by JF Jenkins
Except for now.
Tai chewed on the end of her gel pen, trying to decide if she wanted to dump all of this into her journal or if it should wait until she was in the shower. It was hers, so in theory, she should be able to say whatever she wanted in it. There was the off chance Darien would find it and read it. She'd said some not nice things about him before, commented on her frustrations with him, and other issues the two had as a couple. None of it was anything he hadn't heard before. What she wanted to vent might upset him, a lot. The shower wasn't completely safe either. He could still hear sometimes bits and pieces of thoughts. Of her two options, the journal was probably the most secure.
Here it goes. I feel like I'm two different people. When I'm at home, I'm the same girl I felt like back home. Keeping to myself, and just doing my own thing. Darien is my companion, and I remember all of the reasons I love him. Then I leave the house to socialize and I change. Back home I was never all that popular. My mom never encouraged me to make many friends. I think a lot of her social quirks rubbed off on me, more than I anticipated. The more time I have to think about everything, the more I realize how much I missed out on because I took on a lot of those same insecurities. We both didn't like to get close to people. Even now, I have a hard time opening up, to Darien especially.
At school with the other normal human students, I do as well, but for different reasons. They can't know the truth about my current situation. Darien is a dragon and that can't get out. People don't know the dragons walk among the people as humans. There'd be panic, confusion, and who knows what else. Dragon slaying is not a common practice, thank God, but that might change. For now, they're revered, holy creatures of God. It needs to stay this way.
Maybe I'm so desperate for normal interaction, I've finally pushed a lot of my past inhibitions aside. I'm not exactly sure to be honest, but I can say that when I get to school, I have a strong desire to be a part of the group. People like me and go out of their way to talk to me. Instead of pushing them away, I cling to them. The problem with this is that I can see it upsets Darien. Somehow I've disturbed a balance inside of him.
He's always been a lot like me in the past. The students didn't give him much time until after I came around. Being a dragon, he doesn't understand all of what would be considered normal human relationship dynamics. It's led to a lot of negative perceptions about him. Most of them are starting to fade and it's nice to see him having some friends who aren't a part of his family for a change. I think he secretly likes it too. It's a whole new kind of companionship for us both. Even more important, he finally is belonging somewhere. Given a lot of his family baggage, this has got to be nice for him.
As we start to experience this new life, I feel my heart changing. Yes, I still love Darien. But I can't help but feel sad at how much I am missing out on because of him. Going out with the girls is one of them. Granted, I probably could go to the mall some time and do some shopping. I don't think that would be a big deal, but I'm not sure what the lines are. What's okay and what isn't? What if I wanted to go to a school function? Would we even have time for that sort of a thing? What about a date? Darien and I went on a handful of them over the summer, and they were nice. It's been a while since he's taken the time to give me the attention I need. A few kisses here and there, cuddling, that happens a lot. We still talk, but it's not the same. He's settled down and gotten comfortable fast. I'm not sure I'm in the same place.
He asked me if I wanted to be courted normally. I had told him no because if anyone had tried to court me like the normal human way, I probably would have pushed him away. I would have found something wrong with him. It's good that he was shoved into my life like he was. That doesn't mean he gets to stop doing the work though.
We're young. Why do we need to settle down? Yes we're having a family, we're going to be parents shortly. Does that mean we have to sit and do nothing? Turn into...old people? I miss flirting with him, doing crazy things, doing something period. I'm not exactly sure how to bring this up to him. I was hoping that by writing this out, I'd be able to figure something out. Not quite so simple. Darien is very set in his ways. It's the only thing he's ever known and seen. Since he didn't grow up with a mother, he never got to learn about what women want. The wives of his brothers treat him like a little brother. I can tell they aren't close. He doesn't know better, and I can't get mad at him for that. He's ignorant and he lives in this delusional bubble sometimes still.
I think I was able to pop it for the most part over the summer. His views on our relationship aren't quite as dream-filled and naive. On top of that, there's him being the Lord over all of the Oceina people. This creates a whole new kind of stress on our relationship. It's all he thinks about more often than not. Understandable, but it does leave me feeling a little lonely. To the point where I notice when someone decides to treat me like I'm supposed to be treated.
There's another guy at school. He's nice, attractive, and we have a few things in common. Not many, but enough. We don't have the same kind of intellectual bond that Darien and I have. I can't say he's better looking than my husband either, because it'd be like comparing apples and oranges. Darien has a gentleness about his looks. His hair is soft and dark, and his blue eyes full of life and love. This other guy is tall and blond, muscular, and his blue eyes pierce. What he has that Darien lacks however, is the game. Which might be the only reason I find myself gravitating towards him to begin with, the game. It's one I don't mind playing, but it bugs Darien a lot. He seems to think I'm going to leave him, or that I actually like this guy.
I can't say if I do or don't, but I can say I enjoy the attention and the connection we have. Maybe Darien is right and I shouldn't humor him so much. I've been playing dumb for the most part, not outright squashing his hopes, but not completely indulging them either. The last thing I want to do is lead him on, but I also don't want to hurt him and have him stop. I'd miss the attention. Selfish of me I know.
Perhaps now that I know what it's like to be pursued, to play the game, is the reason I want it. If only because it's nice to be desired. How do I tell Darien though? How long will it take for him to notice that I have needs too? The last thing I want to do is add another task to his long list of "to dos". Logic would say that keeping our relationship strong and healthy would help make our lives easier. Right?
I don't know. God give me the words, the way, because I am completely stumped. And I still hate being pregnant. I don't want to moan and groan about that again today, though. Four more months. I think? I'll have to look at my calendar. Either way, it's a lot longer than I'd prefer.
Satisfied, Tai closed her journal and put it back into the top drawer of her nightstand. She'd never hidden it in a difficult spot. The most over looked places were always the most obvious ones anyway, right? Besides, she wasn't so sure she wanted to keep it hidden from him any longer. Maybe that's how she could get him to find out. Darien could read it and see for himself on his own time. The problem was how would she encourage him to snoop? She liked that he respected her privacy. She didn't want to do anything to betray his trust in her and lose it. While he went off to do whatever it was he did when he was hit with his late bouts of insomnia, she lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling thinking.
There had to be another way for her to get him to notice her again.
Chapter Sixteen
The Inero
At least an hour passed before Gwen awoke. She knew it had been a long sleep because her body was groggy, lethargic, and like lead. She felt rested however, and this was nice since sleep didn't come easy while she and Jason were in their awkward period. Having a resolution to her insecurities helped a lot. The smell of the turkey filled the air and candles lit up the room. There were at least thirty of them in the den alone, more in the kitchen, along the hallways, and the dining room.
Slowly, she lifted herself from the couch and saw Jason standing near the refrigerator. He quietly tossed something into the garbage.
"Good na
p?" he asked and she could see him smile in the orange glow of the flames.
She nodded, standing so she could join him. "What are you doing?"
"Finishing dinner. The power went out shortly after you fell asleep. I was able to save the turkey with my magic, get some mashed potatoes made too. Right now I'm trying to figure out what we can use and save, and what will need to be tossed."
"You saved the turkey with your magic? How did you manage this?" She couldn't help but laugh. All sorts of crazy images were coming into her mind. In particular the turkey spinning on a spoke over Jason spitting out a flame from his mouth. His magic probably didn't work like that to begin with, but she'd yet to see it in action. Too bad she missed it.
He shrugged. "It took some creative problem solving. I'll leave it at that. And I of course was able to get us some light."
"I noticed." Gwen stared at all of the candles. "A bit of an overkill though? Seems like more of a fire hazard to me."
"I'd stop it before it got that far. Can't help it though. I like to start things on fire. It's so natural, and not something that happens enough."
"Thank you. It's beautiful," she said softly.
"Go ahead and sit down. I think I figured out how to make crème brulee."
"How fancy!"
"Don't get too excited until after you taste it and it doesn't kill you. Thank goodness I know how to follow instructions well, or we'd be at a loss."
Gwen took a seat at the dining room table, watching him move about the kitchen some more. Fire poured out of his hand with a great force as he "blow torched" their dessert. Her eyes widened in awe at this. So beautiful and strong all at once, almost frightening in a way that he contained such power inside of him.
"Cool trick," she whispered.
"This? I suppose. Haven't done it in a while, so I'm a little out of practice. I should probably use my magic more, huh?" He cracked a half smile. Then the fire from his hand stopped. A few minutes later, he had the food dished onto plates and brought it over to the table. The turkey was noticeably dry, but it smelled good. It was edible. And while the stuffing she had put inside was a little burnt, and the mashed potatoes were a tiny bit soupy, she applauded his cooking skills under the forced improvisation.
Soon their stomachs were both full. A nice feeling to have instead of the nervous knots which had been there the whole week. The dishes were placed in the sink, and she was about to start cleaning them when Jason came up behind her, kissing her neck. They trailed up the curve to her jaw until he nibbled on her ears.
A small giggle escaped her lips. "I can't focus. Is that your goal?"
"Those can wait," he murmured.
"They'll get smelly."
"Our whole house will smell soon anyway."
"When will the power be back on?" She swallowed, butterflies filling her stomach. Something about their talk must have re-inspired him. This was awfully romantic of him. Maybe he was trying to make it all up to her. Who was she to complain?
He shrugged. "I don't know. You're the one from the small town. How long did this sort of thing take back home? In the city it never lasted longer than twenty minutes."
"It depends on why the power was out. Usually it came back in a few hours. Every so often it lasted for a day or two." She couldn't focus much on the conversation. Their bodies began to sway slowly as he hummed in her ear. Her heart started to flutter, her cheeks went hot, and words stumbled out of her mouth. "Are you serenading me?"
"That would mean I'd have to sing you a song," he said, taking a brief pause in his self-made music to do so.
"So then what are you doing?"
"Filling empty space, trying to find something to do while we wait, being sweet for a change, humming a tune because I feel like it. Pick your favorite one." He spun her around so she could stare into his eyes. The flames of the candles reflected in them. It was beautiful.
Gwen put her arms around his neck, enjoying the feeling of him holding her so close. He leaned down, their lips met, and he hoisted her up into his arms. All of the candles went out in the house outside of one standing next to them on the kitchen counter. As he carried her through from the room, the light moved from one wick to another until they were back in the bedroom. A candle on either side of the bed was lit.
Kissing her over and over again, his hands caressed her body firmly and with a new kind of confidence she'd never felt in him before. Definitely sexy and intriguing all at once. It wasn't long until his hands were under her shirt, running over her bare skin. The warmth sent shivers of anticipation down her spine. Was this it? Their moment? Don't think or you're going to psych yourself out, and that will make him do the same. The last thing we need is another awkward mess.
"I'm not sure yet what's going to happen," he whispered in her ear, almost as if he could read her mind. She knew he couldn't, not yet. After they made love for the first time he would be able to, another thing she was excited and afraid for. She'd heard stories from him and the other Dragon Lord wives about the phenomena. In some ways, it would make things easier. But her privacy was nice too. The fact that he knew her so well made her more solid in the decision they were right.
She kissed him before he could say any more. The gears were turning in his head. He had his all too familiar thoughtful frown on his brow. "We're past words now."
"The only point I wanted to make was that I still want you."
"Then kiss me, and let your lips do the explaining that way instead of with your yapping. Whatever happens does."
Instead of speaking again, he moved to kiss her collarbone while his hands pulled her shirt up. When he stared down at her, she became very aware of her body then, and wrapped her arms over her stomach shyly. Air blew out of his lips as though he was blowing out a candle, and then the whole room went dark.
Chapter Seventeen
The Oceina
For a while Darien was having the same reoccurring nightmare. Sleep was hard enough to come by, and adding that on top of the mix wasn't helping him at all. He wanted to blame it all on nerves. Another Dragon council was coming up in a handful of weeks to continue tying up all of the loose ends left over from the summer meeting. Once Orion died, everything fell into chaos and Darien still had a lot to catch up on.
The dream only added more stress. He didn't know what it meant, but to have it so often there had to be some kind of reason.
Groaning, he wandered into his kitchen for some more coffee. He was living on the stuff. It probably didn't do him any good anymore, but it was fast becoming one of his small comforts. Hopefully Tony would be up soon. He had a knack for dream interpretation. His eldest brother Brian was in the kitchen though, and that was unexpected.
"What are you doing here?" Darien asked as he started preparing the coffee pot.
"Leena lost our pizza cutter. I was looking for yours."
"In the middle of the night?"
"She's pregnant. Cravings are common at weird times of the day."
Darien shrugged. Tai had yet to want anything during the ungodly early hours of the morning, but she wasn't almost due to deliver. Not to mention she was too busy sleeping to do much else. Still, why did Brian pick his kitchen to borrow utensils from? Wouldn't one of his other brothers be easier?
"Why are you looking at me like I grew an extra head?" Brian asked, stopping his digging through the drawers.
Darien shrugged again. "It's inconvenient for you to be down here. Asher is closer to your floor. You hate my guts. Why would you come here?"
With a roll of his eyes, his brother scoffed. "I don't hate your guts. Why do you always have to be so over dramatic? I would phrase it as: we don't get along. But if you want to know why, it's because sometimes I come down here to get things because I want to see Dad."
"Makes sense," he said softly. Everyone in the family had been coping with their father's death in different ways. Darien personally avoided his father's old bedroom, but he'd done that while the man was still alive too. The death of his mothe
r kept him as far away as possible. She'd died giving birth to him, and Darien had a hard time accepting it happening as an act of love. Being in his parents' bedroom felt awkward to him, as if their spirits were still lingering. If Brian wanted to go and reminisce however, it wouldn't be held against him.
"And what are you doing up? And making coffee so late?"
"Insomnia is my life it seems. Bad dreams."
"If you're drinking coffee now, that probably isn't going to help. What are your dreams about?" It was surprising that Brian actually wanted to know. Darien would have thought his brother would believe it to be childish.
After a moment of hesitation, Darien decided to try and bond with his eldest brother. They were twelve years apart in age, so naturally they didn't have a lot in common. "In it, I'm at school wandering through the hallways. Tai has a baby, our son I think, and she keeps telling me to feed him. I try to explain to her that I don't have any food, and then she tries to kill him. Right as I'm about to stop her, I wake up. I've been having it a lot."
Brian leaned against the counter-top. "You're afraid of becoming an adult."
"Huh?"
"That's what your dream means."
"I didn't know you knew anything about this stuff."
"Who do you think taught Tony everything he knows?" He raised an eyebrow. "Babies and children symbolize our dreams and desires. School is your want to achieve. She's trying to tell you to continue to nurture your dreams, but you don't feel you have the ability to do so. Instead of helping, she tries to destroy it."
"Why would she do that though?"
"It's a dream. It's not like she's actually trying to hinder you. She does it because you're doing it to yourself. I'm sure being the Great Dragon Lord is a lot of pressure, but I think you're taking it a little too seriously. Just an observation. You're a lot more wound up than usual. Didn't Dad always tell us to not worry so much about things?"
