by V. K. Sykes
“I was always rather skeptical,” she said, trying to feel her way through to an answer, “when people talked about so-called life-changing experiences. My own view was that people don’t change very much after childhood. They do in superficial aspects, of course. But not in their essence. As far as I was concerned, in all material ways we’re programmed for life by the time we walk in the door of elementary school. I certainly believed I was.”
She paused, taking in his silence and his grim features. He probably thought she was giving him a lecture, but she forced herself to carry on. “But now I have to believe that real change is possible. Look at me. In a million years I never thought I could do all the things I’ve done this week, and that includes the stupid ones,” she said defiantly as he stared at her with incredulity. “I know it’s easy to be skeptical. Am I really different now, or am I just acting that way for the moment? Are all the old patterns going to come back when I land at O’Hare? Maybe. But, honestly, I don’t think so. I’m going to take the things I learned this week and go forward from here, no matter what happens after today.”
Nick made a scoffing noise and Sadie realized she had to do better than that little snippet of self-affirmation. “Yes, Nick. The answer is yes. I believe I would indeed be able to find the courage to give up my position and my security if it was the right thing to do.”
She waited, breathless, while the wheels and cogs turned in Nick’s head. Finally, with agonizing slowness, he dropped his napkin on the table and stood.
“That’s great, but I can’t,” he replied in a cool voice. “It’s been great knowing you, Professor. I really mean that. You have a safe trip home.” He turned and strode away, leaving her to make sense of the emotional mess he’d just dumped in her lap.
* * *
Nick blasted through the doors of the casino, desperate to get away from Sadie. It felt like he’d taken a direct shot to the nuts. Metaphorically, he had.
Blacklisting her was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. True, it wasn’t anything like facing mortar fire, or navigating a desert road laced with IED’s. But deliberately hurting someone you care for—especially when it was unfair and unjust—constituted an emotional cluster fuck of epic proportions.
Hell, he did more than just care for Sadie. He’d fallen for her. He’d fallen hard, which made what he’d done that much worse, and tied his tongue so thoroughly into knots that he’d made a pretty big hash of the entire discussion. Sadie had managed a brave, even aggressive, front. But he could tell how deeply he’d wounded her. Having to play the hangman, as she’d called it, had cost him any chance of ever seeing her again.
He stopped and stared sightlessly at the rows of garish, noisy slot machines. Sadie’s accusations had floored him. Brilliant and perceptive as always, she’d nailed it. He had allowed Carson to set his trap and spring it, and then capitulated to the man’s petty and vindictive order. It was just the latest in a long line of insults and slights that had hammered away at Nick’s dignity on a daily basis. What kind of guy allowed an asshole like the chief to treat him that way?
A guy with a sick mother.
Nick could have reminded Sadie about his mom and explained his no-win situation, but it wouldn’t have made a difference. Not to him, anyway, and probably not to her, either. It might be a damn good excuse, but it was still an excuse. If he had any pride left, he would have told Carson to shove his orders, and taken his at chances at finding another job. When had he turned into the guy afraid of taking risks, or of doing the right thing simply because it was the right thing?
Heaving a sigh, he glanced at his watch. Once he’d filed a written report for Carson on Sadie’s expulsion, he’d take the rest of the day as personal leave. He had to bring his mother home from the hospital at noon, and then he’d spend the rest of the day with her.
He headed to the elevator that would take him to the ops center. Soon, Sadie would be gone. God, he would miss her, and not just because of the great sex. He would miss her sweet, eccentric charm, her incisive mind, and even the endless stream of hundred-dollar words. Maybe someday she could forgive him, but he didn’t see much chance of that happening. When it came to pride, he figured Professor Sadie Bligh didn’t take a back seat to anybody.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The slot machines rang and clicked and clattered away. It didn’t seem to matter where you went in Vegas, you’d always hear the noise of the slots. Sadie glanced over to the center of the D-Gates concourse where a dozen or so diehards squeezed in some last-minute gambling. The rows of McCarran Airport slot machines were a sorry reminder of what she’d just left behind. And a reminder of how life could change in only a few hours—a lesson she should have learned after losing the Eagleton Prize.
Maybe she wasn’t as smart as she thought she was after all.
After Nick delivered his expulsion notice, it had taken less than a minute to decide to catch the first available flight back to Chicago. Cassie had argued with her for an hour, though, wanting to storm the casino security office and rip Buzz Carson a new one. While Sadie had thought earlier that she should at least give Carson a verbal dressing down, it hadn’t taken long to lose her appetite for what would surely be a useless confrontation. And after what Carson had done to her, and to Nick, she might be way too tempted to slug the bastard in the jaw.
Cassie had then suggested staying in town and moving to another hotel. Sadie felt badly about disappointing her, but she’d totally lost her taste for Las Vegas. The thought of rattling around a different hotel for a few more days held no appeal. All she’d be able to think about would be the sheriff and how much she missed him, and how she’d been so thoroughly humiliated during her stay at the Desert Oasis. Better to cut her losses and salvage as much dignity as she could.
She twisted in the uncomfortable lounge seat to stare at Cassie, who had her nose in a J.D. Robb novel while she sipped a Starbucks dark cherry mocha. “You should have stayed, Cass. I’m going to feel guilty about this forever.”
Cassie raised her eyes from the paperback. “Well, don’t. Once I knew you’d made up your mind, I wasn’t about to let you slink back to Chicago all by yourself. We started this adventure together, and we’re going to finish it together. The way I look at it, we can come back again once you’ve put this crap behind you.”
Sadie returned her friend’s smile with a weak one of her own, knowing that would never happen. Why would she want to go back to Vegas? She could never see Nick again, and she couldn’t even gamble. Besides, how long would it take to put the pain of this trip behind her? She wasn’t sure she had that many decades left.
Still, she’d learned many lessons here, including the value of a true friend. “Thanks, Cass. You’re a real mensch.”
Cassie gave her a light punch in the shoulder. “Hell, I was about ready to go anyway. You were the one getting all the action, remember? First you bag Sheriff Studly, then TinyZ hits on you.”
“Tiny did not hit on me,” Sadie said indignantly. “Thank God, or Nick would have murdered him on the spot and spent the rest of his life in jail. Then who would have taken care of his mother?”
His mother.
Her mouth suddenly went dry. She’d been so self-absorbed she hadn’t even thought about Mrs. Saxon. What an idiot she’d been! Wrapped up in her own problems, Sadie had failed to realize that Nick was protecting his mother, and was obviously prepared to swallow all kinds of crap at work so he could take care of her properly.
She groaned, dropping her head in her hands. Nick wasn’t the kind of man who would knuckle under to a bully like Buzz Carson. And he wouldn’t tolerate an injustice, much less perpetrate one. That’s why she’d been so confused to see him do Carson’s dirty work, refusing point blank to help her fight back. He had to toe the boss’s line because he would never jeopardize his mother’s well-being.
But why, then, wouldn’t he have tried to explain that to her, instead of just walking away?
It took Sadie only a minute to
figure that one out, and the answer made her feel even worse than before. Nick Saxon didn’t really give a damn about her. It had only been a Vegas fling after all.
* * *
After settling his mom in her recliner, Nick dumped her small suitcase in her bedroom. He’d unpack it and do the laundry later, after she was in bed. For now, he just wanted to sit with her and try to forget all the bad shit, including the fact that he would likely never see Sadie again.
Although the hospital had told him his mom would be discharged at noon, he’d arrived at eleven-fifteen. By twelve-twenty, he already had her home and installed in her beloved chair, a hot cup of tea on a tray in front of her. Carmen had already straightened up the house and started making lunch.
The hospital had done a great job, and his mom’s ankle had suffered no permanent damage. She’d have to wear a brace for a few weeks, and go back to the hospital regularly for physiotherapy, but it wouldn’t be long before it was fine again. The contusions on her face were already starting to fade. Considering what she’d gone through, she looked pretty good.
He came into the room and pulled over a chair to sit next to her. Mom smiled at him, then grimaced as she tried to get comfortable in the recliner. “Honestly, Nicholas, my leg is fine. I don’t see why I have to wear that darn thing.” She’d been complaining about the brace since the nurse put it on for the first time yesterday.
“It won’t be too long, Mom. You’re going to be dancing again soon,” he joked as he took her hand.
She rolled her eyes in reply, but gave a little snicker. This was going to be one of her completely lucid days. Their frequency had been slowly but steadily decreasing, but today Sarah Saxon gave every indication of being her sharp, demanding old self.
“What are you doing here, anyway?” she asked. “Why aren’t you at work? It’s Thursday, isn’t it? Thursday’s a work day.”
“Mom, I took some personal time so I could bring you home from the hospital. And spend some time with you.”
“That’s nice, Nicholas, but I told you I’m fine. And Carmen’s here, so you can get yourself right back to work as soon as you have your lunch. Your father wouldn’t have liked you to be goofing off. You know how he felt about that sort of nonsense.”
Nick chuckled. Today was a very good day. His mother was ragging his ass, and that made him happy. Her memory would be better today, too. Often, she couldn’t remember a conversation from two minutes ago, but could recall every detail from something that happened twenty or thirty years earlier. “Mom, can I ask you something?”
She gave him a curious look. “Of course, dear.”
“This happened a long time ago, but do you remember Dad getting into a couple of fights with my boss, Buzz Carson?” He was pretty sure she’d remember that Carson was his boss now, but said his name just to make sure.
Her eyes studied him carefully. She had stunning gray-blue eyes, still unclouded by age. His father often said they reminded him of a churning winter storm, and that her personality matched her eyes.
She nodded without hesitation. “Oh, yes, I remember that very well. Your father never told me about all that silly business, though. I had to worm it out of Dorothy Webb later.”
“Right, Mr. Webb and I talked about that.” Nick hesitated briefly, but he really needed advice. And, until she’d gotten sick, his mother always gave the best advice on the planet. “We think Carson’s trying to fire me out of revenge for what Dad did to him.”
She gripped the arms of the recliner in her slender hands. “That jackass is trying to fire you? My God, he always was an idiot, but what kind of man would hold a grudge all these years?”
Nick gave her a wry smile. “Carson’s making it impossible for me to work there and still retain any dignity. I’ve been thinking seriously about quitting the Desert Oasis, but...” He let the words trail off.
She didn’t say anything right away, just gazed at him. His mother had always been able to penetrate into the depths of his eyes and know precisely what he was thinking. It was impossible to keep secrets from her, and right now that was a relief.
After a bit, she gave her head an impatient shake. “Well, I know what your father would say. He’d say, if you don’t have your dignity, then you don’t have anything. And he’d also say that you should do what your heart tells you, Nicholas.”
He struggled to find the right words to explain what he’d been going through. “I’m not all that worried about finding another job, even in this economy. And I’ll work two jobs, if that’s what it takes for us to get by. But if I quit, it could mean changes to your care, and I’m really worried that I wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with you.”
She waved a hand as if dismissing what he’d said as pure nonsense. “Oh, don’t be crazy. You’ve got better things to do than spend all your time with me.”
He grimaced. “Mom, come on—”
She cut him off. “I know what you’re thinking. I know what you’re afraid of. I’m afraid, too, but there’s nothing either of us can do about it. You have to live your life and stand up for what you believe in. That’s how your father and I raised you, isn’t it?” She took his face between her cool, smooth palms. “The one thing that would make me unhappy is to know that you’re unhappy. If you do what’s right for you, then it will be right for me, too. And if you want to tell Buzz Carson to shove his damn job, you certainly have my blessing.” She beamed as she uttered the final few words.
Nick exhaled a heavy sigh, and then hugged her tightly. “Did I ever tell you how lucky I am to have had you and Dad as my parents?”
She was smiling broadly as he released her. “At least a few hundred times, but go ahead and tell me as often as you want. I won’t ever get tired of hearing it, and I know your father can hear it, too.” She tilted her face up and looked at the ceiling for a moment.
As Nick laughed, his mom gave him a wry smile and then launched into a hilarious recounting of some bouts of trouble his dad and Mike Webb had gotten into as young Marines. As he sat back and listened, feeling so grateful to have a mother like her, he couldn’t help thinking of Sadie. She’d grown up without a mother, and with a cold, controlling father. Yet she’d somehow found the courage and strength to make something of herself, to build a life of purpose and meaning. Against all odds, she’d found the courage to fight and to change.
It was time for him to do the same.
* * *
Sadie adored her upscale two-bedroom condo on North Marine Drive. The mortgage payments sometimes stretched her budget, but she hadn’t been able to resist the majestic view of Lake Michigan through the floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room. When greeted by the early morning sun slanting in off the blue waters of the lake, she would always spend the rest of the day with a little extra bounce in her stride.
This morning, though, the lake reflected her mood—gray and gloomy, with choppy waves that looked cold and vaguely threatening. She’d arrived home from Las Vegas last evening to a rainy, chilly Chicago, and her apartment had felt as unwelcoming as the weather. Listless, all she’d been able to do before falling into bed was check her phone messages. After that, she’d crawled between the sheets and fallen into a restless, dream-filled sleep.
As she poured her first coffee of the day—extra strong—she glanced at the note paper she’d used to jot down the voice mail messages. Her father had left three of them, each frostier than the last, and all demanding that she call him immediately. She hadn’t told him beforehand that she was going to Las Vegas, but instead had left a message at his office when she landed at McCarran Airport. Three other messages would probably turn out to be junk calls, and the final one had been left by the chair of the math department, Alexander Koenig. Alex’s voice carried a note of worry, and he asked her to call him as soon as she returned.
It was Saturday, but Alex always spent Saturdays in his office. Most Sundays, too, just like her and many others in the department. Working slave labor hours went with the territory if
you wanted to build your career and secure your academic reputation.
She hated to admit it, but Alex’s message had unnerved her. She thought she could see her father’s hand behind it, and that couldn’t be a good thing.
Then again, maybe she was being paranoid. But after her ignominious ejection from the Desert Oasis, who could blame her? So much about that last day had been wretched, but the image that would stick with her was Nick wishing her a safe trip home, as if he were no more to her than the front desk clerk who checked her out of the hotel. Did their time together really mean so little to him? For her, those few days with him had changed so much.
After choking down a piece of toast, Sadie took a quick shower and threw on some clothes. On a weekend day, no one at the university would care that she wore her comfiest pair of faded jeans, a thick, red fisherman’s sweater and a scuffed pair of cowboy boots. Her hair was an unruly mess, but what else was new? Alex, the quintessential math professor, probably wouldn’t even notice.
Traffic on Lakeshore was light and she made the thirteen mile drive to campus in twenty-five minutes, arriving at Alex’s office before ten. She couldn’t help cracking a smile as she realized he’d already been there for hours. The remnants of his breakfast—complete with coffee spills—added to the room’s lived-in appearance. The shelves that lined the walls were stuffed with texts and stacks of bound documents and loose papers. The only pristine surface was the smallish conference table surrounded by four institutional grade chairs.
Though barely fifty, Alex Koenig had achieved the status of a senior statesman in a department populated by brilliant and aggressive young mathematicians from all over the world. But to Sadie, he was simply a generous mentor and a truly kind friend.
