by Fiona Lowe
“Just being practical. People don’t do that enough. They don’t lead with their heads …”
“Because leading with their hearts is so much nicer, Rafe. It takes you to better places, places your head would never allow you.” Instinctively, she pushed herself out of the chair then crossed the porch and sat down next to him on the swing. “Your head kept you here, on the opposite side of the porch from me. But my heart put me here, next to you.”
“It’s not going to work, Edie.”
“Why?”
“Maybe that’s the question I should be asking you. Why are you fighting so hard for me?”
“Because you’re not fighting for yourself.”
“I don’t need to fight for me. I have a good life, successful career, nice condo …”
“With a porch swing?”
“No!” he snapped. “Just stop it, OK?”
She was getting to him. She knew it, could feel it. So could he, but the feeling was so foreign to him he didn’t know what it was. Or maybe loving someone opened you up to the fear of losing them … a fear she knew so well.
“Rafe, when I was a girl, I didn’t have a life like all my friends did. My mother was sick, and she truly couldn’t get along without me. I took care of her, spent practically all of my childhood taking care of her, and it’s what I wanted to do because I loved her. But I lived with this horrible fear … actually, two horrible fears. The first was her death. The doctors were amazed she lived as long as she did, but I think it was because she didn’t want to leave me. The second fear was that I would be taken away from my mother. The social workers tried so many times to do that. They thought I needed another life, needed another family … the way you think Molly needs another family. But all I needed was my mother, and everything she was, no matter how hard it got for us sometimes. Consequently I spent a lot of time scared to death they would come and take me away from the person I loved most in the world.
“All those years, that fear never went away. It was with me, day in and day out. And there were a couple of times when they did pull me out of the house and put me in a group home because it was in my own best interests. I know, Rafe, what it feels like to be wrenched out of your life and not be able to do a darned thing about it. But I always ran away, always ran back to my mother because she needed me. More than that, I needed her. Even in her sickest moments I needed her in ways no one could understand. I loved her, Rafe, the way Molly loves you. That’s all there was to it. In spite of all the complications and hardships … and there were many hardships … I loved her. It was a simple thing, and nothing else mattered.
“But that love always had this overwhelming dread attached to it because I knew her time was limited, and because I knew I could be taken away from her. So I do know what it’s like to have that fear surrounding something you love … the way you do. But I also know what it’s like to simply let the love happen, no matter what else is going on.”
“Then you have a bigger heart than I do,” he said, his voice filled with sadness.
“Not bigger. Just one that’s found out how to stay open.” She twisted to face him and laid her hand on his heart. “Molly could do that for you, if you let her.”
“Molly shouldn’t have to suffer for my trials and errors.” He laid his hand on hers. “Neither should you.”
“So you get to make the decision for all three of us? Molly and I don’t have a say?”
He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it. “You see things in me that aren’t there. I’m not sure why, but I thank you for it. It makes me feel like I could have what you offer … someday. But not now. It’s too risky … for you. I’m too risky.”
For Rafe, risky translated into not worth loving. She understood that, and it hurt her deeply. Here she was, in love with the man and ready to throw aside all her caution about not getting involved again or waiting until she had more life experience under her belt. All because she’d found the person worth changing for. And she was pretty sure now he loved her back, or else he wouldn’t have so much conflict in himself. But maybe the problem here was that she wasn’t enough. Maybe she’d been deluding herself into believing that all he had to do was believe and they’d have their happily-ever-after when she was the one who didn’t have everything Rafe needed to make it come true for himself.
She’d always believed that love was enough, but this time she could have been wrong. Maybe it was time to count her blessings about having Molly in her life, and move on from there. “Life is about taking chances,” Edie said, as the sad realization washed down over her. “Everything we do is about taking a chance. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. You’re not like your father, but you’re going to have to put yourself out there in ways that scare you to find out. I hope, someday, that happens for you.” With that, she stood and headed to her car, leaving little pieces of her heart behind her. The fight was over. They’d been going round and round for days now, and ending up in the same place they’d started. Now it was time to move past it, time to look forward.
But it was tough to do when so much of what she wanted was behind her.
“I’ve never pretended differently, Edie. You know that,” he called after her.
“Yes, I do know that,” she whispered, but not for him to hear as she fought not to cry. This was what she should have expected after all. Rafe wanted a parent for Molly, and he’d got one. No regrets there. Maybe she should chalk it up to another reason to stay out of relationships and get on with it. If nothing else, it sure proved that she didn’t know how to pick them. In fact, she was abysmally bad at it. It was so hard, though, because she’d pinned so many hopes on Rafe. And had trusted him to come round. Except she hadn’t been enough to make him come round, and that was something she couldn’t overcome. She wasn’t enough for Rafe, wasn’t who Rafe needed.
Well, the bright side was she had a wonderful daughter now, and that did make up for everything else.
As Edie climbed into her car, she fought the urge to look back at Rafe. What was the point? He was done here in Lilly Lake now, and he’d never come back. And she was only beginning here. That was all there was, all there could ever be.
Yet, she did glance back anyway and he was. slumped against the white support column at the top of the steps, leaning there, his head hanging down. He looked like a very sad man, a broken man, actually. But he’d made the choice that had caused that, and there was nothing she could do about it. Yet, in spite of everything, her heart ached for Rafe because he knew what he was losing. Because, like her, his heart was breaking, too.
“Want to go for a ride?” Rafe called through the bedroom door. He felt like hell, and he didn’t want to stay in this house. He needed to get away, spend some last quality time with Molly and make sure she understood what was happening. When he and Edie had told Molly that Edie was going to become her real mother, Molly had been excited. But she hadn’t understood why he wasn’t going to be part of that family. They’d explained that he had to return to his real home, and Molly seemed to accept it. But who knew? Maybe she was still trying to process it. Or, in her young mind, ignoring it and focusing only on what she wanted. Whatever the case, he needed to spend some time with her. “Molly, did you hear me? Do you want to go for a ride?”
She didn’t answer. He didn’t blame her. “We can saddle up Lucky, and you can ride by yourself for a little while.” That was something he really did want to do for her before he left here—give her the thrill of riding solo on her very own horse. Or in this case pony. “You can use that saddle Aunt Grace had made for you. Molly?” He knocked again then pressed his ear to the door to listen. But he heard nothing. Not a sound.
“Molly,” he said, twisting the knob and pushing the door open a crack. “Are you in there?” A chill of dread was creeping slowly up his spine. “Molly?” he said again, shoving the door all the way back, only to discover what he was afraid he’d discover. She was gone!
“Molly!” he shouted in a voice that re
sonated throughout the entire house. “Molly, where are you?”
She’d been there half an hour ago. He’d seen her go to her room, seen her start to line up all her dolls for a tea party. “Molly!” he shouted, over and over, as he ran up and down the second-floor hall, opening all the doors and looking in. To no avail. His downstairs search was just as fruitless. So he went to the stable, saw Johnny hand-feeding a new quarter horse arrival that was so emaciated it turned his stomach. Molly had to have known about this horse and she was down here somewhere, helping. That was it. She loved the horses as much as Aunt Grace had, and she was helping with this one.
“I need to talk to Molly,” he told Johnny, as he caught a calming breath. “Is she in one of the stalls?”
“Haven’t seen her all morning, Rafe. I was surprised that she didn’t come down to help me with this beauty.” He stroked the horse’s muzzle. “But with her big day coming up, I figured she was busy doing something else.”
The words sank in, but slowly. “So what you’re telling me is that she isn’t here?”
Johnny shook his head. “Haven’t seen her since you brought her down last night to say goodnight to Lucky and Ice Cream. Why? Is she missing?”
Panic started rising in him again. “Don’t know yet. I thought she was in the house, but she’s not. I’d assumed she’d be here.”
“Maybe she is, and I haven’t seen her,” Johnny said. “I’ve been pretty busy with this one, trying to get her back on her feed. Have you looked around the paddock? Or maybe out in the other stable? I’ve got a couple of volunteers out there right now, working with some of our problem horses, so maybe Molly’s gone out there to help feed or brush them.”
“Without permission?”
Johnny shrugged. “Kids are kids. When mine were little, there was always this test of wills going on. Most of the time they did what they were supposed to, but sometimes they did what they wanted to do, no matter what. Molly’s a good kid, and smart. When you catch up to her, don’t be too hard on her.”
“Like my old man would have been?” Rafe snapped, on his way out the rear door. “You were here in those days, so is that what you’re telling me? Not to be like my old man was?”
“What I’m telling you is not to be like any child’s old man who’s in a panic over not being able to find his kid,” Johnny shot back. “Parents have a way of overreacting when they’re scared for their child. I know I did that on more than one occasion. But that’s not about your father. It’s about you. Be who you are.”
Rafe heard the words, heard Johnny call him Molly’s parent, and thought about them as he ran to the second stable, only to discover that no one there had seen Molly that day. “Where’s her pony?” he asked one of the volunteers who came there as part of the Gracie Foundation.
“In the paddock,” a fresh-faced, college-aged volunteer by the name of Ben responded. “We took her out there earlier, along with Ice Cream and a couple of the others. Thought we’d take them over to the pasture later.”
But he’d gone by the paddock and hadn’t noticed Lucky. Or maybe he hadn’t looked thoroughly enough. So on his way back over to the main stable he took another look and Lucky was definitely not there. And Molly’s saddle was not hanging in the tack room when he went to find it. “Johnny!” Rafe shouted, on his way back through the building. “Tell me you did something with Molly’s saddle, that you hung it somewhere else. And that Lucky is already down at the pasture to graze.”
Johnny’s weather-beaten face drained of all color. “I can’t, which means I think we have a problem here, Rafe,” he said.
Rafe swallowed hard. “Can you saddle Donder for me while I go and make a couple of phone calls?”
“Consider it done,” Johnny said. “And I’ll be riding out with you too, Rafe. I feel terrible about this. I knew she wanted to go solo. She’s been begging for days. I should have …”
Rafe squeezed the man’s shoulder. “Not your fault. Nothing here’s been normal for Molly for a while, and I’m hoping she just needed to get away, go someplace to think.” Adult reasoning, he knew. But the alternative was that she’d run away, and he didn’t even want to think about that. “Give me ten minutes, then I’ll be back to ride.”
His first call was to Edie. “You haven’t seen Molly along the road somewhere, have you?” Stupid question. If Edie had seen her, she’d have stopped.
“Is she missing?” Edie choked.
“Looks like she might have gone for a ride on her pony. We’re getting ready to go out looking right now.”
“I’m not home yet. I’ll turn round and be back in a few minutes.”
That’s what he’d counted on, what he needed. “I’m going to give Rick a call, in case Molly turns up at the hospital.” He did that. “She’s missing, Rick,” he explained. “Took her pony and left here. I was hoping she might show up there as the hospital is one of the places where she feels safe.”
“I’ll alert the staff to be on the lookout. And, Rafe, you shouldn’t be going through this alone. I’ll be there in a couple minutes to ride out with you.”
“I’d appreciate that, Rick,” he said, as a knot formed in his throat. “I’d really appreciate that.” After all these years Rick had found it in himself to become a friend. It touched Rafe in ways he’d never expected.
“I’ve looked everywhere, and she’s not in the house,” Edie called out to the group assembling near the stable door. Johnny was ready to ride, along with his small group of volunteers. And Rafe and Rick were ready to go, both of them looking downright handsome in the saddle, she noticed. In fact, the two of them, together, were breathtaking. She was glad, at least for now, that they were able to work together. “Is Ice Cream saddled for me?”
“You don’t have to ride out with us,” Rafe called back.
“She’s my daughter, Rafe. What else am I supposed to be doing?”
“I’ll stay here, in case she comes back,” Summer volunteered. “She trusts me, so we should be fine. I’ll make some phone calls, and I’ll call you if I hear anything from anybody.” Summer approached Edie and pulled her into a hug. “I know we’ve never really spent any time together, but I’m glad you’re going to be adopting Molly. Grace thought the world of you, and she’d be happy. And Molly’s going to be fine out there. She’s a smart, tough little girl. She’ll know how to take care of herself.”
“I haven’t even signed the papers yet, and I’m feeling so … so …”
“So like a mother?” Summer laughed. “Welcome to a mother’s world, Edie. It’s a great place to live, and it can be more scary than anything you could ever imagine.”
Edie climbed up on Ice Cream, patted the horse on the neck then looked down. “And to think that only a few days ago this was one of my biggest fears in the world.”
“Grace taught her well, Edie. Trust that.”
Summer stepped back then waved her off, while Edie turned Ice Cream in the direction of Rafe and Rick and looked up the hill at the house. Her house, to share with her daughter now. Life had changed so much, so quickly, her head was spinning. But her heart was breaking too, in more pieces than she’d ever known it could, and for the first time in her life she truly understood what her mother had felt all those times the authorities had threatened to remove her from the house, to give her to other people. There was no way to describe the anguish, no way to bear the shattered heart. To love a child … that was all there was, and she felt her mother there with her, guiding her through this ordeal. Felt her mother’s strength and courage. That was what sent her to Rafe and Rick and allowed her to ride as hard as they did through the meadow and the hilly incline to the place where Rafe hoped Molly had gone.
“I told her that Aunt Grace was out there,” he said, as they paused once to look for any visible signs that Molly had come in this direction. “That somewhere in the distance she could find all her possibilities.”
Edie reached over and took hold of his hand. “That was a beautiful thing to say to her.
”
“But she’s not old enough to come up here. It’s too dangerous.” He gazed up the side of the bluff. “Not steep, but if she doesn’t know the way …”
“Nothing over here,” Rick called from the far side of a copse of sugar maples. “No sign of a horse or Molly.”
“I think I’m going all the way up, and you and Rick can continue around the base and see if you can find anything over there.” He started to turn away, but Edie pulled Ice Cream in front of him.
“Rick’s fine on his own. I’m going up with you.”
Rafe shook his head. “It’s too dangerous.”
“Yet you took Molly up there?”
“With me. I took her up with me. On the back of my horse.”
“But that’s the best vantage point up there, isn’t it?” “Best one of the valley, and you can see at least half of the entire estate from there.”
“Then I’m going. And you’re not stopping me, Rafe.”
He reared up in his seat and flagged Rick off in the other direction, then settled back down. “No, I guess I’m not stopping you, am I?”
“Look, this isn’t your fault. I know you’re blaming yourself, but—”
“You don’t know half of what I’m thinking,” he growled, nudging Donder around to head in the direction of the trail leading up, “so just follow me. OK? Keep a couple of lengths back, and you’ll be fine.”
“But will you?” she asked.
He twisted back in his saddle to look at her. “Do you ever give up?”
“Do you ever give in?”
Rather than answering, Rafe straightened in his seat and urged Donder forward. She knew Rafe was worried. More like scared to death. Blaming himself, too. She knew, because she was going through the same gamut of raw emotions. But at the end of this ordeal she’d have Molly, and Rafe would have. “I guess I don’t ever give up,” she said, pulling Ice Cream in behind Donder. Because she loved Rafe. When it was all said and done, she loved that stubborn man like crazy, and she wasn’t going to give up on him. Not any time soon.
