by Hunter Blain
Movement caught my eye and I saw the military was frantically turning around to face the obviously more substantial threat. I was actually kind of jealous. No one likes rejection!
Three cannons atop transport trucks were slowly pivoting around to aim at the demon lord, who paid them no mind. His eyes were set on his target, and I followed their path to see Depweg.
Joey was on the ground, bleeding from several massive wounds as Depweg stood over him, about to deliver the final blow.
“NOOO!” I screamed before I noticed that Depweg had paused before the strike. Hope bloomed in my core as I knew he had recognized his packmate, Joey. “There’s hope yet,” I whispered.
The universe has a funny way of taking what you said and making the opposite happen, dunnit?
Depweg began to bring his deadly hand down in a fatal strike as something yanked at our collective attention.
Thump. Thump. Thump, sounded in the distance as the demon lord bellowed in challenge and fury. His cry made me feel like my head was in a vise and someone was using crowbars inside either ear to try and split my head open. My hands shot up, dropping Mjolnir back to my side, and I began falling to the ground, uncaring of anything except making that pain in my brain stop.
I willed bloodearplugs into my canals and reoriented on the situation as I fell.
The military had stopped firing, and Depweg was on his knees holding his sensitive werewolf ears as Asmodeus stopped his auditory onslaught.
I landed in a superhero pose, with my trench flaps wafting down into place around me. It was so cool to do that, damn what Deadpool had to say about it.
After a few moments, I healed the knee that I had landed on and popped both my hips back into place while letting my spine decompress with teeth-jarring cracks.
“Damn Marvel movies. Someone should sue them for setting unrealistic expectations.”
I got to my feet with a groan and stumbled over to where Joey lay, unconscious. I placed my hands over his wounds, blasted my blood out of my palms, and healed him as best I could before the feral wolf regained his senses.
“Come on, COME ON!” I said with complete calmness and not at all on the verge of an anxiety-driven breakdown.
Copious red drool dripped into my hair before sliding down my forehead and into my beard.
“Gro-ho-hossss!” I cried out as I turned around to see the massive wolf looming over me. In a crouched position, I barely came up to his knees.
I focused on my left hand, which I kept in front of my chest, and willed blood to fill the appendage and swell it to the size of a lunch box.
Depweg brought a massive clawed hand back in a telegraph of a strike, and I moved at preternatural speeds to punch my Hulk hand directly into the wolf’s ample torso.
Blood exploded from my fist, but still had the desired effect as the feral beast went sailing head over heels for several yards.
The loss of energy stunned me, and my fist’s momentum dragged me to the floor with a thud in my stiff-as-a-board state.
“Okay. Learned something new today,” I groaned to myself as my hand began stitching itself back together. It looked like the aftermath of an exploded water balloon.
Depweg was back on his feet, roaring his rage and ready to charge. He kneeled, screaming into the sky while his humanoid hands flexed surgically sharp claws. My blood covered his torso, matting his fur.
I recovered and raised myself up to my knees. I risked a glance over my shoulder and saw that Asmodeus had turned the military vehicles into molten metal that glowed fiercely in the night and cast ominous shadows against the demon lord. They looked like glow in the dark Legos at a child’s feet.
Turning back to my best friend, I shouted, “Depweg! We don’t have time for this. You see that freaking thing!” I pointed with my index finger. “It’s coming to kill you!”
The wolf’s yellow eyes flicked to the demon lord and back to me, snarling as he did. A strand of drool dangled from his maw.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it, dude! You can take on anyone. But be real! We are here to save you.” My voice softened. “Joey and I are here to save you, man.”
The wolf shifted on his feet, momentarily unsure.
“Jonathan Depweg, you FIGHT that beast inside you. Marines don’t give up, do they?!”
Joey whimpered behind me. I could smell the blood in the air and knew he was still leaking. Taking a chance, I turned my back and crouched next to the were, placing a hand on his wounds to continue the healing process. I knew Depweg wouldn’t attac—
A clawed hand raked down my back. My trench prevented the claws from breaking through, but it still freaking hurt.
From where I crouched, I sprang backward, launching my body into the surprised wolf. I turned in midair as we flew, grabbed Depweg’s shoulders while setting my feet into his chest, and kicked off him as he hit the ground.
Bones shattered in his chest as he hit and tumbled away, flinging up earth like a dirt bike as he carved a path through the ground that was several inches deep.
I flipped in the air and landed on my feet. My head shot to where Asmodeus was making his way over to us, a determined expression on his face.
“Fffffffuuuuuuuck,” I screamed through my teeth, unsure of my next move. “Think, John. THINK!” I cried out, which did not make things easier, let me tell you.
“Okay, okay.” I closed my eyes for a moment and took a steadying breath. “Asmo will be here soon. Depweg can’t regain control over his predatory self. Joey is bleeding out. Which do I take care of first?”
Depweg answered the question for me as he came bounding through the fog of dust and dirt he had artfully crafted with his body.
I held up both hands, palms out, and screamed, “WHOA THERE!” which Depweg surprisingly obeyed. He stopped just in front of me, ribs popping back into place as he heaved angry breaths that smelled like a busy butcher shop. I was vaguely aware his healing factor had noticeably increased in his feral state.
“Hey, big guy. Sun’s getting real low,” I said in my best Scar-Jo impression. Depweg responded by screaming into my face, coating my upper half in drool. Once he was done, I stood frozen, spitting out the saliva that had gotten into my mouth while rubbing my eyes with my shirt. “Dude, the hell? I thought you loved The Avengers.”
Depweg’s yellow eyes, which had a red tinge to them, flashed their normal brown for a nanosecond.
Hope tickled the back of my neck.
“Dude, I know you’re in there. Fight the beast and come back to us. Look,” I turned to Joey, who was trying to get to his feet, “Joey’s alive. Lolth didn’t get him, man, and he needs his pack leader. He lost Dawson…He can’t lose you too.”
At this, Depweg turned to land his gaze on Joey, and the bud of recognition that had been planted when he first laid eyes on the black wolf blossomed into fractured understanding. His frame seemed to diminish slightly as he returned his eyes to fixate on me. He let out a whine as he tilted his head in confusion.
“Yeah, man. And what’s more, I found something out for you. The kid, you know the kid from the village, his name was—” I was cut off as the dark night became as bright as day. I turned and saw two balls of hellfire rocketing toward us, crackling the sky and turning the sand to glass as they flew over it.
Without thinking, Mjolnir came into my hand. I slammed it on the ground, focused on the terrain, and then hefted it into the sky with a roar of effort. The ground behind where Joey was hobbling toward us burst upward in a wall of earth ten feet thick. Once it was the size of a football field, I turned toward Depweg, “We gotta get out of he—” But he was already gone, disappearing back into the city.
“Lilith damn it!” I cried as I turned back to grab Joey and then took a slipstream away from Asmodeus, who bellowed in fury as his attack ate into my wall, turning it into a river of lava that fell to the ground. It continued to spill into the city and melted entire houses, huts, grocery stores, and trees as if they were cotton candy set into a pool of
water. Street by street the city fell, and I knew my brother was in there, running for his life.
“Fuck!” I cried out as I canceled the stream, sprouted wings, and turned to face the city. I held the mighty hammer to the sky, closed my eyes, and focused on what I had to do.
Clouds roiled and came together, growing taller, like when you put too much liquid in a bubble bath and…I, uh, I mean, not that. Pfft, I don’t take bubble baths, only showers with cold beer spewing from the showerhead. Anyway, the clouds came together and, all at once, released their payload. Cold water rained on the city in a monsoon that slowed the rampant hellfire. Arcs of electricity and rolling thunder fractured the sky.
I let Mjolnir give me the sight of the gods, and I searched for Depweg. A pulsing yellow aura caught my attention and I squinted to focus. There, just past the edge of the city and hauling ass toward the mountains in the distance, was my best friend. Relief washed over me like a torrent of rain over hellfire—or, you know, some better metaphor.
I oriented my body on Depweg and was about to use Mjolnir to try and catch up with him when a massive hand swatted me from the sky.
“Joey!” I cried out as the wolf tumbled away. The world around me was spinning so fast that I wasn’t able to perceive which way was up. The black wolf grew smaller in my vision with each rotation as the wind whistled feverishly in my ears, blotting out all other sound.
Something wrapped around me, and I thought the earth had swallowed me whole. That was until I pushed against the crushing enclosure and was alarmed to feel hot, leathery skin.
The bones in my feet and legs cracked as understanding dawned; he was going to crush me to death. I was the size of a pencil eraser in his hands, and I became aware that I was between the folds in his palm. Though I was sure I could survive my body being emulsified, I wasn’t confident of my chances if my brain was squeezed out like toothpaste.
I brought a hand to my chest and willed a gladius in front of me, which I plunged into the demon lord’s skin. Well, that’s what I would like to say happened. The annoying truth was, my manifestation couldn’t pierce the hide of the monster.
“Um, shit?” I wheezed out as the hand continued to close around me.
Without telling my arm to do so, my hand reached behind me and grabbed the hilt of my cold-iron katana and pulled. The weapon refused to be pulled free, as I was already in the clutches of the hand-o-canda serpent from Hell and was moments away from having the life squeezed out of me.
“Fuck, this is gonna hurt,” I wheezed as the rest of the air in my lungs was forced out.
I extended my hand with my fingers tight against one another and willed a bloodblade to form around my hand and fingertips. Pushing the edge of the blade into my chest, I gritted my teeth and pushed through my sternum, doing my best to miss my internal organs. I was wrong about my earlier statement; this fucking hurt. Warm liquid ran down my cheeks, and I wasn’t sure if it was tears or blood.
My hand continued to push until my wrist was touching exposed ribs. Once I felt my spine, I let the manifestation retract and grabbed my own vertebrae before asking myself if being crushed to death would really be all that bad in comparison to what I was about to do. My friends flashed in my mind like a photograph of a BBQ turning into a slow-motion movie to accentuate the emotions. Everyone had stupid smiles on their faces as they laughed at some unheard joke. I was pantomiming jerking off with my eyes crossed, making everyone all but fall over laughing with my comedic genius. Depweg was spitting out a Pabst Blue Ribbon while Ludvig began choking on an oversized mouthful of meat. Lilith damn it, I had to save them.
With my vertebrae in hand, I yanked forward and pulled my spinal column through my chest, breaking the rest of my sternum and collarbones as I did.
As intended (or should I say hoped), my upper body flopped forward and I let go of my protruding spine to reach for the hilt of the katana. I absently noticed my hips and legs no longer hurt.
Now that I was folded in on myself, I was better able to yank the cold-iron sword free with a satisfying shwing.
With no time to spare, I pushed the tip of the blade into a random direction and pierced through the demon’s flesh as if it were made of cellophane.
There was a muffled roar, and the immense pressure that had been about to pop my cranium released, only to be replaced with the sensation of falling.
As quickly as I could, I used my free hand to push my spine back into place while focusing on healing my broken bones. Pins and needles shot down my back and into my lower half like a horde of puppies seeking belly scratches and kibble.
“Weird!” I cried out before the breath was once again expelled from my poor lungs. I’d really have to take up smoking and then quit just so they could know how good they had it.
My chest stitched itself closed while my legs filled back out as the energy meter flashed a warning that I was running near empty again. I was really going to have to sit down after this and figure out just how much energy it took to heal my various wounds. These last couple of weeks (not counting my time in Faerie) had seen me heal all kinds of crazy shit, and I had no idea how much energy it took to complete the act. The more I thought about it, the more I understood that I had never been as damaged as I had been since Locke had issued the command to stay out of Satan’s way. Lilith, my life really should be a Hu-flix show, or maybe Disney if they let it be R-rated like Deadpool.
As I looked up with unfocused eyes, I became alarmingly aware that the stars were disappearing directly above me.
“Huh?” was all I could get out before the outline of a huge foot became apparent based on how the sky was being swallowed. “SHIT!” I cried out as I swung the katana across my body. An arc of energy lanced out and cut through the descending foot. The universe shone through the cut as the demon lord bellowed in pain.
“Lilith, is that all you can say?!” I shouted at the reeling demon, who stumbled backward with flaming eyes that locked onto his mangled foot. “Roar! I’m Asmodeus! Look at me, everyone! I have a vast vocabulary! Roar!” I yelled as I climbed to my feet and patted the dirt off my coat with my free hand before peering up at my furious enemy.
“Now, where’s your damn bos—” I was interrupted by blackened skeleton hands jutting from the ground to latch onto my legs. With a yelp, I tried to run backward by bringing my knees up to my chest and was rewarded by tripping and falling onto my muscular ass. More magically enhanced appendages burst from the earth to clasp onto my thighs and arms, pulling me the rest of the way to the dirt. Two more hands reached around my face and dug boney fingers into my eyes while two more began pulling at my lips.
“NOOOO!” I shouted as my eyeballs exploded in their sockets (again, dammit) and my face began to rip. Blackness filled my vision as fear billowed up my core and into my mind, making me start to panic.
I tried to move the sword around in an arc, but a hand held my wrist tight against the ground, providing me absolutely no leverage. How the fuck were these things so strong? I should have no problem with skeletons! Lilith, I took back every mean thing I had ever said about the crappy movies from the sixties and seventies with Claymation skeleton bad guys.
An idea came to mind—or rather a reflex—and Mjolnir filled my empty sockets with electric orbs. The skeletons screeched in surprise as they pulled back before disappearing under the surface.
I willed the hammer into my free hand and focused on creating a shield of static electricity over my entire body.
Please don’t fry yourself. Please don’t fry yourself, I repeated as I released my built-up will and sent a violent wave of energy over my skin. It had the desired effect.
The skeleton hands that held me down exploded while the remaining bits of boney arms retreated under the surface.
While dry heaving, I coughed up bone fragments that had fallen in my mouth and tried to roll over. Something was still holding my arms down and I lifted my head to see the hands grasping around my coat had been unaffected. I’d have to remember
that.
With my wrist freed, I lifted my sword hand and reached the tip across my body, cutting into the skeleton that held me at the elbow. I was careful to not pierce my own flesh, as I wasn’t sure what would happen. The skeleton hand went limp immediately and I yanked my arm free to slam my hammer down on the last remaining foe that held my right elbow. It crumbled to dust and I clambered away on all fours as I attempted to get to my feet, tripping as I did. I almost lost my sword before reinforcing my grip on it while letting Mjolnir fly back to my hip to free at least one hand for balance.
Once again patting off the dirt on my coat, I looked up to see Asmodeus looking at me. He was just—staring—without moving or saying anything. It was super fucking creepy.
“Wh-what?” I asked loudly so he could hear.
With a voice that sounded like gravel on gravel inside of an amphitheater, Asmodeus said, “My master has plans for you, abomination.”
The ground rumbled around me, with little pebbles dancing in the sand creating paths where they skidded. Though it was odd to admit, I also felt it in my balls, which had decided to give the world outside my pelvic cavity another chance. They seemed to like the vibrations.
With a grossed-out scowl, I brought my legs closer together to limit the pulsations of my nether region and called back, “I don’t give a shit what Silver wants, ASS-modeus.”
“Not the puny warlock. My true master.” His words were purposeful and exact, revealing a depth to this terrifying monster that made him all the scarier to me. As his words pierced my mind, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end in an attempt to flee, as if they could somehow pull me in the direction away from my opponent.
Knowing I wasn’t going to get the answer I was looking for but not seeing any harm, I asked, “What does he want?”
Asmodeus regarded me for a few moments before the mist that encompassed his skull slowly etched itself into an eerie smile.
A motion at the bottom of my vision caught my attention, and I looked on in horror as the part of the demon’s foot I had cut off sprouted insect legs and began skittering toward its master. The two pieces smooshed together and the foot became whole once again as the insect legs retracted.
