by A R Dent
~~~~~~
Null and Saturday nights – well not every Saturday night.
The Fun Fun Fun Theatre Restaurant
‘Good evening everybody. My name is Gina Bettadick. Oh, what a lovely audience we have tonight. Are there any lesbians here tonight? Yes. Are there any gays here tonight? Yes. Are there any bi-sexuals here tonight? Yes. AND... are there any transvestites here tonight? Yes, of course I am here and along with a star studded cast here to entertain you I also ask... Are there any ladies and gentlemen here tonight? There are, how fortunate, then we have almost the whole of Federal Parliament here. GOOD EVENING EVERYBODY. Tonight will be my last night as Emcee of the Fun Fun Fun Theatre Restaurant Company. I am the only performer since its inception to continue until tonight. A role I have been proud of and now after the hectic last twelve months I have to forego my role here and focus more on the issues of the country. I’ll continue to put in effort behind the scenes as a Director of the company and I might frock up occasionally just to keep in touch with my fans. Tonight we have an enormous show for you. And I do ask for some respect for our esteemed local Press who are here to write an article about myself. It’s embarrassing for them. One minute they are here as patrons and then every overseas newspaper is wanting articles written about me. That other character, Gary Benedict Smith has it tough. He even has to trim his moustache to look like a Hollywood movie star. I do apologise for the newspapers in advance and hey - we won the elections and found out the Communist Party were correct - the employed people who headed each government department did it better than the elected - and the Oligarch Party were correct because we do need people with money to employ workers - all this means I can devote some of my time here with all the girls. Tonight I hand over to my successor, the most divine, the most lovely, the most incredible performer of all Dion Warwick’s songs, the one and only - Philomena Honeysuckle.’
‘Good evening Gina,’
‘Pronounced Jeanna’
‘Good evening Gina’
‘Good evening Philomena. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to Philomena. Philomena, how long have you been part of the performers here?’
‘Thanks Gina. I’ve been here for around five years. Seven years it is on and off but I became one of the regulars five years ago. I think it’s time Gina. Time for you to go to your meeting tonight. Before you go and get dressed for your Gary Smith interview - Gina, how do you do it? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so organised and structured. How do you give your time to so many things in this town and fit in everything for the country?’
‘Thanks Philomena. It’s about passion. I have many memories of what my mother said before the accident. And one of those things was - mum always said, “give a person a reason to do something and they will find time to do it,” and that sums up my life now, it’s about passion. Ladies and gentlemen, I hand over to you, tonight’s happenings and further nights, Philomena Honeysuckle. You all probably know her best as Steve the lawn mower man - lucky bugger winning the Lotto and setting himself up, trimming all those pretty driveways with pansies alongside - and she employs so many locals - ladies and gentlemen, once again I say - it is Over and Out for me and Philomena is now in charge. Good night, I’m off to work somewhere else tonight.’
Gina Bettadick hurried from the stage and went into the dressing room shared by the whole company of performers. Following Gina was a local trainee reporter asking questions about her frock.
‘Mum wants to know what you do with your old dresses? Mum said she’s the same size and wants to buy them. Mum can’t afford to get clothes handmade. Mum always waits for specials at the local Op Shop and buys the cheapest and they look ghastly on her. Especially when she went to a funeral dressed like a Can Can dancer.’
‘Is that where that outfit ended up? I always give my outfits to the Op Shop when they are getting on a bit in age.’
‘I’ll tell mum that. She goes there every day looking for a decent dress to wear. I think it is because mum is so tall. Not many women around who are as big as mum.’
‘Ok. Interview starts now. What is it the people want to know?’
‘Thanks Gary. Gary, the underground newspaper in London catering for the LGBT society sent me a list of questions. Do you want me to ask them one at a time?’
‘Give me the list Michelle and I’ll ring you when I’ve finished. About a week I think. Are you happy with that?’
‘Yes, thanks Gary. Oh, and mum wants Arthur to stop pestering her to go to church. Can you do something? You being a friend of Arthur and all.’
‘Is he still running around doing that. No Michelle I can’t stop him. We live by freedom of religion and free speech and it must come from your mum to tell him. Religion is a personal thing. I wish there was some way of stopping people forcing religion on people.’
‘Thanks Gary. The reporter is waiting for the interview. I’ll send him in as I go. Thanks a million for giving me five minutes.’
‘That’s fine Michelle. I hope you make it in your Journalism course. Always here for you on any of your assignments if I can help.’
For an hour, Gary Smith answered question after question with three different journalists. After the interviews, Gary changed back into Gina’s frock and went to one of the tables. As Gina, he joined the patrons to sit back and enjoy the show for the first time in his life as a patron.... frocked up of course.
