LIMBO
Fifty-Three Years, Four Months, and One Helluva Week
• Epigraph: From The Journals of Søren Kierkegaard, February 1836.
• The BBQ place in Mississippi is called The Shed (http://theshedbbq.com). It survived both Hurricane Katrina and Isaac.
• Paris: The most famous river is, of course, the Seine. The most famous cemetery is Père Lachaise—resting place of Jim Morrison as well as Chopin. The most famous bookstore is Shakespeare & Company. Its legendary owner, George Whitman (a relative of Walt) used to serve tea every Sunday afternoon to whomever showed up until he died in 2011 at the age of 98.
Make Up Your Mind
• Epigraph: One of Sam Spade’s many great one-liners in Dashiell Hammett’s The Maltese Falcon. He uses it to describe a guy whose life was completely turned upside down when a beam falls to the sidewalk right next him and almost kills him. Spade goes on to say: “He adjusted himself to beams falling, and then no more of them fell, and he adjusted himself to them not falling.
HELL
Looking for Traction
• Epigraph: A friend said this to me in May, 2006. He was commiserating about my increasingly chaotic state and, after making a few mild suggestions, ended with this simple statement. I scribbled it down word for word and returned to it frequently. While on the surface, it might sound rather harsh—for me, it was a reminder that I still had at least a modicum of personal power and that I would endure.
Road Trip
• Epigraph: Theodore Roosevelt was more of a situational depressive. Or, perhaps a situational manic-depressive. For him, a major change of scene was often the best therapy. His famous line about the “black care” was written when he fled to the Badlands after the death of his pregnant wife and his mother on the same day in 1884.
• Neal Cassady was the model for the character Dean Moriarity in Jack Kerouac’s On the Road (1957) … a dash across America that was easily as mad as mine.
• Michael Chabon’s book about Sherlock Holmes is called The Final Solution: A Story of Detection (2003).
• The University of West Virginia Mountaineers lost to Texas in the NCAA Sweet Sixteen that year. Florida beat UCLA in the final.
• One of my late godfather Larry Spitz’s best stories was about how he helped organize the textile workers in Woonsocket, Rhode Island in the mid ’30s. Among other things, this involved arranging night classes in English for the primarily French Canadian workers. Larry was the real deal.
• The Susan Orlean book of essays I was listening to is called My Kind of Place (2004).
• Natural Foods Expo: This is a good place to clarify my “business career.” Why was I at a Natural Food show? Hadn’t I retired from advertising? Well, back in 1987, a friend and I started a company to import soaps and body care products. I ended up owning an ad agency. He ended up running the soap company. But I occasionally consulted, wrote, and, as indicated, went to trade shows with him.
• The poem in Brown’s Park is by Joseph Brown, an ancestor of the family who created the park.
• One man’s miracle … The “famous man” who said this was Godfrey de Bouillon, one of the leaders of the First Crusade. You won’t find it, however, on any website of quotations, because he said it in a book of historical fiction that I’m writing.
• The main goal of primal scream therapy is to help patients release childhood trauma. Janov’s most famous patients were John and Yoko Ono. Listening to the song “Mother” on their album John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band, gives you a sense of the technique’s intensity. Janov’s book The Primal Scream (1970) is still in print.
• For more on the Rainbow Family see http://www.welcomehome.org/rainbow/index.html
• “Sympathy for the Devil” is, of course, by The Rolling Stones. “We Built This City on Rock & Roll” is by Jefferson Starship. Apologies to the many people who still love hearing the “Pachabel Canon” and “The Rose” at weddings.
• The song “Long December” (1996) is by Counting Crows, from their album Recovering the Satellites.
• I’m happy to say that, with the help of a neighbor, I eventually got the rock free and it’s now the front step of my cabin.
Diagnosis
• Epigraph: From Siddhartha Mukherjee’s (2010) Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer, a fascinating look at the disease and our relationship to it over the last few thousand years.
• Bipolar I & II. As mentioned, doctors draw the line in various places. The clearest explanation for me was when my doctor said, “If you were in a full-blown mania, you’d be bouncing off the walls, not sitting in this chair.” There were, of course, times that I felt like bouncing off the walls, but I never did.
• There are a variety of Patient Health Questionnaires. I assume the one I filled out was a version my doctor had customized. There were, indeed, 132 questions.
• By the way, I’m serious about DSM codes. That is how insurance companies determine reimbursement. Insurance companies also have different policies about whether they require pre-authorizations for brand vs. generic drugs.
PURGATORY
Hard Turns and False Tops
• Epigraph: From Notebook IV in Albert Camus’ Notebooks: 1942-1951.
The Wit and Wisdom of Neurotransmitters
• Epigraph: From an article by Peter Schjedahl called “Rule Like An Egyptian: Hatshepsut the King and Queen,” published in The New Yorker, April 3, 2006.
• My physics professor friend (who, by the way, also takes Lamictal) wrote: The way the molecular weight business works is: (100mg) × (1 mole/256.0926 g) × (6.02 × 10^{23} molecules/mole) = 2.45 × 10^{20} molecules. That’s not exactly explaining how it works in English, but if you track through the units you would say I have 100 mg = .1 grams of Lamictal, and 1 mole of Lamictal has a mass of (256.0926 g), so that gives me the number of moles of Lamictal that are in 100 mg. One mole contains Avogadro’s number of molecules, so I multiply the number of moles I have by Avogadro’s number and voilà, I have the number of molecules. 10^{6} is a million, 10^{9} is a billion, 10^{12} is a tera (big hard drives currently have 1 - 1.5 terabytes), so the 100 mg of Lamictal has 24.5 hundred billion tera molecules. I guess that goes to show molecules are very small! Even molecules of Lamictal. Who would have thought that such a small molecule could have such a big effect. This gives you the number you wanted, but it doesn’t explain what a mole is, or why it’s related to Avogadro’s number, or how weight is related to mass, or whether gram is a unit of weight or mass, and so on. If you are interested in that stuff then there’s another email.
• I do really encourage you to find one of the many representative illustrations of synapses if you want to try to follow this. I highly recommend the children’s site listed above: http://www.enchantedlearning.com/subjects/anatomy/brain/Neuron.shtml. If you want to get a little deeper, check out the one from “How Stuff Works” http://www.howstuffworks.com/enlarge-image.htm?terms=nerve+communication&page=0
• The article in the June 1998 issue of Scientific American was written by Charles B. Nemeroff.
Prescription Medicines
NOTE: I say this many times in many different ways, but it’s always worth repeating: The experiences in this book with specific medications are my experiences. They have little if anything to do with how you might respond to the same drugs. In that regard, I tend to avoid forums and chat rooms where people talk about their experiences. A comment that makes you feel good about what you’re taking is often followed by a comment that’s so scary you think you should stop right away. I admit it’s hard not to get hooked on those sites … we depressives tend to have addictive natures anyway … but your doctor really is the best source for up-to-date information about responses, side effects, and so on. Although, you should never hesitate to ask for a second opinion.
• Epigraph: With the caveat above, the site www.crazymeds.com deserves a bookmark on the browser of anyone involved in mental illness. A guy named Jerod Poore w
rites it, and it’s the most comprehensive, comprehensible, and irreverent presentation of psychopharmacology and prescription drugs on the web … and perhaps anywhere. This quote is right from his home page.
• The correct answer is the Red Sox.
• Kay Jamison devotes a whole chapter to the alleged suicide of Meriwether Lewis in her book Night Falls Fast. This quote is on this page.
• The reference is to Neil Young’s song, “Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black)” (1994) from the album Sleeps with Angels.
Alternative Medicine
• Epigraph: From the works of Galen, the 2ND century Roman physician who elaborated upon Hippocrates’ theory of “humors”. He was also the court physician to Emperor Marcus Aurelius, which gave him the freedom and resources to write extensively on medicine.
• Dr. Andrew Weil is one of the most famous MDs to encourage people to combine western and alternative medicines for maximum health. His first book was The Natural Mind (1972).
• Hippocrates, who lived from 460–370 BC is known as the Father of Modern Medicine. He’s most famous for his “oath” that doctors should first do no harm.
• Paracelsus was a brilliant alchemist of the sixteenth century. The idea of combining ordinary elements to make gold, however, was not the focus of true alchemists like him. Rather he combined breakthrough scientific discoveries with careful observation and traditional folk wisdom to create a new scientific and medical paradigm that, while incorporating some traditional folk wisdom, went far beyond mere “superstition.”
• Dr. Patricia Slagle now offers her book The Way Up From Down (1994) as a free eBook: http://www.thewayup.com/ebook/ebook.htm. It really is a great way to learn about why/how vitamins, minerals, amino acids and herbs can affect your mental health. She also offers newsletters on her site and phone consultations.
• The quote from the Dalai Lama is at http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/the-dalai-lama-and-depression-treatment. As an aside: I’m kind of surprised he said it and I hope I’m not quoting it out of context. Of course he’s right: compassion is a great friend during times of great stress. But, as I say in another place, to ask someone in the throes of mania to feel compassion can be like asking someone who’s color-blind to see red.
Self-Medication
• Epigraph: Cookie Monster’s favorite cookie is chocolate chip, although oatmeal comes in a close second. An obvious binge eater, Cookie Monster also shows clear signs of “Pica” (DSM-IV 307.52), which involves eating things that are not food, as well as memory lapses that might indicate Disassociative Fugue (300.13). Thanks to Louise Finley’s website for helping me clarify some of the fine points of this diagnosis. http://www.louisefinley.com/?cat=18.
• This paraphrase of Dylan is from “Just Like Tom Thumbs Blues” on Highway 61 Revisited.
Who Knows?
• Epigraph: One of Socrates’ most famous. From Plato’s Apology. No one seems to know for sure whether Socrates actually existed. That’s another thing that at least I know I do not know.
• The costs I used to analyze the difference between treating someone with antidepressants versus hospitalization are based on several sources, primarily http://www.cms.hhs.gov/Outreach-and-Education/Medicare-Learning-Network-MLN/MLNProducts/downloads//InpatientPsychFac.pdf which gives the federal per diem base rate for 2012 and http:consumerreports.org/health/best-buy-drugs/antidepressants.htm for the typical retail prices.
• Robert Whitaker, the author of Anatomy of an Epidemic (2010) also wrote Mad in America (2002). The wide variation between various statistical analyses as well as their cognitive dissonance with personal experiences can be pretty confounding. As I discuss later in the book, I suspect that a great deal is due to the subjectivity of when a condition of mental imbalance becomes one of mental illness, as well as what it means to be cured.
• The William Blake quote comes from his The Marriage of Heaven and Hell (1790-1793).
Visible Means of Support
• Epigraph: I seem to be “afflicted” with a Quixotic drive to find the true source of any quote I use; especially because the Internet has become filled with quotes that were spliced together to serve someone’s purpose, taken totally out of context, or were never said by the person in the first place! I’ve made an exception in this case. I’ve looked unsuccessfully for a film, interview, or letter in which Marilyn Monroe actually said this. Regardless, it’s such a great expression of how depressives feel, I hope she doesn’t mind my attributing it to her …
• The story about brain scans that my friend told me was based on the work of Dr. Daniel Amen, http://www.amenclinics.com.
• The comments about talking to children about a parent’s depression come from an email correspondence with Caroline Carr, http://www.carolinecarr.com.
Married to the Madness
• Epigraph: From Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.
Therapy
• Epigraph: From The Self in Transformation (1965) by Herbert Fingarette. This book, which explores the relationship between personal growth and spirituality was a staple of psychology and religion curricula when I was in college.
• You can find more about my writing about historical characters on www.davidblistein.com.
Strange Obsessions and Glimmers of Light
• Epigraph: Polonius says this about Hamlet in Act 2, Scene 2, after one of the Prince’s most eloquent pieces of triple-entendre imagery.
• Here in Vermont, stealing rocks from walls is charged the same as theft. But across the river from us in New Hampshire, there’s a law that specifically says you can be fined three times the costs of rebuilding the wall, plus attorney’s fees. It’s an update of a 200-year-old law. See http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/n.h._ups_ante_for_stone_wall_thieves_new_law_provides_for_attorney_fees.
• I’m pleased and proud to say that my little arched bridge survived Hurricane Irene in 2011, one of southern Vermont’s worst storms in decades.
• I’ve mentioned our late neighbor Dwight Miller a couple of times. See http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2008/08/obituary_dwight.html for a brief bio. Among other things, he’s known for being one of the founders of Brattleboro, Vermont’s annual Strolling of the Heifers (www.strollingoftheheifers.com), which has become a major celebration of locally-grown food.
HEAVEN ON EARTH
• I’m paraphrasing Elvis Costello’s “(The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes” from his album My Aim is True.
The Labyrinth
• Epigraph: Paul Reps (1895-1990) was one of the key figures in bringing Zen Buddhism to the West. His Zen Flesh Zen Bones (1957) was one of the very first books about Zen Buddhism published in America. The quote itself comes from Reps: Letters to a Friend, a compilation of letters and drawings that Reps sent to his equally enlightened friend William Segal over the course of their 30-year friendship. I knew both men and, in the late 1970s Segal gave his collection of Reps’ correspondence to some friends and myself. We self-published the book in 1980.
• The very unofficial “world record” for running an 11-circuit labyrinth is held by the much-loved Keith Wilson (1985–2009).
• For details on ways to find true north just like a real Boy Scout, see the nearest Boy Scout handbook or go to http://boyslife.org/outdoors/outdoorarticles/1739/true-north.
PARADISE
Miracle of Miracles
• Epigraph: The Jane Kenyon (1947-1995) lines are from her poems “The Suitor” and “Credo.” Both are included in Otherwise: New & Selected Poems. (1996). By the way, one of the conditions of reprinting these lines is that they are flush left as she wrote them.
• R. D. Laing’s line about insanity being the only sane response to an insane world is from his seminal The Politics of Experience (1967).
• Kurt Vonnegut’s quote is from his book of short stories Welcome to the Monkey House (1968).
• Akira Kurasawa’s quote is spoken by the character Kyoami in his film Ran (1985).
&n
bsp; Crazy Wisdom and Creativity
• Epigraph: Edgar Allen Poe’s quote is from the short story “Eleonora” (1842). Harriet Rubin’s quote comes from her book Dante in Love (2004).
• Of Mice and Men (1937) is by John Steinbeck.
• The story about Ram Dass giving Maharaji some LSD is in Be Here Now. Originally, it was a boxed set with a booklet, poster, and twine-tied book on rough paper put together in 1970 by the Lama Foundation in New Mexico, one of the first spiritual communes in America. Over the last forty years, I’ve left a lot of books and records behind in various places. But this is the only one I really regret losing track of. Not because its rare-book value—but because so much of my late adolescent yearning for enlightenment was psychically imprinted in my copy. When it came out, shortly thereafter, as a one-volume paperback, distributed by Crown Publishers, it cost $3.33. It is still in print, now published by the Hanuman Foundation.
• The story of Huxley doing LSD on his deathbed is told by his wife Laura in her book This Timeless Moment (2000). His last words are probably counter-cultural urban legend.
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