by Milton Stern
“I’m great, Dr. Mikowsky,” Michael said, truly feeling better than he had in weeks.
“You’ve lost a lot of weight.”
“Yeah, you know I didn’t eat that entire time I was involved in that weird situation with Steve, and I have decided to work to keep it off.”
“Is there anything in particular you want to talk about today?”
“I don’t know. Everything seems to be going well. I don’t think about Steve so much anymore,” Michael said with confidence.
“Have you been dating?” the doctor asked.
Michael then realized he had not told Dr. Mikowsky about Sam Jacobs. “Well, now that you ask, I have met someone. His name is Sam, and he’s an actor.”
“Where did you meet?”
“He was working as a valet at Sylvia’s birthday party, and I showed him how to drive my car, and we had dinner. He was my date for the premiere of Birthright, and he visited me right after my surgery. Since I returned home, we’ve seen each other once.”
“Wait a minute. You said he was an actor, then you said he was a valet,” the doctor asked obviously confused.
“Well, he was a struggling actor when I met him. He left his headshot in my car that night, so I gave it to Sid, my agent, and asked that he talk to Sam,” Michael began.
“That was nice of you, Michael, and you did say he was a valet at Sylvia’s party? Was he the cute one with the dark features?”
“You noticed him, too? I’m surprised you remember him,” Michael responded.
Dr. Mikowsky smiled. “I don’t think anyone with a pulse could forget him … It’s also nice to see you’re back to your old self, talking rapidly and jumping around from subject to subject. I just need to readjust.”
“Yeah, I feel like my old self, but better,” Michael began. “Well, I just wanted to look out for Sam. No one really ever looked out for me when I arrived in town, but I like helping people.”
“Michael, why do you look out for people? Do you want them to like you?” Dr. Mikowsky asked again.
Michael thought about this. Did I do things for people so they will like me or because it is the right thing to do? He really didn’t have an answer. Michael went to visit Steve in the hospital, and what Michael didn’t tell anyone was that he had the hospital ombudsman and chaplain look in on Steve to be sure he was being cared for properly, and this was a secret he vowed to keep. Michael enjoyed helping people, and maybe deep down, he hoped they appreciated it.
“I don’t know,” Michael answered. “But, I did find out something interesting when I visited Newport News last January.”
“You visited Newport News last January?”
“I didn’t tell you that?” Michel asked, surprised.
“Michael, as long as I have been your therapist, I know there are a great many things you don’t tell me.”
He didn’t want to say it out loud, but he was more like his mother than he wanted to admit. “I guess it was right before I met my real father, and it completely slipped my mind. I was in Richmond for a premiere of Birthright, and I decided to visit Aunt Arlene’s and Aunt Flossie’s graves, and then I visited my mother’s grave for the first time, then I went to visit Rona and Doreen ….” Michael began.
“You visited your mother’s grave for the first time?” Dr. Mikowsky said, interrupting. “How did that go?”
“Sad. It was strange standing there looking at her marker, which said ‘loving mother and wife.’ I stood on Karl Stein’s marker while I put a stone on hers,” Michael said. “But I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to know why.”
“Why what?” the doctor asked.
“Why she was the way she was. What did her mother do to her that made her that way? I wasn’t angry. I think I’m over the anger. It is a waste of energy to be that angry … and I took a piss on Karl’s grave,” Michael said.
“Michael, that’s good. You can’t change the past, only learn from it. So, you said you then visited Doreen and Rona … wait … you took a piss on Karl’s grave?”
“Yeah, and that felt great … Rona is living with Doreen while they remodel her new home. They haven’t changed a bit, but it was weird sitting there with the two remaining girls. Who would have thought some twenty years ago that they would survive all the others, including their husbands,” Michael said.
“Did you feel better after visiting them?”
“I did,” Michael said. “They told me something I never knew. The four girls, Rona, Doreen, Arlene and Florence, made a pact when I was born to look after me because they knew what my mother was like. They also told me my mother wanted an abortion.”
“And you are not angry that your mother wanted an abortion?”
“No,” Michael said. “I wasn’t even surprised. But I was touched to know that all those years I thought nobody really understood what I was going through, these four women did and tried their best to look out for me. Maybe that is why I look out for other people. Subconsciously, I must have realized they were looking out for me,” Michael continued. “They would always have me over for dinner or take me on vacations with them. Doreen even taught me how to drive, and she and Sammy gave me my first car. They even paid the insurance.”
“You never told me that.”
“I haven’t told you a lot of things,” Michael said. The doctor smiled. “So, what I really want to talk about is why I am still in love with Steve, and how I can fall in love with Sam,” Michael said, totally changing the subject.
“You are still in love with Steve?” Dr. Mikowsky asked. “I thought you didn’t think about him very much.”
“I don’t think about him as much as I used to, but every day something will trigger a memory, and then I start thinking about him. I don’t want to be in love with him. I met a great guy that I love, but I am not in love with him. Sam is caring, considerate, nice, thoughtful and handsome. He’s the perfect man, and he’s Jewish, too,” Michael said. “I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m afraid that it wouldn’t be fair to him if I’m still in love with someone else,” Michael said as he stood up and walked over to the window.
“Why do you think you’re still in love with Steve?” Dr. Mikowsky asked, finally picking up his legal pad and taking notes. “What is it about him that you love? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with Steve?”
“No!” Michael said emphatically as he turned around and leaned on the window sill.
“You answered that question very quickly. Do you even like Steve?”
“No. As a matter of fact, I feel like Fanny Brice, who said, ‘I loved a man I never liked, and I liked a man I never loved,’” Michael said as he returned to the couch.
“But you just said you love Sam.”
“I do love Sam. I would do anything for Sam. I’m just not sure I’m in love with Sam,” Michael said as he crossed his legs.
“When you are around Sam, are you happy or are you miserable?” Dr. Mikowsky asked as he stopped writing and looked right at Michael.
“Now that is the best question you ever asked me,” Michael said, and the doctor smiled. “Most every moment with Steve was miserable,” he continued, “but every moment with Sam is happy. I cannot wait to see Sam, but I dread ever seeing Steve again. Whenever I see that I have a new e-mail, my heart skips a beat because I really don’t want to hear from Steve. If my cell phone rings, I pray it isn’t Steve. I haven’t heard from him since mid-May, but I still worry that he will contact me.”
“Why?”
“Because if Steve were to come back into my life, I don’t know how I would react, and I don’t want to become that idiot again who was involved with him,” Michael said. “For some reason, he pulls me in.”
“He only pulls you in, Michael, because you let him pull you in,” Dr. Mikowsky said. “You control yourself, and as much as you think others can control you, they don’t. You can’t allow others to have that kind of power. They only take advantage of you because you let them.”
Micha
el thought about this as he leaned forward and rested his chin on his clasped hands. He apologized to Steve, when Steve should have been the one to apologize to him just as he apologized to Bart when it should have been the other way around. Michael wanted to be liked, and the only way he knew how was to relinquish control.
“Does Sam control you?” Dr. Mikowsky asked. “Or do you control Sam?
“Neither,” Michael said as he leaned back again. “He has his life, and I have mine. We’re both confident that the other will be there. As a matter of fact, Sam told me he also experienced relationships where he was swallowed up.”
“How do you like being in a relationship with equal footing?”
“It’s weird because for the first time I’m happy in a relationship. Every time, and I mean every time, I was involved with someone, I was miserable. I was always wondering when he would call, did he like me. I was always walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect,” Michael said. “With Sam, I’m myself. We just totally enjoy each other’s company. He’s getting ready to leave to film a movie for a couple of months, and I’m not miserable because I know if I were to call him, he would answer his phone and be happy to hear from me.”
“Michael, that is what a healthy relationship is all about,” Dr. Mikowsky said. “This may be the first healthy relationship you’ve ever had.”
“So how do I keep from screwing it up?”
“You keep from screwing it up by not trying to be somebody else. You maintain control over yourself without controlling Sam. You stay on an equal footing. And most of all, you quit worrying and enjoy yourself,” Dr. Mikowsky said with a smile. “You’re worried that you will eventually end up miserable, so you’re not allowing yourself to truly feel for him what you truly feel.”
“You’re right. I’m worried because this is a happy relationship, and I don’t know how to handle a happy relationship,” he said. “But the good thing is I think this is a first for him, too.”
Dr. Mikowsky sat back and smiled. “And, Michael, I think that given time, you may actually fall in love with Sam, but you need to let go of your insecurities and allow yourself to be happy.”
Michael left Dr. Mikowsky’s office feeling better than when he arrived.
He and Sam saw each other just about every night for the next few weeks, until Sam had to fly to Montana for a three-month shoot. His career was really taking off, and Michael could not have been happier for him.
He managed to get to Montana for one weekend while Sam was there, and Sam was so excited to see him, showing Michael all over the small town where they were filming. When Michael prepared to leave, Sam grabbed him and hugged him tightly. “Michael, I like you so much,” Sam said as he started to cry. “I wish you could stay here and be with me all the time.”
Michael didn’t know how to react. He also knew that he liked Sam more than any man he ever knew. “Sam, you are so special to me, you know that,” Michael said. “I do like you, and I want to make this work, but I need you to be patient with me as this is so new to me, being with someone who cares for me as much as I care for him.”
Sam kissed Michael deeply, and when they parted lips, he said, “I know. I’m the same way, always falling for guys who are wrong for me, but when I met you, I knew you were different, and I knew I wanted you in my life.”
“Now, I have a plane to catch, and I’m going to miss you like you will not believe,” Michael said.
Sam returned from Montana in November, and they continued dating until he left for Toronto in December. Michael did not envy his going to Canada in the middle of winter, and Sam was supposed to be there for three months, possibly four. Michael visited him a couple of times, but as he hated winter weather, he was whiny the entire time, and Sam actually found that endearing and kidded Michael constantly about it, which made Michael whine even more and had them laughing all the time. They talked about where their relationship was headed, and they grew closer with each visit, and just hearing Sam’s voice made Michael so happy. Although he hated the cold, Michael hated leaving Sam even more.
Michael was driving down Pico one morning in late December after returning from Toronto, and he spotted Anna’s Italian Restaurant where he worked upon arriving in California in 1985, and where he and Sam had their first meal together. He then spotted something he hadn’t noticed before. There was a Cadillac dealership on the next block. Michael kept driving then he suddenly made a U-turn at the next light, doubled back and pulled into the lot of Charles Smith Cadillac. A short, young, blond salesman with a tight build came out as Michael exited his car, and the salesman extended his hand to shake Michael’s.
“Good afternoon, Sir,” he said. “This is a beauty … ‘66?”
“No, it’s a ‘65 Corvair 500 with a three speed manual,” Michael said as he closed the driver’s side door.
“Hi, I’m Paul Tripp, are you looking to trade it in?” the salesman asked.
Michael looked at his gold metallic Corvair. His mother’s was red, but the exact same model with the same engine and transmission. Michael once thought about trading it in, but he had other plans for it now.
“No, I’m going to keep her,” he said as he patted the roof. “I want to look at a Cadillac Deville or Fleetwood.”
“Oh Cadillac doesn’t make those anymore, however, we have the DTS, which I think you would like,” Paul said as he led Michael into the showroom.
These were not the big land yachts Michael remembered, and he was a little disappointed that they no longer made the Deville, but he saw a white Cadillac DTS with a cashmere colored interior, as the sticker said, although it looked like tan to Michael, that peaked his interest, so he walked over to it, taking in the car’s exterior design. The salesman opened the driver’s side door for Michael to sit behind the wheel.
“What do you think?” Paul asked as Michael made himself comfortable.
“I like it,” Michael said as he stroked the steering wheel and scanned the dash. “How much?”
“Well, this one has the premium luxury package,” Paul said as he pointed to the leather seats and other features.
“How much?” Michael asked again as he stroked the dash.
“Well, sir, we have financing available,” Paul continued.
“Paul, are you going to tell me how much this car costs?” Michael asked while looking directly at him.
“Well with the dealer incentives, it is $44,700,” he said almost apologetically.
“Will you take a check?” Michael asked as he stepped out of the car.
“Excuse me?” Paul questioned as he closed the car door behind Michael.
“I said, Paul, ‘Will you take a check?’” he asked with a smile as he turned to face Paul.
“Uh, sure,” Paul said, clearing his throat. “Come with me to my office.”
Michael sat down in Paul’s office and wrote him a check for the Cadillac DTS. Paul looked at the name on the check, and his eyes lit up. Michael then gave Paul his card and asked that they deliver the car to his house as he would be driving his Corvair home. Paul’s hands were shaking as he filled out the paperwork since he had just started working at the dealership a few weeks prior, and this was the first time he sold a car in only fifteen minutes – and for cash.
“Mr. Bern, do you always do things so quickly?” Paul asked as he had Michael sign the bill of sale.
“Frankly, Paul,” he said, “I usually over-think everything. But, today I wanted a Cadillac, and when I saw your dealership, I decided I better do this now before I change my mind.”
Paul gave him a copy of the receipt. “Mr. Bern, if you’re ever in the market for another Cadillac, please give me a call.”
“Thank you, Paul, but the last time I made a decision this impulsively was December 1985, twenty-one years ago, so I hope you’re still selling cars in 2027,” Michael said with a wink as he went outside and sat down behind the wheel of his Corvair. He patted the dash and said, “Don’t worry, girl, you’ll always be my baby.”
Paul waved to Michael, and when he re-entered the showroom, his boss rushed over to him with an angry look on his face.
“Tripp, if you let one more customer go that quickly …” Paul’s boss began.
“He bought a car,” Paul said, as he watched Michael back out of his parking space.
“What?” his boss asked with incredulity.
“He paid cash. He saw the car he wanted, asked how much, wrote a check and asked us to deliver it to his house this afternoon,” Paul said as he watched Michael pull up to Pico, waiting for a break in traffic.
“What? You took a check from some guy who drives an old Chevy. Did you run it through the VeriCheck machine?” his boss asked, still not believing his youngest salesman.
Paul watched as Michael pulled onto Pico and drove off, then he turned to his boss and said, “The check cleared, and that’s not some old Chevy. That is a 1965 Corvair 500 … Oh, and Mr. Gasthalter, the gentleman who just paid cash for that Cadillac was none other than Michael Bern.”
“Who the hell is Michael Bern?”
“There’s a copy of Variety in Pam’s office. Check out Page Three,” Paul began as he walked toward his office, leaving his boss in the middle of the showroom, then yelled over his shoulder, “Michael Bern is only the hottest screenwriter in town, but if you want me to return his check and cancel the sale …”
“Oh, that Michael Bern,” Mr. Gasthalter said as he walked to his own office. “Good work, Tripp.”
“Thank you, sir,” Paul said as he smiled and arranged to have the hottest screenwriter in Hollywood’s car delivered that afternoon.
The Cadillac was delivered on time, and Michael took it out for a long drive, enjoying the feel of a luxury car he could call his own again. When he arrived back home, he parked the Corvair in the garage and left the Cadillac in the driveway, so Helen Epstein would have a reason to call Sid.
For once, Michael enjoyed treating himself well.
Chapter Thirteen
In January 2007, they announced the Oscar nominations, and Birthright was nominated for four Academy Awards – Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress and Best Original Screenplay. When Michael called Sam to tell him, he had just heard it on the news and dialed Michael simultaneously. It was so good to have someone who was so happy for him and aware of what he was doing in his life as Michael was about his. Things were starting to look good elsewhere in his career as HTO picked up the pilot, and filming would begin in spring 2007. As promised, they also made Michael executive producer. Michael also decided to write most of the episodes himself, with Sharon pitching in when she had time. Michael wanted as much control as possible. Peggy and Mark wanted Sam to play one of the leads, but Sam said if he and Michael worked together it would ruin everything and remind them of Lucy and Desi and Sonny and Cher, but then Michael reminded him of Steve and Eydie.
