by L. B. Dunbar
“This okay?” I asked as I kissed her forehead, then each eyelid and her nose. She nodded once and I continued to hold still.
“Perkins?” she asked.
“Yeah?” I sighed.
“Move,” she laughed and I felt her clench around me. I slid back but her hands on my ass stopped me when she felt I’d gone far enough. She squeezed and I paused momentarily before moving forth. We developed a slow, sweet rhythm as she sighed, purred, and writhed beneath me. If I thought I was giving her the most memorable pleasure, it paled in comparison to what she was giving me. When I sensed her release around me, I spilled into her with great force. In that moment, I knew why God made this woman. She was meant to complete me. She had given me the greatest gift. A treasure I had searched out for years. She had given me her.
The morning after…
[Hollister]
I didn’t want things to be awkward the following morning, but the reality was, they were. Perkins Vale had to have been the sweetest man I’d ever known, and because of that I couldn’t risk anything happening to him. So while we made love three more times that night, and it was soft and seductive, I couldn’t handle the sweet caress of his hands or the tender kisses he gave me in passing the next morning. He smiled at me like a teenager that had a secret. I’d fulfilled his every fantasy, but that was all it could be: a fantasy. Because I caused trouble wherever I went, and he didn’t need any more than he already had.
With the death of that innocent girl, I sensed Perkins’ conflict. He didn’t know her, but he knew of her, and he felt sympathy for his friend, Lansing Lotte. I refused to attend the funeral with him. It wasn’t my place and Perkins needed to be there for his bandmates. When I declined his invitation, if that’s even the right term for attending a funeral, he let it go without arguing and that sheepish grin returned to his face. He pushed back my hair as he said, “Alright.” I wanted to scream. He was being too…nice.
I needed to leave. I had to get back to work. I had to regain my focus. There were people who counted on me, and I was letting them down by running around like a lovesick teenager giving up her virginity. I didn’t have my virginity and hadn’t for years. It was gone. It had been taken by someone else, and I was never going to get it back. I was becoming a bottle of carbonated water, ready to explode if I didn’t get released from Perkins touch.
When he drove me back to the shelter, he leaned to kiss me, and I knew the soft peck I gave his lips wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for me, but if I gave into that mouth, we’d be in the backseat and that wasn’t part of his fantasy. Perkins Vale wanted a sweet girl to make love to nightly. I could not be her. I was too damaged. I glanced back at his truck as he drove off. Like Lot’s wife again, drawn to the burning city of sin, I turned to bitterness that the only thing good to ever come in my life needed to be removed from it.
We had Internet at the shelter, although it was spotty. I needed to learn everything I could about Jordan Waters. I was worried that what Michael had told me was true. I couldn’t risk Jordan returning for me. I never told Perkins about Michael or seeing Jordan. I let last night be my one moment of heaven before all hell broke loose.
A brief search showed that Jordan had recently been released for good behavior. I didn’t see how a twenty-five year sentence for child abduction and sexual assault could be reduced. I supposed all Jordan’s practice at praising higher powers and his charisma to coerce others, provided what he needed to be set free. True to his word, he promised to return for me. I worried his prophecy would restore me to something I never wanted to relive again.
On the other hand, Michael McMann was an issue in and of itself. He believed I had something equally as valuable as Jordan. Sadly, they were both mistaken. I didn’t have any item that would matter to either of them. I only had an item that mattered to me. For a desperate moment, I thought I should seek out the advice of my uncle and then decided against it. It was his lack of intelligence and his misunderstanding of my worth that led to my troubles. He should have told me the truth long ago, but he thought he could protect me.
Marie was my only confidante. She knew what had happened. Twice. I owed her more than I owed my uncle, or anyone else. So she’s the one I told about Michael’s presence on the step last night, and the one I told about seeing Jordan on the street. I was ready to tell her about Perkins and stopped myself. I decided that there was something I didn’t need to share with anyone. I would keep it special, only for me.
As a week passed and then another, I avoided Perkins Vale as much as I could. As the public servant to this charity funded facility, I felt it was my duty to take on all responsibilities. Like I had in the past, I did it again. I took shifts in order to avoid going to him. I took daily kitchen duty, overnight counseling service, and late night pick up. Pick up was when we needed to retrieve a woman from the streets. I worked with families that were separated to rejoin mother and child. I encouraged Martha to stay away from the man she snuck off to see. I told her three strikes and she was out.
I had caught Martha sneaking in late one night. It was after-hours and I don’t know how she got back in after the late lock up. I’ll admit I was a bit jealous. Not that Martha was seeing a man that clearly abused her, but that Martha felt such a lack of restraint that she would do anything to be with this man, whoever he was. I wanted to be that carefree, and yet, I knew I couldn’t. It was a risk to me and to Perkins.
I’d had a close call the other night. I was delivering sandwiches around the block, knowing all the hideouts for street people, when I saw the outline of a shadow blocking the entrance to the shelter. For a brief moment, my heart leapt at the thought that it might be Perkins. I recalled the night he held me captive in an empty, dark doorway. But this figure emitted danger from down the block. I sensed as I drew closer, lacking the confidence I was trying to display, that I was in eminent harm. A noise to the right of the figure, something across the street, drew this person’s attention and he looked in the general direction. It gave me a chance to slip into the alley that would lead around to the back door of the shelter. I ran with as much speed as I could afford, while trying not to make a sound in the quiet alley. Each step sounded like a firework exploding, over and over, on the gravelly ground.
I entered the shelter and threw myself against the door as if I was blocking something out, or rather someone. My heart raced and my chest visibly moved as I breathed deeply in my panic. I scampered to the kitchen to look out the side window, which still provided me with a narrow glimpse of the street. Under the lamplight, Jordan stood. I’d know his body anywhere. I shook violently as if I’d stepped into the cold. My teeth actually chattered, and I screamed when Martha came up behind me.
“Ms. SanGrael, are you okay?” she asked, clearly flustered by my screech.
“I’m…I’m fine,” I stuttered.
“You frightened me,” she said, looking sheepishly toward the kitchen blinds.
“You fri…frightened mm... me,” I chattered.
She reached for me, but I flinched back, and she withdrew her hands slowly. Her dark eyes squinted at me.
“What are you doing up so late?” I questioned, and then I noticed her coat. I narrowed my own eyes at her.
“I just needed a moment of fresh air,” she lied.
“Martha,” my teeth rattled in my mouth, “I’m letting this slide until morning. I need to go to bed and so do you.”
I was suddenly drained of all feelings as the adrenaline washed out of me. Martha nodded once and I followed her to the edge of the kitchen door. Like the tempted woman, I stopped and glanced back at the blinds. Sensing his presence still outside, I shuddered. I was never going to be free. I could never risk loving someone as long as Jordan was out there.
I avoided news of the ongoing investigation into the search for Arturo King, which seemed to have regained media interest when he was spotted in New York City. It was a day or two after I heard the news that I found Perkins Vale parked outside the shelter. I peer
ed out the kitchen window and quickly released the blinds.
“He’s been out there for over an hour, Blanche fleur,” Marie spoke softly with her French accent. “Why are you hiding from him? What did he do?”
I turned to see her watery eyes filled with concern. Marie didn’t want to believe Perkins could hurt anyone, any more than I believed he could, but as my protectress, she would prevent any harm from coming to me.
“He didn’t do anything. I did,” I whispered the last words, hoping Marie would not hear them but she was beside me in an instant.
“What did you do?” Her eyes searched my face. Her protection and love for me overwhelmed me, and a tear slipped from my eyes. She blinked in surprise and wiped with her rough thumb before cupping my cheeks in her hands.
“Ma cherie, you fell in love with him, no?”
I nodded, and a slow smile crept over her lips.
“Did you give yourself to him?” Her tone was concern with a hint of teasing.
I nodded again and the smile widened.
“He is here to protect you,” she said firmly, forcing my head to nod in agreement with her words, knowing I wouldn’t do it voluntarily. She removed my face quickly and walked around me to the back door. I didn’t hear what she said, but within minutes Perkins Vale stood before me. I took a deep breath as the scent of him surrounded me, manly, woodsy. I couldn’t breathe. If he touched me, I would lose my resolve to stay away from him. I had to protect him.
We stared at one another for a moment. His sad brown eyes told me of his pain. I broke the stare first and he spoke, “I was wondering if we could talk.”
I took a deep breath. I couldn’t do this, but his words weren’t what I expected.
“Arturo has been seen in the city, but it’s been rumored he is the woods around Lake Avalon. I need to leave to see if I can find him.”
I immediately returned my gaze to him.
“I wanted to let you know I was leaving town. In case…” He paused and looked over his shoulder at Marie, who was still standing by the back door. She was watching Perkins as if the greatest words ever said by man were going to come out of his mouth.
Perkins ran his hand over his head and returned to looking at me, searching my face. When he didn’t seem to find what he was looking for, he sighed.
“In case you needed me for anything,” he said. We were quiet again as I stood with my arms crossed over my stomach, protecting me.
He leaned forward and brushed his lips across my cheek. His comforting scruff scratched me gently, and he whispered in my ear, “I miss you.”
I suddenly sensed that we were alone. I looked right to see Marie was gone. I looked left to see she’d closed the door between the kitchen and the large serving area. When I glanced up at Perkins, I swiped my cheek to remove the feel of his stubble on me. It felt good, but I couldn’t allow it. I nodded at him and he nodded at me. Then he turned toward the back door. He’d taken two large steps and I moved away from the counter, clenching my hands at my side, willing him to leave before I chased after him. He stopped with his back to me.
Keep going, I thought. Keep going. My nails dug into my palms and I squeezed my eyes shut. Suddenly his mouth was on mine, hot and heavy like the night he found me in his bed. His hands cupped my face and our mouths moved as one. An image of us making love in his bed flooded my mind. The dance of our tongues matched that sensation of him being inside me. I didn’t have the strength to resist him and my arms wrapped around his neck as I climbed his large body. My legs crossed around him and I kissed him with everything I had. His hands cupped my ass and he hitched me upward. Suddenly, I was flat on the small kitchen table, Perkins over me and our most precious parts were aligned. I pressed into him with a desire for something I’ve never had before. He continued to work my mouth, but he had released his hold on me. His hands were on either side of me on the old Formica table, but I was still clutching him like my life depended on it. At that moment, it did. Jordan. Michael. I was afraid and I needed Perkins.
As quickly as that thought came into my head, he did a push up and I released him. I lay breathless and sprawled on the table, my legs still loosely wrapped around him, but my arms had fallen back beside my head. His hands were still spread wide on either side of me and he breathed just as deeply.
“I knew you still wanted me.” He smirked.
“You’re an ass,” I scolded.
“I can be,” he laughed and he stood, straightened his jacket, and walked out the door.
My head rolled to the side. I was limp with a sensation of the blood being drained out of me. I knew, once again, why he was the Hands-free Lover. He’d hardly touched me, but I was a mess.
A new hunt…
[Perkins]
She still wanted me, and a silly smug expression filled my face as I walked to my truck, willing myself not to look back. If I saw even a hint that she wanted me, I wouldn't leave, but I was more afraid I'd see goodbye in her eyes. She was running from me and I didn't know why. Was it what we did? I prayed it wasn't. She had been worth the wait. I didn't doubt that in the moment, she was in the moment. But something happened and I lost her. Again.
Determined that it would not be forever, or at least another twelve years, I would park down the street to watch the shelter at night. Only once did I notice a guy lurking near the door when Hollister was coming back from her nightly delivery. I saw her down the block and went into high alert when she paused. I knew her body. She was tense and trying not to show her fear. She stood tall, but she'd run, and the male figure looked ready to chase. I opened my car door, calling out a soft, "Hey" and was fortunate the man turned in my direction. He couldn't see me in the shadows down the block, but he definitely heard my truck door slam shut and the tone of my voice. I held my ground at the dark end of the street.
When it was clear the guy either hadn't seen me, or decided I wasn't a threat, he returned a brief gaze in the direction of Hollister. Rather, where Hollister had been, because she had literally disappeared. I held my breath as I waited out the man on the street. Time slowed and he hadn't moved, but eventually another woman exited the side door of the shelter. She ran to the man and embraced him. Martha, I thought that was her name. Her arms wrapped around the man's neck, and she lifted herself against him, but he clearly did not return her enthusiasm. They exchanged a few words when she stepped back, and the man made the first attempt to touch her. He gripped her arm and she leaned away from him when he tugged her close. I was ready to intervene when he kissed her hard. The frail looking woman struggled a moment, but gave into the kiss. Feeling like a true stalker, I returned to my truck deciding I had nothing to worry about.
I didn't follow media. It reminded me of Arturo and the fact he was still lost to us. We were coming close to marking three months as Thanksgiving drew near. I was on my way to meet the guys at a small pub called Emerald Isle, when I heard a newscast on the radio that caught my attention. Arturo King had been spotted in Manhattan. I was so tired of the false rumors and ignored most of them, until Lansing confirmed that he had seen Arturo. I didn't know the details yet, but it was around the time we'd gone to the lake country.
"You what?" Tristan blurted pulling the bottle of Jack from his wet lips.
"I saw Arturo. At least whom I thought was Arturo. I mean someone who looked like Arturo."
"Why the fuck haven't you said anything?" Tristan cursed again.
"Trist," I warned. Lansing had been through a lot lately. I could imagine seeing Arturo was masked by the timing of Layne's mysterious death.
"Look, Perky. You both have your women keeping you busy, but we need to find Arturo and get this show on the road, literally. We need to play. We need to travel. We need to see the world," he belted.
"I don't have a woman," Lansing said softly to the floor, while I simply hung my head like an errant child. I wasn't sure I had one either.
"The hell you don't," Tristan laughed. "You're becoming almost as bad as me. Elaine. Layne. Guinevere
. This new girl in your apartment."
"Guinevere?" I questioned at the same time Lansing said, "Lila?"
“Who’s Lila?” Tristan asked in a sultry tone as I questioned, "What's going on with Guinevere?"
To which Lansing seemed to answer both questions at once: “No one. Nothing.”
Tristan laughed and took another swig from the bottle, but I stared at Lansing. He wasn't telling the truth in either response.
“Can we get back on topic?” Lansing questioned. “What about Arturo? And what about the album?”
The album had become of great concern. Kaye was pushing us to finish it. He wanted us to hire someone to replace Arturo, but I didn't like that suggestion.
“We need Arturo,” I said, but almost immediately Tristan replied.
“We need some songs.”
We were three shy of a complete album. During our summer hiatus upstate, Arturo fell in love almost immediately with Guinevere and that inspired him to write twelve songs. Two were unfinished and we agreed we didn't want to finish them without him. We needed three and Kaye had suggested we write them ourselves. Tristan had done it before so he didn't seem fazed, but I couldn't write a song. School was never my strong place. Writing was torture, poetry the worst. Making music took a long time to learn, and I worked hard to make it happen, but forget writing a song.
“Guinevere is going to look for Arturo,” Lansing said without emotion.
“And you know this how?” Tristan eyed Lansing over the lip of the bottle.
Lansing didn’t respond, but I decided I was going, too. I didn’t have anything holding me back.
I’d been spending more time with my drums and my weight set as I struggled to figure out what had gone wrong with Hollister. Our night together was the greatest night of my life, and she practically disappeared the next day. She avoided me at every turn. She didn’t return my texts or phone calls and I became a stalker, checking up on her at the shelter. I couldn’t let her slip away like I had in the past. She meant everything to me, and I was getting angry about that fact.
