by Marian Unn
Chapter 7
“When I was away,” he told me, “I met a beautiful woman. Her name is Felicia. She is my wife, and she is with child.” He told me this as we rode to the palace. Apparently, he had been building it for the past few years. It was nearly complete. All that needed to be added were a few more guest rooms and perhaps a second dining quarter. It was a grand palace, I was told. Although not nearly as grand as other lords’ manors when compared in size, its quality was beyond the finest. Even the richest of kings could not afford such luxury as this palace held. I found it hard to believe that this envied place was somehow built by my peasant born son.
Upon the news of my grandchild, I could not smile either. My boy was to be a father. That is a happy event for most, and yet I could not seem to smile. “Is this your way of greeting your mother now my son?” I found some strength within my weakness, one strong enough to speak up to this creature that called itself my child. “Do you no longer know the difference between cruel and just? Do you no longer see the consequences of your actions? Do you?!”
With an unchanging countenance, he held his head high in a manner most imperious, “I know not of what you speak. Well, no, perhaps I do. If it is the matter concerning your sister and her lot, I find that there is nothing to be said on it. She is dead, and the dead can never be reborn again, or so you once told me. The only thing left of them in this world is their quickly decaying bodies, the possessions they treasured, and the people they touched. These memories we keep of them are nothing but weights that hold us down from moving on towards the future. Is that not right? Did you not once say we should look towards the future? I do. Ever since I heard those words, I have always been looking towards the future. For seven years. Seven years I have lived those words and looked towards the future. Mother, right now, my child is the future, and those who are gone from this world are of the past. There is nothing more to it. Therefore, we should talk of the future. Is that not right?”
My own words having been repeated back to me with such brutal application, I shook my head in remembrance of their cruelty. How could I have said such things to my child? What compelled me to say such deep and cold things to one so innocent? Was I not fit for such a delicate task as the raising of a child? Is this wretched man the product of the careless words I spoke to him when I myself was just a girl?
These questions danced around my mind in a tortuous bombardment. But I could not dwell on them at the moment. Merek’s relentless stare and lingering silence evidently commanded a response of me. Drawing away from my worries, my mind began a new scramble in search of a response proper enough to address the vicious man before me.
“Yes, I suppose I did say that. I said it selfishly for myself. I said such terrible things because I was hurting. I was scared of all that was happening and wanted nothing more than to relieve myself of the pain Jobel’s loss was causing me. I wanted to rid myself of it as quickly as I could. I did not think of the consequences in acting and speaking in the imprudent manner that I did. You should know that now! Though I might have said those things to you, they were always intended for me! I was telling myself these things in an attempt to run away from the fear and the pain my loss had caused me. As a mother, I am ashamed to have put such cruel thoughts into your head. I should never have said those things to you. I see now that such heavy words on a child can sway him to make even heavier mistakes as a man.”
“Your words were not mistakes, Mother! In fact, they helped me to grow. They gave me strength when I thought all was lost. I only survived because I knew the pain I experienced at that time…in that horrible place…what I saw and what they did…I knew-” He paused, and with a shuttering breath he continued in a calmer manner, “I knew that the pain would soon become the past, and I was sure I could move on from it. It was you who gave me the strength to live. The strength to-” again he trailed off.
Seeing him in this disoriented state, the error of my actions became even clearer than before. “Oh my son I was wrong! Do you not see? I should not have tried to push off my pain as I did, or forget about the past. I will never forget your father, just as I never forgot you when I thought you too had left me. Neither will I forget my family, or my parents, or anyone precious to me! Merek, is it not obvious that suffering can bring something much greater than just the strength gained from overcoming it?” He did not answer. I suspect he knew what I was to say, for he appeared to hold his breath as if awaiting my response.
“It is true that I once wanted to leave everything behind and look only to the future. In the future, I could not see worry or doubt, fear or loss. The future’s troubles were not here, and so I believed there would be no troubles in the future, and no worries of it plagued me. The thought of the future was my freedom from the pain of the present.” I took a moment to regain my composure, grasping my own hand harder to stop my trembling. “H-However, I now see that although the future may seem wondrous, it is no excuse to ignore the past and its sufferings. Suffering can give us strength, but it can also be given to someone else. It can be offered in penance to God. No suffering is for naught! The pains of our past help us to grow closer to Him. His mercy for the suffering is always great, and He-”
“You are a hypocrite, Mother,” his low voice interrupted me. “You say to draw strength from pain when you yourself are running from it. You are fleeing at this very moment from it. Do you not see yourself? You tell me there is strength in pain and to face it, when you yourself will not face it. You were running away from Father when you told me, a person left by him, to move on. You were running away from me when you moved in with your sister and her family. And now you are running away from the fact that they are dead and that I, the son you thought you’d lost, the living memory of your Jobel, the man who you know ordered your relatives death, now you run away to him. You run away to me; the person who is the true physical embodiment of all your pain.” Leaning back against the seat, he laughed for the first time. “Perhaps you are not a hypocrite then Mother. Because you must have known that by running to me, you in turn face your pain.”
Placing my hand in shock to my lips, I could not bear to meet his eyes, and yet I could not find the conviction to look away.
This truly was my fault.
“One more thing,” he said, as the bangs fell across his face. “The God you mentioned to offer all this pain up to, He will not hear your prayers. I know this for a fact. He did not hear mine nor anyone else’s. No one’s voice reached His ears. He does not care for us. He never did.”
“Merek, you are wrong,” I mumbled trembling. “You are wrong. He cares. He cares!”
“If he cared, then why did Father die?! Why did Arabella die?! Why did any of them have to suffer like animals and die like squirming worms in the dirt?! Why did I, as a mere boy, have to witness and experience the very definition of HELL-ON-EARTH?!”
I was silent.
I opened my mouth to speak but not a word could be said before Merek roared; his anger appearing to be his only emotion.
“Let me guess. It was for us to grow stronger. Stronger, right?! Then how come you only became weaker? Why was it that all you could do from then on was tremble and cry? Why was it that when you pretended to have strength, you chose to ignore the pain! You did not grow stronger from it! You grew weaker! Feebler! It is best to just stick with the better of your hypocritical philosophy! Just get rid of it! Get rid of all of the pain!” He clutched a medal that hung around his neck. “All of the hurt.” He lowered his head, his shoulders bobbing up and down with his heavy breaths. “The pain that comes from such things, though I still clearly suffer from it now, I have decided to get rid of it,” he said firmly.
In that instant, he regained his composure as the carriage door swung open.
When he nodded at the coachman, the man proceeded from his post. “That is why,” Merek whispered, his eyes ablaze with passion, “That is why I have decided to rid myself and rid the world of all things that cause pain. Everything and everyo
ne in this life that causes such a thing, I will destroy.”
Leading me from the carriage, he set a long hat upon my head and whispered for me to bow my head so that the soldiers would not see my face stained with tears. Walking past them he spoke softly. “I have already started my plans,” he said as we entered the palace. Walking through a great chamber, he pulled back a curtain at the end of it to reveal a brilliant spiral staircase. There must have been a thousand steps, but we flew up them all, his words so fast and breathtaking I lost track of time in my contemplation of them.
“I have first cast off my emotions, at least I try to. I still struggle with a few as you can see,” he glanced at me, his strong hand on my arm like a chain on a prisoner. “I found that they all have the ability to lead to pain and so I discarded them. I discovered that this is also useful in controlling men. They fear the fearless you see, it is part of how I found myself in this position. Perhaps I shall tell you more of that particular tale on a later day.”
Window and painting and window and painting, again and again, so many we passed, and his words continued.
“I then saw a need to attack and institute laws for my mission. From a Senate Chair that I’d attained through less mentionable means, I manipulated the senators and used their power for my gain. From my new position, I led the senatorial campaign that would end the war. The people loved this, of course, and I quickly saw that my growing popularity with the masses would be a great aid in my conquest. I was therefore cautious about the actions I took and the laws I dispelled or enacted. I made sure every move I made was to the growing satisfaction of the masses. After only a few quick, yet simple, moves I found myself in my current position. I abolished the threats to my power, the Senate mainly, and I used the people as my justification. The nobles were not happy about this, but I found money and unearned glory were the best ways to appease them. It was an easy task really, and so no one noticed. Not the people or nobles, no, not one of them noticed my absolute authority quickly falling into place. The King was the last step, and the easiest of them all. Poor fool died with peace of mind, naturally pointing out me, his loyal advisor, on his death bed to be the next heir. It was not a hard task to convince his failing mind to choose me, a young ambitious boy who was not unlike the ones he’d lost in war. How confused he was to see himself recover so quickly, and be dethroned and put to death by the loyal advisor he’d trusted with his kingdom.” Merek paused for a moment, his eyes flashing with the memory, then quickly continued, “Gaining my position was a very quick and easy victory indeed.”
Finally the staircase was coming to an end, but my suffocation grew stronger! The great hall I now found myself in held no windows, and its never ending twisted corridors made me very dizzy!
“Mother, I have achieved power, and so now I can achieve my dream.” He spoke slowly and yet his feet marched to a quickening rhythm that beat faster with each turn and twist we made through the dark halls. “Mother, I instituted many laws and crushed many opposing factions. And even now I am in the process of crushing one of my most prevalent enemies.” Halting at last, I had not a moment to catch my breath as he swung open two large oak doors.
“Mother, your room.” He quickly shuffled me into the magnificent room. By just a glance I could tell it was big enough to fit twenty people, maybe more! Running through the room like a child, I looked around at this magnificent space in wonder. I first spied a bed fit for any rightly acclaimed royal, tucked away behind a wall. I ran through the living area, which I did not care to admire much, but ran back upon realizing it had a fire hearth of its own! And a small library of books all arranged so perfectly with their spines straight and neat! But I could not read. And this paper and pen--these art utensils! I can neither write nor paint nor draw!
“Merek, what is all of this?!” I looked to him, flushed and in awe.
“You are to become a royal lady, Mother. You must learn all these things.”
So it is only for my role. Not out of love. “I see now.” Sitting in a chair I nodded to him.
“Yes. Now, I must finish with my words. You will not like them, Mother.” I could almost feel the crooked smile hidden beneath his cool features.
“I suppose you are to tell me the thing in which you will fight next. Your ‘greatest enemy so far’ you have said? Yes? I have a feeling I know what it is though I pray it not be so.”
“Your fears are sure, Mother. I have come to understand that your God brings one of the greatest pains upon this world. And I plan to build a world without pain. So, pray not, or you too will suffer.”
I shivered. “I knew by your previous words that you did not look kindly to God, but this is still too much! You cannot be serious about this! So many people are-”
“It is necessary!” he barked. “It is necessary for my world! For my world, not just your God but all gods must be gone! All religions! They must be silenced! Religion causes wars and a false sense of hope; it’s a method of manipulation and a threat to my power. I must be rid of them, all of them! Do you not understand? It is necessary for the nation I will build, for the world I am creating.”
My fear and my rage boiling within, I wanted to ask him: ‘And just what is your world? What is a world where there is no God? No religion? No real freedom? What is a world where the source of so many people’s hope and love is torn away from them?
In that type of world, there is nothing, absolutely nothing! It is a world of emptiness! An impossible world! You cannot force your world of emptiness onto one filled with people, people who seek love and a hope beyond themselves.
Without religion, people will look into the emptiness you offer them and seek something else to be their hope, to be their God. And they will choose something from that nothingness. Money. Pleasure. Violence. Pride. Maybe even an ordinary man, or a king. Such things will become their god, their reason for living. But when people try to find or make a god from nothingness, in the end their lives are wasted chasing after nothingness. Merek, when you take away religion and God, you take away their freedom and truth. The nothingness left behind is fed to them as truth, but, oh, what a grave thing nothingness really is. For if God is truth, and truth is everything, then the nothingness is a lie, and the nothingness is evil.’
I could not say these words. I was too taken aback by his own. And so I sat in silence as he left me.
“I’m glad you like your room, Mother, your lessons will begin tomorrow. Goodnight.”
*****
I knew. I knew then that I would have to become strong in order to survive in this new world he planned to create. And so I did become strong. But I am fearful, fearful that this strength of mine may lead me to one day become as cold and emotionless as him.
Dear God, can you save me? Will you save this world he has created? Please God…Please save my son!
Return to TOC
