by Skye Turner
He leans down and I stay completely still. I don’t want to move. I don’t know what he’s doing, but I don’t want him to stop.
He stares into my eyes before his eyes move down to my lips.
Chapter Ten
Jaye
When Tobias said those things to Rose, I saw black. How dare he speak to her that way? He’s disgusting. How dare a man of his age say those things to someone her age?
Only, you’re having trouble yourself remembering that she’s so young, aren’t you, Jaye?
Shit! I am. She’s so young, but something about her just makes me want to protect her.
Yeah, I think about her sometimes, not in the same way that Tobias does. I don’t want to do the things to her that he does.
I would never touch her that way.
I’m dark and she’s light. I have sex with married women. Regularly. And they pay me for it.
She’s so sweet and pure. I could never be with her, even if things were different and she was older.
Even if we were normal teenagers living a normal life.
There is nothing normal about this. Nothing normal about living in hell.
I hear my own argument in my head and even as I’m trying to convince myself, I know that I’m lying.
I do think about her in ways I shouldn’t. I’m no different than he is in that respect. Sure, my thoughts aren’t so carnal, but the idea of having any kind of relationship with Rose is just ludicrous.
There are so many reasons that it just can’t happen. That it’s wrong and I shouldn’t even foster hope…
Yet, as I stare down into her face in the hen house and my hand is on her chin, I can’t remember a single one of them.
My head lowers slowly and I see her breath catch, only she doesn’t jerk away in fear. She doesn’t move at all. In fact, she’s leaning into my touch.
I know damn well I should stop this madness and that this cannot happen, but as my head lowers the remainder of the way and my lips gently brush hers, I also know there’s no way in hell I’m not kissing her.
She gasps as my lips brush whisper soft against hers. I move slowly, so that she can stop me at any time by pulling back if she wants to.
She leans in closer and her hands clutch at my arms. Her nails dig in as she delicately brushes her lips against mine.
Leaning back slightly, I just look at her.
Her eyes are luminous in her face and her skin appears to be glowing. She smiles at me timidly and I smile back before slowly leaning in again.
My hands leave her chin and settle on her hips as her hands snake around my back. Our lips continue to lightly brush against each other before she sighs again. I can’t help myself and as her mouth parts with a sigh, I slip my tongue past the barrier of her lips.
She gasps and I stop, pulling back just slightly. I whisper against her mouth, “Ok? Too much?”
She shakes her head and as she does, her lips once again brush against mine. I feel her lips curve up and her breath caresses my face as she says softly, “No. I’m good.”
Pressing my mouth firmly against her, I once again trace the seam of her lips with my tongue. She parts them with a sigh and I slip my tongue inside the warm cavern of her mouth.
At first it’s as if she doesn’t know what to do. Am I her first kiss? This cannot be her first kiss, can it? But, then she gets bold and her tongue lightly and timidly rubs against mine.
Well, if I’m her first kiss, I need to make damn sure it’s a memorable one.
Cradling her head, my hands bury themselves in the thick tresses of her flame red hair. I angle my head to deepen the kiss, though I keep the pressure of my lips light and my tongue strokes gentle. Within minutes, she’s kissing me back like she’s done this a thousand times.
She’s a fast learner.
We kiss for a long time with my hands in her hair and her hands resting on my bare back. I’m perfectly content to keep this slow and steady and her warm hands on my sticky skin feel amazing.
Someone drops something outside and the clang is loud and very close. I pull back and breathe heavily as I look down at her.
Her eyes slowly open and she looks at me with wonder. Her cheeks flush and she glances away as she chews her lip. Her lips are swollen from my kiss.
My chest swells at the same time that my conscience calls me an asshole for taking her first kiss from her.
Stepping back from her, I grab the basket from where it fell onto a bale of hay and hand it back to her. She’s refusing to look at me and is instead looking anywhere but at me.
I call her name softly so as not to scare her. “Rose?”
She’s really working her lip and I’m scared she’s going to bust it if she keeps that up. “Rose? You’re going to hurt your lip if you don’t stop chewing on it.” I sigh as she still refuses to look at me. I feel like an asshole. “Look, I’m sorry. I––– I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m older than you and you’re so inexperienced…” Her stricken eyes turn toward me and I feel like a total dick. “Shit! I’m so sorry.”
Her words gut me. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t think of me like that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not good at it.”
Wait, what? She’s not good at what? Kissing?
Um, if that’s what she thinks, she’s WAY wrong.
I don’t think of her like that? Like what?
Shit… what did I just do here?!
“Rose. It was my fault. I kissed you. I shouldn’t have. I know that. You’re… I’m older than you. That shouldn’t have happened, but not because of you. You have nothing to be sorry for. I do. This was my fault and I’m sorry I took advantage of the situation.”
I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what to say or do to undo what I just did.
Her eyes fill with tears and she grabs the bucket and turns to head out of the door. Her tearful voice is like a knife to my gut. “I’m sorry. I should know better than to think you wanted to kiss me. I’m sorry, Jaye… I –––– I have to go.”
I blink as I realize what she just said.
Wait, she thinks I didn’t want to kiss her? So, she wanted me to kiss her? How could she know that?
I’m pretty sure she’s never kissed anyone in her life before just now.
Reaching out, I catch her arm before she can leave. “Wait. Rose, wait. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but here are the facts. I wanted to kiss you. I kissed you even though I know damn well I shouldn’t be doing it.” Her eyes meet mine and a frown forms between her brows. “Look, I’m almost eighteen. In Texas… that’s an adult, Rose. You’re about to be fifteen. It’s only three years, but right now, it’s a big deal. You’re sweet and pure and innocent.” I punch the wall of the hen house and it makes several of the chickens jump up and squawk at us. “You’re all things good and I’m not good.
“I’m too old for you, Rose. The feelings I have for you… I shouldn’t have them.
“Do you understand that?”
Her eyes are liquid green as they seem to search my soul. She shakes her head at me and cups the basket handle with both hands as she holds it in front of her. “I know that you’re almost an adult, Jaye. I know this. I’m just a kid, but the thing is… after everything I’ve been through, I don’t feel like I’m just a kid. I care about you. Like, I really care and not just because you’re a hot guy who I kissed a few minutes ago.”
She doesn’t get it. I have to make her understand.
Raking my hands through my hair, I implore her with my eyes. “You’re not understanding, Rose. I need to make you understand why I’m not good for you. Age aside.” Curling my hands into fists, I repress the urge to pull her back into my body. “Look, there are things you don’t know. Things you shouldn’t know and that I try to protect you from… ugly things.
“I’m not a good guy, Rose. I know that you think I am and I always put my best face forward with you, but I’m not a good guy.
She tries to speak, but I hurriedly go on so she can’t di
ssuade me. “No, I’m not. Trust me.” I point at the eggs in her hands. “Do you know what I do when I make deliveries? What I’m going to do when I leave here in a bit to go deliver those?”
Her head shakes “no” emphatically from side to side.
I grimace. “I deliver eggs and other supplies to town… to the wives of many of the men in town… and… I sleep with them.”
She gasps.
“I screw the men’s wives after delivering them the supplies and then most of them give me money.”
Her mouth opens and closes and she’s shaking her head as if she can’t comprehend what she’s hearing. Finally, she squeaks out, “You’re a prostitute?”
I shake my head. “No, I’m not a prostitute. I don’t charge them to fuck them, Rose.” She cringes at my crude language and watches me warily as she clutches the basket tighter. “I deliver things to them and fuck them. Then, I collect the money for the supplies and they usually toss me something extra. They give me money and things as a thank you for taking care of their needs.
“I don’t charge them for sex, Rose, but I do take money from them and until now, even though I hated it, I did it. I did it because I’m saving a nest egg for the day I can escape this hellhole.”
She’s staring at me and her face is full of uncertainty, disbelief, and… pain. She sputters, “Jaye, these women… they sleep with you and give you money. They take advantage of you!”
They take advantage of me?
No they don’t. I use them and take advantage of them. Not the other way around…
Right?!
I open my mouth to deny what she’s saying but she rallies on. “No, they take advantage of you. They are adults, Jaye! You’re only seventeen! How long have you been sleeping with them? How old were you when they instigated it?” I can’t believe what she’s implying. “They are adults and you are a teenager! What you’re doing is not right. It’s not right at all… But, they are in the wrong.
“That’s not normal, Jaye!”
I laugh harshly and throw my hands out, encompassing everything around us. “Look around, Rose! Nothing about any of this is normal!
“We live on a shithole farm with two disgusting adults. No one cares about us! No one checks on us! I don’t know what these assholes get from the state, but I know that we see nothing from it!” I throw my hands down to bring attention to my worn and ripped jeans. “These are the only clothes I have. I own two pair of jeans and both look like this! I have a handful of stained t-shirts and one shirt that could be considered good condition.” I fling my hand at her. “Look at you! You’re wearing a faded dress that’s been mended far too many times! It doesn’t even fit you, Rose!” I laugh harshly. “Yeah sweetheart, nothing about this is normal!”
She just stares at me. Finally she murmurs, “You’re right. Nothing is normal about this, Jaye. But my feelings… those are real and to me, they are normal.”
Is she crazy? She’s young and crazy.
She cannot care about me. I can’t let her.
I can’t let her think about me like I’m some prince. I’m not.
I’m the fucking spawn of the devil and the things I do are not ok. Everything in me is dark and angry…
Everything except my feelings for her.
Chapter Eleven
Rose
Jaye just told me that he sleeps with married women. And they give him money. Everything I’ve ever been taught tells me that’s wrong.
It IS wrong and it makes me want to puke, but I care about him. I care about him and he kissed me. He just gave me a precious memory of my first kiss and I’ll always remember it.
I just had my very first kiss with a boy that I love. Nothing can take that away from me. Not the ugly truths he’s now telling me and not the reason that I’m here in this place with him right now.
Jaye is the light in the darkness of this place.
He’s staring at me after what I just told him.
I told him that I care about him and that I have real feelings that are not things a kid would feel and he’s just staring at me. He said he has feelings for me, too.
I care about him. He cares about me. Yes, he’s older, but with the past three years of my life, I’m not a typical fifteen year old. Well, I’ll be fifteen next week.
He’s done some bad things. Some things that make my stomach turn. But, I’m really not surprised that he’s not a virgin. Besides, if we’re together, he could stop sleeping with those women.
He could… He would…
Right?!
Is he going to say anything?
My stomach is in knots and my hands are so sweaty that I’m about to drop the basket full of eggs, but I can’t put them down. If he says he doesn’t care like I care, it’s going to hurt.
It’s going to hurt a lot. Maybe almost as badly as the other things I’ve lost in my life up to now.
I don’t want to lose him.
I hope I don’t run him off with my big mouth.
Crap, say something, Jaye!
Finally, he opens his mouth and I think he’s going to speak, but he doesn’t. He shakes his head and looks away from me.
My chest cracks.
He doesn’t care about me like I care about him.
My shoulders slump and my eyes burn as I try desperately to hold in the tears that so badly want to break free. I turn on my heel and walk to the door.
I stop at the entrance and wait for him to say something. He never does, so as a sob bubbles in my throat, I walk into the yard. As I set the basket on the worn table in the kitchen, I swipe my hem across my face to dry the tears falling from my eyes.
I’ve lost everything I’ve ever cared about… my parents, my grandma, my only friend, and now… now, I’ve lost Jaye. The only boy I’ve ever cared about and the boy who owns my heart.
Sniffling as I try to force the tears to dry up before anyone sees them, I walk back out of the house and into the barn to start cleaning out the stalls. It’s not a job that anyone likes to do, so it’s always the last thing to get done during the day. Everyone waits to see if someone else is going to tackle it.
Today, I’m fine with it. I can be alone and no one will even come in there.
* * *
I lose track of time as I muck out the stalls. I only have two left and I’m struggling to carry fresh hay when a chill races across my spine and I know that I’m no longer alone in the barn.
Ignoring the feeling and hoping he just goes away, I keep working, but make an effort to stay in a position that I cannot be cornered into one of the small stalls. He watches me for a long time and my nerves are shot. I’m no longer relieved to be alone in the barn and I frantically think of a way to get back to the house.
The door is past him though. He’s positioned himself between me and it. My breathing starts to escalate and I take deep breaths to try to calm my racing pulse.
Everything in me is screaming to get the hell out of the barn, but I don’t want him to know how frightened I am. I’m not certain he even knows I know he’s in here.
Finally, I come up with a plan. Turning quickly, I feign a shriek as I see him. I want him to think his presence startled me. It’s not that farfetched though, because he’s moved and he’s now much closer to me than I anticipated. Throwing my hands over my heart, I regard him. “You startled me, Mr. Meager.”
He smiles and his stained and rotten teeth make my blood run cold. His reptilian-like eyes are solid black and focused on me. I’m still holding the pitch-fork and my hands clutch it tightly as I try to remain outwardly calm.
He licks his lips and smirks. His sunken cheeks and greasy mustache lift as he leers. His gaze travels over my body and I can’t hold in the shiver that races across my spine.
My reaction seems to entice him. His smile widens and he strokes his pointy chin with his filthy fingers. “Hello, Rose. It’s not often you’re so accessible.” His eyes settle on my heaving bodice beneath the worn dress and I watch his pupils dilate.
/> I can’t breathe. I know that my body is not the body of a child. I have large breasts and ample hips. I have a perky butt and my legs, though short, are very shapely. People have always made comments about my body and right now, I’m panicking at what this disgusting man is thinking about me.
Coming into the barn, cutting myself off from the rest of the farm, and making myself a target just because my feelings were hurt was stupid.
Stupid! You’re so stupid, Rose!
Dammit! I have to be smart. I have to keep my head about me and right now, the most important thing is to get away from Mr. Meager and back toward the house.
Since the day I arrived here, I haven’t liked the way he looks at me. The way he talks to me and to the other girls… it’s not right.
He’s never touched me, but I’ve always been really careful to stay away from him and not put myself in a position of being vulnerable.
The time in the hall and now are the only times he’s really searched me out like this. Raquel was there in the hall and I don’t know why, but she helped me. I think he’s done something to her. I don’t like him and he gives me the heebie jeebies, but she actually hates him. It’s written all over her face.
The phrase “if looks could kill” is so true with her. She scares me, but I also wish I was like her. She’s tough. I wish I was.
As I’ve been thinking through ways to get away from him and scouring the area for any way to escape, he’s been coming closer.
Shit! I allowed myself to get distracted and now he’s doing what I didn’t want him to be able to. He’s boxing me into a corner.
I need to get him talking. Maybe I can distract him.
Smiling at him, I try not to let him see how scared I am right now. “So, Mr. Meager. Did you come in here for a reason? Were the other girls looking for me? I know I was supposed to meet up with them and I think time got away from me while I was cleaning in here. I’ll just go find them now.”
He laughs and it’s cold. “No one is looking for you, girl. No one but me.”
Fear overtakes me, but I mask it as I answer him. “Well, you found me. Jaye may be looking for me though.”
