by Hunter Blain
“Ah,” I said, looking up at the ceiling as I took in what Locke was saying. “Then what are you?” I asked looking at him, curious to hear his answer.
“Me?” Locke asked, the simple question taking him by surprise. “I’m that guy in Office Space that was fired but kept getting paychecks because of an HR glitch.”
“Milton? I love that guy,” I said as the water in Depweg’s bathroom was shut off.
“Well, I mean, everyone does. He is the childlike view of the typical office job in America.”
The front door opened, causing Locke and me to sit upright and turn jerkily. Ludvig and Magni came in, with the large Swede holding a ridiculous number of plastic bags with “Thank You” written all over them.
“I see he’s a one-trip kinda guy,” I said as I turned back to Locke. Tim had climbed up my chest and stood on my shoulder with his front paws on the head cushion, barking as Ludvig came in.
“Oh! Hello dere, guys!” Ludvig called out jovially.
“Hey,” Locke and I said in unison as the giant man dropped all the bags on the counter. In direct contrast, Magni gingerly set the few bags he had on the remaining space. I assumed he had the glass items, if there were any.
“What’s going on?” Ludvig asked as he walked into the living room and patted my shoulder. Tim scrambled over my head and began barking excitedly at the Swede, his tail swatting right into my beanieless head over and over at high speeds.
“Aw man, my beanie,” I whispered as I ran a hand through my black hair. It was tangled from the wind and had dirt in it from our battles. The thought of losing the gift Da had given me weighed impossibly heavy on my positive mood, plunging it into the depths of darkness.
“Give me a min,” I told the room as I abruptly stood up and went into my room, aggressively removed my clothing, and got into the shower as if it was the cure to all that ailed me. I washed the dirt off while letting the water cascade down my face as I considered everything that had happened, and would happen. I forced my train of thought to change rails and focus on the now.
How do you dethrone a CEO? Either have the shareholders do it or convince the other members of the board to overthrow him. Either way, no easy task.
“What would that even solve?” I asked with water going into my mouth as I spoke aloud. Spitting the excess out, I refocused my thoughts on removing Silver from the chessboard entirely. Murder was the best choice, and a personal favorite.
After a few more minutes of letting the water wash over me, I turned off the shower and stepped out. With a black cotton towel, I dried off and looked at myself in the mirror. I guess the water had been on the hot side because the glass was fogged over.
Placing a hand on the glass, I froze as an irrational fear consumed my thoughts. With hesitation, I forced myself to swipe my palm down the mirror and remove the condensation to see myself staring back. Purple eyes regarded me in the reflection, and I let out the breath I had been holding. I wasn’t sure why being mortal scared me anymore, as I had been just that while in Faerie for more than six months. Maybe it was the thought of being my most vulnerable self in a time when I needed to be the strongest version of myself.
My mind flashed violently to a container amidst identical chests on the shelves under Valenta’s Saloon.
I shook my head once, hard, to clear my thoughts. My mouth was salivating at the mental image of the contents that the box contained, at the way the container called out to me. A cross comprised of blood and ash was prominent on the chest piece, further signifying its uniqueness to me and me alone.
“Da,” I exhaled as I brought a fist up to my mouth in an attempt to staunch the sobs that were trying to claw their way up my throat. The armor was mine. Why shouldn’t I wear it? I could walk in the sun and summon my very own flaming gladius.
Wait.
I looked in the control room of my mind and noticed the
Puzzle Box was right where I had left it. With a dubious eyebrow arch, I returned my consciousness to my body and finished drying off, making it a point not to look into the eyes of the man in the mirror.
Grabbing a comb, I walked into my bedroom while working the tangles out of my hair. I hadn’t realized how much the beanie helped keep my mane under control until now. The thin layer of dampness on my skin began to evaporate as anger surged in my chest like a determined ocean against a rock cliff. I could feel my eyes shift as I thought about the night Da had given me my gray beanie, right here in this very room.
Closing my eyes, I took lung-stretching, steadying breaths while I wrestled with my own emotional ineptitude. With Baleius under wraps, my anger was my own; a different demon I hadn’t acknowledged because blame had been placed squarely on another. With the literal demon inside my head imprisoned within the Puzzle Box, I understood how my neglect had provided strength to my rage. I would have to learn how to control the beast that rattled the same cage as every other person on Earth, though I was basically starting at ground zero.
An image of Da smiling at me froze in my mind, and I focused on controlling the building fire that threatened to consume everything, including my soul. It hinted at how much easier things would be if I just…let go.
“Three, two, one; one, two, three, what the heck is bothering me,” I chanted to myself. It took a few tries for my fury to subside as the ocean tide receded, leaving behind a panting and worried rock cliff.
A crunch sounded, breaking me from my thoughts, and I looked down to see the plastic comb I had been using was now in several pieces. I opened my hand and regarded the comb with indifference, walked over to the wastebasket and dropped the black plastic pieces in. I also threw my shirt and jeans into the trash before grabbing a fresh set. Locke, or someone, had ordered me several replacements while I was in Mexico. How very thoughtful of my minion.
Minion? The fuck was going on inside me? They were my friends, damn it!
“Grrrrrrr!” I forcibly exhaled through my teeth as I clenched my fists. I could feel the hot fury inside me traveling down my limbs as if it were trying to slip my skin on like a suit.
My mind was a churning ocean of conflicting emotions, raging in the blood-black darkness of my mind. Standing in the middle, unaffected by the voluminous waves, was Da. He was in his human size.
He regarded me quietly with a half-smile and warm eyes while he stood with his hands confidently clasped behind his back. I appeared in front of him in my mind, and the waves diminished in their unforgiving intensity.
“I…I still need you, Da. Why’d you leave me, man?” I asked with blurring eyes and quivering lip.
Da just stared at me, letting his half smile grow into a full grin as his eyes told me a novel’s worth of information with their warmth and depth.
The waters around me calmed to waves that barely swelled as they passed underfoot.
“You said you’d always be with me, even if you weren’t here,” I said, feeling my shaking lip begin to still as if mirroring the waves around us.
Da beamed at me, nodded once, and pulled a hand from around his back to gently place it on my shoulder. I could barely feel the pressure of it, it was so soft, but the warmth spread over me like the light from the sun in the blackened universe of my soul.
The waves went as smooth as glass, leaving Da and me standing atop our perfect reflections. As I looked down, my doppelgänger stared back at me with fangs that were too long, bat like ears, and red eyes. My eyes switched to Da’s reflection and saw that it matched perfectly the man standing on top.
I shot my confused gaze to the man standing before me and said, “I don’t understand.”
There was a blur underneath, and I glanced down to see the last of Da’s image get sucked up into the man on top.
Letting my eyes drift from where Da’s reflection had been to the demon who stood directly opposite me, I felt something click into place.
My face shot up to see Da was gone and I was alone in the vast expanse of the glassy ocean that was my mind. Thunder rumbled in t
he distance at being alone. Even Baleius was no longer at my feet. Only my own reflection stared back at me.
“I miss you, Da,” I said just below a whisper as I pulled out of my mind and back into my body.
I picked up my trench, feeling a renewed love for the coat after seeing Da, even if it had only been a mental projection. After I slipped it on, I swallowed the icy feeling of raw emotions and forced a happy face.
8
I walked back into the living room where everyone was sitting, including Joey. He was rubbing his eyes while stifling a yawn.
“Good nap?” I asked him, who simply shrugged his shoulders in answer.
“How long do you think we have?” Locke asked me, cutting the pleasantries short. I wanted to get mad at him, but it was a sensible thing to do. Truth was, I wanted to get mad at anything and everything for some reason I couldn’t fully explain. But I was already emotionally drained enough that my anger decided to call in sick; it was just plain worn out.
“Judging by how fast the big sombitch could move, a few nights at most. Silver could be here anytime, though.” I waved my fingers around like a dramatic magician to emphasize my point before making my way to my chair.
“We need to set a trap,” Joey said flatly.
“A trap for what?” Ludvig asked from the kitchen. “Trapping is what I do.”
“Pfft,” I let out. “Not something like this you don’t, big guy.”
“If I recall, I set a pretty good trap for you,” Ludvig countered. I could hear the stupid smile on his face. I wanted to punch his square head for that.
“Mayhaps you did, and mayhaps you didn’t.”
“We totally did,” Magni interjected.
“Alright, alright. You got me purty good. What do you want, a damn cookie?”
“Did someone say ‘cookie’?” Ludvig asked like a puppy who had just heard the word “walk” or “treat.”
“Easy there, Viking. We have villages to pillage first!” I turned my head over my shoulder to see Lude’s reaction, who first appeared to replay my message in his head, then looked down at me with an expression that said, “Really?”
“He, he, he,” I breathed out, feeling a little better now that I had gotten the best of him. I turned back to Locke and Joey before saying, “So, what will we use as bait for said trap?”
At the question, the room grew silent before a voice that was not to be second-guessed said, “Me.”
Everyone in the room turned to see a fully-dressed Depweg with a white towel over his shoulders. He was cleaning out his ears as he stood, daring anyone to question his decision on who would be bait.
I lowered my head and closed my eyes, slightly nodding my head.
“No!” Joey insisted, turning to the room to search for anyone to back him up. No one did.
“It has to be me,” Depweg said flatly.
“He’s right,” I confirmed barely above a whisper, feeling as if each word cost me precious life energy to say aloud. I was condemning my friend to his death if we couldn’t come up with something good.
“What’s going on?” Ludvig asked as he entered the living room. Magni stayed in the kitchen, putting away the remainder of the groceries as quietly as he could while straining to hear us.
I caught him up on the situation with Asmodeus and Grand Master Silver.
“Oh, sh-shit,” Lude said with a gaping mouth and unfocused eyes.
Something tugged at my consciousness and I looked inward to see if I could locate the nagging sensation. I found it and wondered why I hadn’t told anyone about the end coming in five years. My eyes flew to Joey, who was staring at me with a scowl, and I knew he was thinking the same thing. I slowly nodded my head in a gesture that was almost imperceptible unless you were looking for it. Joey answered by squinting his eyes for the briefest of moments and returning his face to neutrality—which meant resting dick face. It’s like resting bitch face, but for dudes. Poor guy had a long road ahead of him after Dawson, though I was confident he would pull himself out of the ditch he had carved for himself.
“John!” Locke called out, pulling my attention from within my mind.
“Hmm? What about Blockbuster?”
Locke put his hand on his forehead, taking in a deep breath. As if very tired all of a sudden, Locke asked, “What are we going to do about Asmodeus and Grand Master Silver?”
“Right,” I said, clapping my hands and rubbing my palms together. “I don’t know.”
“From what you told us, Asmodeus is reliant on de warlock to remain on dis plane, yes?” Ludvig inquired as he put his massive hands on his hips.
“Right,” Locke and I answered in unison.
“Jinx!” I said to Locke. “You owe me a blowjo-ohhh. I’m gonna have to watch the gay jokes now, aren’t I?”
“Night. Stand,” Locke said between tight lips.
I decided to take the power away from Locke and fall on the blade. Turning to the group, I proclaimed, “Lily pegged me with a strap-on, once.”
“More than once, lover,” Lily said from beside me.
“EEEEEEEEEE!” I cried out in a pitch that could shatter glass. She leaned over, kissed my cheek, and then moved to sit on the couch closest to me. “Lily,” I greeted, clearing my throat. Tim barked and then growled at Lily in warning. She winked at him, playfully.
“I’m sorry, maybe dis is because I’m Swedish, but how does butt stuff have anyfing to do wif de trap?” Lude asked, shaking his head in confusion.
Locke began to laugh silently where he sat, covering his eyes with his hand as his mouth hung open. He sucked in air, and filled the room with his maniacal laughter. Lily began to titter while trying to cover her mouth, as did Magni from the kitchen. Hell, even Joey smiled. Depweg just looked at the ground, shaking his head in embarrassment for me while Lude stood there, trying to comprehend what was going on.
“Hate you guys,” I pouted as I crossed my arms and lowered myself on the chair so I was basically lying on the seat with my butt almost hanging off. This made everyone, including Joey, laugh harder. Ludvig began laughing, infected by the group like a contact high. My eyes shot to Depweg and I sent a message that said, “Don’t you DARE.” He responded by doing THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED. Leaning against the wall, Depweg began a throaty chuckle that was basically his equivalent of a normal person kicking and thrashing on the ground in mirth.
After a few minutes of agony, the room grew silent. Then that insolent Locke began a full-force laughing riot again, causing all the other dominoes to follow suit.
“Alright! We get it!” I huffed, trying to shush the group who had tears streaming down their faces. “Keep it up and I’ll give my Glock a blowjob and start the apocalypse, then we’ll see who’s laughing!”
At the severity of my overreach, the room’s laughter was turned from sixty to zero like hitting the emergency brake, until it died completely.
“You’re just like the A-bomb. Everybody’s laughing, having a good time, then bam. Dead,” Locke said.
“Don’t you quote Aqua Teen Hunger Force at me, young man, or I’m gonna tell Mom what you were doing on her couch!”
“It’s my couch, and I’ll do as I please,” he said, crossing his arms and turning his head away from me.
“Why? What did he do?” Lily asked, scooting closer to the edge and away from Locke.
“Don’t worry about what he did, sweet, sweet, funny Lily. Instead, you should worry about the blood you’re sitting on,” I goaded.
Lily stood up, craned her head to look at her firm backside, sighed, and then snapped her fingers. All her clothes disappeared in an instant, leaving her completely naked for all to see.
Depweg lowered his eyes respectfully as Ludvig rushed to cover Magni’s.
“Hey! I’m old enough!” Magni protested as he fought to remove Ludvig’s lunch box–sized hand from his face.
Another snap, and fresh clothing appeared on Lily’s frame. She moved to sit on the arm of my chair, pressing her warm
body into me. She looked at me with eyes that I noticed seemed to have changed color. Instead of being blue or purple, they were a dark green that teased my heartstrings with their intensity.
“Yup. I’m totally not gay,” Locke whispered, adjusting his pants before crossing his legs.
I just looked at Lily with a crinkled brow.
“What?” she asked coyly. “You aren’t jealous, are you, lover?”
Ah, shit. I was.
“No. Of course not. But we have bigger fish to fry right now, don’t we, fellas.”
Everyone nodded in agreement except Magni, who yelled, “I don’t!”
I could hear Ludvig whispering something in his ear in an aggressive tone, then Magni stopped fighting and went slack, shoulders hunched.
“Fine!” Magni cried out as he turned and continued putting away the copious amount of groceries.
“Aren’t you, like, twenty or something yet, kid? Go watch some damn porn or something. Get that libido under control.”
“Don’t listen to him. Porn is bad,” Ludvig countered quietly.
I craned my neck and lifted an eyebrow before deciding to let it go. I had figured that giant of a man would be all about naked womenses on the interwebs.
Lily started running her fingers through my long hair, which caused an army of goose bumps to spring to life across my skin like the undead at a cemetery in any zombie movie. I had to fight the urge to moan as her fingers glided across my skull.
“Oh, where’s your beanie?” she purred as she tussled my exposed hair.
The goose bumps retreated in an instant as my skin heated up, fueled by the building hurt and anger that snaked through my limbs like sprouting tree limbs. I sucked in air and bared my teeth as the scene played in the theater of my mind with perfect clarity.
“That fucker, Silver,” I breathed out with a low, gravelly voice. My fangs extended, and I could feel my eyes shift as the room became clearer. I could smell the groceries being put away and the plastic bags that contained them. Even Depweg’s soap was distinguishable as my body went full predator mode.
“Easy, eeeeasy there, lover. We can get you another one,” Lily tried to console me as she placed a hand against my head and attempted to press it against her body. I resisted without telling my body to do so.
