by Jaye Diane
Long after Emerald had gone home, Robyn lay in bed, contemplating her life. Six months ago she'd had a good head on her shoulders and known exactly what she was doing with her life and what she wanted out of life. She never could have imagined the drastic turns her life would take. She wanted to make smarter choices from that point on. Well, she knew she'd never make the same mistake twice. Devin was old news. The sooner she could heal from their relationship the better off she'd be.
And since she was about to be a mother, she didn't see herself dating any time soon. But if she ever did again, she'd have to make sure to go on the pill now that she knew condoms were so risky. She needed two methods of birth control. The box of condoms should advise people not to use condoms alone.
Robyn placed her hand over her flat stomach, imagining a tiny baby curled up inside her, resting or swimming. Life was such a miracle and she couldn't believe she'd actually contemplated not going through with her pregnancy. Thank god she'd begun to wake up and bond with her unborn child.
Turning over, a new thought crept into her head, guaranteeing that she wouldn't be getting much sleep that night. Her bad stomach...how would she hide her morning sickness and sensitivity to certain smells? Those symptoms would be a dead giveaway.
She usually spent Christmas Eve with her parents, as did her sister and brother-in-law and Mr. and Mrs. Jamison. The younger Jamisons, and their grandma, usually showed up in time for Christmas breakfast. An image of herself puking at the table on Christmas morning came to Robyn's mind and she threw her arm over her eyes, dread filling her. She had to come up with a plan - and fast. Christmas was less than two weeks away and she'd just die if she couldn't keep herself together mentally and physically.
That meant no puking sessions in front of anyone and definitely no tears. She yearned for Devin badly but she could not let anyone see it. She had to be strong in more ways than one and she was determined to do it.
I'll figure something out. I have to.
But she stayed up half the night, unsure of what to do. If she didn't know everything that could trigger her nausea how could she take preventative measures?
"Damn, I'm in big trouble." Robyn mumbled sleepily, finally falling asleep around three in the morning.
More than a week later, Robyn pulled out of the school parking lot, eager to get to Dr. Brynne's office. She was actually in a decent mood. Teachers loved half days as much as kids. And the fact that she was going to have her first ultrasound made the day extra special.
A light snow had begun to fall. With Christmas just a few days away, they hadn't had too much snow, just a couple of inches here and there. As bad as the previous winter had been, she was grateful for each day that was free of snow.
As she drove, her mind wandered. She was cautiously excited about being with her family for Christmas. It was usually her favorite time of year. But her heart still stung from the breakup with Devin and she wondered how long it would be before she'd be able to stop thinking about him and yearning for him.
Bigger snowflakes began to fall as she pulled into the parking lot outside of Dr. Brynne's office and when Robyn parked her car, she frowned up at the sky, rushing into the office. She signed in with the receptionist and removed her coat, staring down at her cell phone as she walked to a seat.
"Robyn?"
Hearing her name, Robyn froze, knowing she looked like a deer caught in headlights. Turning, she spotted one of her best friends, Grace Jamison. She'd purposely been avoiding Grace. It wasn't Grace's fault that her brother had broken Robyn's heart. But Robyn had been much too wounded to hide it. And once she'd gotten news of the baby, she'd really avoided calling her friend. But Grace, who was a photographer, was usually busy traveling, and hadn't called her either.
Robyn forced a smile even though her heart beat so rapidly that she felt a little faint. She rushed over to Grace, a petite exotic beauty with hazel eyes and golden skin, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Sitting down next to Grace, Robyn folded her shaking hands on her lap.
What do you say when you get caught at an ob-gyn's office when no one's supposed to know you're pregnant?
"What are you doing here?" Grace asked, speaking before Robyn could bring herself to.
Robyn licked her lips. "I was about to ask you the same thing." She forced a giggle.
"I'm getting my yearly exam," Grace said, opening the magazine she had in her hands. "I keep putting it off but I know I shouldn't."
"Oh," Robyn said, relief washing her over. Makes sense. This wasn't just a baby doctor. Feeling foolish she said, "That's what I'm doing too. I didn't know you came to Dr. Brynne."
"For a couple of years now." Grace nodded. "She's really good."
"I needed a change," Robyn said, not a complete lie. "Remember I used to go to Dr. Allen? He just seemed so businesslike. It made it tough to get the exam done with him acting like that."
Grace looked sympathetic. "You'll like Dr. Brynne," She said warmly. "She's so sweet and friendly."
Robyn already knew that but she wasn't going to correct her friend.
"I just got back from California a couple days ago," Grace went on. "What have you been up to?"
"Nothing much." Robyn did lie this time. "Mainly just working."
"You need a social life," Grace said. "We’ve got to get you a boyfriend!"
"You're one to talk," Robyn said uncomfortably. "You're the workaholic."
"I may be a workaholic, but I know how to have fun, if you know what I mean." Grace winked.
Robyn laughed too while the guilt ate at her some more.
I am really going to hell for all the lies I've been telling. Lord, please forgive me!
Robyn felt like she was floating on air. Driving through the slushy streets a couple hours later, she found herself at her favorite little Mexican spot. Her appetite had been poor lately but she had a craving for Mexican, particularly the mini quesadillas that Hot Taco specialized in.
July 15th. Her due date. Based on the information that she'd given Dr. Brynne last time, the doctor had guessed that she was due in the middle of July but Robyn, feeling freaked out, had stopped the doctor before she'd actually speculated on a date. But she knew for sure now. July 15th. It was bittersweet when she thought about how she and Devin had gone on their first date on July 5th and were unofficially claiming each other the next day. It had been the best first date of her life.
The baby had been so small but she'd already been able to see the distinct shape of his/her head plus the arms and legs. She'd heard the heartbeat, so fast and strong. She'd surprisingly teared up. What a miracle. She and Devin had created a miracle. She was ten, almost eleven, weeks pregnant. A part of her was in awe, still not really believing it.
Robyn parked her car in the fast food restaurant's parking lot, thinking belatedly that she should have gone straight home and ordered delivery. But she was too excited about knowing the baby's birthday. She hadn't been thinking straight. What if she couldn't bare the aromas of the restaurant?
Hesitantly, she opened the glass door and entered Hot Taco. For a cold Monday night, it was filled decently with customers sitting at the small tables. Robyn took a couple of small breaths, delighted when her stomach remained settled. She hurried to the line, getting behind the few people who stood there.
Her stomach grumbled. She hadn't eaten lunch. After the half day dismissal, she'd hurried to the doctor's office. It was nearly four now. She'd treat herself to an extra quesadilla or two. Or eight.
When she'd finally ordered and paid, she stood to the side of the pick-up counter, waiting while her food was made. Her phone vibrated and she looked down at it.
You were supposed to call me.
Robyn smiled. She'd promised to call Emerald as soon as she'd gotten the news.
I'm not home yet. Call you soon.
"Robyn?"
For the second time that day she was surprised by a very familiar voice.
Happiness and dread warring inside her, she slowly turn
ed to the soft drinks fountain to see her former friend and former lover. Devin Jamison.
Chapter Four
"Hi," Robyn muttered stiffly.
Devin wished that he could pull her to him and squeeze her. He was sure he'd never let her go. But after everything had erupted between them, he didn't dare reach out.
She was wearing a red pea coat and black slacks with black heels. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and she looked beautiful but he could tell that she'd lost weight. He wondered if she was sick. Or was it possible that she was suffering as much as he was?
"How are you?" He asked, holding a large drink cup in one hand and putting his other hand in his pocket.
"I'm fine," She said, giving him a split second glance before turning back to the counter. The way she stared up at the glowing menu, you'd think there was something mesmerizing about tacos and tortillas.
"Did you get my cola?" Casey asked, wandering over to them from their corner table. "Oh, hey Robyn!"
"Hi," Robyn said, giving Casey an obviously phony smile before turning away again.
Devin made quick work of filling Casey's cup and handing it to her. She took the cup and stood staring from him to Robyn and back again. Casey was the only person who knew about his relationship with Robyn. And if she wasn't a secretary at his job, she wouldn't even know that, despite being one of his closest friends.
His other best friend, Linc, had already gone away for a Christmas cruise with his folks. Devin was glad his friend had gone because that gave him a whole week of not having to pretend he was okay for Linc's sake.
"Can you give us a minute?" He asked Casey when she just continued to stand there watching.
"Sure," She said, touching his arm. "Good to see you Robyn."
He watched her walk back to the table before taking a couple steps towards Robyn.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked, his voice low.
"What do you care?" Robyn whispered, closing her eyes for a moment.
He felt as if he'd been slapped. Why did she have to be so bitter? They'd been friends for nearly twenty years, since she had gone to kindergarten with his little sister. Was that worth nothing to her?
"Never mind," She mumbled, shaking her head regretfully. "Forget I said that."
"If we're going to be together for Christmas, don't you think you need to try to be a little friendlier?" He found himself saying.
Robyn grabbed her takeout bag from the cashier and finally looked Devin in the eye. He got a good look at the bags under her brown eyes and the sadness inside of him seemed to grow.
"You're right, of course," Robyn said, deadpan. "And don't worry. On Christmas, I will put on a show that even I will believe. But until then, it's best if we stay away from each other. There's nothing else to say now."
Devin bit back every retort that was on the tip of his tongue and watched her practically run out of the restaurant.
He felt like a black cloud hung endlessly over his head. He had to find a way to get through to Robyn, to make her see that they could go back to being friends. They'd been friends since they were children. Because of their parents, they'd practically been family and had grown up as such. And now she'd completely shut him out.
When they'd first broken up, he'd tried to call her a few times. Not right at first. But after a couple weeks. She hadn't taken his calls. And if he hadn't felt bad enough, that had done it. He'd felt so alone ever since, despite having Casey to confide in.
Realizing that he still stood at the soft drink fountain, Devin made his way back to the corner table where he'd been eating an early dinner with Casey. She was looking down, her eyes glued to her phone, and she looked up with a smile when he sat across the table from her.
"Are you okay?" She asked, putting the phone down.
"I'm good." He stared down at his food, his appetite completely gone. He'd only eaten one taco before he'd noticed Robyn waiting at the counter. He'd gotten up before he'd realized what he was doing. He and Casey had worked through their lunch, trying to get as much work as possible done before the break for Christmas. He should be starving. He had been. But seeing Robyn had torn him up inside.
"It's going to be alright, Dev," Casey murmured softly, with a small smile. "Once you really get over her, you'll find the right woman for you..."
"I don't want to even think about that."
"In time you will. You'll find someone beautiful and kind, who will truly appreciate you."
Something in Casey's tone made him look closely at her. She was still smiling, a little broader now.
"You know that I love Robyn," Devin said, his voice low. He felt the tiny hairs on the back of his neck prick up. "Not like or just care about. Love. That's not something you just forget about."
"Of course you love her," Casey agreed quickly. "You two have, after all, been friends for such a long time." Casey bit a taco and talked while she ate. "But you'll get over her. And when you do, you'll see that there are plenty of other wonderful women just waiting to be with you."
He felt the quick sting of annoyance run through him. Casey seemed to think that he and Robyn had been indulging in some casual fling, just because they hadn't told anyone they were seeing each other. But it was the complete opposite. A person takes a lot of things into account before dating such a close friend. He'd decided that the benefits and rewards were definitely worth the risks. To date someone that you already loved and cared about had been a dream. A brief and bittersweet dream. It hadn't worked out and if they could salvage their friendship, then it would have definitely been worth it.
"I've never had trouble getting women," Devin said with a shrug. "But I'm not interested. And I won't be. For a long time, if ever."
"I know!" Casey laughed. "I did go to college with you! I walked in on you once, remember?"
He smiled a little and shook his head. He remembered it well. He'd been in bed, in his dorm, with two girls. Casey's eyes had bulged out of her head. He'd been wild back then. He'd worked hard but he'd played hard as well. That was how he'd graduated in three years.
"All I'm saying is, now that you're a grown man, you're not looking for just any woman or women. You'll have your selection of mature career woman to choose from. Robyn's not the only fish in the sea." She added with a small huff.
Did Casey sound a little bitter? He hoped not. They'd already been over that territory after being friends for a couple of years and he wasn't going to have the discussion again.
"Why are we even talking about this?" He asked, picking up his cup and having a sip. "There's no point to this."
"I guess you're right," Casey agreed. "But you just have to keep your eyes open. You never know what you might miss."
"Casey," He said, leaning forward and lowering his voice even more so that no one could hear him. "You know that...you and I...will only ever be friends, right?"
Her cheeks turned a bright shade of pink and he knew that his suspicions were on target. He'd thought that was completely in the past.
"Dev, you never know what the future has in store for any of us..." Casey's voice trailed off and she looked towards the floor to ceiling restaurant window. "Your feelings might change."
"They won't," He said firmly. "We talked about this a long time ago, Case. You told me you understood."
She sighed and nodded her head, still not looking at him.
"I've gotta go." Devin stood up, suddenly feeling closed in. He took his tray to the garbage can and dumped the remainder of his food and his drink.
"Wait, Devin!" Casey cried, running after him and making everyone stare in their direction.
"I can't do this with you, Casey." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I've got too much going on as it is."
"But..."
"I have to go."
"But I gave you a ride. How will you get back to the office?"
"I'll be alright." He hurried to their table, grabbed his black down jacket, and rushed out of the place without looking at Casey again.
&nb
sp; Emerald came over a half hour after Robyn had called her. Robyn was already in a matching mint green pajama shirt and pants set, curled up on the couch. Sniffling and tearing. She was fighting a war with her grief and barely winning. If you could consider a stray tear now and then winning.
"I can't believe that asshole!" Emerald said with a scowl.
Robyn shook her head wordlessly. The hurt was still fresh. Why had he even approached her? What was he trying to prove?
"I should go to his house right now and kick him in the balls." Emerald sat on the other end of the couch, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I would love it if you did," Robyn admitted. "But that wouldn't be the right thing to do."
"Well, what he did wasn't right so who cares?"
"All he did was come up to me and try to make conversation...as if nothing has happened." Robyn sniffled again, thinking about the warmth she'd seen in his eyes for that brief second. God, she missed him. "And remember the saying, two wrongs don't make a right."
"Not everything that's wrong feels bad and not everything that's right feels good."
"I knew I should have just come home," Robyn said, almost to herself. "This is what I get."
"Girl, don't be silly. That's your favorite restaurant. You go there all the time. You weren't asking for trouble by going there." Emerald balled her hands into fists. "And he had Casey with him! I never could stand that bitch."
In all the years that Devin had been friends with Casey, Robyn hadn't minded her. But she hadn't wanted to be her friend either. But at Hot Taco, Casey had made a difficult situation worse, standing there as if she was part of the equation. As if anything that happened was her business. Robyn supposed that Casey was trying to be protective of her friend, but Casey knew as well as Robyn did that as the dumper, Devin needed very little protecting.
"I wonder if he's screwing her," Emerald said, her tone acidic.
Robyn shook her head. "They've been friends for what...eight years or so... It's never happened and I can't see why it would happen now."
