by Kay Edwards
Chapter Thirty-Three
The examination time had come. The doctor examined Helen for any injury. Her mom said he was even more gentle than normal due to Helen’s history. When he was done, Helen could not get her clothes on fast enough. Tears streamed down her cheeks.
A knock sounded on the door, and the doctor walked back in. “Would you like to have your husband here for my overall evaluation?”
Helen could not talk. She nodded yes. The doctor told Ester to stay. “I can go get him. You stay with her.”
Logan heard his name and saw the doctor. He followed him to the exam room. Helen sat on the table. He walked over to her, and she leaned into his chest. When she looked up at him, he felt his eyes start to tear. Her eyes were so full of pain.
The doctor cleared his throat. “I must say that the exam looks promising. I have not found any damage at all. However, my view of what is going on is limited. If you want an absolute picture, we would need to do a more thorough exam with transvaginal ultrasound.” He went on to explain the procedure.
Helen sat and listened. Her entire body was shaking. There was no way she was going to do anything more. The procedure he described sounded humiliating to her. She knew that she was looking at things through her past, but that did not matter. She could not do anymore. The thought was too much. “If I don’t do this, what would you say my chances of conceiving are?”
The doctor looked at her. “I would say fifty-fifty.”
Helen looked at the doctor. “I’m ok with that. I can’t take any more exams.”
Logan held his wife. Her body was trembling. His heart was breaking. When he had seen tears rolling down her cheeks, he was heartbroken at what needed to be done. He was glad it was over.
The doctor nodded. “I understand. I just needed to make sure you knew your options.”
Helen and Logan thanked the doctor.
Ester was upset too. She had a harder time than she thought she would being strong for her daughter. Helen’s tears were too much for her mother’s heart to witness. She was glad it was over.
Logan helped Helen off the table. He pulled her into his arms. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” He whispered his voice hoarse.
Helen did not say anything. She was not sure she could. Her past had made this even more embarrassing than it was for most. She knew she would need to do this again but was glad that for now, it was over.
Helen stood in the shower later that night. She was not sure that she would ever feel clean. Her skin was bright pink from all of the scrubbing. She sat down and allowed the water to cascade over her washing her tears away. She knew this fear was not reasonable. Her brain could get that. Her heart could not. She heard a knock on the door. She ignored it as she pulled her knees close to her chest. She heard her husband. “Helen? Please let me help you.” His soft whisper tore at her heart. She heard him open the door.
Logan walked over to the shower curtain. He did not open it but sat on the floor beside the tub. He prayed softly. “Father please help us through this. Help her.”
Helen whispered “Amen.” She turned off the water but remained where she was. “Logan, I know this is not reasonable. I just don’t know how not to feel this way.”
Logan pulled the curtain back a little. He reached over the side of the tub and took her hand. “It may not be reasonable, but you have to know it is understandable. I knew this would probably happen. It is ok to work through these feeling.”
Helen knew he was right. “How do we do this? How do we talk about something I don’t understand? The doctor was helping me. He was not hurting me. Why can my brain see that but my heart can’t?”
Logan thought about his answer. She had done this before. It just was different from the first time. “Do you remember how your brain knew that I would never hurt you?”
Helen nodded. “I do.”
Logan caressed her palm with his thumb. “It is like that. You eventually were able to get your heart to see what your brain knew. You are not looking at this the way some do. Your vision is different. You need to process it differently. Helen, that is ok. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is something to be proud of. You are at least dealing with it. I know it may seem hard to believe, but there will be a time you will look at an appointment like this with the usual dread most women feel.”
Helen looked at Logan. “I wish it were easier. It hurts so badly.”
Logan’s heart hurt too. Seeing her eyes puffy from the crying was distressing. “I’m sorry that you are going through this. I want you to know you are not alone. I am right here. I have no intention of going anywhere. Your sad blue eyes always make me want to hold and protect you.”
Helen looked at her husband. He was so strong and so gentle. She trusted him with everything. She watched him stand and grab a towel. He opened it up for her. She stood and allowed him to wrap her up in it. He pulled her close and kissed her forehead. “I love you, Logan. I am so glad I’m not alone in this. Sharing the good is easy. Sharing the bad is not. You do both with grace.”
Logan held his wife tighter against him. Her words touched him. He did not hold back the tears but allowed them to trace their way down his cheeks. He gently picked Helen up into his arms and walked over to their room. Sitting down on the recliner, he held her. No words were needed. It was a moment for them to just hold onto each other in a storm that would pass. When it would pass, neither knew, but they knew they had God and each other through it.
