by Fiona Lowe
Matt stood in front her, his face full of warmth, friendship and pleasure for her, and the fact she’d achieved her long-held dream. Nothing about him showed that he was in any way sad about her leaving.
Why would you expect that? He still loves Lisa. No promises, no regrets, no past and no future, remember?
But given all that, he’d thought to organise this lunch so they could celebrate now rather than waiting until the end of the day. No one had ever done anything like that for her before and she swallowed around the lump in her throat.
‘Thank you.’ She threw her arms around his neck with such enthusiasm that he staggered backwards, falling onto the bed. She lay against him and kissed him the way she knew made his head spin and his body hard.
He rolled her over. ‘Had I known you were this easy to impress, I’d have done lunch a long time ago.’ He stroked her hair. ‘Marry me.’
Her gut went into freefall and she sat up fast, not able to believe what she thought she’d just heard. ‘I beg your pardon?’
He sat up too, gently cupping her cheeks with his hands. ‘Marry me.’
He knows about the job, he told you weeks ago you’d be great at it, and he still wants to marry you. Say yes.
But the question was so unexpected that she searched his face, his eyes, even the line of his mouth for clues. Although everything seemed familiar, nothing was the same. A tremor of panic scuttled through her, mirroring her feelings early that morning when she’d realised she loved him. ‘Are you sure you really want to marry me?’
‘I do. I love you. I was floundering but you’ve changed everything and brought me back into the world. With you there’s light.’ His sincerity wrapped around her. ‘I want to live with you until we’re old and grey, and running around after ten grandchildren.’
Grandchildren. The aching longing that had been part of her since their day at the gorge surged and she let her head fall onto his shoulder, feeling the security of his breadth and the protection of his arms. I love you. The marvel of his words wove through her, tempting her with a promise of an amazing future. ‘You see us with children?’
He kissed her hair. ‘Why sound so surprised? You’re great with kids and you’ll be a sensational mother.’
She let the dream float over her and dared herself to believe. This wonderful man loved her and wanted to be the father of her children. This time love and marriage will be different. Her heart expanded, bursting open the self-imposed lock she’d chained to it years ago. ‘We will be great parents.’
His lips touched hers with an almost reverent kiss, the touch imbued with a promise of things to come. ‘Children are amazing and they change your life. I can picture a house, a garden, a deck, a pool. Our home.’
She could see it too and her hand pressed against his chest, feeling the beat of his heart. ‘Somewhere by the river.’
His fingers played in her hair. ‘I think you mean the beach.’
‘No, I don’t want to live in Fremantle because it’s too far from the hospital. I suppose we could look at Cottlesloe if you think you’ll miss the sea too much, but you might be surprised—the river’s really pretty.’ Still talking, she hugged him hard, excitement finally hitting her, bubbling through her like the bubbles of champagne. She had it all. It really was possible to have a man who loved her, a top job and in the future a family of her own.
‘I wanted to tell you in person but somehow you found out and then you did this special and amazing thing for me and—’ She stopped babbling, realising he’d gone completely still and was staring at her intently.
‘What are you talking about?’
She joke-punched him on the arm. ‘Don’t be such a tease. You know exactly what I’m talking about.’
Confusion lay heavily on his cheeks and he shook his head slowly.
‘But the celebration lunch …’ And she realised the lunch wasn’t connected with her new job at all but with his proposal. He didn’t know her news. She grinned, loving how much pleasure it gave her to be the one to tell him as she’d originally planned. ‘You’re not only looking at your fiancée, you’re also looking at Perth City’s new Chief of Surgery.’
She opened her arms, expecting congratulations and an enormous embrace, but he just stared at her, his expression both stunned and surprised.
‘You got the job?’
His words came out quietly without any acknowledgment of her massive achievement. The young Poppy who’d always strived yet failed to impress her father stirred deep inside her, sending out an aching ripple. ‘William emailed me early this morning and followed up with a phone call. The board has been really impressed by the work I’ve done, especially with the way I had the full support of the staff.’
She reached out her hand, needing to touch him, needing to see some sign from him that he was happy for her. ‘I couldn’t have done it without your advice and support.’
Finally he smiled and hugged her tightly before kissing her gently on the cheek. ‘Congratulations, I’m so proud of you.’
She breathed again, not realising she’d stopped.
His warm and loving gaze turned serious. ‘But now we’re engaged, are you certain this is the job you want?’
Every muscle in her body clenched. ‘It’s been everything I’ve worked towards for the last ten years.’
‘Absolutely.’ He nodded, his expression sincere. ‘But things have just changed, haven’t they? It’s best if we live, work and raise our family here in Bundallagong.’
Steven’s voice rose up like a spectre from the past, taunting her with pain and bitter memories. Poppy, we ‘re living at my place. It’s really not up for discussion.
When Annie arrived, Lisa and I moved back here.
Her heart quivered and her voice sounded overly bright. ‘So we just relocate and do it all in Perth instead.’
He frowned. ‘We move to Perth and you take the job?’
‘Of course I take the job.’ She smiled. ‘Ten years, remember? All that hard work and now this is the reward. It’s incredibly prestigious.’
He sighed, a long, low, ominous sound. ‘In Bundallagong your surgical hours are almost workable, but how on earth are you going to balance family life with being Chief of Surgery?’
You’re never home and I only asked you to do one thing—to collect my dry-cleaning and you couldn’t even manage to do that.
It made you finish work a bit earlier.
Nobody has ever loved you without wanting to change you. First your father, then Steven and now Matt. A surge of anger obliterated her sob. She should have realised, she should have known this was all too good to be true. She should have recognised the massive signs from their conversation at Walker’s Gorge.
She crossed her arms to stop herself from shaking. ‘Worried you’re going to have to learn how to shop and cook, are you?’
His jaw tightened. ‘Believe me, cooking and shopping are the least of my concerns.’
Fool, fool, fool! He’s no different. ‘Oh, and let me guess what those concerns might be. You hate it that I won’t be home every night before you, that I’ll earn more than you, and that I’m not going to be barefoot and pregnant when you come home from a hard day at work.’
He threw up his hands. ‘Now you’re just being ridiculous.’
For heaven’s sake, Poppy, you’re my wife so act like one. Steven’s voice faded as Matt’s moved over it.
Lisa’s choices made my life a lot easier. She remembered so clearly Matt saying that out at the water hole.
Her world tilted sideways, tipping out the fantasy of marriage and a family that she’d foolishly allowed herself to believe in for a few deluded moments. She so wanted to trust that he loved her for who she was but, like her father and Steven, he could only love her if she changed for him. If she gave up everything for him. Her chest tightened so much she could barely breathe as the past choked her.
Matt didn’t really love her, he just thought he did. He only wanted a replacement for Lisa. His
love, just like that of the men before him, came with conditions that would destroy them both. She stood up, moving away from him, and forced herself to do what she should have done the moment he’d proposed.
‘I can’t marry you, Matt. I can’t make your life easier by being a stay-at-home wife. I can’t be Lisa’s replacement and live in the same house and help you live the life you had with her.’
Poppy’s words plunged into Matt’s heart like a knife, leaving him completely bewildered. ‘God, Poppy, this has nothing to do with Lisa.’ But he could tell by the look on her face she didn’t believe him.
He tried to explain it. ‘Lisa chose to stay at home and I supported her in doing that. I’m not asking you to give up working—of course you need to work. I want you to work. All I’m asking is that we live and work here so we can protect what we have.’
The starchy Poppy he hadn’t seen in weeks materialised, her voice sharp and brisk. ‘What we have is a short-term affair with an end date. We’ve been in this sensual bubble where it’s just been us and the sex, but that isn’t real life.’ Her hand touched her pendant. ‘Today real life intruded and already it’s tearing us apart and it’s only going to get worse.’
‘It doesn’t have to.’ He walked towards her, wanting to touch her, wanting to remind her that what they had was worth saving. ‘I’d consider moving to Perth if you took another job there. Look, if we compromise, we can make this work.’
Her eyes flashed. ‘Not when one of us wants something at the expense of the other.’
‘I’m not stopping you being a surgeon!’ Trying to rein in his frustration, he ploughed his hand through his hair, only to discover with a shock just how unsatisfying it was with short hair. ‘Give me some credit here, Poppy. I know how much time it takes to make a relationship work and if you become Chief of Surgery, you’ll disappear into that job and it will kill us.’
She shook her head, her lips compressed into a thin line. ‘Obviously I can’t be married to you and be the surgeon I want to be.’
His heart slammed against his ribcage and slithered down, a bleeding, battered mess. ‘You really believe that? You’re going to walk away from this amazing thing we share for a job?’
‘A job?’ Her eyes glittered with a collage of emotions that swirled together with no defined edges. ‘You really don’t get it at all.’
Anger born of desperate hurt spewed bile. ‘Oh, I get it. I get it loud and clear. My God, I thought you’d grown while you were here. I thought you’d worked out what was important in life, that it was people and relationships and love that counted, not pushing yourself to win at any cost. You’re putting this job ahead of everything else. You really don’t have a clue, do you?’
She tilted her chin up, her eyes flashing and her shoulders sharp, reminding him of the very first time he’d met her. ‘I have more of a clue than you do, Matt. This conversation is just the start of what will happen to us if we get married, and the arguments will only get worse until we’re tearing each other apart and wondering why the hell we once thought we loved each other. I’m doing this for us.’
‘That’s total garbage, Poppy. You’re doing it for yourself and I only hope being Chief of Surgery keeps you warm at night.’
She flinched. ‘I think we’re done now. Goodbye, Matt.’
The door slammed behind her, shattering his hopes and dreams and leaving him devastated and alone.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
‘MAIL for you, Ms Stanfield.’
Poppy glanced up from her spreadsheet to see the Perth City internal postwoman holding out a sheaf of mail. ‘Thanks, Leanne. By the way, how did that biology assignment go?’
Surprise raced across the young woman’s face before she smiled shyly. ‘Wow, I can’t believe you remembered that I was doing the course. I got an A.’
Poppy smiled as she picked up her outbound mail from the tray. ‘Of course I remembered. It sounds like you’re well on the way to getting the mark you need to get into nursing.’
‘Hope so.’ Leanne took the proffered mail. ‘See ya, Ms Stanfield.’
‘Bye, Leanne.’
As she walked out, William walked in, clutching a manila folder. ‘First-name terms with the clerks, Poppy?’ His brows rose. ‘What the hell happened to you in that godforsaken place?’
‘And hello to you too, William.’ She pasted a smile on her face for her acerbic boss. ‘Perhaps you should visit Bundallagong one day.’
He either missed or ignored the jibe. ‘Harrumph. Far too busy for that and so are you.’
He wasn’t wrong. She’d thought her first two weeks in Bundallagong had been long and arduous but they’d been almost relaxed in comparison to her start at Perth City. Not that she minded working hard, she didn’t, which given her current circumstances was a good thing. But unlike in the past, when work had excited her, now a lot of it seemed like a chore.
When she’d first arrived back in Perth she hadn’t cared how busy she was because work had filled her brain to capacity, leaving no space to think about Bundallagong, Matt and heartache. But just recently, when most nights she was only home for barely enough time to sleep, she’d started to think William’s expectations of his department heads might be excessive. For the first time in her life she was pining to sit on her couch and just ‘be’. Yesterday afternoon she’d even found herself wondering who she knew in Perth who might want to catch up for a drink and a chat, and much to her surprise she’d checked the notice-board for any posters about product parties. You’re lonely.
William dropped the file on her desk. ‘Applications for the surgical registrars and consultant operating rights. You also have to pick someone to go to Bundallagong next month. Interviews start at seven on Thursday evening. Happy reading.’
She stifled a groan. She’d been determined to have one night at home reading this week but job applications didn’t count. ‘I can’t do Thursday.’
He fired her one of his penetrating looks. ‘You are full of surprises today. I thought your life was the hospital but don’t tell me you actually have a private life?’
She bristled, even though he was pretty much correct. ‘I’ve organised a movie night fundraiser in the hospital auditorium for that night. I can interview earlier in the day.’
‘Oh, yes, I think I saw a poster about that—something to do with women in Samoa? Can’t you just do your speech at the start and then leave?’
Somehow she held onto her temper. ‘No, William, I can’t. I need to be there, sell raffle tickets, answer questions and thank people for their support.’
He nodded slowly, as if absorbing the news. ‘I’ll get my secretary to contact you with the new interview date but, Poppy, next time you act out of character, let me know.’
Quietly seething, she watched his retreating back and pictured daggers. Just because she wanted to have one night off, it didn’t mean she’d changed.
You never got involved in anything out of work before Bundallagong.
True, but just because she was raising money for a worthy cause, it didn’t mean she’d changed. Lisa’s Way is not just any worthy cause, though, is it? You’re doing it to feel close to Matt.
Blocking the perceptive voice in her head and throwing off her William-induced ill humour, she started flicking through her mail and her hand stalled on a small square box. She sliced open the tape with her letter knife and drew out a CD and a card written in Sarah’s bold script.
Hi! Wanted you to have the first copy of the choir’s CD, recorded at the concert! Sorry it’s taken this long to get it into the mail! Choir’s going great and Jen’s conducting. Justin and I in Perth 8th-9th for a childless weekend, but can’t have sex all the time;-) so can you do Sunday brunch?
Poppy laughed as she read the words, able to hear Sarah’s voice in her head, and a fizz of anticipation bubbled inside her at the thought of seeing her. They’d shared some laughs at choir, the pub and at their respective houses and it would be wonderful to kick back over a leisurely brunch an
d hear all the Bundallagong news.
Matt sold his house and is in Samoa doing work for Lisa’s Way. Still no replacement surgeon here and we miss your bossy but motivating ways.
A leaden feeling settled in her belly, overriding the excitement. She hadn’t done anything fun since she’d got back to Perth. With shocked surprise, she realised exactly how much she missed Sarah and Jen’s company.
You miss Matt.
You know you miss Matt. Every. Single. Day.
A fresh wave of pain washed through her. Call him.
The idea had her reaching for the phone but as her fingers started dialling she dropped the handset back into the cradle like it was on fire. Exactly what was she going to say? ‘I miss you.’ But then what? Nothing had altered; the impasse still stood. At least this time she’d found out before getting married that the man she loved wanted to change her.
So why are you so miserable?
Distracting herself, she shoved the choir’s CD into her computer and while it loaded she read the last bit of the note.
Hope Perth is worth it. Sarah xx
She pushed the note aside and then pulled it back, her gaze fixated on five words. Hope Perth is worth it.
Deep in the recesses of her mind a small voice asked a question. Are you sure this job is what you want? The question scared her witless and she stomped on it hard and fast. Of course it’s what I want. I can depend on it.
OK, if you think so. But the reply didn’t sound all that convincing.
