by Lila Felix
The stained glass window was open behind me. Through it, I could hear her wrestling around in her sleep.
I regretted showing her my gifts.
If I was any kind of decent person—any kind of decent man, I would’ve kept my mouth shut. I would’ve let her be separated from me. She would’ve been safer that way. If I could take it all back, I thought maybe I would.
As I watched her, I took inventory of her marked changed appearance in just the past couple of days. Her skin was pale and the crescents that hung below her eyes shone like glittery blue moons as the beginnings of the sunrise settled on them. Colby was usually pale, but this was the pale of someone on the edge of sickly.
She hadn’t been sleeping. I’d woken at all times of the night, the voices becoming too overbearing to sleep through, even with her touch and when I did, she was always awake. On the rare occasion that she was asleep, she remained in a sitting position.
She was stuck here, taking care of me.
Already I was robbing her of her life.
Aside from Colby’s deteriorating outer shell, she’d lost her fire.
That’s what scared me the most. Her voice had evolved into something timid. She no longer argued with me at every turn. She was the first to give in.
Something about this short but trying journey had stripped her of her vitality.
Pema had informed me with a solemn tone that the only way to seal the door between Heaven and the Earth was from the inside—and I was the key. Apparently, it was an easy process. All I had to do was travel to Heaven and wish for the door to be closed—more mind over matter bullcrap.
Our souls would still be able to transcend to Paraíso, but the Synod would not be able to access it through anyone, anymore, even if there was another Eidolon. My action would be finite.
So would every future I’d dreamed of for Colby and me.
It all seemed like an easy choice from another perspective. I could see it. Anyone could. What’s his problem? All he has to do is give up his life, close the portal and be a hero etched in time and the histories for generations to come. He’d give up one life to save thousands.
The Synod would be glorified hall monitors without their bigger plans of world domination.
But in my own eyes, I was saving thousands and giving up the only other life that was more precious to me than my own.
I found myself asking the Almighty why so many times. Finally, I’d gotten Colby back and I was being forced to give her up. That’s what I had to do. I had to give her up.
It was like she was already gone.
My chest already felt the void.
The rest of the morning was spent soaking her up. The way she slept with her hands pressed together in prayer on the side of her face.
She owned me. From the time she said she hated checkers, her heart wrapped a chain around mine that would never be broken. I would be happily chained to her regardless of the constraints of time or place. I would love her in Heaven or in Hell and everywhere between and beyond.
She stirred as my mind finally deferred to the only decision that carried any honor. Her lithe arms breezed over the space next to her, seeking me. It would be a while after I disappeared before she slept well, I knew that about her. She’d wrack her brain, trying to find a way to get me out.
But finally she would relent to a life without me and then move on.
“You’re up,” she said with her raspy morning voice.
“I am. You slept.”
She confirmed with a nod, tousling her hair. It was matted to her face. A piece had plastered itself to the side of her face. She swung her legs over the bed and I panicked. Her getting out of the bed meant the real beginning of the day—the beginning of our last day.
“No, not yet,” I halted her with my hand extended. “Just stay here for a while.”
She smiled and scooted back against the headboard, “You’re too far away.”
I could do this. I could go back if just for this blip in time and be the person I used to be. I could be the Theo that made her moan my name and create hues of love in her wake. That’s what she would be from now on. She would live in the wake of what I was until she died—until she joined me in the beyond. She’d always been my lightning, the light in my storm and now she’d be the lightning in my wake.
“I found you those, outside the house. I hope Pema doesn’t mind too much,” I gestured toward a vase on her bedside table filled with every color rose I could find. She looked over at them and smiled, a still sleepy smile that would rival the sun.
“They’re beautiful, thank you.”
I found my way to the bed and slunk in beside her. She wasted no time in laying her head on my chest. We stay like that for a while. I closed my eyes and branded my memory with the feel of her like this.
“Can I ask you something,” I prompted the conversation I wanted to have.
“Duh,” she answered and it made me happy to hear her nearer to her former self.
“If all this hadn’t happened, would we still be apart?”
She froze next to me, “I’d love to say yes. I really would. I—I never stopped loving you, Theo. I thought if I got to close, when you eventually realized how much of a foul up I was, that I would be the one left hurting. And then after you left I’d be left without you.”
“You think I’d leave you?”
“I don’t think there would be a choice. Listen Theo, there are some things I need to say.”
She sat up, but pressed her hand to my chest when I attempted to mimic her action. Her chest rose and fell several times—whatever she was about to tell me would be profound. It wasn’t often that Colby prepped herself for anything.
In fact, she often goaded me for thinking too long before I spoke.
“Theo, do you remember when you kissed me under the boardwalk?”
I nodded. She looked so serious, and it was all I could do to abstain from grabbing her back down to me and kissing her senseless.
“That day, I told my mom everything. She said, ‘Don’t pass those lips around to everyone, Colby.’ She was joking mostly. I answered her, ‘Mom, it’s Theo. I’m never gonna kiss anyone else anyway. I might as well get started.”
She floored me in the best way possible. Her words were spoken so fast, like she was trying to get them out in a hurry before she lost her nerve.
“I didn’t know that. Tell me something else.”
I shouldn’t have demanded it from her, but I needed it—craved whatever she had to give me.
It would have to last a long time.
The apples of her cheeks emblazoned and she picked at the corner of the pillow nearest her, “Last year, I made a delivery to a place in Milan. I ended up staying about a week because Ari loves to shop there. We walked into this little obscure dress shop. There was a table right smack in the middle of the place, and dresses were hung on every wall. Five older ladies sat around the table, laughing and talking in Italian. You know what they were doing?”
“What,” I sat up and pulled her closer. I felt like she was on the cusp of telling me something really intimate. Our legs intertwined, but it felt like every cell in my body meshed with hers.
“They were all hand sewing wedding dresses. It took them eight months to get one done. Eight months. They were finishing up the one they were working on then. We were just gawking at them, like idiots, when they looked up and before I knew it I was in the back, stripped down, with five measuring tapes practically molesting me.”
She danced around it. Anyone could figure out what she was talking about, but it wasn’t enough. I had to take advantage of her and I knew just how to do it.
“There’s no one else here, Querida. It’s just me. Say what you need to say. Eu te amo.” I calmed her with a soothing tone and a matching touch.
“I had my wedding dress commissioned that day.”
My heart flat lined at her confession. “Why would you do that?”
That remark sparked something in h
er, “Because I knew. I didn’t know when and I didn’t know how, but there was just so long I could stay away from you, Theo. I’ve never been able to escape you completely.”
A swift knock at the door interrupted the cloud she had me in.
“Come in,” she called out, but never broke our gaze.
Ari floated into the doorway and struck a Shakespearian damsel in distress pose.
“Collin says he knows something. He’s all weird and broody. He’s really hot when he gets like that. Anyway, he’s been pacing the floors for a couple of hours. It woke me up at the ass crack of dawn. And also, Pema has called your phone about as many times as Collin has thrown his hands in the air—which is like every five seconds. I didn’t even know Robes knew how to use a phone. So, speed along the make-out fest before I nut-punch the hot Viking—please.”
Ari had never been one to handle things smoothly.
“We’ll be there in a second.”
Ari shut the door with a knowing grin. Before I lost my chance, I grabbed Colby to me and squeezed her as hard as I could without breaking her. I inhaled the cinnamon lavender scent of her hair. She gasped when I walked my fingers up the back of her leg to the place I knew she liked best and kneaded the muscles there. Her hands grabbed mine and guided them to her face. Her eyes told me there was something lingering that she needed to tell me.
“Theo, I love you. I don’t want anything else to happen to us without you knowing that. No holding me down, no forcing it out of me. I love you.”
I leaned forward to kiss her temple, the part of her where I acknowledged my utmost honor and respect for her and everything that she was.
“I love you Colby—more than time and space.”
We heard something break in the other room and it smashed any hope I had of continuing what Ari called our make-out fest.
“Let’s get dressed before they break each other,” Colby sighed. We threw on clothes quickly and bounded downstairs.
Pema was in the living room, pleading about something with Collin—who had one hand cupped around Ari’s head like it was a basketball. Ari’s arms were flailing about and clawing at Collin’s arm, trying to break free. If I hadn’t been so concerned, it would’ve been comical.
“What’s going on,” I asked firmly. I meant for it to come out loud and demanding, but instead it sounded more—pitiful.
“Pema says she’s gotten someone to help us. But she says it’s going to hurt you and now I’m gonna hurt her!”
Ari began a new, more furious version of her previous rampage and even Collin couldn’t resist laughing.
“Wait, Ari. Pema, what did you do?”
“He should be here soon. I didn’t know what else to do. I can’t watch you give up everything—all your life and your love just because Eivan—my ancestor—was too much of a coward to do what needed to be done. There’s another way. It’s a little more—sinister—but it’s a way out. It’s a way out of leaving her.”
As she darted her eyes in the direction of Colby, my stomach somersaulted in a bit of relief.
“What did you do, make a deal with the devil?” Ari had calmed some, but was still under the umbrella of Collin’s palm.
All color trickled from Pema’s face. Ari had tapped into something close to the truth.
“What did you do?” I asked her pointedly.
“I…I…” she stuttered. A flash of lightning struck outside of the window behind Pema. The morning sky blackened and even the lightning strike seemed to be computer generated, carrying a dark purple hue instead of the light we were used to. Previously non-existent clouds rolled in and around the house causing the room to darken. If there was such a thing as the end of time, that was what it would’ve looked like.
Colby drew herself against my back. I could feel the heaves of her fearful chest behind me. Ari stopped her pre-assault, opting instead for a gaping mouth and a slouched posture.
I looked to Pema. What had she done? Her eyes were closed tight, like a child afraid of the monster in the closet. If she just closed her eyes, maybe it would go away.
Ari joined Colby behind me as a figure, dark as the clouds in the sky, approached the French doors.
“I swear, I only did it to help you,” Pema blurted out again, sneaking in one more apology.
“Who is it,” I asked. She opened her mouth to answer, but was overwrought with a tremble so great, it prevented her explanation.
“Well, dear perfect Theo, what have we gotten ourselves into?”
The man was years older than the one I remembered, but there was no denying his identity. His hair was shaven so close to his head that the sheen reflected aftershocks of the black lightning. He wore a black button down shirt, black pants and matching black suspenders.
Even his eyes were black.
Not at all who I remembered from our childhood.
“Torrent,” I asked and shocked myself into believing at the same time.
“Yes, brother. Long time no see.”
His voice was slitherous, which matched his devilish appearance. He was alive and well. Not well, per se, but alive. My brother had always been the darker of us two, always dabbling in the more mysterious things in life.
“Long enough to drive our parents to near madness wondering where you were.”
“Oh, believe me, Theo, they know. It’s just easier for them to pretend I’m missing than what I am.”
“And what exactly are you, Torrent?”
He smoothed his collar and took an unwelcome seat on the nearest chair to him. He made sure to glare at Pema before matching my gaze again.
“I thought you said he had been researching.”
“He had. There’s missing information.”
With an eye roll, he mumbled, “Clearly. Tsk, tsk, Pema. Theo, come now, think about it.” His accent sounded a little British. He was a grown up, British version of my brother.
“No, just tell me. Without the taunting, or the pompous attitude. Tell me what has been more important than your family?”
Another eye roll. I didn’t like this Torrent at all.
“There is good and bad. Heaven and Hell. Ice and Fire. You really think there could be an Eidolon without his counterpart? Who better to fulfill the role than the brother of the Eidolon?”
Collin straightened up, “It’s just a myth.”
“You people are ridiculous. You take everything at face value. Do I look like a myth?”
Pema chimed in, but looked like she might want to upchuck instead, “It’s true. He is Sanctum.”
“Sanctum is a person—who killed Demetrius,” Colby spoke up.
Torrent, Sanctum, whatever his name was stood and encroached on my personal space. He looked at Colby. One corner of his mouth upturned as he addressed her comment. “No, sweet Colby, Sanctum is my title.”
“Explain,” my tone demanded.
“Nah. I don’t feel like it.” He began to stroll around the room. “How about we talk about bigger and better things. Let’s talk about how you and I are going to work together.”
“Work together? In what capacity would I ever work with you?”
He took in the perimeter of the room while drumming up his next sentence. It had better be a good one. Though I hadn’t seen him in years, at this point, I was grateful for his absence. If this was what we were missing then he could just go back to wherever he came from.
“Like how we have a common enemy—enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that. More specifically, let’s talk about how you and I are going to take out the Synod—together.
To Be Continued…
Lightning In My Darkness will be released soon!
Other works by Lila Felix:
The love and Skate Series:
Love and Skate
How It rolls
Down n derby
Caught in a jam
False start
Love and skate (the second Jam) coming November 1, 2014
Bayou bear chronicles:
; Burden
Hearten (TBR Summer 2014)
Forced autonomy (a dystopian novella serial)
Anguish
heartbreaker
Seeking havok
Emerge
Perchance
hoax
Striking (co-authored by Rachel Higginson)
Lila’s Antics:
www.lilafelix.com
www.authorlilafelix.blogspot.com
www.facebook.com/authorlilafelix
twitter: @authorlilafelix
email: [email protected]
Acknowledgements:
To God, for a mind that conjures stories and fingers almost fast enough to keep up.
To my husband and children, the core of my heart and the breath in my lungs
To Marcia Woodell for putting up with my constant texts about translations into Portuguese.
To the Hellcats, for just being all around bad ass.
To the Rink Rats: the best damned street team ever. Hands down, not even kidding.
The betas who put up with my nagging: Mandy, Candace, & Ashleigh
Stay Tuned for Excerpts from Rebecca Ethington, Mary Ting and Felicia Tatum!!
OF RIVER AND RAYNN
Rebecca Ethington
A Novel Experience that will bleed into your world.
QUESTION EVERYTHING.
May 27th
RAYNN
This is the only place I feel like I belong, the only place that feels right. Like home. Even though I don’t know why it does. Of course, I don’t know what home really feels like, either.
I’ve watched enough TV in the ‘kid bunkers’ I was raised in to know what a home should be full of—smiling kids and kitchens with Thanksgiving dinners—but this place doesn’t have any of that. All it has is a lot of commuters so focused on what happens in the next ten minutes that they forget to look up and see the stars, they forget to see the world around them. They just move forward like cattle as the trains roar and their shoes squeak on marble.
I know that home isn’t supposed to be like this.
Even from what I have been able to glean from the hoards of homes the state has shuffled me through, I know home is more than turkeys and fights over television remotes. All those homes had the weekend board games and the fake parents who did their best to plaster fake smiles on their faces, but they didn’t feel the same as this place does. They didn’t feel like it filled up the hole in my gut that had been there since the day they first found me.
