“France, you have to get dressed,” Paxton tried to say calmly, but as she said the words, France let out a small scream in spite of herself, and clutched at Tony. He held her gently in his arms and laid her down on the bed again, until the contraction was over.
“France, we have to get you out of here,” he said calmly. “I’m going to carry you,” he said soothingly, but she started to cry and with a terrible sound, clutched at him again. She was half out of her mind with the pains that had begun just before midnight. And it was five o’clock by then, and suddenly Paxton saw that there was blood in the bed and it scared her. She tried to motion to Tony, but he knew exactly what was going on, much better than Paxton did, as he looked at her calmly. “We’re not going anywhere,” he said quietly, “get me all the towels you can find, and some newspaper, lots of it.” And as he said it, he started untying his shoes, and Paxton wondered if he had gone crazy.
He tried to leave France for just a moment after that, but she wouldn’t let him leave her for a moment, and then between the pains she kept murmuring, “Oh I’m so sorry … so sorry.…” And then she would be racked with pain again as Paxton watched her. She couldn’t imagine why Tony had ever thought that beautiful. It looked terrifying and terrible, and intolerably painful.
She came back with all the towels she could find, a pair of fresh sheets, and a stack of newspapers she’d found in the kitchen, and Tony told her to set them down and kneel beside him. And as she did, he got behind France, and held her, and this time when the pain ripped through her, she grabbed wildly for Paxton’s hands, and Paxton held her tight, the two women holding hands as France began to push out her baby.
“Oh no … Oh no!” she screamed. “The baby’s coming!”
“I know it is,” Tony told her gently, telling her what to do, as he tied one of the sheets around him like an apron between the pains, and she continued to clutch Paxton’s hands, and as she pushed again and again, Paxton cried with her, and then Tony told her to hold France’s legs, as he held her shoulders, and she continued to push, and Paxton wanted to run away screaming. She couldn’t bear to watch her in such pain. And then suddenly she gave an enormous push, and there was a tiny wail, and all three of them looked at the little red face that had sprung from France’s soul, as she looked at it in amazement.
“There you go,” Tony said, “now you have to push again, come on …” And this time the shoulders came, and Tony gently eased the baby out, holding it gently as the rest of France and Ralph’s baby came. It was a little girl, and as Paxton looked at the miracle, she was crying, and for the merest instant, Tony bent and kissed her. France was smiling then. And Paxton watched in amazement while Tony tied the umbilical cord with his shoelaces. “Call an ambulance,” he told her, as she looked at France with awe, and the man she loved with total admiration. She wanted to tell him how wonderful he was, but there would be time for that later.
Instead she went to call the ambulance, and before they came, she woke An. They had covered France up by then, and the little boy was pleased and amazed when he saw his baby sister.
“Did she come while Maman was asleep?” he asked, and the others smiled. “Did she wake you up?” he asked his mother. And he was very annoyed that they had to leave in the ambulance, but he was excited to go back to the hotel with Tony, while Paxton rode to the hospital with France and the baby. She was still overwhelmed by all that she had seen that night, the ghastly, searing pain, and then that tiny little face appearing, pushed from her hiding place into the world as her mother cheered her on. And now she lay peacefully sleeping in her mother’s arms, and France looked totally content as she lay there.
“I’m sorry I was so much trouble for you,” she said apologetically in the ambulance. And Paxton continued to hold her hand, totally in awe of what had happened. This all seemed so unreal to her. War was real. Death had almost become normal. But this miracle of birth, this part of her womanhood, took her by surprise and completely amazed her.
“You were so brave, France,” Paxton said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more helpful … I had no idea what to do …” She thanked God for Tony.
“You were wonderful,” France said sleepily, and closed her eyes, still clinging to Paxton’s hand. And Paxton stayed with her at the hospital until late that morning. And when she went back to the hotel, Tony was playing with An, and both of them looked extremely happy. Fortunately, Tony was off for two days, so he had been able to stay and wait for Paxton.
“How is she?” Tony asked worriedly. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s great.” Paxton smiled almost shyly at him. “The baby is beautiful, and she was nursing happily when I left them.” She still couldn’t quite believe all she’d seen, but somehow now she felt closer to him.
He looked at her for a long moment without saying anything, feeling it too, and then, still holding An’s hand, he put his other arm around Paxton and kissed her. “You were very brave last night.” It was a night they would both always remember.
“I’ve never been so scared in my life … my God, Tony … how do people do that?”
“It’s worth it,” he said without a moment’s doubt, and she knew the truth of that now. That moment when the baby’s head poked out and gave her first cry made it all worthwhile, Paxton knew she could never forget it.
“It really is a miracle, isn’t it?” He nodded then, and reached down and put An on his shoulders.
And Ralph came to find them at five o’clock. He had gone home and found her note, and then raced to the hospital to see France and their baby. And in a way, Paxton was sorry for him, because she had seen his baby being born and he hadn’t. He was beside himself by the time he got to the hotel, and he insisted on buying them champagne, and finally he left, with An in his arms, having thanked them both, and told them that they were naming the baby after Paxton, more or less. She was going to be Pax Tran Johnson. And Pax seemed an appropriate name for her. It meant “peace” in Latin.
And Paxton was still greatly moved by what she’d seen when they went to bed that night, still full of the thoughts of what had happened.
“I don’t know, Tony,” she said quietly as they lay in the dark. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” She was still impressed by the pain she’d seen. She still wondered how France had stood it.
But Tony only laughed softly in the darkness as he turned to her and kissed her. “I don’t think you have to worry about it for a while. I’d say you’ve got a few other things to take care of first.” Like surviving Viet Nam. They both did.
“You know what I mean. God, for a while there, it looked so awful.”
“I think it must get pretty bad,” he admitted. “But I don’t know, women seem to forget … they must … or they wouldn’t have more babies.” It had really made him think seeing France’s baby born, about the things that matter in life, the things one had left after a place like Viet Nam, and suddenly he longed for another life than this one. “I’d really love to have kids again,” he confessed that night.
“You’re good at it,” she said sadly, thinking of how he’d been with An. But who knew if they would ever have the chance. Who knew if any of them would be alive to have children. But it was a bond between them, a special moment they had shared, and now held tightly between them.
“I love you, Pax,” he whispered in the darkness.
“I love you too,” she whispered, and fell asleep in his arms, dreaming of France’s baby.
CHAPTER 24
In October, there was a nationwide moratorium in the States, with a huge demonstration to end the war. And there was another in November. And on November third, Nixon promised to end the war, and the people who listened to him, and believed him, were hopeful.
And on November sixteenth, the nation was rocked by the revelation of what had taken place at My Lai the year before, and suddenly there was a huge outcry in Viet Nam. In the States, Lieutenant Calley was being held, and in Viet Nam, the generals were questioning ev
eryone about it. The responsible people in the military were outraged. And there had been so much cruelty in the Viet Nam war on all sides, that somehow this example of it seemed to drive everyone mad. There were photographs of babies and children who had been shot. And the AP office, like Time and CBS, ABC and NBC, were all being rocked by demands for investigative reporting. It kept everyone busy for quite a while, and was the source of some amazing stories. Ralph and Paxton were so busy, they hardly had time to catch their breath, and it was a fight for Paxton to find enough time to spend with Tony.
Tony pulled some strings and made some trades, and they managed to get to Bangkok over Thanksgiving for R and R. They stayed at the Montien Hotel and spent four of the happiest days Paxton had ever had before they went back to Saigon. She was actually closer to Tony than she had ever been to anyone. They were as much friends as lovers, and seemed to be able to say anything to each other. And on the way back to Viet Nam on the plane, they talked about My Lai and Lieutenant Calley.
“Did you ever meet him?” She was curious about the man, and he was pleased to say he hadn’t.
“No, but I’ve heard stories like that. Unofficially, of course. You get enough scared GIs pissed off at the gooks, and sometimes they get pretty crazy. There are no rules over here, Pax, you know that. And some of the men don’t know what to do with that. Their buddies keep getting killed. They see no way out, their best friend just stepped on a mine, they can’t take it anymore, and all of a sudden they go nuts and take it out on Charlie.” It was pretty much what had happened at My Lai, but it sickened them anyway. The war had been too long, and much too ugly.
She went to the Bob Hope show with Tony at Christmas that year, and it was odd to think that only a year before, she’d gone to Martha Raye’s show with Bill. But here a year wasn’t the same time it was anywhere else. A year in Viet Nam was a lifetime. They spent a quiet evening afterward at her hotel and she had called her family in Savannah that morning. And the next day they went to visit France and Ralph, and they brought gifts for them and An, and the baby. Little Pax seemed to be thriving in France’s care, and it was obvious that Ralph was totally nuts about her. She looked a little bit like Ralph, but like France as well. And he was still trying to convince France to marry him, but so far he hadn’t convinced her.
He tried to talk Paxton into going out on a mission with him on New Year’s Day, to the Mekong Delta, but she hadn’t caught up on her work in days. Tony had to work that day, and she wanted to spend the time writing in her hotel room. And then she and Tony went to China Beach at Da Nang, for two days. When they returned she went to look for Ralph at the AP office, to find out if he’d heard anything about a firebase being overrun near An Loc over New Year’s.
No one seemed to know where he was, and she went back again the next day, and by then they knew. And as Paxton walked in, there was total silence. It didn’t register at first, and she stopped and checked the Teletypes and then she went back to see if Ralph was in his office, but he wasn’t. It was empty, and she could see from the clean coffee cup that he hadn’t come in yet. She tried to decide whether or not to wait, and as she glanced at her watch, she suddenly saw them. The others, watching her. They all knew, and everyone was afraid to tell her. They all knew her well, and knew how close she was to Ralph. And then finally, the assistant bureau chief walked slowly toward her. He beckoned to her without saying a word, and with a puzzled frown she followed him into his office.
“What’s up? Where’s Ralph?” She sounded young and bright, and as always, she was in a hurry. There were some stories she wanted to follow up on that day, and she hoped Ralph would turn up soon, and then he told her. Ralph had been killed on the way back from My Tho, a stupid thing, his jeep had run over a land mine. A “stupid thing” … a stupid thing … wasn’t it always a stupid thing? Was there an intelligent way to die here? By friendly fire or plastic bomb in a restaurant or howitzer or land mine? What was smart about any of it? What difference did it make once it was all over? And as Paxton heard the words, she sat and stared at him, unable to believe what had happened. It couldn’t have been. It couldn’t happen to Ralph. He had been there for years. He was too smart to be killed, too shrewd, too good, too kind, too careful. And he was thirty-nine years old and he had just had his first baby. Didn’t someone know that? Hadn’t someone told the guy who’d planted the mine? Not him … he has a baby … not her … someone loves her back home … didn’t anyone listen to those things? Didn’t anyone give a damn? She couldn’t understand what had gone wrong, as she got up and left his office without a sound, walked back to her hotel, rented a car, and drove straight to Cu Chi by herself, without thinking twice about the danger. All she wanted was to find Tony and tell him. And when he saw her walking across the base, he thought he had seen a vision. She didn’t even have her combat clothes on. She was wearing a pink skirt and blouse and white sandals. And it was only by sheer coincidence that he saw her at all. He was about to leave to take some new recruits out on maneuvers when he saw her. He hopped out of the jeep and told his corporal to cool his heels for a minute, and then he ran across the field and stopped her.
“What are you doing here?” She had scared the hell out of him. For a minute, he thought something was wrong, but then when he saw the way she was dressed, he decided it wasn’t. “Who drove you?”
“I did,” she answered with a desperate air. She seemed to be glancing around him frantically as though looking for something.
“What’s wrong with you, Pax? What’s wrong?” Maybe something had happened. She wouldn’t look at him, and she seemed so agitated and distracted. He had seen guys like that, right after their buddies were killed, half in shock, and about to go completely berserk. And then suddenly he knew, and he grabbed her. He held her fast against him and forced her to look at him. “Baby, what is it?” He was glad she had come to find him, but he couldn’t believe the insanity of her driving out to Cu Chi alone. But she was insane at the moment. And then suddenly she looked at him and started to gulp air. There were great sobs in her throat and they were choking her, and she couldn’t breathe as he held her. “Take it easy … breathe in slow … come on, that’s right …” Another recruit was watching them and Tony didn’t give a damn. All he could think about was Paxton, choking and hyperventilating in his arms. “Tell me what happened …”
“Ralph …” She could only say the one word for the first few minutes and he felt his guts grow taut.
“It’s okay … take it slow … keep breathing …” He lowered her gently to the ground and sat down beside her. “You’re okay … you’re okay, Pax …” He’d been through this before, knew it too well, had seen it too often … and then she told him.
“He hit a land mine coming back from the Delta two days ago. No one told me.” There was a blank look to her face and then suddenly she began to sob and she pummeled his chest in anguish and blind fury. “No … dammit … no! The fuckers got him! After all this time … they got him …” He felt sick listening to her, but to him, it was an old, old story.
“Does France know?”
“I don’t know yet. I didn’t call her.”
Shit. With a GI kid, and now a brand-new baby. And what the hell was she going to do in Saigon with two Amerasian brats? Starve? Her parents couldn’t help her anymore, they had nothing left, and no one else would help her either. This was just what she needed.
Tony pulled Paxton into his arms again and kissed her gently. “Look, I hate to do this, but I gotta go. I got a whole bunch of guys waiting to go on maneuvers. As soon as we come back in, I’ll come back to the hotel. I’ll take you out to see her then. And I want someone to drive you back now.” She nodded, like an obedient child, barely seeing him, and he ran back to find a private who had nothing to do and told him to drive her back to Saigon.
“Be careful!” she shouted after him as she left, and he waved and was gone with the others. And all the way back to Saigon, she sat stiffly with the boy who drove her. She said not
a word, didn’t ask his name, or answer any of his questions. She just sat there and stared out the window, thinking about Ralph, and France, and An, and Baby Paxxie.
And when she got back to the hotel, she went to her room, and just lay there. And when the phone rang, she didn’t answer it. When he got there at eight o’clock that night, Tony was hysterical, he thought maybe something had happened to her, because the kid he’d sent with her hadn’t come back yet. The tension was beginning to wear on everyone. They had all been there too long. And when Tony let himself into her room, he found her where she had been all afternoon, lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling.
“Baby, come on.” He lay on the bed next to her and talked to her gently. “Look … he knew the score. He knew what could happen. We all do. We take our chances. He was willing to do that.”
“He was the best reporter I ever knew … the best friend I ever had …” she said, sounding like a kid kicking rocks into the riverbed with the toe of her sneaker. And then she looked up at Tony. “Until you … but he was special.” He was the brother George never had been.
“I know he was. I liked him too. I’ve liked a lot of guys here. Some of them were lucky and went home okay, some weren’t. If he was afraid of this, he’d have gone home a long time ago.” She knew that was true, but it still didn’t solve all the problems. And God, how she would miss him.
“What about France? What’ll happen to her now?”
“That,” he said grimly, “is another story.” Her future was not going to be easy.
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