by Jaye Diane
She unlocked her apartment door and went to the kitchen to take the oven stuffer out. The bird looked delicious but she didn't have an appetite. She'd also made rice, greens and mac and cheese. She hoped she'd be able to force herself to eat even a little of the food. She hadn't had an appetite since all this nonsense with Devin had begun. In fact she was getting queasy.
He was already walking into her apartment when she took off her apron and hung it up.
Devin was sexy as hell and he knew it. He knew the affect he had on her and sometimes used that to his advantage, which she took delight in. He was tall, dark and handsome as hell. Being half Puerto Rican and half white, he had a deep gold complexion. That, combined with jet black hair, hazel eyes and lean muscles and he was gorgeous. She'd always had a crush on him but she'd hidden it well.
When they'd finally gotten together over the summer, she'd been scared to believe it was true. But from the look on his face as he walked over, she already knew that her dream relationship was about to come to an end.
"We need to talk," He said, taking her hand in his and walking over to the couch.
"Yes," She agreed simply, though her heart was already racing. She sat next to him and looked into his beautiful eyes. He already looked regretful and sad.
"This just...isn't working anymore. It's not working for me and I can tell it's not working for you."
"Oh, really?" Robyn feigned a calm she didn't feel. "Can you be specific? What does that mean?"
"Robyn, let’s not draw this out. We don't need some ugly scene."
She immediately took offense. "You think I'm going to go off on you like some angry female? You think I can't handle a break-up?"
"We've only been together for three months. I don't think your heart is going to suffer too much-"
"What does that even mean, Devin?" She huffed. "Nothing you're saying is making sense."
"I don't want to argue with you." His voice was very low. He quickly kissed her on the cheek and stood up. "I'm leaving."
"Great," She muttered. "Be a coward."
He glared at her. "How am I a coward?"
"You're breaking up with me without even giving me a reason-"
"You need a reason?" His voice was now ice cold. "It's obvious that this isn't working."
"And now you want to walk out as if I'm not worth you speaking to," She added as if he hadn't spoken.
"Don't overreact."
"Overreact? We've been friends since we were kids. Don't you owe me more than this?"
"It goes both ways."
"What the fuck does that mean?" Robyn asked, her voice going louder and louder. "Can you sit down so we can discuss this like adults?"
"I've said all I have to say." He shook his head and exhaled deeply. "Bye, Robyn."
"Go to hell, asshole," She spat, stomping away so upset and angry that she didn't think before she spoke.
When the door gently closed behind him, Robyn finally allowed herself to cry. She'd never felt so hurt, confused, angry and lost in her entire life.
Chapter Two
"You're pregnant," Dr. Aldridge announced with a warm smile. An old portly, man, he reminded Robyn of her grandfather. But the words he said were so alien to her that she felt like she didn't even know him.
"What?" She squeaked.
"You're pregnant," He said again, frowning a little. "I take it this wasn't a planned pregnancy..."
"N-no," Robyn replied, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. Pregnant! Please God, no!
"Let me get you a glass of water."
In a blur, she watched him get off of his stool, walk to the sink, turn on the faucet and fill a plastic cup with water. He walked back to her and handed her the cup. Her hands shook so bad that she was forced to hold the cup in two hands.
"I think this explains why your migraines have gotten so bad of late," He said, looking at her with concerned eyes. "Women who suffer from headaches and migraines sometimes get them even worse while pregnant. But it usually only lasts for the first trimester."
Trimester? Robyn thought, feeling more and more panicked. The cup of water popped out of her hand and she began to hyperventilate. How the hell could she'd be pregnant? They'd used protection every single time they'd make love. God, what was she going to tell her parents? And how the hell could she tell Devin? Could she even be a mother? Could she keep the baby?
She'd thought her nightmare was complete, waking with a heavy broken heart every day. This was the icing on the cake. As her mind frantically struggled to make sense of what had happened, the world went black around her.
"Are you okay?" Emerald asked, her eyes widening when Robyn slid into the booth across from her.
Robyn opened her mouth to speak but a raspy breath escaped instead. She settled for a nod and stared around the little diner. It was her and Emerald's favorite place to eat. The cheesesteak was her favorite while Emerald always ordered a double cheeseburger. Looking at the old fashioned red jukebox and neon sign above the gleaming red counter, Robyn didn't feel an ounce of comfort. If anything, the panic seemed to settle further down within her. The fact that she'd fainted, for the first time in her life, told her just how bad off she was.
Emerald pushed her short black bangs away from her face and leaned over the table. With her dark, chocolatey skin and almond shaped eyes, she reminded Robyn of an African goddess.
"Talk to me, girl," Emerald said, taking both of Robyn's hands in hers. "You look like you've seen a ghost. What happened at the doctor's?"
"I-I...I can't even say it," Robyn whispered, her breath hitching.
"Oh, honey...it can't be that bad," Emerald said, but she looked scared out of her mind. "Does he want to run some tests? Does he think its cancer?"
Emerald held her breath and Robyn shook her head, trying to talk some sense into herself before she scared her friend even more.
"He did a test," Robyn said, raising her voice a little. "A pregnancy test. And it was positive."
Emerald's glossy lips separated on a gasp. "You're pregnant?"
Robyn felt her eyes fill with tears and closed them, quickly swiping at the tears.
"Oh, honey, it's going to be okay." Emerald got up and came around the table to sit beside Robyn. She wrapped an arm around Robyn and leaned over until their heads were touching.
"I can't even believe..." Robyn sniffled. "I just can't believe this."
"I know it's overwhelming. But it's going to be alright. I promise."
"Emmy, please don't make promises to me right now. Nothing will be okay. I can't be a mother. I can't have a baby with Devin. You know how he's treated me, dumping me like I didn't mean anything to him. Almost twenty years of friendship didn't mean shit to him so how can I rely on him to be a father?"
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Emerald asked, her voice so low that if she hadn't been sitting right next to Robyn, Robyn doubted she would have heard her.
"I don't know what I'm saying," Robyn said, shaking her head. "I'm still trying to process all this. This is a nightmare."
"You just need some time to get used to it. You need time to digest this news."
A waitress arrived with their food and they got quiet. Emerald had ordered their usual. Once the waitress put the plates down, Emerald got up and went back to the other side of the booth.
"What am I going to tell my parents?" Robyn wondered out loud.
"The truth," Emerald said as if it was so simple. "They can't possibly think you're a virgin. You're twenty-four years old."
"But no one knew Devin and I were together... And my parents always make a huge deal about children having two parents. Since I'm not married I know it's going to hurt them. This won't be good news."
"You have plenty of time before you have to tell them. I know they'll be shocked but they love you and they're going to love the baby. Stop worrying about it until you absolutely have to tell them."
"What if I can't go through with it, Emmy?" Robyn asked, fresh tears pooling in her
eyes. "What if I can't go through with the pregnancy?"
"I support you no matter what you choose to do," Emerald whispered. "But think it out as much as possible. Because no matter what you do, once that decision is made, there's no turning back."
A couple of weeks later, Robyn was no closer to making a decision about the baby but she was calmer. She could think about it without wanting to scream or cry. She'd seen the obstetrician that Dr. Aldridge had recommended and discussed her options.
Dr. Brynne was warm and kind and didn't judge Robyn for her indecisiveness, which was just what Robyn needed since she felt guilty enough as it was. She didn't think she could actually go through with an abortion but she also didn't feel good about going through pregnancy, birth and parenthood alone.
And even though she wanted to believe Emerald about her parents loving the baby, she knew that they were going to react badly to the news. As children, her parents told her and her sister several stories about the adversity that they'd constantly faced, being an interracial couple. Her mother, but especially her father, had great hopes of their daughters living out the American dream.
Quintin Phillips had worked as a mechanic since he was a kid helping his father in a shop. He now had a shop of his own but always told his daughters that he wanted more for them than he and their mom had had to endure. As a black man with a white girlfriend -then wife- her father had dealt with all kinds of racism and classism. It had been one of the proudest moments of his life when he was able to open his own shop. But he often told Robyn and her sister, Peyton, that the happiest he'd ever been, other than marrying their mother and other than their births, was seeing them graduate from college. He'd just known they were on the way to the American dream.
Robyn knew that, as a high school history teacher, she would be okay taking care of a child on her own. She made a decent salary. But she knew that her parents' idea of the American dream meant career, marriage and then children. It was going to get very ugly if and when she told her family.
With Christmas just weeks away, she wondered if she'd be able to confess all. But knowing that Devin and his family would be there for Christmas, as was their tradition, Robyn immediately dismissed the idea of telling anyone anything. It was going to be bad enough telling her own family the news. There was no way she could see telling Devin or his family anytime soon. His parents, much like her own, had dealt with rough times back in the day. They were also old fashioned. She could see them trying to force her and Devin to get married or something crazy like that.
Damn, all hell was going to break loose. She knew that she'd be keeping her secret to herself for as long as she possibly could.
In fact, it might be better if she found a way to get out of going to Christmas dinner. It was going to be so awkward seeing Devin and trying to act like nothing had happened between them and hiding her pregnancy. That was an extremely stressful situation that she just didn't want to be in. Before she lost her nerve, she called her mother.
Marjorie Phillips answered the phone on the first ring.
"Hi, sweetie, how are you doing?" Her mother asked cheerfully.
Hearing her mother's voice caused an ache in her heart. She hadn't seen her mother -or anyone in her family- since Thanksgiving. She was supposed to go to her parents’ house to help decorate the Christmas tree, but she'd had an awful migraine, which she'd been a little thankful for since it had given her an excuse to keep to herself at home. The side of her that was scared silly, the irrational side, was sure that everyone would take a look at her and know instantly that she was pregnant.
"I'm good, Mom," Robyn said, forcing herself to sound as happy as her mother did. "But I have some bad news."
"What bad news?" Marjorie asked, her tone instantly becoming wary.
"It's nothing bad," Robyn rushed to assure her mother. "It's about Christmas. I'm not going to be able to come."
"Why the heck not?"
"See, I have this student..." Robyn cleared her throat, silently berating herself for not getting an excuse together before she'd called. "One of my students needs me. Uh, his mom called me and offered to pay me to tutor him over the Christmas break."
"On Christmas too?" Marjorie exclaimed. "What kind of people are these?"
"They are very strict and they only want the best for their son-"
"And yet they have him in public school?" Marjorie scoffed. "What kind of nut jobs don't even let their child have Christmas off?"
"There's nothing wrong with public schools... And they're going to pay me really well. I've already said yes." Robyn's heart pounded as she added to the pack of lies she was telling her mother. She hoped and prayed that her mother believed her.
"Robyn Marie Phillips, this is just not okay." Her mother sighed, then sucked her teeth. "You know that Christmas is the one day out of the year that I expect you and your sister to be here."
"But we were just there for Thanksgiving."
"Peyton was only here for a little while. You know she had to go to Keith's family's house. And what has that got to do with anything? This is about you, not Peyton."
Perfect Peyton, which is how Robyn thought of her older sister, was married with a three year old daughter. She'd lived up to her parents’ vision of the American dream. Robyn loved her sister dearly and had no hard feelings towards her but she couldn't help but feel upset at that exact moment because of the sticky situation that she was in. And she had no one but herself to blame.
"I have to go, Mom. I have two casseroles in the oven." Another lie. The casseroles were actually sitting on the counter, cooling off.
"We're not done talking," Marjorie said, sounding very small and hurt.
"Call me tomorrow, Mom. I love you." Robyn hung up the phone. The guilt was mounting.
Robyn usually slept in on Saturday mornings and would spend the day cleaning and getting chores done. But this Saturday morning found her in the bathroom puking up everything that she'd eaten that week. At least, that's what it felt like. She felt like she threw up forever. When she finally finished, she stood up on wobbly legs and rinsed out her mouth, then brushed her teeth.
She slowly walked back into her bedroom and got into bed, pulling the covers over her head. It wasn't even seven in the morning and her day was horrible already. She tried to go back to sleep but she tossed and turned until she finally gave up and got out of bed. After having a shower, she felt halfway human again and dressed in a long sleeved T-shirt and pink sweatpants. That was appropriate cleaning attire.
As usual, she thought about Devin. She wondered if he missed her at all. It seemed like he was her first thought of each day and her last thought of each night. Well, that's how it had been until she'd found out she was pregnant. Now, thoughts of the baby invaded her mind constantly. But thoughts of Devin still remained.
She swept and mopped her small apartment, which was composed of living room, kitchen, bathroom and one bedroom. She dusted every surface she could reach. She scrubbed the kitchen counters and cleaned the bathroom. Her bedroom was always pristine but she changed her bedding anyway.
In the basement laundry room, she loaded all of her clothes into two washers, feeling her stomach grumble. It was almost noon and she hadn't eaten all day. After she added detergent to the washers, she hurried up the stairs to her apartment, the guilt eating at her again. If her stomach was empty enough to growl, did that mean that the baby was starving too? The idea of tiny little baby waiting for food brought tears to her eyes.
And in that instant she realized that she cared about her child. She'd selfishly been caught up in her misery and had tried to keep busy with her chores so she wouldn't think of the pain she was in. But as soon as she'd stopped selfishly focusing on herself and thought about how she hadn't eaten all day, the overwhelming turmoil she felt for depriving the baby was startling and comforting at the same time.
She wouldn’t get an abortion. She finally knew for sure. With the decision made, she felt some comfort but also had an attack of nerv
es. If she was going to keep the baby -and she felt totally sure that she was- she'd have to find a way to break the news to everyone eventually. That thought brought so much dread upon her that she felt queasy again.
Taking several deep, calming breaths, Robyn fixed herself a can of chicken soup and a cheese sandwich, then picked up her cell phone. Her phone was off and wouldn't even turn on, letting her know that it had died sometime that morning or even overnight. When she plugged it in, and powered it on, she saw that she had several text messages from her mother, griping about her not going to family Christmas. While she started to type a reply to one of the messages, the voicemail notification rang and she listened to it. Messages from her mother, pleading with her to cancel the tutoring sessions, complaining about ungrateful Phillips daughters, and then finally saying that she was coming over to settle the matter once and for all.
Robyn closed her eyes and shook her head. This was going from bad to worse and she didn't know what the hell to do about it. She tried to call her mom but the phone rang and rang.
She hung up without leaving a message, not even knowing what to say.
After her clothes had washed and dried, Robyn brought them up to her apartment and began to fold them. She felt a little sick and prayed that she wouldn't puke again. Evidently morning sickness wasn't just in the mornings.
A quick search on the computer and she felt better knowing that there were several things to help her get through the nausea. Going to the kitchen, she opened a pack of saltines and crammed one into her mouth. The bell rang as she chewed.
She hurried up to swallow and went to the intercom.
"Who is it?"
"Your mother," Came Marjorie's curt reply.
"Hey, Mom," Robyn said happily, and then buzzed her mother in. Although she was glad to see her mother, she felt that same panic from the day Dr. Aldrige had told her she was pregnant. It quickly creeped up until it was in her heart and her throat, making her heart race and her throat feel dry. She forced herself to breathe evenly as she opened the door for her mother.
