by J. M. Miller
“Syn, give me the knife,” Damian whispered into my ear. He had one arm over my shoulders and the other hand covering mine on the knife.
I looked at Damian, blinking away the tears to see his hazel eyes more clearly. His face was red and swollen with cuts and smudges of blood, almost exactly like the day we’d first met.
“It’s okay, Syn. You don’t have to do this.” He coaxed my hands open, taking the knife and setting it on the floor. Then he moved his hands around my body and pulled me off Seth and into his arms.
“I’m sorry, I …”
“No, no, no. Don’t be sorry.”
With my head pressed against his chest, I listened to his heartbeat for a few silent moments, trying to calm down.
“It wasn’t your mom who used the knife, was it?” His voice was soft and soothing as he asked the question no one else ever had.
“No.” There was no reason to explain. He knew the whole truth.
His body folded around me, holding me, protecting me.
“Tanner,” I breathed, as the whole night whirled inside my head, mixing around as the memories slowly started to retreat into my mind like they always did, though never far enough away.
“I’m so sorry.” He buried his face into the side of my neck, tightening his arms around me.
I pictured Tanner’s eyes as he’d faded away, the ring of gorgeous green almost disappearing as he left the world behind. He came for me.
“The cops are here,” Damian murmured.
I opened my eyes toward the stairs, watching the red and blue lights dancing on the walls. This was one time I didn’t panic at the sight of them. All I felt now was relief.
Before I had a chance to take a truly relieved breath, I was being tossed sideways onto the floor.
“Stay down,” Damian said, standing in front of me.
I looked around his legs, watching Seth pull my knife from his back pocket as he stood up.
“You see those lights? It’s over, Seth,” Damian said, his arms pushed out to the side.
Seth laughed lightly. It held no humor or anger, only pain. “It’s been over, for a long time.” He charged Damian, knife slicing the air.
Damian ran forward, blocking the knife and tackling Seth to the floor. Worry pushed me to my feet, the anxiety rushing through my body all over again. All I could do was watch as they wrestled once again. Damian’s hands pinned the knife above Seth’s head. I moved closer when their bodies stopped thrashing. I couldn’t just wait. I knew Damian wanted me safe, but I couldn’t just watch this happen. I wouldn’t watch him die too.
As I took another step, one of Damian’s hands released his grip on Seth, darting out to grab the kitchen knife. He twisted it inward, pushing it into Seth’s ribs.
Seth let out a pained groan. His eyes widened, and he glanced down at his body in disbelief. When realization set in, he jerked and flailed, grabbing for the knife, for Damian. The burst of energy disappeared just as fast as it began, slowing his movements. He reached for Damian’s shirt one last time before his arms dropped to the floor. His eyes clamped shut, and he gasped for air, wheezing a few more times before falling silent.
Damian swayed as he stood, pulling the knife with him.
Loud bangs echoed into the house and voices shouted, “Drop the weapon!”
A blur of cops poured into the living room, guns drawn, all pointed at Damian.
He released the knife and collapsed to his knees, the whole time staring down at Seth’s body.
I ran to him, dropping to my knees and folding my arms around him.
It was over. It was all over.
Four Months Later
Music flowed into my ears, a slow tempo with a standard four-count kick drum bar, growing louder as sleep faded away.
I stretched my arms and legs wide beneath the blankets, already knowing the space beside me was vacant. Damian was awake and messing around in the sound room down the hall. Judging by how cold his side of the bed was, he’d been at it a while. Keeping my eyes mostly closed, I stumbled to the bathroom to take care of business. When I finished, I dove back into bed and cocooned myself inside the warm blankets, leaving only a small sliver facing the bay open for my eyes to peek through. The view from the master bedroom was too beautiful to pass up, no matter how early it was.
Outside the glass doors, snow covered the balcony. The gentle sunrise cast along the powdery surface, catching individual flakes and making them sparkle like glitter. Beyond the busy sparkles, the frozen bay lay quiet. It was so gorgeous late in winter: pine trees’ branches dipped in white, crystallized ice on the water. Waking up to this dream made me start every day with a smile. It all still seemed unreal, even though I’d been living with Damian for four months. Ever since that night, he refused to let me leave.
The holidays were over and despite the happiness being back together brought, they’d been tough. We’d been through so much, we’d lost so much, and the guilt weighed even heavier during the merry season of reflection and thanks. Our parents had been up to check on us after what had happened, and they all came back again to visit for the holidays. It was bittersweet, celebrating family when his was now broken by tragedy.
His parents were very considerate, possibly because of the circumstances, or perhaps because we were all older now. Either way, I understood. Damian’s mom also apologized for how she’d acted years before. I accepted without hesitation. With everything else that had happened, any feelings from the past seemed superficial.
Damian’s anger toward his brother only grew after that night. Seth was gone, and hating someone who was no longer alive wasn’t exactly easy. The pain snowballed until we decided to see a therapist to help cope with what had happened. We both needed it. For me, it was to deal with the dreams. They were occurring more often again, mostly centered on Tanner’s death. I’d see his eyes fade away most of the nights I closed my own.
I shifted my focus toward the nightstand and found something else sparkling in the early morning sunlight: a crystal cat. I’d bought it to honor our friendship.
His death made my heart ache in a way I’d never known was possible. I felt responsible, and I was sure I’d never forgive myself, but there was a small part of me that was happy I’d see those gorgeous greens in my dreams. It meant I was the who’d been there in the end, that I was the last person he had seen, a friend.
In light of everything that had happened, I finally told my mom the truth—that I remembered killing John. All these years she’d thought I’d forgotten, that my mind had suppressed the memory. I knew it was the reason she’d never pushed me into more therapy. She had told the cops she had killed him to protect me, so I’d kept it hidden, never admitting the truth, not to anyone.
Except Damian.
The bed shifted and the blankets followed. A hand dug into their layers, opening a hole in my cocoon. Fingertips found my unclothed body soon after, trailing up my leg to my hip. I smiled and buried my face into the pillow as Damian tunneled into the blankets and settled his body behind mine. The scruff on his jaw skimmed the back of my bare shoulder, sending a shiver through me.
“Morning.” Warm breath drifted over the same area his stubble had tickled. The fingers on my hip slid over my waist and flattened over my stomach, lighting me up with a few simple touches. His lips brushed my shoulder as soft as a feather.
“Morning.”
He traced circles around my bellybutton with a fingertip and inched his body closer, pressing against my backside. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Better than okay.” I covered his hand with mine, lacing our fingers together over my stomach. “What were you working on?”
“Something for you.” His lips pressed little kisses to my shoulder and neck.
“Aww. Are you making me a mix?”
He laughed, breathy and light on my skin. “They’re always for you.” More kisses trailed over my neck. “Stay home today.”
Home. Oh how I loved the sound of that.
“I can’t, I told P
am I’d work today. Plus, the snow dumped last night, and it’s my turn to shovel over at the lighthouse.”
Not long after that night, I went to visit Pam at Rewind to price new equipment so I could eventually replace what Seth had stolen. We chatted and she offered me a part-time job. It was decent money and it landed me some local party gigs. Damian objected at first, still worried about physical injuries even though we’d both been cleared of any problems. I reminded him that I still didn’t like favors or paybacks and if I were to stay with him, I needed to pay my way, so he finally relented.
We also visited the lighthouse together. Considering what had happened with Seth, the therapist said going back might be good for my healing process. No matter what Seth had done, though, it had always been mine and Damian’s place. Seth couldn’t tarnish that. That first time we climbed the slate steps together again, we decided to volunteer there. They gave Damian a key, no questions asked. Now we could break in anytime we wanted.
Damian slid our laced hands up my body, slow and deliberate. “I’ll drive you and help shovel the walkway.”
“That’s so generous of you,” I teased and unthreaded our fingers. “And to what do I owe this chivalry?”
“Only your time.” His hand slid over my breast, tenderly caressing my skin.
I reached my hand up behind me, dipping my fingers into his hair and palming the back of his head. “I think I can spare some time.”
After sliding the blankets down to our waists, he rolled me onto my back and paused for a few long moments to gaze at my body. His fingertips moved up my neck to my lips where he delicately traced their shape. “Only some? I was hoping you could spare a lot more.” They weren’t playful words just for today, they were a plea for so many more.
I bit the edge of my lip with a tiny smile. He wanted me. He always had. I would never understand how he still could after I’d obliterated us several years ago, but here we were, and he wanted more.
“I’ll give you as much time as you want. I hope you know that.”
He shifted on top of me and I spread my legs so he could settle in between. With a soft smile, he leaned in and kissed me, his lips melting me with determination, with emotion. The kiss contained so much about him that I loved: his focus, his respect, his tenderness.
He broke away and moved to my neck while one of his hands traveled down, skimming along the side of my body. The sensation was as sweet as the first time we’d made love after that night, after five years apart. I knew I’d never tire of his touch. It had reawakened me to the life I’d thought I’d never have. He made me feel like something more than myself. Someone better than I could ever be without him.
I smoothed my hands around his waist, tracing the grooves of his muscles and the edge of his boxers. His mouth moved farther down, kissing and licking my breast. He swirled a tongue around my nipple and I dug my fingertips into his back with a pleasured sigh. His hand finished its downward travel and his fingers found my entrance. Keeping a steady rhythm, they circled and teased until I was panting, aching for more.
“I need you,” I whispered, closing my eyes to the ceiling and reaching my hands down for him.
He backed away for a moment to kick off his boxers then returned his warmth to me. Leaning over, he stared into my eyes. “How much do you need me?”
I felt him at my entrance, rubbing against me slowly. “I need you more than anything.”
He rolled his hips, pushing into me, and I cried out my bliss, closing my eyes once again. “Syn … Syn, look at me.” The words were calm as he continued to move inside.
I did as he asked, watching him work my body with his musical rhythm.
“I want you forever. Will you give me your forever?”
The moment rocked me, the pleasure, the honesty. “Yes,” I whispered.
Damian’s smiled stretched high and I returned the smile, licking my lips and smacking his back playfully. The excitement spurred him on. He slipped his hands under my back and pulled my body toward him as he leaned back onto his heels. His hands clenched my hips, pushing and pulling me on his lap, controlling the momentum. He took advantage of his lower position, kissing my neck while he continued to move his hips with mine.
The position and the pace threw me over the edge. “Damian,” I cried.
“I’m with you. Always with you,” he replied, moving faster, harder until both of us surrendered ourselves.
He laid me down after and fell onto his back beside me, sated and content. I yanked up the blankets and draped my arm and leg over him underneath.
“I love you so much.” I splayed my fingers out on his chest, lazily drawing circles.
“I’ve loved you for so long.” His chin tipped down so he could see me. “I’m not sure what I would have done without you. I think I need to thank you again for saving my face on the train tracks that day.” His laugh was a whisper. “If you hadn’t been there, not only would we have not been together, but I would have never had the drive to find myself. You were that for me. You gave me hope even when I thought things were impossible.” His hand rested on my arm, rubbing absently.
I took in his words, knowing I felt the exact same way. “You saved me that day, too. If that kid in the red and white striped shirt hadn’t been getting his ass beat, I never would have fallen in love, which also means that I never would have found a true passion for music. So, I guess I should thank you for getting your ass beat that day.”
He laughed again, this time hard enough to shake us and the bed. I joined him, honestly happy. “It was meant to be.”
“Yes it was,” I agreed, feeling the truth of it fully for the very first time.
If my life had been different at six years old, if I hadn’t picked up that knife, I would have never saved Damian on the tracks. It was the decision that everything was based on, the first time my life had really been severed. I’d always wondered who I would have become if things had been different. It ate me up inside, dwelling on the idea of a future I would never have.
Damian changed all of that. He made me consider my own future when I was haunted by the past. He gave me hope when all I had was emptiness. He loved the person I was, the person I was meant to be.
He was the one who had made me whole again.
He had saved me too.
Will — Seriously, how are you still with me?
Tonya and Cari — I’d be lost without you. Keep the asskickings coming.
Kim — Thanks for being such an honest and awesome crit partner. Your input has helped me grow as a writer and for that, I’m forever grateful. - P.S. I jump up and down whenever I read “Holy shit kittens!”
Staci — Thanks for helping me bust through my POS, #Pusher. Without you, I’m sure I’d still be rocking in the corner. I seriously can’t thank you enough—for the gorgeous cover, for all of your feedback—so I’ll just make you more memes.
Amy and Alicia — Your suggestions and catches are always on point. Thanks for all of your help!
Caitlin — I’m so glad I didn’t count those repetitious errors. Whew! Thanks for straightening everything up.
Ena — You’re a saint! One of these days I’ll get the chance to tackle hug you. Thanks a bunch.
AS101 authors — I’m blown away daily, not only by everyone’s talent, but also your hearts and generosity. Much love and success to all of you!
And thank you for reading!
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J.M. Miller currently consumes her coffee in Florida.
When she isn't distracted by social media sites, she writes Young Adult and New Adult romance novels that vary in genre from contemporary to paranormal, with a little mystery or suspense thrown in for fun. Aside from spending time with her family, she loves to travel and will jump at the chance to go anywhere, whenever life allows.
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Other books by J.M. Miller
Caly’s Piece
The Line That Binds
The Line That Breaks
