was that calculated, but maybe. It wouldn’t be the first time.”
Angrier than she’d been in a long time, she could barely stay seated. “They can’t do that to you. It’s wrong.”
“They can do it. They did.”
“Did she lie to you about being Cole’s father?”
“No, that part is true. Looking at that kid was almost like looking at myself in the mirror twenty years ago.”
“Then you have rights, Jay. No matter who they are or how much money they have.”
“Leave it alone, Ellen. It’s okay, really. For the best.”
“For the best? It’s not for the best. How could it possibly be for the best to tell a man he has a son, to tell a boy he has a father he’s never known, then expect both to forget they met each other?”
“McGuire’s the only father Cole’s ever known. More importantly, he’s the only father Cole wants. I don’t blame him. I’m sure as hell not going to disrupt his life with my rights and demands. It looks like things are going to settle down for him. Like he’s going to get on the right road and stay there. That’s all that matters.”
“Is it?”
He took a long swig of beer. “How the hell do I know?” He set down a nearly empty bottle. He’d just opened the thing. She wondered how many he’d had.
Not that she blamed him. A few beers at home by the pool seemed tame. He’d had a bad night by anyone’s standards.
“You can stay in touch with Kelsey,” she said. “Maybe work something out for occasional visits.”
Jay shook his head. “Not if it’s going to disrupt the family life he’s got. And needs. He’s at a critical age and I’m not going to cause him confusion.”
“He knows about you now. It’s not like he’s going to forget meeting you.”
“No, but his parents can help him deal with that—tell him I was in prison and didn’t know about him. Or tell him that I was in prison and did know about him. As long as the kid’s okay, it doesn’t really matter.”
“You don’t really believe that.”
“I don’t know what I believe.”
The truth of his words was so stark, so real, Ellen felt tears in the back of her eyes.
“They might not tell him you were in prison at all.”
“McGuire and Kelsey? Sure they will. If nothing else, to scare him straight. To make sure he doesn’t turn out like his old man.”
“If he did, he’d be one lucky guy.” She hadn’t meant to say the words, yet, once out, they felt right.
“I took the fall for all them,” Jay said in a conversational tone, as though discussing how much chlorine he’d put in the pool. “I was the bad apple, the one who brought the drugs. The rest of them had no idea. They all came out smelling like roses.”
“Who really brought the drugs to the party?”
“McGuire brought the cocaine. I have no idea who had the ecstasy.”
“Did you do any of it?”
“The ecstasy? No.”
“The cocaine?”
“Yeah. We all did.”
She wished he hadn’t. “What was it like?”
He turned toward her. “Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“Like the anticipation of Christmas morning.”
“That good, huh?”
“Yeah. And that bad, too. Coming down is worse than finding out that the only packages under the tree for you are socks you don’t need.”
Ellen chuckled. “I hate that I took you away from your swim.”
“The pool’s not going anywhere.”
She didn’t want to go anywhere, either. But she had no idea how to wrangle an invitation to stay. Shelley would know.
Ellen finished her beer. Put the bottle down. “We could swim together.”
“You don’t have a suit.”
“You said you don’t wear one.”
He froze. If she didn’t know better, she would say the blood stopped flowing through his veins he was so still.
“Do you want me to go?” she finally asked.
“What I want is for you to explain that last remark.”
“I want to…take off my clothes…and get in the pool. With you.” The words heated her skin. And everything inside it, too.
“What’s going on here?”
“I…”
“Because if this is some kind of Ellen to the rescue, make Jay feel better thing, I’d appreciate it if you left and we both pretended you never stopped by.”
If she’d been at her best, she would have seen that one coming.
“What if it’s a Jay to the rescue, make Ellen feel better thing?” She was so far out of her element, she wasn’t sure she was on the same planet. The darkness helped. But would she have stopped herself in the broad daylight? If Jay was the light at the end of her tunnel, she would be a fool not to walk toward him.
“You’ll need to explain that one.”
She’d been afraid of that. And yet, knew he was right. They had to do this together, fully agreeing on what they were doing and why, or it couldn’t happen.
“I guess, in a way, I’m no different from Kelsey and her husband,” she said, choosing her words. “I’d like to use you for my own gain.”
“Use me how?”
“I want to have sex with you.”
“You do.”
He’d taken that calmly. “Uh-huh.”
“Can I ask why?”
“I’m not sure why. I mean, you’re drop-dead gorgeous. And unlike anyone I’ve ever known. But this is me we’re talking about.”
She waited for him to say something. To rescue her. He didn’t.
If Mom could see me now. The random thought did nothing to quell the desire coursing through her.
She knew what to do. It was bold. Forward and promiscuous and probably deviant, too. The realizations didn’t diminish the sense of rightness.
She rose to stand beside Jay and undid the button on her pants. He watched her hands.
Taking his silence as an invitation to continue she slid down the zipper.
“Can I have your hand?”
He held it up to her as she’d somehow known he would. Jay wasn’t going to deny her.
There was something to be said for Ellen’s habit of wearing loose clothes. They left room for her to slide Jay’s hand down the front of her pants, guiding his fingers until they were between her legs. Only her panties separated him from her.
But it was her panties she wanted him to feel.
“You’re soaked.”
“I know.”
“Because of me?”
“Uh-huh. Since we talked on Saturday. And in full force since last night. I want to have sex, Jay. I mean, I really, really want to have sex.”
She released his hand, but he did not remove it.
“Just sex,” he said, his gaze locked on hers.
“Just sex. I know it sounds crazy and like I don’t know what I’m doing. And maybe I don’t. But do you have any idea how miraculous it is to me to have my body working again? To be able to feel this way?”
“I can imagine.”
“I know you aren’t the staying kind, Jay. I’m not under any illusions here. This might be the only way for me to move on because there are no strings attached. If I freeze, I don’t have to worry about the death of a relationship, or about hurting your feelings. You have no expectations, so you won’t be disappointed.”
“And you owe me nothing.”
“Right.”
His fingers hadn’t moved. Not on her. But not away from her, either. “Should I expect your mother or stepfather, or the sheriff or anyone else at my door with a shotgun in the next few minutes?”
“No.” She wanted to grin. To lighten the moment. But she couldn’t. The pleasure-pain he created within her was too beautifully excruciating. “My sister knows the plan. She’ll run interference for us.”
“You told your sister you were going to have sex with me?”
Ellen nodded, wanting him to know she’d thought this through.
“If I do this, it’s not going to be as your therapist. It will be as a man.”
His words made her crazier for his touch on her body. Everything about him turned her on. From the ponytail to the way he handled this conversation.
“I understand.”
“I’m going to enjoy it.”
“Okay.”
“Fully.” And she understood what he was saying to her. He was willing to be used, but not to be sacrificed.
“You’re going to come.”
“That’s right.”
If he didn’t soon put her out of this misery she was going to jump in his pool and drown herself. “Okay.”
“You’re sure.”
His hand between her legs was about to drive her mad.
“Completely.”
“I have no STDs. Never have had, and never intend to have, either.”
“Me, either.”
“So, you want to go swimming?” He moved one finger. Only slightly. She almost came unglued.
“Yeah.” Did that wanton croak belong to her?
“May I undress you?” Another clever wiggle of one finger. “Yes.”
Ellen stood completely still as Jay gently eased his fingers out of her pants and took hold of the bottom of her shirt. He started to pull it upward, exposing her stomach. And her ribs. Her breasts would be next.
He paused. Giving her a chance to change her mind before they crossed a line they couldn’t uncross. Once he saw her naked he could no longer be only her therapist. She understood that.
And when his searching gaze found hers, she nodded anyway.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
JAY WASN’T UPTIGHT WHEN it came to sex. He’d had women in unusual positions and unusual places. In his stupid days, he’d even had sex with two women at the same time. If there was a fantasy that didn’t involve sadism, masochism, foreign objects or same-sex encounters, he’d probably at least tried it.
None of it compared to standing in his backyard undressing Ellen. The encounter was different, bigger than sex, larger than him. His hands shook as he lifted her shirt over her head. She looked up at him, her gaze smoky with desire, and trusting at the same time. Emotions he wasn’t sure he recognized assailed his senses.
Her bra was white. Ordinary. Sensible. And incredibly sexy. With one click he loosened it.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” Her voice broke.
“If you need me to stop, say so.”
“I will.”
“I mean it, sweetie. We’ll do more harm if this goes bad and we continue.”
“I know.” She licked her lips and he fought his immediate instinct to bend and kiss them. He wasn’t going to close off an air passage. She needed freedom to breathe. Space to breathe.
With gentle strokes he worked his hands up her naked back and down again. Then over and up again until he was at her sides. His thumbs brushed the edges of her breasts.
“I want to touch them.”
“Okay.”
“You can touch me, too, you know.”
As her fingers slid under his T-shirt, he wished he hadn’t invited the invasion. This was about her. And he was having trouble concentrating. On keeping his mind—and body—in check.
He cupped her breasts and her eyes closed.
“Let’s get in the water.”
If he didn’t cool down, he was going to disappoint her. Fail her. And himself, too.
He kept his clothes on as he led her to the steps then down into the water. Without a word, Ellen stepped in, the light cotton of her unbuttoned pants clinging to her skin.
She looked him in the eye, though. And smiled.
“Okay?”
“Oh, yeah.”
So was he. And hard and ready, too, in spite of the cool water.
She leaned forward, let the water propel her to his body. He thought she was going to put her arms around him, hold on to him. Instead, she stripped him of his shirt and buried her face in the hair on his chest.
He’d gone to heaven without dying.
With the water lapping gently against his skin, he didn’t immediately realize that she wasn’t simply rubbing her face against him, that her tongue was darting out, tasting him.
Teasing her nipples with his thumbs, Jay tried to concentrate on her pleasure, to ignore his own need. Her touch and his penis worked in concert to make that goal impossible.
And when her hands reached around him, sliding down to touch his butt through his shorts, he gave up the fight.
It only took a second to rid Ellen of her pants. And panties. Then lose his shorts. He lifted her to the side of the pool, spread her legs, and did all of the things he’d refused to let himself fantasize about doing with this woman. Where she’d been hurt, he was most reverent, insuring that she felt nothing but pleasure with him.
With her hands on the deck behind he
r, and her head thrown back, she sat there, legs spread and came for him. Jay almost came, too, saving himself only at the last second with the reminder that Ellen wasn’t going to be confident of her ability to enjoy sex until he’d been inside her.
He eased away from her gently in the water then climbed out of the pool. His penis was engorged, right out there in front of him. He wanted her to see it. To know what was coming.
To give her ample opportunity to change her mind.
Instead, she took his hand, pulled him to the lounge chair, lay back and pulled him down with her.
“Oh, Jay, it’s never been like this. Not ever.”
Not for him, either, but this wasn’t about him.
“You’re an amazing woman, Ellen,” he said. “I’m going to climb on top of you now. Are you ready?”
“Yes,” she said, smiling a lazy smile. “You want to feel?” She brought his hand between her legs again. She was wet. And a little tight, too. Jay played with her a bit, tantalizing her until her hips were reaching toward him. Then he moved, positioning himself at her opening.
He didn’t push. He held himself there, and watched her face. She was watching him, too, and her eyes were filled with fear.
“Is it time to stop?” It wouldn’t be easy, but he’d do it. “I don’t think so. I want to feel you inside me. I want to come on you. I’m just afraid it’s going to stop and I don’t want it to.”
“If it does, we’ll start it up again.” He had no idea where the words came from.
“We will?”
“As many times as it takes, sweetie.”
Then she grinned. “So maybe I should tell you to stop so we get to start over again. A lot.”
Taking his cue from the hunger in her eyes, Jay pushed in a little and said, “Or maybe we don’t stop and do it again later because we like it so much.”
“So it’s okay with you if we do it again?”
He pushed again and was fully inside her. “Oh, yeah.”
“Oh, my word. Oh, Jay.”
He pulled back, and pushed in again.
“That feels so damned good. You have no idea how good.”
Maybe not, but he had a feeling he was pretty close to meeting her there. On the next push he felt her convulsing around him and had no choice but to spill himself inside of her.
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