I thought, What do I feel about this? What do I believe is true? And the answer came back right away. If she could come meet me, she would. That's what I felt. That's what I believed. She'd meet me if she could.
So I showered, and changed my clothes. Walked to the subway and took the train to Union Square. And sat under the stairs.
I THINK I'D PROBABLY BEEN THERE for about an hour when I heard a strange voice say my name.
“Sebastian?”
I jumped up and spun around.
In front of me was this strange woman. Maybe in her mid-thirties, wearing a huge muumuu sort of dress in wild colors. Her hair all piled up on top of her head.
“Yes, I'm Sebastian,” I said.
She handed me a letter. I looked down at it. On the front of the sealed envelope, where the address would be if you were going to mail it, was written “Sebastian/Tony.” So there was only one person it could be from. My heart leaped up to where I thought I could taste it.
When I looked up, the strange woman was halfway up the stairs.
“Wait,” I called, and she stopped and turned around. “Who are you?”
She gave me a funny look. A quizzical sort of look. Like she was surprised I would even ask. “I'm Stella,” she said.
Then she walked on. Like that explained everything.
I woke up the next morning to find Stella sitting on my bed. Staring at me.
“I gave him your letter,” she said.
“Oh, my God. You're an angel. I could kiss you. I mean, if I could move.”
I had six cats sleeping on me. Six. Good thing I'm only allergic to flowers.
“I'm going to ask you a point-blank question. And I want an honest answer. Because, honestly, kid. I'm busting my ass to help you here. Which I do not care to do any longer if you're not at least going to help yourself. So you tell me right now. Are you going right back to Carl when this is over?”
“No,” I said. And I looked her right in the eye so she would know it was true.
“Then why did you let him take C.J.?”
“I can't separate Carl from C.J. They're too important to each other.”
“Ever?”
“I wasn't planning on it, no.”
“So every time you want to see C.J. you'll have to see Carl.”
By this time I was looking down at the sheets. So she couldn't see into my eyes. So I wouldn't give myself away. “I did what I did for a reason,” I said. “Is it fair to ask you to just trust me for now?”
“Not really, no. Do I have a choice?”
“Not really, no.”
“Well, then. What will you be wanting for breakfast?”
CARL STALKED STELLA'S BUILDING for about three more days before the building super knocked on the door and wanted to talk to Stella.
The bedroom door was open, and I could hear most of what they said.
“He's following guys into the building. Every time a man comes in the door he follows him to see which apartment he's going to. It's starting to make some of our tenants a little edgy.”
Stella said, “Call the goddamn cops and have him arrested.”
The super said, “I'm not sure if following somebody up in the elevator is illegal.”
Stella said, “It is when it's in violation of his restraining order.”
The super said, “We were hoping you could just talk to him.”
Stella said, “Sure. Sure I can talk to him. I can talk to him till I'm blue in the face but the stupid bastard won't listen. Believe me. If you want it to stop, you better call the police.”
“Well, okay, then,” he said. “If that's what you want. If you really think that's best.”
“Can I say something?” I yelled out as loud as I could. It hurt.
Natalie did her ostrich routine with the covers. I could see half of Stella's feather boa sticking out.
Silence. Then a minute later Stella and the super stuck their heads through the open bedroom door. Stella had her hair up in curlers. The super was a weirdly short guy with a bad comb-over.
Stella said, “This is his wife, my sister, who he put in the hospital, the son of a bitch.”
I wondered why she said we were married when she knew we weren't. Maybe she was trying to make me sound more respectable than I was. Maybe Stella was embarrassed that I wasn't married to the father of my kids. Ashamed, even. I didn't know. I had never asked her before, so I didn't know.
“Pleased to meet you, ma'am,” the super said with a little wave.
“What did you want, Maria? Why were you yelling for us?”
“I'd like to ask a favor of you,” I said. “I would like to ask that you wait a few hours and have him arrested later this evening.”
Silence.
Then the super said, “Why this evening?”
“Because it would help me. If he was under arrest this evening I could go out of the house without him following me. I wonder how long it would take for his mother to bail him out again. How long did it take last time, Stella?”
Stella was looking a little confused. “I don't know. A few hours, I guess.”
“Yeah, I guess I could wait a bit,” the super said. “Probably take them a long time to show up, anyway.”
Stella said, “By the way, Mr. Parseghian, I hope you understand that it's only because of this dreadful family emergency that I have my sister here with her six cats. It's only for a few more days. Then we'll be back to three cats, like always. You can overlook our breaking the three-cat rule for just a few days, right?”
“I never saw the extra six cats,” he said. “I didn't happen to see them. I'll call the police on that wife-beating son of a bitch when it gets dark tonight.”
I PUT NATALIE DOWN TO SLEEP in Stella's bed. And I got dressed real carefully. And then I watched out a two-inch opening in the window for the police to come and take Carl away.
As soon as they did, I was out the door. Slowly. Gingerly. But with plenty of enthusiasm.
I was praying Tony hadn't given up on me already.
No, wait. Not praying. I'm an atheist. At least I think I am.
Or maybe that was always more about Carl than it was about me.
Nine nights later, I was standing on her street. Just above the subway. Just above the stairs down to our special place on our special platform. Staring up at the moon. Don't ask me why. The subway station just got too boring. Too painful. I hated the looks from the people who saw me there every night. It made me feel pathetic.
So I stood outside. Looking up at the moon. It was closer to a half moon than a crescent now. Taunting me with evidence of how much time was slipping by.
I wanted to say something to the moon. Okay, I know that sounds weird. But Delilah said at times like this I should be thankful for my own life. But I wasn't. Because I felt I had no life. Hadn't since I was seven. Except that handful of glorious days when I was going to run away to a new life with Maria. But now, when even that was in question, what exactly was I supposed to be thankful for?
But then I thought, Maybe if I just said it. Maybe if I could say it whether it felt true or not. Maybe it would start to feel truer later on.
I opened my mouth, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I had no gratitude because I had nothing to feel gratitude for. Then I thought, That's not really fair. That's not really true. Grandma Annie had a place for me in Mojave. That was something. But without Maria, I didn't feel I could go to Mojave. Still …
I opened my mouth again. But before I could say anything, I heard it.
“Tony?”
I whipped around. Yes. It was. It was her. It was Maria!
“Maria!” I said, and I lunged in to give her a hug. I was going to give her the biggest bear hug ever.
“No!” she said. “Don't!”
My heart fell right into my shoes.
I just stood there, dumbstruck, my face hot, wondering why I wasn't allowed to hug her. She looked into my face. I know she must have seen the devastation there.
&n
bsp; “Oh, Tony,” she said, and moved in slowly and gently, and put her arms around me. Set her head down against my shoulder. I just stood there with my arms at my sides, not sure what I was supposed to do. “Just be gentle,” she said. “Hug me around my shoulders. Gently. Not around my ribs.”
I put my arms around her shoulders. I could smell her hair. Some kind of fresh-smelling shampoo. It took a moment for two and two to come together in my confused brain and add up to four. “Are you hurt?”
“Just that my ribs are all taped up,” she said.
I held her away from me at arm's length to look into her face. But she wouldn't meet my eyes. She looked away. “What happened to your ribs?”
“It's not as bad as it sounds,” she said. “I just fell wrong. Over the table. And I broke four ribs and one of them punctured my lung. I can't believe you waited for me.”
I took a deep breath and spoke out of what I believed. I let all the doubts and fears and swirling drop away. “I knew you'd come if you could.”
“Thank you for waiting for me,” she said.
She wasn't wearing her hat. She seemed smaller and more vulnerable without it.
“Let's go to Mojave right now,” I said. “Not in four months. Now.”
“That's what I was thinking. Now.” She looked around her as if expecting suitcases to magically appear.
“Are you still at your sister's? Can you pack tomorrow? Or even tonight. How much stuff do you have? How much would you need to—”
“Tony—” she said, interrupting me. My heart sank again. It sounded like a bad “Tony.” It sounded like a no.
“What?”
“There's something else. One more thing. That I didn't tell you yet. Because I wasn't sure how you would—”
“It doesn't matter,” I said. “I want to go away with you. I never want to take a chance on losing you again. I don't care what it is. Will you go with me?”
I looked more closely into her face in the mostly-dark and saw that she was crying.
“Yes. I will. I just don't want you to change your mind if—”
“Never. I'll never change my mind. Can you go pack right now? How much stuff do you have?”
“I have a big duffel bag. I guess whatever doesn't fit in there I could just leave. I can only take what Stella brought over to her apartment, anyway. I wouldn't dare go back home for the rest of my stuff.”
“Tomorrow. While he's at work.”
“No. He might not go to work. And he might be out by tomorrow.”
“Out? Out of what?”
“Tonight. In about two hours. Is that okay?”
“How will you carry that big duffel bag? You're hurt.”
“I'll manage.”
“I'll go with you and help.”
“No. No, you can't. It's too risky. If he gets out, he'll kill you. I have to go alone. I'll carry the duffel bag. I'll do it because I have to. I'll be there.”
• • •
I CAME BARGING back into Delilah's like a freight train. After running all the way home from the subway. She was still up. It was nearly midnight but she was still up. I felt so blessed.
“She came,” I said. “She came. I asked her to leave with me right away. She said yes.”
“Ho, ho, whoa,” Delilah said. She was sitting in her big chair, reading a mystery novel. Wearing her little red half-glasses that sat way down on her nose. “I got the part about how you're happy. So, that's good. But the rest was just all gibberish as far as I could hear.”
That's when I realized I was so out of breath she hadn't stood a chance of understanding.
I sat down on the couch. Breathed for a minute.
She closed up her book and gave me her complete attention. Watching me over the tops of her red reading glasses.
“She showed up. Maria.”
“Oh, child! That's the best news! Did she say where she's been?”
“In the hospital.”
Delilah frowned. Scowled, in fact. “He put her there?”
“I think so. I didn't exactly ask.”
“Well, that explains a lot, anyway.”
“I really banked on your good nature today,” I said. “She's meeting me in a couple of hours. With all her stuff. Can I bring her here? Just till we figure out how to get to Mojave?”
“Well, now, child, you know you can. Won't have much privacy.”
“It's okay. It's only for a day or two anyway. Oh, wait. How are we going to get to California?”
“We'll think of something,” she said. “We'll work something out.”
I was quiet for a time. Just thinking. My head spinning around, making circles of all the parts I would still need to work out. Like money. There was so much left to figure out.
I said, pretty much out of nowhere, “She said there's one more thing. That she's been putting off telling me. But I didn't give her a chance to say what it was. Now I wish I had.”
“Well, let me ask you this, then. Would there be anything she could tell you that would really matter? I mean, are you sure? Or are you still in a place to let a thing get in your way?”
“I'm sure,” I said. Without needing to think.
“Then put it out of your head. Because it won't even matter. If you're sure, you're sure.”
I CALLED GRANDMA ANNIE right away. Because it wasn't as late in California. Praying she'd be there. That she'd pick up. She did. On the third ring.
“It's me,” I said. “It's Sebastian. We can leave anytime after today. Sooner is better. The sooner we leave, the better. As far as I'm concerned. I'm not really sure how we'll get out there, though. I'm not sure how to get money from my father without starting trouble.”
“Don't,” she said. “Don't ask that man for anything. After what he did!”
“I feel like he owes it to me, though.”
“Don't even open that can of worms. I'll wire you some money. It won't be much, I'm sorry to say. I can wire you about five hundred dollars. You'll have to go down to the Western Union office to pick it up. That sure won't get you out here on a plane or a train. Not both of you. Might do for the bus. If it's enough, go all the way to Bakersfield. I'll pick you up there. If it's not enough to get to Bakersfield, let me know. I'll drive farther.”
I said nothing for a minute. I was too filled up with something to talk. A hard something to explain. It's like I was wondering why this stranger would do so much for me. But she was my blood family. My grandmother. I think it was dawning on me how weird and wrong it is that a member of your blood family should be a relative stranger. Not to mention two members of your family.
“This is so nice of you,” I said. “I'll pay you back.”
“Nonsense. I won't hear of it. Just tell me when to expect you. Soon as you know.”
“Okay. Thanks. Really. Thanks.”
“We can't wait to see you,” she said. “Your mom has to work weekdays, but the very first Friday night she'll be here to see you.”
“Grandma Annie …” I just stuck on the next thing for a long time. I had no words to put to it yet. No idea when I ever would. So why had I even opened my mouth?
“Yes?”
“Never mind. We'll talk a lot more when I get out there.”
WHEN I GOT OFF THE PHONE, I got online on Delilah's computer and looked up the bus fare. The money she was sending was enough for both of us to get from New York to Bakersfield with more than a hundred dollars left over for food along the way. Now, if Maria just showed up like she promised she would, everything would work out perfectly.
When I got back to Stella's, the apartment was all dark. I could hear Victor snoring from the bedroom.
I decided that before I went in there for Natalie I would have to write some notes.
I wrote most of the one to Stella in just a couple of minutes. That was easy. At least, the first part was.
At first I just said I was taking a chance on Tony. That we were going away to a place in California called the Mojave Desert. And that I thought it
was nicer than it sounded by the name.
That I had to leave right now, with no notice, in the middle of the night, because otherwise Carl might get out on bail before I had my chance.
I also mentioned that there was a chance I'd be back by morning because maybe Tony would change his mind when he met Natalie.
I thought that was a diplomatic way to say it. Rather than, He might change his mind when he finds out there is such a thing as Natalie.
You learn after a while. How not to bring too much crap down onto your own head.
But that wasn't the hard part. The hard part was the part about C.J.
I tried a few things on in my head, but none of them worked out right. And I wasn't even packed yet. And I didn't want to keep Tony waiting any longer than what I promised.
I decided to ditch the Stella note for a while and work on the one for C.J. Now, there's another good little joke in my own head. Like that one would be easier. If I thought the second half of the Stella note was hard … The C.J. one was impossible.
I stared at the paper for what I thought was a couple of minutes, but when I looked at the clock I saw I only had about forty minutes left to pack and get Natalie and get down to the station with a duffel bag I probably couldn't even carry.
So I ditched the C.J. note altogether.
And I finished the Stella one like this:
When I get where I'm going I'll give you my address, and I'll also probably send you a letter and ask you to mail it to C.J. Because I can't mail it from California. I can't give Carl any clues. I wanted to leave a note for C.J., right now tonight. But I need a little more time to figure out what I need to say.
Please don't judge me. I am up against a wall here and doing the best I can.
Thank you for helping me,
Love,
Your Sister, Maria
P.S.: Maybe I won't give you my new address for the first six months or so, because then if Carl asks you can honestly say you don't know.
And another P.S.: I will try to send back the duffel bag, which I realize is actually yours, or at least send the money for you to buy another. I'm not sure exactly when I will be able to do this but I promise I'll try.
Chasing Windmills Page 15
