Ross came forward a step, stumbling against a pile of books and magazines and nearly falling. `Do you know what happened to me?' he asked angrily. At San Sobel?'
The Indian nodded. `I know.'
`Then why is it so hard for you to understand that I want to quit? I don't want to have what happened at San Sobel ever happen again! I can't stand for it to happen again! So I quit, now, forever, and that's the end of it, and I don't care what the rules are!'
He knew he had crossed some line, but he didn't care. Even his fear could not control him. He hated who and what he had been. He had met Stefanie, and there was something special happening there. For the first time in years, he was feeling alive again.
The Indian walked right up to him and Ross flinched in spite of himself, certain he was about to be struck. But the big man stopped before reaching him, and the flinty eyes bore deep into his own,
'Did you think, when you accepted your charge, you would make no mistakes in carrying it out? Did you think no innocents would die as a result of your actions' Did you think the world would change because you had agreed to serve, and the strength of your concoctions alone would be enough to save the lives you sought to protect? Is that what you thought, John Ross? Were you so full of pride and arrogance? Were you such a fool?`
Ross flushed, but held his tongue.
'Let me tell you something about yourself' The Indian's wards were as sharp as knives. `You are one man serving a cause in which many have given their lives. You are one man in a long lime of men and women, one only, and not so special that you could ever afford to hope you might make a significant difference. But you have done the best you could, and no more was ever asked. The war between the Word and the Void is a long and difficult one, and it has been waged since the beginning of time. It is in the nature of all life that it must be waged - That you were chosen to take up the Word's cause is an honour. It should be enough that you have been given a chance to serve.'
'But you disgrace yourself and our cause by denigrating its purpose and abdicating your office. You shame yourself by choosing to renounce your calling. Who do you think you are? The burden of those children's deaths is not yours to bear. Yours is not the hand that took their lives; yours was not the will that decreed those lives must be sacrificed. Such choices and acts belong to a power higher than your own'
Ross felt the tendons in his neck go taut with his rage. `Well, it feels as if they are my responsibility, and I'm the one who has to live with the consequences of their dying because of my efforts or lack thereof, and blaming it on the Word or fate or whatever is a whole lot of bullshit! Don't try to tell me it isn't something I should think about! Don't try to tell me that! I do think about it. I think about it every day of my life. I see the faces of those children, dying in front of me. I see their eyes ....'
He wheeled away, tears blurring his vision. He felt defeated. `I can't do it anymore, and that's all there is to it. You can't make me do it, O'olish Arnaneh. No one can'
He went silent, waiting for whatever was going to happen next, half believing this was the end for him and not caring if it was.
But the Indian did not move. He was so still he might have been carved from stone.
`The consequences of accepting responsibility for the lives of others are not always pleasant. But neither are the consequences of abdicating that same responsibility. What is certain is that you cannot pretend to be someone other than who you are. You made a choice, John Ross. Failure and pain are a part of the price of your choice, but you cannot change that by telling yourself the choice was not binding. It was. It is'
The big man's voice dropped to a whisper. 'By behaving as you do, you present a danger to yourself. Your self-deception places you at great risk. Whatever you believe, you are a Knight of the Word. You cannot be otherwise. The creatures of the Void know this. They will come for you. They will steal your soul away. They will make you their own'
Ross shook his head slowly. `No, they wont. I won't let them'
`You wont be able to stop it.'
Ross met his gaze. `If they make the attempt, I will resist. I will resist to the point of dying, if that's what it takes. I may no longer be in service to the Word, but I will never serve the Void. I will never do that.'
O'olish Amaneh looked out the window into the snow covered landscape, into the somnolent white. `The Void wants your magic at its service, and it will do what it takes to obtain it. Subverting you will take time and effort and will require great deception, but it will happen. You may not even realise it until it is too late. Think, John Ross. Do not lie to yourself.'
Ross held out the black staff `If you take this from me now, the Void can do nothing. The solution is simple'
The Indian made no move. He kept his gaze directed away, his bode still. 'Others have suffered a loss of faith. Others have tried to abandon their charges. Others like you. They have been warned. Some thought they were strong. They have all been lost. One way or the other, they have been lost'
He looked at Ross, solemn-faced and sad-eyed. `You will go down the same path if you do not heed me.'
They faced each other in silence, eyes locked. Then O'olish Amaneh turned without a word and went out the door and was gone, and John Ross did not see him again.
But he thought about him now, riding the trolley to Pioneer Square, stepping off onto the platform at Main, and walking back to the offices of Fresh Start. He thought about everything Two Bears had told him. The Indian and blest had given him essentially the same warning, a veiled suggestion that the danger he posed by refusing to continue as a Knight of the Void would not be ignored and that measures would be taken to bring him back in line.
But did those measures include eliminating him? Would the Lady really send someone to kill him? He thought maybe she would. After all, five years ago he had been sent to kill Nest Freemark in the event she failed to withstand the assault of her demon father. Why should it be any different now, with him? They could not chance losing him to the Void. They could not let him become a weapon for their enemy.
Last in thought, he slowed as he approached the entry to the shelter. Why did everyone think such a thing could happen? What could the Void possibly do to subvert him that he wouldn't recognise and resist? There was his dream, of course, and the danger that it might somehow come to pass and he would kill Simon Lawrence. But the events of that dream would never happen. There was no reason far them to happen. And in any case, he didn't really believe his dram and the Lady's warning were connected.
He shook his head stubbornly. Only one thing bothered him about all this. Why had the Lady sent Nest to warn him? She could just as easily have sent Ariel. He would have given the tatterdemalian's warning the same consideration he was giving Nest's, Why send the girl - The Lady couldn't possibly believe that Nest would have a greater influence on him than O'olish Amaneh. No, something else was going on, something he didn't understand. His instincts told him so. He walked into the reception area at Fresh Start, said hello to Della, gave Ray Hapgood a perfunctory wave on his way back to the office, and closed the door behind him. He sat in his chair with his elbows on his desk and his chin in his hands, and tried to think it through.
What was he missing? What was it about Nest's coming to find him that was so troubling?
He was getting exactly nowhere when Stefanie Winslow walked in.
`You're back,' she said. `How did it go?'
He blinked. `Haw did what go?'
She gave him an incredulous look. 'Your lunch with your old flame's daughter. I assume that's where you've been.' She took the chair across from him. 'So tell me about it'
He shrugged, uncomfortable with the subject. `There's nothing to tell. She was in town and decided to look me up. I don't know how she even knew I was here. I haven't seen or spoken with her in five years. And that stuff about her mother is-'
'I know, I know. It was a long time ago, and her mother is dead. She told us before you came back.' Stef brushed back her dark
hair and crossed her long legs. 'It must have been quite a shock to see her again.'
`Well, it was a surprise, any-way. But the had a nice talk:
He had never told Stef anything, about his past or the people in it, save for stories about his boyhood when he was growing up in Ohio. He had never told her about his service as a Knight of the Word, about the Lady or Owain Glyndwr or O'olish Amaneh. She did not know about his dreams. She did not know of the war between the Word and the Void or the part he had played in it. She did mot know of his magic. As far as he knew, she had no concept of the feeders. Having Nest Freemark appear unexpectedly, come out of a past he had so carefully concealed from her, was unnerving, He did not want to tell her about any of that. He traced his present life to the moment he had met her, and everything that went before to another life entirely.
Stef studied his face. `Simon says she's some kind of world class runner. That she might even win a gold medal in the next Olympics. That's pretty impressive'
He nodded noncommittally. `I gather she's pretty good'
`Is she in town for very long? Did you think to ask her to have dinner with us?'
He took a deep breath, wishing she would stop talking about it. `I mentioned dinner, but she said she might have other plans. She said she would call later. I don't think she's here for very long. Maybe only a day or so.
Stef looked at him. `You seem uneasy about this, John. Is everything all right? This girl hasn't announced that she's your love child or something, has she?"
The words shocked Ross so that he started visibly. Five years earlier Nest had indeed thought he was her father, had wished it were so. He had wished it were so, too.
He laughed quickly to mask his, discomfort. `No, she didn't came here to tell me that. Or anything; Like that.' He pushed back in his chair, feeling trapped. `I guess I'm just a little nervous about the speech. I haven't heard back from Simon on it. Maybe it wasn't so goad'
Stef smirked. `The speech was fine. He told me so himself'. Her smile brightened the whole room. 'As a matter of fact, he loved it. He'll tell you himself where he sees you again, if the two of you are ever in the office at the sometime. He's gone again just now. There's a lot of preparation left for tomorrow night.'
He nodded. `I suppose so." He fidgeted with his peas and paper, gathering his thoughts. 'You know, I don't feel so well. I think I'm going to go back to the apartment and lie down for a while. You think they can get along without me for an hour or so''
She reached across and took his hand in her own. `I think they can get along just fine. It's me I'm not sure about'
'Then came back with me'
`I thought you were sick..'
`I'll get better'
She smirked. 'I'll bet. Well, You're out of luck. I have work to do. I'll see you later.' She frowned. "Or maybe not. 1 just remembered, I'm supposed to go with Simon to the KIR0 interview, then maybe to some press things after that. He hasn't given me the final word yet. Sorry, sweetie, but duty calls. Ring me if you hear from Nest, okay? I'll try to break free to join you'
She smiled and went out the door, blowing him a kiss. He stared after her without moving, then pushed the pens and paper away and got to his feet. Might as well follow through on his plan and get out of there, he decided. He was already back to thinking about something else Nest had said - that a demon in Pioneer Square was killing homeless people in the underground city. No one would miss them; no one would know. Except the feeders, of course. And he didn't see the feeders much anymore, so he couldn't tell if their current behaviour reflected the demon's presence or not.
He stared down at his desk, unseeing. Sometimes he was tempted to try out his magic, just for a minute, just to see if hr still had the use of it. If he did that, he might see the feeders clearly and maybe be able to determine if there was a demon in their midst.
But he refused to do than He had sworn an oath that he wouldn't, because using magic was integral to acting as a Knight of the Word, and he had given all that up.
He walked out of his office, down the hall, past Della and a duster of new arrivals huddled about her desk, and through the front door. The midday sunshine was fading, masked by heavy clouds blown in from the west on a sharp wind. The air had turned cold and brittle, and the light was autumn grey and pale. He glanced skyward. A storm was moving in. There would be rain by tonight.
His thoughts drifted.
A demon in Pioneer Square.
Someone sent to kill him.
Someone sent to subvert him.
The Word and the Void at play.
He crossed the street and moved past Waterfall Park toward the doorway to his apartment building. The waterfall tumbled down aver the massive rocks and filled the walled enclosure with white noise. The park was empty, the afternoon shadows falling long and dark over the tables and chairs, benches and planters, and fountains. He didn't like how the emptiness made him feel. He didn't care for the thoughts it provoked. It seemed to reflect something inside.
In the shadows pooled among the boulders of the waterfall, something moved. The movement was quick and furtive, but unmistakable. Feeders. He paused to look more closely, to spy them out, but he could not do so. Those days were gone. He was someone different now. Something rough-edged brushed up against his memory-a reluctance, a wistfulness, a regret. The past had a way of creeping into the present, and his attempts at separating the two were still difficult. Even now. Even here.
Why had Nest Freemark been sent to him?
For just a moment he experienced an almost overpowering urge to flee. Just pack his bags, pick up Stefanie, and catch the first bus out of town. He stood facing into the park, and the movement in the shadows seemed to be reaching for him. He felt trapped in his life and by his decisions, and he could feel his control over things slipping away.
Then the moment passed. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, and he was all right again. He studied the shadows and saw nothing. The park was still and empty. He felt foolish and slightly embarrassed. He supposed he was not yet entirely free of the emotional fallout of San Sobel. He guessed that's what it was.
That was what he told himself as he turned away from the park and went down the sidewalk. That was how he dismissed the matter.
But deep inside, where hunches and instinct kept separate counsel, he wasn't really sure.
CHAPTER 15
After Two Bears disappeared. Nest Freemark sat back down on the bench they had shared and stared out at the bay. Her thoughts kept returning to five years ago when she had first met him. She kept trying to reconcile what she remembered from then with what she knew from now. She kept trying to make the parts fit.
I fought in Vietnam. I walked and slept with death; I knew her as I would a lover. I was young before, but afterward I was very old. I died in the Nam so many times, I lost count. But I killed a lot of men, too.
He had told her that right after he had told her his name. He had told her he was a killer. But nothing else he had told her had made him seem so. There had been no hint of violence about him. He had gone out of his way to dispel her concerns.
I am a stranger, a big man, a combat veteran who speaks of terrifying things.
You should be afraid. But we are friends, Nest. Our friendship was sealed with our handshake. I will not hurt you.
But he might hurt John Ross. He might have to, because that was what he had been sent to do. She pondered the idea, thinking that in some strange way they had all changed places from five years ago. John Ross was on trial instead of her, and Two Bears might become his executioner. Ross now stood in her shoes, and Two Bears stood in his.
But where did she stand?
She was aware after a while that there were eyes watching her, and she glanced around cautiously. The shabby, sad-eyed Native Americans whom Two Bears had dismissed from their bench were staring at her from a short distance away. They huddled together on the grass, sitting cross-legged, their coats pulled over their shoulders, their heads hunched close
, their dark eyes haunted. She wondered what they were thinking. Maybe they were wondering about her. Maybe about Two Bears. Maybe they just wanted their bench back.
I'm afraid, she had said five years ago to Two Bears. And he had replied. Fear is a fire to temper courage and resolve. Use it so.
She was afraid again, and she wondered if she could use her fear now as he had taught her to use it then.
Speak my name once more, he had asked her, and she had done so. O'olish Amaneh. Yes, he had said. Say it often when I am gone, so that I will not be forgotten.
Speak my name, he asked her again, just moments ago. As if by saying it, she could keep him alive.
The last of his kind, the last of the Sinnissippi, appearing and disappearing like a ghost. But his connection to her, while she didn't pretend to understand it completely, was as settled as concrete. They were linked in a way that transcended time and distance, and she felt her kinship to him so strongly it seemed as if they had been joined always. She wondered at its meaning. She knew now he was a servant of the Word, just like John Ross. So he shared with her a knowledge of the war with the Void, and they were possessed of magic, and they knew of demons and feeders, and they walked a line between two worlds that others didn't even know existed.
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